@ dealing with strong emotions

[bears]

How do you teach your child how to deal with strong emotions? My daughter is 6 and can be the sweetest, most enthusiastic kid. However, the flip of her strong emotions is that she throws these absolute fits when things do not go her way.

This tends to come out when she had something planned out and it doesn't happen according to plan (for example, we babysat a neighbor, and DD lost it when the neighbor wanted to play with DS instead of DD). It's been really bad lately when we try to play games.

My husband is speaking with the pediatrician this week, but I'm wondering if anyone has Altoona advice. My mom said that this reminds her off my brother as a kid and he is a terrible person so I'm immensely disturbed.

PDQ.

[VillainV]

It’s hard. I just try to validate as much as possible. I also try to model naming my emotions, and as much as possible try to model (and talk about) appropriate and inappropriate ways to deal with emotions (ie: yelling or being mean to others is inappropriate), and when I mess up I apologize.

[bowies]

I experienced this as a child and I’m not a terrible person (I think). My parents didn’t know how to deal either - it’s rooted in anxiety. I recommend the book The Highly Sensitive Child.

[bears]

Dec 10, 2018 22:08:57 GMT -5 bowies said:

I experienced this as a child and I’m not a terrible person (I think). My parents didn’t know how to deal either - it’s rooted in anxiety. I recommend the book The Highly Sensitive Child.

She is certainly anxious. Thanks for the recommendation.

[mandymay]

I don't know that I'd be too concerned just yet. Her behavior sounds a lot like my daughter's. I feel like she went through this too at 6 and 7. During the fits/outbursts we let her know she needed to go to her room and get out her anger/frustration first before we could talk about it. We let her know it's okay to feel what she's feeling, but that she needs to use her words to discuss how she's feeling instead of throwing fits. We also let her know (and my son too since he sometimes throws fits at 4) that going into her room is not a time out/punishment so much as it is giving her space to vent her emotions without being around others where she'd inevitably say or do something that would get her in trouble. It's a free time to get it out because you can't really discuss anything when they're having a tantrum. It's worked for us. We're really open about talking about feelings and our kids seem to be able to identify and express their emotions well. Even if they can't identify the emotions they attempt to describe what they're feeling.

Being super excited about something and building it up in your head only to have it not go that way can be super upsetting, even to adults. Maybe try discussing how to cope with things not going the way she thinks they should. Perhaps discuss some times that you had certain plans and they didn't go as you'd wanted them to and talk about how you dealt with that. Or, when something like that happens to you or your husband point it out and talk through that situation when she's not emotionally involved.

[bowies]

Dec 10, 2018 22:09:43 GMT -5 bears said:

Dec 10, 2018 22:08:57 GMT -5 bowies said:

I experienced this as a child and I’m not a terrible person (I think). My parents didn’t know how to deal either - it’s rooted in anxiety. I recommend the book The Highly Sensitive Child.

She is certainly anxious. Thanks for the recommendation.

We’re starting to experience it ourselves with DS (4.5) but it’s still hard to distinguish if it’s situational because he’s overtired or if he inherited my sensitivity. The best way I’ve found to get him out of the emotional tunnel vision is to not react - stay calm, ask what he’s feeling and why. I need rational brain to kick in. Of course, my H is a reactor so we get mixed results. We’re all working on it.

ETA: We also have him take a break if he’s too in his feels. Not a time out, just a chance to get his shit together.

[kershnic]

One of my kids is the same way.

I am a trauma therapist for kids, and I use a lot of my work stuff for my own (thankfully non-traumatized) kid. Lots of naming emotions, talking about things like intensity of emotions (you can use a SUDS scale from 1-10) and the fact you can feel two feelings at the same time, and lots of work on buildling relaxation skills. My favorites are blowing out the candles on your fingers, deep breath in/snake hiss out, and use the finger of one hand to trace the outline if your spread out fingers on the other hand. Try teaching calm down skills outside the emotional moment, and then in the moment of a tantrum name her feeling, why you think she's feeling it, and suggest using a specific calm down skill together. For example: "It looks like you're feeling angry and disappointed because neighbor wanted to play with your brother right now. Let's blow out our candles together to try to get our bodies calm, here do it with me..."

This book has some good breathing exercises:
www.amazon.com/Breathe-Like-Bear-Mindful-Anywhere/dp/1623368839

[lilac05]

I agree with VillainV .

In addition, talking about potentially triggering things outside of when they’re happening could help. Role play different scenarios. Act out appropriate and inappropriate responses. Talk through them. Look around online to see if there are social stories or books that address similar situations.

If she will still watch Daniel Tiger, there are several great episodes about big feelings. I find myself singing the little jingles to my kids, even the one who just turned 8. It actually helps!

Big emotions can be an amazing character trait when shaped. Don’t be disturbed. Acknowledge the big emotions, give them a name, and work through them. IMO, the best thing you can do in those moments is stay extraordinarily calm. Recognize the outbursts as her having a hard time figuring out how to deal with something and calmly help her through it instead of scolding, shaming, or punishing (not saying that you do, just that I find my first tendency is to do those things...and I have to stop myself and remind myself that there are better ways of handling it).

[isabel]

Ditto validation and helping to name emotions/find words to express things.

Minor example: DS1 doesn't like it when the dog is in the dining room when he is eating because she's always sniffing around. I usually put her behind the laundry room gate, but forgot to one night. He lost his shit over it, screaming about the dog being near him. When he took a breath, I quickly told him that I was happy to take the dog to the gated area, but that I would really prefer if instead of yelling he would just say, "Mommy, I would prefer if the dog was behind the gate." Since then, he has been really good about it and says exactly that in a calm voice.

I've seen similar results with other situations we commonly find ourselves in. It's really freaking hard though and I usually don't get it right.

I recently listed to How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen. I find the book highly annoying and generally felt (and feel) skeptical of some of the ideas in the book, but the general theme is to find a way to be positive and silly, name emotions, don't discount how your kid feels (no "I know you're sad, BUT"), and work through different solutions to find one that works for everyone.

I haven't implemented a ton of it, but I am trying and I starting to recognize certain situations where *I* could have done a better job diffusing the situation and turning it to a positive experience. For instance, DS1 dropped a book on the ground at school. I asked him to pick it up and then went to grab something. When I came back, it was still on the ground and I asked again. He defiantly told me no and I kind of lost it, put the book on the shelf and led him out of school without speaking. I reacted way too strongly, but I was tired and already over it for the day. Instead of that reaction, if I had just said in a silly voice, "Colin, Colin, help me! I'm on the floor and I need you to put me back on the shelf!" I can pretty much guarantee you he would have done it. So I'm really working to slow myself down, keep myself from getting upset, and think of ways that will help him to address how he feels with words and actions that are appropriate.

That got really long. Sorry. I know it's not all entirely applicable to what you posted, but maybe it's a little helpful.

[picksthemusic]

Dec 10, 2018 22:19:21 GMT -5 mandymay said:

I don't know that I'd be too concerned just yet. Her behavior sounds a lot like my daughter's. I feel like she went through this too at 6 and 7. During the fits/outbursts we let her know she needed to go to her room and get out her anger/frustration first before we could talk about it. We let her know it's okay to feel what she's feeling, but that she needs to use her words to discuss how she's feeling instead of throwing fits. We also let her know (and my son too since he sometimes throws fits at 4) that going into her room is not a time out/punishment so much as it is giving her space to vent her emotions without being around others where she'd inevitably say or do something that would get her in trouble. It's a free time to get it out because you can't really discuss anything when they're having a tantrum. It's worked for us. We're really open about talking about feelings and our kids seem to be able to identify and express their emotions well. Even if they can't identify the emotions they attempt to describe what they're feeling.

Being super excited about something and building it up in your head only to have it not go that way can be super upsetting, even to adults. Maybe try discussing how to cope with things not going the way she thinks they should. Perhaps discuss some times that you had certain plans and they didn't go as you'd wanted them to and talk about how you dealt with that. Or, when something like that happens to you or your husband point it out and talk through that situation when she's not emotionally involved.

I echo this sentiment. DD is 7, is really sensitive/anxious, and throws epic tantrums sometimes, and we just put her in her room to get it all out. Then, when she's done, we talk about how it feels when things don't go her way, and how it might seem unfair, but we can use our words to express how we feel instead of yelling and screaming. Letting them know their feelings are valid is a good place to start, and then finding a good coping mechanism to deal with frustration is a good follow up. Daniel Tiger has some good ideas - counting, giving yourself a hug, taking slow, deep breaths, and talking about it all can help.

We also make sure she isn't hungry, because she can become a demon if she hasn't eaten enough.

[rubysoh0]

Dec 10, 2018 22:08:57 GMT -5 bowies said:

I experienced this as a child and I’m not a terrible person (I think). My parents didn’t know how to deal either - it’s rooted in anxiety. I recommend the book The Highly Sensitive Child.

100% agree with this. My daughter just turned 7 and is extremely sensitive as well as incredibly anxious. When she was 5 we sold our house and stayed with my parents for 10 weeks while our new one was being built and she completely fell apart. She was hysterical screaming about stomach pains that testing showed nothing and would lie awake for hours each night asking about crazy stuff like brain tumors and what would happen to her if everyone died, etc. things no five year old kid should worry about. We got her into therapy which helped but having her normal routine back is what really got things back on track. I know you aren’t dealing with anything to this extent but big changes impact sensitive kids in a big way that I was not prepared for AT ALL so I wanted to share my experience there. In terms of the day to day stuff, I struggle with how emotional she is because I’m the opposite. I try to validate how she’s feeling and redirect.

[heyjude]

I think some of this is being 6. Age 5-6 is hard. Is this her first year of elementary school? If so, an even more tumultuous time. What helped my kid with her epicness was having a “calm down bag” filled with things that could redirect her attention (mostly by focusing on a sense). Once calm we could talk. But the biggest help was time. Time is working in her favor; that is, the older she gets (7 now) the better she is. She can still have meltdowns and we aren’t out of the woods but there is a sense of peace now as she mellows. And while I think a lot of it is just being 6, my daughter was also having some bad anxiety around school which was affecting her daily life in school. We found her a CBT therapist and that really really really helped. So in sum: 6 is hard and a lot of it is normal and this too shall pass; in the meantime give your kid some tools that can be used to center her, and if this is affecting her daily life consider finding a child cognitive behavioral therapist. You are not alone! I tell myself these strong willed girls will rule the world!

[lolo]

My highly sensitive DD (5.5) is struggling with a lot of the same things. I think it's anxiety + highly sensitive + transition to K. I definitely don't think she's a terrible person.

My sister used to throw epic tantrums when she was in early elementary school, and as an adult, she's highly successful. She has also done treatment for anxiety.

Anger is a secondary emotion and I find it helps to know that there's something underneath the rage.

[lexus]

Did someone already recommend the book The Whole Brained Child? This was tremendously helpful to us. We also practiced helping her identify her emotions and using coping mechanisms to help her center herself. We modeled those things as well. We also have a couple of books about perfectionists to jump start conversations about things go away from the plan.

[AJL]

Dec 11, 2018 0:49:09 GMT -5 lexus said:

Did someone already recommend the book The Whole Brained Child? This was tremendously helpful to us. We also practiced helping her identify her emotions and using coping mechanisms to help her center herself. We modeled those things as well. We also have a couple of books about perfectionists to jump start conversations about things go away from the plan.

I second this recommendation! This helped us tremendously with DS.

[zarapipe]

My dd1 who is 8.5 is the same way. Hers got worse and worse and after a year of therapy we tried anti anxiety meds and it’s a world of difference. She would have epic tantrums that involved hitting and kicking us and those are gone. She is still an anxious child and doesn’t like a change in plans but now she can use the techniques she has learned to get over the change and move forward. I’m not pushing meds or anything but wanted to put that out there. It was definitely a last resort but it works for her and we are glad we went down that path.

[erbear]

I think that's pretty normal for the age. They have big emotions and they don't really know how to control them yet. Both of my girls did (and still do from time to time) experience this, and they are normal and healthy kids

I try to validate their feelings and give them words ("You sound very upset. You are disappointed that didn't go well"). Well, whenI am feeling generous I do, anyway. Sometimes, I just have no patience for it and tell them to go to their rooms until they are ready to speak like normal humans.

[puppylove64]

I think a lot of it is age. My 6 has some strong emotions too. I always try to talk to him about what is planned and give him a heads up when things will change. He likes to know what is going on and it helps him feel like he has some control over situations. When he has big emotions that I can’t help, I send him to his room until he can compose himself. The other night it broke my heart but something bothered him and he wouldn’t talk about it and he just cried himself to sleep. He was fine the next morning. We all have days like that and sometimes crying and screaming is just what it takes. We are all entitled to our feelings and have to learn our own ways of dealing with them. The few times he resorts to violence, I intercept and let him know that is not acceptable and he is sent to his room. Otherwise I try not to interfere too much more than just being available for comfort if he wants it.

[isabel]

Dec 11, 2018 0:49:09 GMT -5 lexus said:

Did someone already recommend the book The Whole Brained Child? This was tremendously helpful to us. We also practiced helping her identify her emotions and using coping mechanisms to help her center herself. We modeled those things as well. We also have a couple of books about perfectionists to jump start conversations about things go away from the plan.

Do you have a recommendation for the perfectionism stuff? DS1 really struggles with trying new things. He hates failing. He may have gotten that from me...

[Bernadine]

My dd is only two, but I swear, reading that sometimes parents do the wrong thing is really helpful to hear. I know I handled a situation badly the other day, despite trying to stay calm.

You've gotten some great advice, and really, just the fact that you're willing to work on it with her will help.

[DarcyLongfellow]

kershnic 's advice sounds perfect.

My 9 year old has anxiety (diagnosed, she's seen a therapist and is currently on zoloft -- a whole different discussion). She has exactly what you describe -- big emotions. She is incredibly dependent on a schedule and knowing what to expect. If things do not go according to plan, and if those things are disappointing or upsetting, she can absolutely freak out. She describes it as just being filled to overflowing with uncontrollable emotion.

Calming exercises are great. My DD is very resistant to breathing exercises for whatever reason, but there are other things that help. Being wrapped up in a blanket, being in an enclosed space, sometimes just sitting in my arms in a dark room. She is such an introvert that if she's at school or out without me, she usually doesn't react the same way. She bottles it up, then just melts down when she gets home. There was a year or so where it seemed like every day she would get off the school bus, then need to just sit and cry in my arms for a bit before we could go home. Fidget toys help her some. She doesn't use them to help her focus (like I assume they're intended to be used), but she can use them to calm her body down. She asked for a ring for Christmas so that she can fiddle with it at school.

Naming emotions and their intensity has helped. She sees an OT for her handwriting, and the OT is also helping her with some of her anxiety and emotional reactions. She now labels her status as green ("normal"), yellow (getting upset/mad/frustrated), red (off the charts), or blue (sad). Just yesterday she told me she was red and blue. We (later) joked that she was "sad/mad" like Tip in the movie Home.

This won't work for every family, but I have intentionally severely limited her (and her sister's) after school activities because she craves time at home after school. She gets stressed out if we're on the go too much, so I try to make sure we have at least two afternoons a week where she can come home from school and just relax, play outside, play with her sister, and relax.

Another thing I try to do is something from an article my mom sent me years ago. I believe the article was aimed at parents of children with autism, but it's applicable to all kids. I try to give her "floor time" every day. Time with just the two of us where she leads everything. I get down on the floor with her, we play what she wants, how she wants it, for at least 20 to 30 minutes. As she's gotten older, this time has changed from playing with toys together to just chatting together, but I try to make sure we have time to just exist together (without her sister around, which is why this time is usually right before bed these days). I find that it takes her 10 to 15 minutes of quiet chat before she opens up about things that bother her. I try to help her process whatever has upset her that day to help her develop skills to deal with similar situations in the future.

Also, I try to remind myself (and DH) that these things seem like small issues to us, but to her, they're huge. I try not to trivialize her emotions, but to validate what she's feeling. I also make sure that I tell her that it's okay to feel anything. So, I frequently tell her that it's okay to be angry with me. Just express the emotion appropriately.

Your daughter is definitely not destined to be like your brother just because she has strong emotions as a child. By asking these questions and trying to help her, you're being a great mom!!

[bears]

Thanks everyone for pissing. I have a few books coming in at the library to help and I am really relieved to see that others have dealt with similar emotions with their kids.

[pitta12]

You have gotten some great advice, and I have just one thing to add. My kids have gotten a lot of use from a kids CD by Lori Lite called Indigo Ocean Dreams. It uses stories to walk them through relaxation techniques and they really respond to it. It’s on Amazon Music if you’re a Prime member and want to give it a try.