@ How much to share

[Deleted]

DS2 has aspergers. After the diagnosis he stopped taking Cello lessons (they weren't going well and the teacher thought taking the semester off would give him some time to mature).

DS1 is very bright and manipulative and lacking empathy.

He doesn't know DS2 has aspergers but when he asks why he has to do something his brother has to do, or why DS2 does something he doesn't do that is related to the aspergers I'm just not sure how to respond.

DS1 is 7 and DS2 is 6.

[karinothing]

I am sorry you are dealing with this diagnosis. My nephew has aspergers and I think my sister has been pretty open with the kids from the beginning. It was important for them to understand why their brother behaved the way he did.

I am sure there will always be a little bit of "but he doesn't have to do it!" because that is just what happens with sibilings. I do think 7 is old enough to understand that there is a reason that DS2 is different though. Perhaps check out support groups or books on the subject?

[Deleted]

Can't it just be because sometimes brothers do different things, because they are different people with different interests and needs?

I know it's a cop-out, but my mother has never hesitated to use it on us, even today (we are all fanatical about being equal and we probably need to mature and get over it, ha.)

[Melissa W.]

I'm curios, why doesn't the DS1 know his brother has asperger's?

[ringstrue]

I would think there are at least listservs or something online you could join to get info like this. But in general, I don't think 7 is too young to not address their differences. I'm sort of surprised it hasn't been mentioned yet espeically if he is getting extra therapy and whatnot.

[wawa]

Sept 19, 2012 10:12:47 GMT -5 ringstrue said:

I would think there are at least listservs or something online you could join to get info like this. But in general, I don't think 7 is too young to not address their differences. I'm sort of surprised it hasn't been mentioned yet espeically if he is getting extra therapy and whatnot.

yeah, I kinda can't imagine never telling one sibling about the other's medical diagnosis if they're old enough to understand the words. (so...not a 3 year old. But 7?) It seems like not talking about something like that would just make it seem like a bad thing you're keeping secret (doesn't DS2 have extra dr/therapy appts?) and not just a fact of life.

But i'm not a parent, so take that for what little it's worth.

[Deleted]

I don't want him to treat his brother differently so we haven't mentioned it.

[Deleted]

and maybe it isn't a lack of empathy but DS1 sure likes to push buttons and stir the pot (not sure where he gets that)

[karinothing]

Sept 19, 2012 11:10:54 GMT -5 @septimus said:

I don't want him to treat his brother differently so we haven't mentioned it.

I understand this. But I think you can teach kids that while someone may be different from them there is no reason to treat them differently. They are brothers, he might treat him differently in the short term but I assume they will go back to driving each other insane after a little while.

But if DS1 knows what is going on, it could help him stand up for DS2 in public situations if there is ever a need.

[IIOY]

Sept 19, 2012 11:10:54 GMT -5 @septimus said:

I don't want him to treat his brother differently so we haven't mentioned it.

Don't you think he deserves to know why his brother might be treated differently by others, such as when you insist he do something for his brother or instead of his brother? That sounds far more judgmental than I intend, because I do appreciate that every situation is different, but I confess to struggling just a bit to understand this.

We explained to our DD very early on what was going on with her brother so that even if she felt resentful of his limitations and the consequent burden on her, at least she could understand *why* things were the way they were. To the extent that your son is treated or behaves differently, I would think his brother deserves to understand why, potential lack of empathy notwithstanding.

[copzgirl1171]

I think it's terribly unfair to both of the boys to keep it from your oldest.

I think explaining everything can have the opposite effect. There will be adjustments of that I am sure, but the solace and comfort siblings can provide each other will make all the adjusting worth it.

I am sorry you are struggling with this *hugs*

[pamela]

Does DS2 know his own diagnosis yet?

[shouldbworkin]

I struggle with this a bit with my DS (7 w/ADHD) and DD (5 w/o). All I've really told her so far is that every child is different and has different rules/needs. I don't want to use ADHD as an excuse and I don't want her to think I do. They are just different people and my focus is on giving each of them what they need to grow. I didn't mention DS's ADHD to him or his sister for awhile. One day he just asked me why he takes medication (I don't think he realizes he sees a therapist for ADHD). I don't want him to think there's anything wrong with him and we just discuss how the medication, etc. helps him. I'm just very low key about it all. If I make it a big deal, they'll think it's a big deal. And, while it is a big deal to me, they don't need to know that. It's really just a part of our lives that we have to deal with.

[Deleted]

Sept 19, 2012 11:30:55 GMT -5 pamela said:

Does DS2 know his own diagnosis yet?

No. I don't want it to limit his thinking of himself. He knows he has speech issues.

[downtoearth]

Sept 19, 2012 11:56:48 GMT -5 @septimus said:

Sept 19, 2012 11:30:55 GMT -5 pamela said:

Does DS2 know his own diagnosis yet?

No. I don't want it to limit his thinking of himself. He knows he has speech issues.

Yes, labeling can be bad for a kid (or sibiling) who has a diagnosis like aspergers, but it can also explain a lot. I think you're only looking at the negatives to labels. Labels can help someone understand a different perspective and are not always limiting. Heck, there are some smart-ass amazing people with aspergers that your youngest could learn about as a weapon to any teasing or as a motivator.

Plus, the teachers know your youngest has that label, right? Even the auxilliery Cello teacher seems to know, so why is it important to you that random people know, but not the kid themselves? Not judging, just wondering.

As for the original question - 7 year old boys are sometimes jerks to their siblings - especially when they are close in age. Heck, they are sometimes jerks to their friends who they choose to be around. It's hard trying to balance teaching empathy and being independant. I think all boys need to be reminded about emotions other than anger or saying "not fair" and that your 7 year old sounds pretty normal.

I'd have to go home to find the name of the book that I read about nurturing empathy in boys and how to teach emotions, but I think the Raising Cain book had some info in it also. It's tough b/c boys aren't chemically or socially predisposed to use emotion words and react the same as their moms or even similar to girls.

[Deleted]

I don't understand how your son is going to learn empathy if you aren't teaching him how to treat people, particularly people who are a wee bit different, learn differently, view the world differently.

I'm actually quite confused all around because I also don't understand why you haven't told your own child that he has aspergers. Do you think he'll never notice that he's different? That things are different for him? You don't think it would be helpful to know that there is a reason?

[ringstrue]

YOU are treating your sons differently, and rightly so. That isn't a bad thing. You are being fair and fair =/= equal. It's probably time he learned of their differences. Maybe he'd break out some empathy after all. It'd probably help him cope with your family situation right now which he probably just views as unfair.

I think you are heading down a road where the oldest son gets a lot of jealousy issues if you don't tell him and explain things.

[brookles]

Okay, I feel really stupid even saying this, but have you ever watched the show Parenthood? One of the kids in it has Aspergers and they do a decent job at showing how the parents handle it, whether it's telling him about his own diagnosis or interacting with his siblings.

Again, I'm sorry for bringing up a dumb TV show. I'm sure that no matter how you handle it, some people will think you're doing it wrong, so it's gotta be tough either way. Good luck. :-)

[iammalcolmx]

::takes a seat::

[pamela]

Sept 19, 2012 11:56:48 GMT -5 @septimus said:

Sept 19, 2012 11:30:55 GMT -5 pamela said:

Does DS2 know his own diagnosis yet?

No. I don't want it to limit his thinking of himself. He knows he has speech issues.

I wouldn't give either a word/name for it yet then. Maybe talk about different abilities and different difficulties, but not give it a reason or a name yet. I feel like DS1 at this age may use it to make fun of DS2, instead of it helping him understand why DS2 has some of the issues he does.

[Melissa W.]

I thought of Parenthood too, brookles.