What are your kids going to say about you or their dad or their childhood when they’re in therapy as adults?
DD: Everyone always said how I was just like my mom. My mom was a workaholic who was moody a lot of the time. And she had really high expectations. Plus she was gone all the time, and left us with my dad, who was too busy hanging out with his mom to do anything beyond the basics for us. So I had to grow up really fast. What if I don’t want to be like my mom?
DS: My mom was hard on my dad, who was a stay at home dad. And Dad was harder on me than he was my older sister. He wanted me to be more like her. My mom worried too much about everything. My sister was bossy and controlling, and my dad and grandma thought it was funny and cute. Plus everyone had such high hopes for my sister that I was the leftover kid.
Oldest DD - my Dad is sooo nice but my mom divorced him. She probably could have made it work. My stepdad wanted me to do too many chores, it was annoying and I always took it personally. My sister is too short to do anything - unload the dishwasher, put away groceries, take out the trash - it was so unfair. At 11 I was babysitting! I’ve been doing CBT with biofeedback since I was 11, too, because of all my medical stuff so I don’t have much to unpack here.
Middle DD - I always felt a little unloved as the middle child. I’m obviously very smart but no one cared as much as they did about my siblings and whatever they did. So I slacked off some and then got in trouble for it which was never fair. Everyone always thought I was tired and that I was being bratty - I just had a lot of social obligations and they should have just let me do my thing. So exhausting.
DS - everyone loves me so much! Except maybe middle DD, sometimes she was mean, but she’s clutch. I’ve always been the cool kid and my parents had no idea how to handle that - I mean, Dad said he was popular and he tells crazy stories about high school, but he doesn’t really get it. School was so easy and boring and my mom always got all wound up when I didn’t want to do the work. It would have been better if she would have relaxed, but she doesn’t really know how.
DS- Mom likes to get ready a lot. She’s always in a rush, go go go. She makes me behave, do homework and chores. She comes down on me hard sometimes and other times she pretends to sleep on the couch while I sneak snacks, don’t go to sleep and do a bad job on my chores. She fights with my dad and sometimes screams. I don’t understand why she would scream at my dad- he’s wonderful mostly.
DD- Mom always yells at me. She won’t let me complain all the time. She doesn’t let me eat junk food or buy me anything and makes me go to bed. She rolls her eyes a lot and calls me dramatic. She is always is telling me not to be a perfectionist. She makes me do EVERYTHING in the entire house. How can I do that, I’m only 6?
Both kids: My mom is weird. My dad is too. They do weird things together all the time. AND MY GOD DO THEY HUG A LOT. A LOT A LOT. Like.. no one is allowed to leave the house without hugging everyone goodbye and saying they love each other. Ever. Okay, that part's not too bad. BUT THEY ARE SO WEIRD. And neither one of them knows how to dress. They're so embarassing. AND WHY DID THEY LET US LEAVE THE HOUSE IN THOSE HIDEOUS OUTFITS?!?!
How fitting that my kids start therapy this week...
I think the high note for both will be the "dad left mom for the high school babysitter" story line. Hard to beat that. I'm sure DD1 will be upset about being smart but not getting as much attention as DD2 because she didn't have attention/executive functioning issues. She's also got some anxiety now, so I hope it doesn't get worse. DD2 will be still coping with her own attention issues. And of course the added bonus of twin angst and never feeling like their own person will be in there too.
How fitting that my kids start therapy this week...
I think the high note for both will be the "dad left mom for the high school babysitter" story line. Hard to beat that. I'm sure DD1 will be upset about being smart but not getting as much attention as DD2 because she didn't have attention/executive functioning issues. She's also got some anxiety now, so I hope it doesn't get worse. DD2 will be still coping with her own attention issues. And of course the added bonus of twin angst and never feeling like their own person will be in there too.
waverly , Oh ya. I didn't quite reveal the whole story here. But it's what finally sparked the divorce. Affair last summer, lost his job, and now she's living with him. She had graduated when it all started, but still messed up. My life has basically been a soap opera for the past year.
2chatter, Totally sucks. waverly, Thanks. We're kind of looking at the light at the end of the tunnel now? I guess? At least the major drama is over with at this point.
DS - My mom was a hard ass and could be really demanding. She had intense mood swings but I know she tried hard. She fixed everything for us but I wish that sometime she would just stay out of my business and leave me be. Dad was fun but worked a ton. He wasn’t a good listener but he loved me more than anything.
DD- my parents are so annoying. I mean Mom knows a lot of stuff but gawd, I know what I’m doing! She drove me crazy as a kid keeping to schedules and cleaning up after myself. Oh, and the fruits and vegetables!! Enough! I’ll poop when I’m ready!
DD1- Mom worked a ton when I was little, so I was always with the nanny. Then she stayed home with my sister starting when she was 4. It’s so unfair. My dad is never home because he works all the time, and my mom is always grumpy. But I don’t want to clean up after myself! Why should I? Mom and Dad can do it! And if I leave anything at home, Mom can just bring it to me at school 25 minutes away. She doesn’t do anything all day anyway. But she’s pretty mean. She won’t let eat what I want, makes me shower EVERY DAY 🙄 AND brush my teeth too. And she only takes me to softball 3-4 days a week, group therapy, personal therapy, gets me hone in time for piano every week, and makes me go to all of my millions of appointments. Otherwise it’s just all about my sister and SHES SO ANNOYING!!!
DD2 - My Mom is the best except when she says I can’t watch the iPad. Other than that, I want to be with her ALL THE TIME. Especially when she’s in the bathroom. That’s my favorite time for a deep conversation. I’m never, ever moving out. Oh, Dad takes me to tennis, and that’s fine, but I’d really prefer Mom. Because, you know, the best. But sometimes Mom goes places without me. I feel bad because she clearly misses me when she’s forced to go out with her friends or with Daddy, so I always cling to her so that I can easily get to the car with her. Because she really shouldn’t leave without me. Ever.
Post by librarychica on May 7, 2019 19:09:51 GMT -5
DD1: My mom is a kind woman and I know she loved us but, man, she had issues with her mother. Her issues had issues. I’m sure they’re the reason she always insisted on working even though she didn’t need to. I just wanted all her attention and she could have stayed with us. B’s mom didn’t work and neither did J&A’s or K’s dad. etc. Aunt Amanda? Sure I guess she had a job but that isn’t the point. Anyway I thought gran was pretty awesome, personally. Okay so she was passive-aggressive and chain smoked but she sure was fun. My mother is not fun. Dad? He was fine. Really into math.
DD2: I love my sister but she could complain, kwim? And freak out. So what if there are a bunch of people around? What’s she stay awake worrying about at night anyway? Maybe I wouldn’t have minded a little coddling here and there too. Our lives are good, though, so why worry. Dad sometimes slipped and put pressure on me to be a little kid genius like he was, but I could take it. Gran said I was just like mom and grandma said I was just like dad but, honestly, I think I’d rather be like the dog.
waverly , Oh ya. I didn't quite reveal the whole story here. But it's what finally sparked the divorce. Affair last summer, lost his job, and now she's living with him. She had graduated when it all started, but still messed up. My life has basically been a soap opera for the past year.
When you say "had graduated" are we talking highschool or college I zoned on high school for some reason and how old is she?
Post by traveltheworld on May 8, 2019 0:06:38 GMT -5
DS: My mom worried all the time. She tried not to show it, but you could just tell that she was worrying. I was fine. I don't know why she was so obsessed. Dad was cool.
DD: My mom worried about my brother all the time. No real reason for it. She tried really hard to take an interest in me, but I could just tell that her focus was always on my brother.
Holy shit, twinmomma! Yes, I would say his teaching career is well and truly over. I can’t imagine how her parents feel about all this. She’s ruined her life too.
You have handled this with an amazing amount of grace.
twinmomma,oh wow, that is so many ways of messed up and inappropriate. For a man who has daughters I cannot fathom this, and I am going to drop it unless you wish to discuss it further, because I am sure it is a sore spot for you.
I will say that I am amazed at the maturity and grace you have handled this. I would not have.
mommyatty, xctsclrx, Thanks. Everyone keeps using that word "grace" to describe my reaction. I guess it's good I found an amazing therapist as soon as it all hit the fan? I'd love to burn it all down, but it's really been protecting my own self-interests and the kids that has stopped me. I don't want my name associated with anything were it to become even more public. We're past the investigations, job loss, divorce, etc. So now I'm in the solid rebuilding phase and trying to finally feel better about everything. I've started telling more people what's happened now that we're safely past it being in the news and destroying my life as much. I refuse to see her or interact with her in any way and now communicate with XH via text only, unless absolutely necessary for the kids. My main concern is how much this is going to mess up my kids now. Hence the therapy they're starting this week.
twinmomma - fwiw I never think badly of spouses in cases like this - they are in no way associated with the incidents or behavior. Many people questioned my choice of exh after everything came out, but it always baffled me. Oh yes, I knew he had huge issues and I chose him. No! Of course not! We make choices based on the information we have and I can only assume that when y’all were in high school he wasn’t dating first graders, you know? Be kind to yourself. And kids really are wildly resilient.
Hugs twinmomma. I can understand the reasons for taking the high road. Shame on him for the whole situation and good for you for walking away and being strong for your girls.
DD1 - Anxiety/obsession about food due to her food allergy and us having rules about never eating anything without asking.
DD2 - She will probably sob about being the middle child and never getting attention since we always worry about keeping DD1 and DD3 safe.
DD3 - Had it way too easy and will get away with everything. She is the baby and her sisters are also very protective and do everything for her.
DD: Daddy never showed an interest into what I wanted to do. If I wanted his attention I had to pretend to like what he liked to do so he would do something with me. Mom was always tired and did everything and made sure everyone had everything. Mom is also my biggest cheerleader and advocate. I sometimes wish daddy would disappear and it could just be us girls as we have so much fun on girls weekends. (DD actually said this last weekend)
twinmomma, hugs, I hope therapy goes good this week for the girls.
OMG twinmomma . If it can happen to Jennifer Garner and Gwen Stefani, it obviously has nothing to do with you. You're lucky to be (mostly) rid of him.
My kids will say Daddy had a temper and made mommy cry - we've only argued in front of them a couple times, but it made a major impression because they bring it up frequently.
As much as we try to be cognizant of birth order stuff, I'm sure my kids would say the standard stuff based on their birth order - DD would say she's held to a higher standard and expected to take care of her brothers, and DS1 would say he was an overlooked middle child. DS2 might say he was dragged to his siblings' activities.