Teenagers and getting their butts up

[nicechicken]

Hey all, it's been awhile since I posted here, but I'm having an issue and need help! 

I'm billeting three 18 year-old hockey players. It's been fun. I love them, my kid love them.

I don't love that they stay up until 3 am and wake up right before practice at 2pm.

One of them goes to high school too, and getting him up is like pulling teeth. 

They begged for bunk beds (?) So, we hired a contractor and made our storage room into a nice bunk room for them.

So, how do I get them to go the F to sleep? I know internet is a problem. I've threatened to turn it off at midnight. The router is in a spot that they know, and we wouldn't know if they turned it back on. Also, on occasion I'm up doing stuff past 12 too, so I might need to use the internet. 

How do I get them awake? Super soakers? I've threatened. I've left it "up to their grown asses". The one I'm super concerned about is the one in high school. He HAS to graduate this year. I told him he can't stay in the bunk room anymore if he can't get up. 

The coach for the team is no help. So I can't turn to them for anything. 

TLDR: I have three 18 year old boys. All 3 of them stay up super late. 2 of them sleep in til 1pm, the other is constantly late for school. How do I get them to sleep earlier (turning off the internet-options) and how do I wake their asses up?

[sis123]

your house. your rules. if they want to act like kids, treat them like kids and take away all electronics before bed.

[HRH Queen Dick I, Orphan]

What

[VillainV]

I TOTALLY understand the concern for the one still in high school. Can you explain in a little more detail the disturbance caused by the hours kept by the other ones? Are they missing practice? Making too much noise late at night?

I would suggest trying to move the high-schooler into a different room, if possible, so he can get to sleep before the others, and can wake up for school. Otherwise, I would rely on natural consequences -- if they miss practice they get kicked off the team, if they miss work they get fired, etc. You make one good-faith effort to check on them and attempt to wake them up at the appointed time, then after that it becomes their own responsibility.

[W.T.Faulkner]

So, unfortunately, teenagers do have the most jacked circadian rhythms that make this kind of developmentally appropriate. My students do this and I am always like, WHY. lol

That said, they can definitely shift their bedtime back and wake up earlier. My guess is that they are using the internet on their phones — you can have them turn these in to you at midnight at the latest, especially the one in high school. Honestly, I’d make it 11 pm for him. Then you give it back in the morning.

[yogapants]

You can use a system like Circle (https://meetcircle.com/) to control (wifi) internet access even if they have control of the router.

[TR]

Well, teenagers do have different circadian rhythms than adults and studies have been done to show that when school starts later, grades go up. But that’s not super helpful here, I guess.

[lemoncupcake]

What is your responsibility here? I’m not sure that I understand the setup. Obviously you don’t want them to do anything harmful to themselves, but I don’t know how much authority you have to tell them what to do.

[sonrisa]

Instead of focusing on what you don't want, I'd flip that around. What are you expected to provide them? Room and board or just a room? What are their household responsibilities? What exactly is it that you want them to do?

Explain that if they wish to stay with you they must do x, y and z. Don't micromanage. Don't patrol bedtimes or internet hours. Put it back on them. Make them joint and severally responsible for those tasks. All of them have to keep it up or they all need to find somewhere else to live. If the high schooler misses school, they all go. If they are taking care of their obligations, don't sweat the rest of it.

[nicechicken]

Thanks for the responses.

I've been so far into the whole junior hockey thing I forgot that a lot of people don't know what it is.

We have a junior hockey team in town. The players(ages 15-20) live with billet families placed by a billet coordinator (ie: me). They pay $350 which covers room and board. We provide dinner, and they are on their own for breakfast/lunch and snacks (meaning, we provide it, I just don't cook). They are basically a part of our family. They have their responsibilities, they do their laundry, they will take LO(7) to the rink for practice, watch him on occasion, dishes, watching the dogs, etc.

Practice is at 2pm-they are not missing practice, they wake up at the bare minimum at 1pm. These boys could be doing other things (getting jobs, working out, doing their chores), but they stay up so late that they miss the entire morning, and then in the evening spend time with LO/other teammates so the high schoolers homework doesn't get done, and the chores don't get done.

NORMALLY, if there is a problem, the coach addresses it, and will make them skate, or extended work-out or something. They have had a hard year, and basically the coach gave up on them. That's a discussion for another day.

The high schooler will be moving back into his original room today. He will also be doing his homework upstairs at the table. What happens though is that they go into the basement and won't come back up. Then H and I go to bed and they stay up all night.

I'm trying really hard not to micromanage them, but by god, they are dumber than a box of rocks sometimes. I guess some would say the same about me taking in 3 teenagers.

W.T.Faulkner,
TR, Thanks for the insight. I'm glad I'm not too crazy, I just would like for them to go to bed at a regular hour and be productive. I just don't know how to do that without cutting their access to internet, because all they do is play fortnite.

sonrisa, unfortunately, they know I don't have another place for them to go, because it's my job to find them a place. Though I have been tempted to just tell them to sleep at the rink. Your idea of "they take care of each other" though is great, and I think I will implement that. Making them stay up with the HS while he does his homework, etc.

[cajunmom]

My step son is 21 and he still does this, so I have no advice, just commiseration. He does sleep and wake up at decent times on the days he has school but if not, he's up till 3 or 4 am.

[Jalapeñomel]

Jan 23, 2019 17:42:09 GMT -5 nicechicken said:

Thanks for the responses.

I've been so far into the whole junior hockey thing I forgot that a lot of people don't know what it is.

We have a junior hockey team in town. The players(ages 15-20) live with billet families placed by a billet coordinator (ie: me). They pay $350 which covers room and board. We provide dinner, and they are on their own for breakfast/lunch and snacks (meaning, we provide it, I just don't cook). They are basically a part of our family. They have their responsibilities, they do their laundry, they will take LO(7) to the rink for practice, watch him on occasion, dishes, watching the dogs, etc.

Practice is at 2pm-they are not missing practice, they wake up at the bare minimum at 1pm. These boys could be doing other things (getting jobs, working out, doing their chores), but they stay up so late that they miss the entire morning, and then in the evening spend time with LO/other teammates so the high schoolers homework doesn't get done, and the chores don't get done.

NORMALLY, if there is a problem, the coach addresses it, and will make them skate, or extended work-out or something. They have had a hard year, and basically the coach gave up on them. That's a discussion for another day.

The high schooler will be moving back into his original room today. He will also be doing his homework upstairs at the table. What happens though is that they go into the basement and won't come back up. Then H and I go to bed and they stay up all night.

I'm trying really hard not to micromanage them, but by god, they are dumber than a box of rocks sometimes. I guess some would say the same about me taking in 3 teenagers.

W.T.Faulkner,
TR, Thanks for the insight. I'm glad I'm not too crazy, I just would like for them to go to bed at a regular hour and be productive. I just don't know how to do that without cutting their access to internet, because all they do is play fortnite.

sonrisa, unfortunately, they know I don't have another place for them to go, because it's my job to find them a place. Though I have been tempted to just tell them to sleep at the rink. Your idea of "they take care of each other" though is great, and I think I will implement that. Making them stay up with the HS while he does his homework, etc.

Well here is the easy solution: cut their access to FortNite.

[W.T.Faulkner]

Give them a list of chores or require them to get a job (that might be more difficult but they should be at least applying). If they don’t, no basement, no FortNite, and ultimately they may not be able to stay with you.

[devonpow]

I mean, I know they are 18 but are the parents not involved at all, even from afar?

I guess If it was my kid I’d be changing the WiFi password every night at 11 Pm and beyond that let natural consequences play out.

[rosiebear]

I’m not getting this at all. Are you supposed to be like their mom? Or more like a b&b? I’m surprised the terms were not agreed upon when the season began, but I don’t think it’s your place to make an adult get a job.

If getting up at a normal hour, chores, jobs, etc were part of the deal, then of course you can put your foot down. If they weren’t, well, these young men are free to socialize how they want, aren’t they? It doesn’t sound like they are disturbing your sleep; it sounds like you just wish they’d do something more productive with their time.

Next time get the terms agreed upon and in writing.

[yogapants]

Ha. I think billeting for teens is most like being a host parent for a foreign exchange student. Their parents are involved, but they live very far away.

[MixedBerryJam]

Jan 23, 2019 16:21:32 GMT -5 VillainV said:

...Otherwise, I would rely on natural consequences -- if they miss practice they get kicked off the team, if they miss work they get fired, etc. You make one good-faith effort to check on them and attempt to wake them up at the appointed time, then after that it becomes their own responsibility.

This times about 10000!

This one morning I wasn't even harried or anything, and I just randomly, out of habit or something, hollered up to my kids to get up. Just because I spent all morning, every morning holding up to them to get up.

My life changed the day I told my kids, "I'm going to call you ONE TIME in the morning, and after that you're on your own. I won't rush out the door, I won't help you find your shoes, I won't throw that one shirt you need in the dryer because you forgot it last night." They each might have stayed up too late a time or two (okay a hundred) but for the most part they learned very fast to get themselves up and out the door. One of my kids still sets two alarms regularly. 

ETA Wait ... These kids aren't in school? I don't know how long you're hosting them but if they get themselves to practice and they don't have any other commitments (I don't mean chores in your house, I mean school or job) that sounds like a major failure on the part of the program itself.  If the coach has already given up on them I'd see if just sending them home is an option. After all, that would be like the "mother of all natural consequences."

[wildrice]

Jan 23, 2019 21:37:13 GMT -5 rosiebear said:

I’m not getting this at all. Are you supposed to be like their mom? Or more like a b&b? I’m surprised the terms were not agreed upon when the season began, but I don’t think it’s your place to make an adult get a job.

If getting up at a normal hour, chores, jobs, etc were part of the deal, then of course you can put your foot down. If they weren’t, well, these young men are free to socialize how they want, aren’t they? It doesn’t sound like they are disturbing your sleep; it sounds like you just wish they’d do something more productive with their time.

Next time get the terms agreed upon and in writing.

I agree with this. They should be doing their chores, or at a minimum cleaning up after themselves and helping maintain any common spaces that they use. Beyond that, they should be respectful of noise and not bothering or disturbing your family (as much as is reasonable, since you ARE sharing a home I'm sure there is some disturbance that is unavoidable) but I don't think you can reasonably dictate that they need to work (unless you aren't getting the agreed upon rent money) or need to spend their time more productively. Unless there is some social aspect of this type of agreement that I'm not understanding, it sounds like your obligation ends at providing them a place to live and eat. If they screw up other things, that's their lesson to learn.

I'd find it frustrating that they were blowing all their time playing video games too, but realistically if they were off at college or living in an apartment on their own at 18 they'd probably be doing that anyway. It's not your problem IMO. 

[knx9211]

Jan 23, 2019 21:58:34 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Also, I totally misread the thread title until I read your OP. Lol

SAME I WAS SO CONFUSED. LIKE “the kids are doing what now?”

[klee23]

Isn't playing hockey their job though? The way I see it is that even if they had another job in the morning they probably would still stay up way too late playing Fortnite. If they had to wake up at 7-8 for work they likely would be exhausted by the time practice rolled around or at game time. If I was their coach I would be most concerned about their performance in hockey- that is why they are boarding with you afterall.

I'm curious why the coach is throwing in the towel- is this group of kids just not disciplined or is it something else? That's just being nosy.

Clearly I can't relate with boarding teenagers but I'm surprised and impressed that three non-related teenage boys are willing to watch your child, dogs, etc. It does sound more family like vs a business transaction. It also shows they aren't lazy bums, just skewed sleeping habits. I must be biased because I always needed multiple alarms and missed the bus one too many times

[sent]

Is this like a rural Canadian village thing? I'd never heard the word "billet" actually used in regular conversation.

[MixedBerryJam]

Jan 23, 2019 22:38:32 GMT -5 sent said:

Is this like a rural Canadian village thing? I'd never heard the word "billet" actually used in regular conversation.

I've only heard it in a military context but I did misunderstand at first and thought these were all high schoolers or younger who were into serious, but high school level, hockey. Maybe you're onto something with the rural Canada thing.

nicechicken IS BILLETING THE NEW POUTINE?

[pantsparty]

I need more details. Is it $350/kid/month? How long are they staying?

I don't think I have any advice, I just want more info on the arrangement.

[nellgirl]

Jan 23, 2019 23:31:36 GMT -5 MixedBerryJam said:

Jan 23, 2019 22:38:32 GMT -5 sent said:

Is this like a rural Canadian village thing? I'd never heard the word "billet" actually used in regular conversation.

I've only heard it in a military context but I did misunderstand at first and thought these were all high schoolers or younger who were into serious, but high school level, hockey. Maybe you're onto something with the rural Canada thing.

nicechicken IS BILLETING THE NEW POUTINE?

Not the OP, but this is a fairly common thing here in Canada. I know lots of families that have billeted both hockey and ball players during the season, and one of my former students who is 15 will be playing junior next year and will get billeted then since the team is. 4.5 hours away from his family.

[mrsukyankee]

You can have different rules for the high school player from the others. BUT, the HS player still is at an age when they have to be responsible for themselves and if they fuck up their life by not going to bed or waking up to go to school, well, so be it. I'd definitely have a chat with their parents in front of them (aka you are on the phone with it on speaker in front of the kid) and set up the rules and expectations moving forward.

More than anything, I'd have a sit down and talk through your concerns with them. And figure it out with them.

[mccallister84]

Jan 24, 2019 0:06:53 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

I need more details. Is it $350/kid/month? How long are they staying?

I don't think I have any advice, I just want more info on the arrangement.

Yea I’m here. You sound SUPER nice - hiring a contractor to make a bunk room because boys who are living with you temporarily requested it?!?!? How much did that cost you? Where were they sleeping before?

I just have questions.

[keh2oblue]

With the older two who are not in school, I’d just let that go. For the high schooler, I’d enact whatever rules or restrictions I’d have for my own kids.

[esdreturns]

Look into your internet provider. With mine (Xfinity), they have an app you can download. I can control all the devices connected to my wifi and disconnect them at any time. I also have it set up where all my kid's devices are under their own profile with a set time that the wifi goes off.

[calamity]

Do you live in Beartown?

[VillainV]

Jan 24, 2019 8:51:17 GMT -5 esdreturns said:

Look into your internet provider. With mine (Xfinity), they have an app you can download. I can control all the devices connected to my wifi and disconnect them at any time. I also have it set up where all my kid's devices are under their own profile with a set time that the wifi goes off.

The only thing about this is that she essentially has three adult rent-paying tenants. I assume the agreement includes the “landlord” providing basic utilities, including internet. I would be pissed if my landlord withheld internet service (that I essentially paid for) because she didn’t like that I stayed up late playing video games.

If they aren’t completing their expected chores in a timely and satisfactory manner, then she needs to sit down with them and discuss what needs to change. I’m not sure that it makes sense to tell an adult tenant that they can’t stay up late/sleep in late as long as it causing any other disruption. But it’s absolutely fine to hold them to the chores and other expectations outlined in the original agreement.