I Kissed Dating Goodbye - author issues apology

[debatethis]

joshharris.com/statement/

A portion: 


To those who read my book and were misdirected or unhelpfully influenced by it, I am sincerely sorry. I never intended to hurt you. I know this apology doesn’t change anything for you and it’s coming too late, but I want you to hear that I regret any way that my ideas restricted you, hurt you, or gave you a less-than-biblical view of yourself, your sexuality, your relationships, and God.


In light of the flaws I now see in I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I think it’s best to discontinue its publication, as well other supplemental resources tied to it (this includes the two books I wrote after it whose content is similar). My publisher, whose encouragement in this process has been deeply meaningful to me, supports this decision and will not reprint the books after the current copies in their inventory are sold.

I hope he really, truly grasps the amount of damage he's caused and speaks out against other similarly ignorant people publishing books on topics they know nothing about.

[pugz]

debatethis I could talk about this all day long, lol. Purity Culture is one of my top 5 soap boxes.

He has previously apologized for the negative impact of his books but this is the first time he's come out and said the book was full of unBiblical stuff and gone on the record that his stance has changed. I am so glad the books will not be published any more. I read both IKDG and Boy Meets Girl and purity culture mess me up for years.

I just finished reading this book and it is SO GOOD. I highly recommend it for anyone that grew up in purity culture. It is a mix of research, memoir, and gripping and heartbreaking interviews. I couldn't put it down.

www.amazon.com/Pure-Inside-Evangelical-Movement-Generation/dp/1501124811/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1540504411&sr=8-1&keywords=pure+by+linda+kay+klein

[pugz]

the optimistic side of me says he's seen some of the light. He did quit his pastor job and went back to seminary, he should never have been made a pastor without a seminary background but many non denom evangelical churches don't care and I'm sure they loved that he was an evangelical darling.

I will be interested to watch his documentary when it finally comes out.

where are the other former evangelicals on the board? I think hopecounts and wambam, right?

[W.T.Faulkner]

I wonder what readings my high school will use for its Sex and Marriage theology class now.

[debatethis]

pugz I know so, so many people whose lives were completely damaged by this book. Harris quit pastoring completely - he moved to Canada and got a masters degree and is now doing brand management or marketing or something. The cynical part of me says that he realizes how deeply damaging his books were to his current brand so he's trying to get ahead of it. But the other side hopes that he will continue to speak out against his place in purity culture and the damage it's caused, writ large.

[wambam]

He made a wishy washy statement about a year ago. This is certainly stronger than that. I’m honestly surprised he changed his mind. Evangelicals changing their mind and admitting they’re wrong is so rare.

But this fucker is a douche bag who put gasoline on the fire of purity culture and ruined a lot of people’s sex lives and marriages.

[ElizabethBennet]

I’m also a former evangelical who grew up in the heyday of this. Douche has got a new book coming out and I just see this latest act as a promotion of that book.

I also side eye anyone that bought into a book that was written by a 23 year old with zero real life experience.

[pugz]

Oct 25, 2018 17:35:41 GMT -5 ElizabethBennet said:

I’m also a former evangelical who grew up in the heyday of this. Douche has got a new book coming out and I just see this latest act as a promotion of that book.

I also side eye anyone that bought into a book that was written by a 23 year old with zero real life experience.

It was incredibly irresponsible for youth groups and leaders to push the book. Never should have been the phenomenon it was

[cattledogkisses]

Oof. I've never heard of this guy, but I was someone who grew up with the purity culture, and it was so, so harmful to me.

It's definitely one of the things that contributed to me eventually leaving the church, and religion altogether.

[ElizabethBennet]

Oct 25, 2018 17:37:21 GMT -5 pugz said:

Oct 25, 2018 17:35:41 GMT -5 ElizabethBennet said:

I’m also a former evangelical who grew up in the heyday of this. Douche has got a new book coming out and I just see this latest act as a promotion of that book.

I also side eye anyone that bought into a book that was written by a 23 year old with zero real life experience.

It was incredibly irresponsible for youth groups and leaders to push the book. Never should have been the phenomenon it was

Nope. Never. But he’s a white guy so obviously he knows everything.

[carmenere]

Oct 25, 2018 17:03:07 GMT -5 debatethis said:

pugz I know so, so many people whose lives were completely damaged by this book. Harris quit pastoring completely - he moved to Canada and got a masters degree and is now doing brand management or marketing or something. The cynical part of me says that he realizes how deeply damaging his books were to his current brand so he's trying to get ahead of it. But the other side hopes that he will continue to speak out against his place in purity culture and the damage it's caused, writ large.

Purity culture is still going strong and he could have continued to be successful in that world if he wanted to, so IMO walking away from it shows that he’s somewhat sincere. Whether he’ll do the work to make good on it is another story. But ultimately, there’s no undoing the damage that he’s done.

[picksthemusic]

I remember reading this book and being somewhat part of purity culture. It was so damaging. While I'm glad he's backed off this line of thinking and trying to do some damage control, I feel like this has so many far-reaching effects that this is too little too late.

[agnes]

Can anyone give me cliff notes on why his books/views were so damaging? I’m not very religious and only understand the gist of purity culture.

[wambam]

Oct 25, 2018 18:23:03 GMT -5 agnes said:

Can anyone give me cliff notes on why his books/views were so damaging? I’m not very religious and only understand the gist of purity culture.

He says “dating is practice for divorce” and that you should court instead, which is dating only for the purpose of determine whether you want to marry someone. With a creepy level of parental involvement. He warns against becoming emotionally attached to anyone but he person you marry. If you don’t, you will have a terrible marriage and you don’t have your “whole heart” to give to your spouse. He condemns kissing before marriage.

[picksthemusic]

Oct 25, 2018 18:43:16 GMT -5 wambam said:

Oct 25, 2018 18:23:03 GMT -5 agnes said:

Can anyone give me cliff notes on why his books/views were so damaging? I’m not very religious and only understand the gist of purity culture.

He says “dating is practice for divorce” and that you should court instead, which is dating only for the purpose of determine whether you want to marry someone. With a creepy level of parental involvement. He warns against becoming emotionally attached to anyone but he person you marry. If you don’t, you will have a terrible marriage and you don’t have your “whole heart” to give to your spouse. He condemns kissing before marriage.

Do we know if he's married now or anything?

[cville]

Oct 25, 2018 18:43:16 GMT -5 wambam said:

Oct 25, 2018 18:23:03 GMT -5 agnes said:

Can anyone give me cliff notes on why his books/views were so damaging? I’m not very religious and only understand the gist of purity culture.

He says “dating is practice for divorce” and that you should court instead, which is dating only for the purpose of determine whether you want to marry someone. With a creepy level of parental involvement. He warns against becoming emotionally attached to anyone but he person you marry. If you don’t, you will have a terrible marriage and you don’t have your “whole heart” to give to your spouse. He condemns kissing before marriage.

Ah, so like the Duggars? Cripes.

[cville]

Also, this dude left unstudied evangelical preaching for marketing with a focus on branding? Yeah. Sounds about right.

[mrs.jacinthe]

As a former fundie, I say good. To be honest, even as a conservative I found him repellent.

[VillainV]

I'm not familiar with this book., but I'm so sorry for those of you who were raised with this kind of viewpoint, and hope this statement and the removal of the book brings some kind of peace.

[Queen Mamadala]

Blech. His book was recommended to me by a former pastor's wife during my senior year of high school. I grew up around the purity cult and fundie bullshit. Fortunately, my mother was the custodial parent and pretty liberal and breezy in many regards, so I only got the purity nonsense when I lived with/visited my father and stepmom.

Sadly, I later got sucked back into IFB and championed its doctrine, including purity/chastity with great fervency, until I deconverted from the IFB/conservative evangelicalism.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Oct 25, 2018 16:55:32 GMT -5 pugz said:

the optimistic side of me says he's seen some of the light. He did quit his pastor job and went back to seminary, he should never have been made a pastor without a seminary background but many non denom evangelical churches don't care and I'm sure they loved that he was an evangelical darling.

I will be interested to watch his documentary when it finally comes out.

where are the other former evangelicals on the board? I think hopecounts and wambam, right?

as a PK whose dad DID go through seminary training prior to being ordained, nothing makes me cringe more than self-described 'pastors' with absolutely ZERO formal training/education

[stategirl08]

Good riddance to him! My parents had me read both his books when I started dating at 16. My boyfriend, now my DH, and I didn’t kiss until we were 19 and even then I felt like I had failed at being able to wait until marriage. It’s also a big reason that even though we’ve been married for 10 1/2 years I still have some pretty big sexual hangups.

It sucks. And I hope anyone affected by it can get help to move past it.

[Queen Mamadala]

Oct 25, 2018 18:52:12 GMT -5 cville said:

Oct 25, 2018 18:43:16 GMT -5 wambam said:

He says “dating is practice for divorce” and that you should court instead, which is dating only for the purpose of determine whether you want to marry someone. With a creepy level of parental involvement. He warns against becoming emotionally attached to anyone but he person you marry. If you don’t, you will have a terrible marriage and you don’t have your “whole heart” to give to your spouse. He condemns kissing before marriage.

Ah, so like the Duggars? Cripes.

Yep. The churches I attended with my dad and stepmom are part of the same sect as the Duggars. Dating is chaperoned and they forbid kissing and all that jazz. My then-pastor and his wife didn't kiss until they married, which was three years after they began dating, and his wife was 27. They bragged about this during teen activities and discussions about courting. 

You could hold hands, but couldn't get too close. A hug was fine, but not a lingering hug. Bunch of bullshit.  Good thing I had already BTDT when I lived with my mom. I had a boyfriend since the beginning of 10th grade and wasn't a virgin, but I was "counseled" on regaining "purity of heart and spirit" if I remained chaste for my future husband, whom I was supposed to meet at bible college. lol

[Deleted]

I wasn’t raised truly evangelical, but our church youth group was still very much into the purity culture like evangelical churches. A good friend of mine from HS and I have reconnected and have bonded over how fucked in this whole thing is. I can’t wait to share this information with her. I never read this book, but I knew people who did and had read some other purity focused stuff that was truly bananas.

[yentl]

I read this book as a high schooler but I don't remember all of it. The messages I was getting about purity may have been emphasized by the book, but certainly did not create them. I remember feeling relieved that I could just disengage from dating culture while in HS and have a "reason" or excuse I guess. I hated that pressure.

BUT I do remember reading his description of having sex before marriage leading to people not being able to be satisfied sexually in marriage and needing to turn to more and more perverse sex, such as SEX TOYS OMG. I didn't get the logic in that even then and took a lot of the book with a grain of salt. I can definitely see how others would feel shamed and even hopeless in a way by those parts.

[agnes]

Oct 25, 2018 18:43:16 GMT -5 wambam said:

Oct 25, 2018 18:23:03 GMT -5 agnes said:

Can anyone give me cliff notes on why his books/views were so damaging? I’m not very religious and only understand the gist of purity culture.

He says “dating is practice for divorce” and that you should court instead, which is dating only for the purpose of determine whether you want to marry someone. With a creepy level of parental involvement. He warns against becoming emotionally attached to anyone but he person you marry. If you don’t, you will have a terrible marriage and you don’t have your “whole heart” to give to your spouse. He condemns kissing before marriage.

thank you for the explanation. That all sounds very unhealthy

[boiler717]

I am shocked. I grew up with the idea that his books were the gold standard for relationships. I’d love to hear what all these churches pushing his method are saying now.

[HRH Queen Dick I, Orphan]

--My Mission
I’m a wordsmith and storyteller who helps clarify then amplify messages that matter.--

Wtf is that shit? Terrifying.

[picaflora]

I remember his books and the "True Love Waits" material being very popular at some of my friends' churches. Thankfully mine just skipped it altogether (my Southern Baptist church youth group stayed far away from getting into dating/sex).

*poof*

[lolo]

I read that book and dealt with purity culture. My first serious boyfriend used this material to 'hold me accountable' for seeming to want to kiss him at times. I felt so ashamed.

Though I was very critical of some aspects of my Christian experience from middle school, for some reason the purity stuff took longer to question.

I also remember the huge relief I had when I lost my virginity in college because I knew purity culture no longer had control of me--I was not ashamed. I didn't feel damaged. I felt like someone who had just enjoyed sex for the first time with someone she loved.

I'm glad he has recanted and hope that it will help some find freedom.