Need opinions re: my WTF and gym membership

[sweetchix]

I am currently going through a divorce. Things are starting to get ugly and I expect it to get worse. Anyway, my gym membership just expired last month. I didn't really go towards the end because I didn't want to give STBX the opportunity to say "she chose the gym over spending time with the girls". However, my attorney said gym time won't count against me. I was going at night after 8, when the girls were either in bed or I had gotten them ready for bed or Saturday mornings when I'd take them with me (they loved the playroom toys!).

Question is: It costs $299 for the year. On one hand I could, not spend that money on the gym and save it towards expenses that I will incur once I get my own place. On the other hand I could, renew it because it'll be a good stress relief and help me feel better about myself (the slacking at the end of the membership and the bad eating caused me to gain back almost half of the weight I had lost last year).

Thoughts?

[doriswe]

So do you have to pay for the full year at once or can you make payments? $25 a month for a place to work off frustrations isn't really a bad deal, to be honest.

[sweetchix]

Yes, I can make monthly payments.

[stephbfan]

It depends on how tight your budget will be. If you can afford it, go ahead and pay the gym membership. As you said, it will be a great stress reliever.

[Deleted]

If you can afford it, I would keep it.

[doriswe]

I vote renew it....you can't take care of others if you're not healthy enough to take care of yourself!

[sweetchix]

I agree, if I'm not healthy and taking care of myself, what kind of example am I setting for my DDs.

Ok, looks like I'll be calling the gym tomorrow. Thanks ladies!

[sweetchix]

Sept 19, 2012 22:14:39 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

Join the gym. Plus right now it's a joint expense. Cheaper to do it now and cost you roughly half (150) as a joint expense than alone when you're fully divorced and it would all be on you. Make sense?

To us, yes, it makes sense and we would see it as a joint expense. To STBX though, it is not a joint expense. If it is for me, it is to come out of my own personal money. This is a sore subject for us and one of the many reasons behind me wanting the divorce because he's always been controlling with our money. I once told him I felt like I was still single because I had no money and was racking up CC debt again (my current balance is about $3500).

[sweetchix]

Sept 20, 2012 8:47:56 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

Sept 20, 2012 8:28:20 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

To us, yes, it makes sense and we would see it as a joint expense. To STBX though, it is not a joint expense. If it is for me, it is to come out of my own personal money. This is a sore subject for us and one of the many reasons behind me wanting the divorce because he's always been controlling with our money. I once told him I felt like I was still single because I had no money and was racking up CC debt again (my current balance is about $3500).

Do you have a joint account? Just pay for it out of there.

Yes, but he watches it like a hawk. If there is something for myself that I pay out of the joint account he tells me I have to put my own money back into our account to cover it. I am waiting to hear him say something to me about the appraisal for the ring from Tuesday. I used our joint bank card to pay for it.

[sweetchix]

Sept 20, 2012 9:04:26 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

Sept 20, 2012 9:01:55 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

Yes, but he watches it like a hawk. If there is something for myself that I pay out of the joint account he tells me I have to put my own money back into our account to cover it. I am waiting to hear him say something to me about the appraisal for the ring from Tuesday. I used our joint bank card to pay for it.

Fuck that. You don't have to do it. How can he force you to do that? I'd say "fuck you" and just do it.

How were things financial things not discussed before you got married? I don't understand this. (different issue, sorry)

I was naive. No, I was stupid. There were signs, I see that now. But either I didn't see them at that time or I ignored them.

[Deleted]

Okay I do not understand how if you FILED in March you do not have a separation agreement in place and the money situation figured out. Seriously I give a huge WTF to your situation. I think you need a new lawyer.

[naeljun]

Sept 20, 2012 11:54:29 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Okay I do not understand how if you FILED in March you do not have a separation agreement in place and the money situation figured out. Seriously I give a huge WTF to your situation. I think you need a new lawyer.

This is what I think too!

And why do you still have a joint account? I lived with my EH for about 5 months after we decided to divorce and the first thing I did was get my own account.

[Deleted]

Sept 20, 2012 12:01:10 GMT -5 naeljun said:

Sept 20, 2012 11:54:29 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Okay I do not understand how if you FILED in March you do not have a separation agreement in place and the money situation figured out. Seriously I give a huge WTF to your situation. I think you need a new lawyer.

This is what I think too!

And why do you still have a joint account? I lived with my EH for about 5 months after we decided to divorce and the first thing I did was get my own account.

:Y: :Y: :Y: Once the separation agreement was filed, there was a freeze on all joint accounts until the assets were divided in the divorce. I think we also decided in that agreement to split the joint checking and close.

This situation is way beyond not normal. I also think you need to get better educated on the process, your rights and the laws in your state.

[roselis]

Sept 20, 2012 12:01:10 GMT -5 naeljun said:

Sept 20, 2012 11:54:29 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Okay I do not understand how if you FILED in March you do not have a separation agreement in place and the money situation figured out. Seriously I give a huge WTF to your situation. I think you need a new lawyer.

This is what I think too!

And why do you still have a joint account? I lived with my EH for about 5 months after we decided to divorce and the first thing I did was get my own account.

When XH and I separated last Sept, we decided to hold off on separating the joint until the end of October because I was on maternity leave at the time. As soon as Nov 1 hit, we ended the joint checking.

[sweetchix]

Sept 20, 2012 12:01:10 GMT -5 naeljun said:

Sept 20, 2012 11:54:29 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Okay I do not understand how if you FILED in March you do not have a separation agreement in place and the money situation figured out. Seriously I give a huge WTF to your situation. I think you need a new lawyer.

This is what I think too!

And why do you still have a joint account? I lived with my EH for about 5 months after we decided to divorce and the first thing I did was get my own account.

He is very controlling with the money. Right now I have access to "our" money for necesseties for the girls, house, etc... If we were to close it and open our own individual accounts, I have a feeling it would be extremely difficult for me to get money from him to help pay for those necessities.

[Deleted]

Sept 20, 2012 12:30:58 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

Sept 20, 2012 12:01:10 GMT -5 naeljun said:

This is what I think too!

And why do you still have a joint account? I lived with my EH for about 5 months after we decided to divorce and the first thing I did was get my own account.

He is very controlling with the money. Right now I have access to "our" money for necesseties for the girls, house, etc... If we were to close it and open our own individual accounts, I have a feeling it would be extremely difficult for me to get money from him to help pay for those necessities.

Oh! Do you not work outside the home? I could see this being the difference. Sorry I just assumed you did. Yea that would make it much, much harder.

[sweetchix]

Sept 20, 2012 12:36:44 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Sept 20, 2012 12:30:58 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

He is very controlling with the money. Right now I have access to "our" money for necesseties for the girls, house, etc... If we were to close it and open our own individual accounts, I have a feeling it would be extremely difficult for me to get money from him to help pay for those necessities.

Oh! Do you not work outside the home? I could see this being the difference. Sorry I just assumed you did. Yea that would make it much, much harder.

No, I don't work from home.

[Deleted]

Sept 20, 2012 12:44:40 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

Sept 20, 2012 12:36:44 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Oh! Do you not work outside the home? I could see this being the difference. Sorry I just assumed you did. Yea that would make it much, much harder.

No, I don't work from home.

So you do have a job? From your reply I assumed you were a stay at home mom. I guess I'm confused why you can't open a single account and start depositing your checks there?

[sweetchix]

Sept 20, 2012 12:59:58 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Sept 20, 2012 12:44:40 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

No, I don't work from home.

So you do have a job? From your reply I assumed you were a stay at home mom. I guess I'm confused why you can't open a single account and start depositing your checks there?

No, I'm not a SAHM. Technically I could open my own account, but as I stated above, I could see it being very difficult getting money from him for household items or necessities for the girls. However, that could work in my benefit in the long run.

[sweetchix]

Sept 20, 2012 13:38:20 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

Sept 20, 2012 13:36:32 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

No, I'm not a SAHM. Technically I could open my own account, but as I stated above, I could see it being very difficult getting money from him for household items or necessities for the girls. However, that could work in my benefit in the long run.

He doesn't need to know you're opening your own account. Talk to your lawyer about this.

I planned on talking to my attorney about this anyway. I have no savings. And I thought I could open my own side account and deposit some money every week, even if it was just $20/week. But I want to be sure STBX will have no claim to the money in there before doing so.

[Deleted]

Sept 20, 2012 13:40:32 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

. But I want to be sure STBX will have no claim to the money in there before doing so.

Good I'm glad you're checking with your lawyer because I know laws can be so different.

Also I know some of us (me included) have been a little snarky about your situation and it does seem unusual. You're lawyer really thinks there aren't any solutions here? I feel really bad for you. I mean divorces can drag out for years and it seems odd there aren't some temporary agreements that can be put in place.

[naeljun]

Sept 20, 2012 13:44:00 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Sept 20, 2012 13:40:32 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

. But I want to be sure STBX will have no claim to the money in there before doing so.

Good I'm glad you're checking with your lawyer because I know laws can be so different.

Also I know some of us (me included) have been a little snarky about your situation and it does seem unusual. You're lawyer really thinks there aren't any solutions here? I feel really bad for you. I mean divorces can drag out for years and it seems odd there aren't some temporary agreements that can be put in place.

A lot of times attorneys drag out divorces longer than needed because they get paid more that way. I know I am the exception and not the rule but my entire divorce was less than 500.00 dollars...flat fee attorney. Got shit done. quickly.

[sweetchix]

Sept 20, 2012 13:44:00 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Sept 20, 2012 13:40:32 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

. But I want to be sure STBX will have no claim to the money in there before doing so.

Good I'm glad you're checking with your lawyer because I know laws can be so different.

Also I know some of us (me included) have been a little snarky about your situation and it does seem unusual. You're lawyer really thinks there aren't any solutions here? I feel really bad for you. I mean divorces can drag out for years and it seems odd there aren't some temporary agreements that can be put in place.

I've asked if there was any way I could file for temporary custody and move out, and was told I wouldn't be allowed. I also asked if/when the house goes up for sale, could I get permission from the courts to move with the girls to the next suitable residence, which is my mom's where they spent 2 days of their lives every day since the end of my maternity leaves, and he said "I'm going to give you and optimistic No" which I don't even know what the hell that means.

I looked online a bit for NY laws and either of us moving out while a divorce is pending and everything I've found strongly advises against it. Unless of course there was any kind of abuse. Why does it seem that everyone I've ever known in NY who's gotten divorced was able to take the kids and move out immediately or kick the other out immediately. Is this new or something???

[sweetchix]

Sept 20, 2012 15:37:51 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

Sept 20, 2012 15:35:11 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

I've asked if there was any way I could file for temporary custody and move out, and was told I wouldn't be allowed. I also asked if/when the house goes up for sale, could I get permission from the courts to move with the girls to the next suitable residence, which is my mom's where they spent 2 days of their lives every day since the end of my maternity leaves, and he said "I'm going to give you and optimistic No" which I don't even know what the hell that means.

I looked online a bit for NY laws and either of us moving out while a divorce is pending and everything I've found strongly advises against it. Unless of course there was any kind of abuse. Why does it seem that everyone I've ever known in NY who's gotten divorced was able to take the kids and move out immediately or kick the other out immediately. Is this new or something???

*This is not legal advice*
Are you going fault or no fault? With a fault divorce (which was the norm up until a couple years ago) you needed to file for separation and life separately for a full year without sex before you could qualify for divorce.

No fault.

ETA: Although I could have filed fault for abandonment of sexual intimacy, or something like that. Last time he even tried to make the moves on me was August 2010

[mclovin]

That is a long time. Is he cheating?

[sweetchix]

Sept 20, 2012 20:06:02 GMT -5 mclovin said:

That is a long time. Is he cheating?

Not that I am aware of. But I doubt it. I think he gets some hand lovin' in the shower.