Am I expecting too much of my kids?

[Deleted]

They are 10 (5th grade) and 12 (6th grade). With my custody schedule, they are at my house in the morning before school 2-3 days per week. 1 of those days I work from home. They are woken by a parent in the morning and then expected to get themselves ready for school, including eating breakfast and packing their lunch (though they do buy once a week, so the lunch packing thing is only 1-2 days), and then walking to the bus stop 2 blocks (.25 mile). They are given a minimum of 1hr in the morning to complete these tasks. I wake up the older child at 6am when I leave for work, their bus is at 7am. H wakes the younger child at 7am, their bus is at 8:10am. H usually leaves for work between 7-7:30am. If I'm home I will often drive them, my H will occasionally drive them if he's home, but most days, they walk. Am I expecting too much of them?

PDQ redacted

[kayl84]

Walking to the bus stop is ex-H issue? It’s 2 blocks. Seriously. Someone needs to check his brain. 2 BLOCKS!!!! Let them walk

[emilyinchile]

This sounds fine. Assuming the kids are getting to school on time and in a decent state - dressed and fed, with reasonable lunches and all their school supplies in their backpacks - and are happy with the arrangement, I would just ignore your ex.

[Leeham Rimes]

Are they unable to do these things currently? Are they late for school?

Is the "only" (and i don't mean to minimize his bullshittery) issue your ex-H being emotionally and verbally abusive about this?

My kids aren't this age, so I don't have any experience. while walking the kids to school, I see 3rd graders biking over 1/2 a mile to and from school, with a group of other children. No adults.

If they're on time for school, have lunches every day, and have begged you not to have a sitter to help them, I don't see how you'd be expecting too much. Kids really like/ appreciate being able to do things for themselves.

[fivechickens]

If it working for you and the kids try not to let ExAsshole second guess yourself.

If there is a struggle in the morning, kids not getting stuff ready kind of thing, than I might make adjustments to it (like have them prepare lunch the night before).

But don’t change what is working you all because ex makes you feel bad.

BTW, you are not expecting too much from your kids.

[Deleted]

emilyinchile , Leeham Rimes , fivechickens,

They are on time to school every day. They have never missed the bus. They have zero issues completing the tasks, always are dressed appropriately, well fed, and have good/healthy lunches packed.

And Leeham Rimes , no, this isn't the "only" issue with him, it's just the one at the forefront right now. There is literally ALWAYS something with him.

[Deleted]

Your exH is still abusive. Ignore him. And think of his complaints in the context of "would any reasonable judge find this situation problematic?" and keep moving forward. He has no leg to stand on here, so don't give him that real estate in your head.

[momin2013]

This is 100% an exH issue, and 0% you/the kids issue. I'm sorry you have to deal with that crap, but you need to remain confident in your decisions about this, because they're absolutely fine ones.

FTR I had a 20 minute walk to school at that age (and younger). I was occasionally dropped off at school (i.e. if it was pouring rain), but otherwise walked every day. The kids are fine walking to the bus stop, full stop.

[calmcosmo]

I think it’s fine! My kids are 8 and 9 (2nd and 4th grade). I help them along the way but they get dressed, make themselves breakfast, and make their lunches about 50% of the time.

My older one goes to a special outdoor elementary school so she has to walk almost a mile to our zoned elementary school and then take two busses to get there. She never complains - yesterday she walked in snow and it was 13 degrees (we’re in Colorado). She just dresses warm and wears snow boots. Honestly, I think it’s good for her. She even has a little first aid kit in her backpack “just in case”. She gets home the same way (two bus rides, walk).

I’m of the mindset that the goal of parenting is to create self sufficient, confident, competent humans. Not drive them 1/4 mile because you are worried they’ll be cold. Teach them to dress and teach them skills to be safe and let them go. Your kids are plenty old enough.

[Leeham Rimes]

Dec 5, 2018 8:02:55 GMT -5 @sameoldstory said:

emilyinchile , Leeham Rimes , fivechickens ,

They are on time to school every day. They have never missed the bus. They have zero issues completing the tasks, always are dressed appropriately, well fed, and have good/healthy lunches packed.

And Leeham Rimes , no, this isn't the "only" issue with him, it's just the one at the forefront right now. There is literally ALWAYS something with him.

I just meant in regard to this situation. Like was your exH being horrible to you and your kids were also late or having a hard time doing it on their own.  Again, I wasn't trying to make light of how terrible he is being to you.

[tripleshot]

I don’t see any problem with this set-up, especially given that there have been no issues. Ignore your XH. He’s still being abusive to you.

[isabel]

What? No. Your expectations are perfectly reasonable.

Also, if they are doing what they need to do without a bunch of hassle, I don’t see the problem. Keep on with what you’re doing.

This is a continuation of the abuse cycle. He doesn’t have control over you. You and your H make the decisions at your house. Full stop. You’re doing great and teaching them to be independent!

I’m listening to a book by Julie Lythcott-Haims called “How to Raise an Adult.” I think you might appreciate it.

[wildrice]

Sounds reasonable to me, especially since it's currently working without a problem. If the kids were getting into trouble or being late or whatever then he'd have reason to complain, but you are literally proving him wrong. Try not to let him get to you. I think in your situation I'd tell him this issue was not up for discussion anymore and shut it down anytime he tries to bring it up. You divorced him, you don't need to take his abuse anymore (I mean you shouldn't have to take it while married, either, of course).

Not to be all "when I was a kid...." but I was babysitting other children at 11, as were many of my peers. I think a lot of people don't give kids in that age range enough credit anymore. They are capable of being responsible.

[cleo29]

Sounds age appropriate to me. if they want to have a little more time in the mornings, they could make their lunches before going to bed, but other than that it sounds good.

[ECB]

When you wrote out their entire morning, I was expecting there to be other issues at play that may have made me say "maybe".

But if truly the only issue is their walking 2 blocks to the bus stop... um, no. You aren't expecting too much.

I'm thinking of DSs school - kids that live in walking distance of the school have to walk further than your kids! Heck, when I was in high school, I walked almost 1.5 miles to school and back (uphill both ways!! )

Your ex is being a jerk to be a jerk.

[NewGirlNic]

It sounds like you are helping to raise responsible kids!

My son is 9 (4th grade) and we have similar expectations with him. I wake him up and help him get his breakfast together. He then has to eat/clear his dishes, brush his teeth, get dressed and make his bed. If he does all that before he has to leave, he can turn the TV on.

We live about 6-7 houses from the corner bus stop. He walks home from there on his own. If he took the bus in the morning, he'd do the same (H drives him to school, since the bus comes at like 7:10 and school doesn't start till 8:15)

[Deleted]

Dec 5, 2018 8:08:49 GMT -5 Leeham Rimes said:

Dec 5, 2018 8:02:55 GMT -5 @sameoldstory said:

emilyinchile , Leeham Rimes , fivechickens ,

They are on time to school every day. They have never missed the bus. They have zero issues completing the tasks, always are dressed appropriately, well fed, and have good/healthy lunches packed.

And Leeham Rimes , no, this isn't the "only" issue with him, it's just the one at the forefront right now. There is literally ALWAYS something with him.

I just meant in regard to this situation. Like was your exH being horrible to you and your kids were also late or having a hard time doing it on their own.  Again, I wasn't trying to make light of how terrible he is being to you.

Gotcha. I misunderstood. The kids generally have zero issues completing what needs to be done. Now, this morning my 12 y/o ran out of time to make her lunch, so she'll just buy, but that is a rare occurrence. 

[Deleted]

Dec 5, 2018 8:44:52 GMT -5 @sameoldstory said:

Dec 5, 2018 8:08:49 GMT -5 Leeham Rimes said:

I just meant in regard to this situation. Like was your exH being horrible to you and your kids were also late or having a hard time doing it on their own.  Again, I wasn't trying to make light of how terrible he is being to you.

Gotcha. I misunderstood. The kids generally have zero issues completing what needs to be done. Now, this morning my 12 y/o ran out of time to make her lunch, so she'll just buy, but that is a rare occurrence. 

Please know that this is also not a damnable offense.  As a 36 year old, I sometimes run out of time to make my or DD's lunch.  No one's going to die or be harmed.  Please don't think occasional school lunch is detrimental.

[esdreturns]

I have a 12 year old (7th grade) and he does all this. I don't even wake him up in the morning. I don't think you are expecting too much at all, and I'm sorry your ex is being an ass. I know all about dealing with an abusive ex after the divorce. It's so hard not to let it get to you. Hugs. I think you're doing a great job.

[WOUNDTIGHT]

Sounds like your ex is pissed that he can't control you. Which has nothing to do with you. Your kids are fine, KOKO.

[cmeon]

The only expectations you need to adjust here are the ones that are leading you to believe that your ex is going to give you well thought out, meaningful parenting advice. Don't let him get to you, you know what you're doing.

[lovelyshoes]

This is age appropriate for them and you’re not a bad mom. In fact I think you’re a good mom for instilling independence. I can’t stand parents who hover under the guise of “protection and good parenting.” That’s how incapable adults are created.
I’m sorry your ex is such a jerk. Don’t let him make you doubt yourself.

[eddy]

I have a 5th grader. He easily can do all of those things, and he has ADHD.  I expect him to take care of all of his things including getting ready, making his own breakfast, packing lunch and getting his stuff together. I don’t prompt him at all. I drop off at school so he isn’t responsible for that part, but I could totally trust him if that was the situation.

[hopecounts]

Those are age appropriate expectations and your Ex is just trying to maintain control over you using this as his excuse.
Ignore him and keep on with what is working at your house.

[dochas]

He's just trying to control you.

Great job, if I may say. We all need to give our kids independence and it isn't easy.

[yogapants]

The fact that your kids are consistently successful in fulfilling their responsibilities tells me that they’re reasonable expectations.

You’re doing great. Your ex can go fuck himself.

[joy]

No... I rode my bike to school every day starting in 3rd grade.

My mom did have to wake me several times because sleep. But I was responsible for getting there on time.

[joy]

At 11 years old, I *was* the sitter. Your ex-husband is being ridiculous.

[livinitup]

These expectations and your children’s successful fulfillment of them makes you sound like a great mom.

Well done.

[Gato]

My 10 year old does all this on her own. For some kids (like my 6 y.o. daughter), this kind of time management would be hard, but it sounds like it’s not for yours. You’re good; your xH is being a dick.