Just a vent

[HeartofCheese]

My two work friends who got me through my divorce have bailed on me. It started in November when our office announced it was closing and I was shut out of all the discussions about what people were doing/going through. Everytime we talked about it, I heard from them that I had nothing to complain about b/c they somehow thought that I was on top of everything b/c I immediately started applying for jobs. Since then I've started a new job and they're declining invites, not inviting me out. I recently spent $90 on a Girls Wkd for one of their 40th bdays and neither can make time to even stop by my weeknd long thing. (I know that sounds indulgent, but I'm treating myself to glamping over a weekend and just invited people to stop or stay the night if/when they're able.) But they did make plans to go one night to another thing after I'd sent my invite out. I invited everyone almost 6 wks in advance...

I'm just mourning. My mom says this happens with work friends no matter how close you think you are. Does it? 

[waverly]

I am a friend cynic, so take with a slight grain of salt. The majority of friendships, I think, are based on convenience. I do have friends where I work, and I will probably see them if I am still in the area but maybe 1-2 times a year- not often. Once the convenience of seeing each other stops (no longer in the same classes, school, job, activities, one of you moves away) then friendships start to fade. There are some exceptions, but I find those to be few, and perhaps there is someone or something driving those exceptions.


I've lowered my expectations a lot. People in this area are either over scheduled or very particular about what they do and their kids do, so that makes it difficult because most people are not go with the flow lets hang out types in this region.

[186momx]

I'm going to agree with waverly, and that once the convenience of seeing each other every work day goes away so do the friendships. I have 1 friend that I've kept since middle/high school and that friendship has shifted and varied over time. I have 1 old work friend from my summer/college job but we had like interests outside of work so that kept us connected and now both our daughters are the same age and get along great so another easy connect. After that my friendships really vary and I would call them more associates that I may do something with once in a while than a friend I'm going to cry on their shoulder.

HeartofCheese, I think it is really cool your are glamping for your 40th and have an open house come and hang party theme going on. I hope you have a blast and you shouldn't let these to ladies ruin your fun.

[twinmomma]

Work friends are just a weird thing. I had a BFF level friend that I would room with on work trips, made it thru both of us having babies and all that. Then I quit that place and have seen her maybe 3 times in 3 years? It's just fizzled out and gotten awkward without that daily common bond. I would try not to take it personally.
Your birthday plan sounds super fun!

[2chatter]

I’ve worked from home for 12 years and
Consulted before. But will your birthday be like the Jennifer Garner camping show!?! Fun!!!!

[supertrooper1]

I'm only 2 months removed from my work place and I feel disconnected to my work friends. We still text and work IM occasionally, but when we're busy with work it's hard to make time for that. Busy schedules make it difficult to get together. It was so much easier working in the same building when you could just stop by and chat for a minute.

[rere]

I think all friends are cyclical, convieince. I have always wished for that "refrigerator friend" thick and thin sister. However, most of mine are work, hang out because our husbands or kids hang out. I have had a few friends fade away when the initial connection was gone or they found something else.

[campermom]

Do you remember my work friend camping story? All 10 of them cancelled on me the DAY before the trip. I’ve never been so hurt.

Work friends are not friends. That changed me! But I guess I’m way more careful with my feelings now. I just stick to my real friends outside of work.

I’m sorry. It really sucks.

[traveltheworld]

Sorry, it does suck. I spent 9 years at the same firm, went through mat leave with a few of the associates, and thought we were close friends. Alas, once I left, those friendships faded. At first I thought it was just me, but then I realized most people didn't / don't keep in close contact with their former work friends, no matter how close they were before.

[k3am]

I spent 8 years at the same company. My work friends were my life. I switched companies, and since I left, I’ve seen 6 people since then. 2 people I randomly ran into, 2 people I coordinated meeting (for work related purposes), 1 person I saw but pretended not to see, and 1 that I meet with monthly for lunch.

Everyone else? Haven’t seen. When I switched companies, I moved less than a block away. Those people fell away fast.

[mustardseed2007]

Not to post hijack but this is so interesting to me. I have a group of ladies I hang out with maybe twice a year or so. We all worked at the same place out of college for a year and then went to law school. We're now all married, 3 of the 4 have kids and 3 of the 4 are practicing lawyers, they are all lawyers. When we worked together we would go do purely social things like - not just happy hours but go to plays or hang out or have a party at someone's house. Partially it was our age, I'm sure.

Anyway, I called a meeting of this group recently because, like I said, they're all lady lawyers and I need to talk to some lady lawyers right now who don't work with or for me. Its out of character for me to initiate this, but we have lunch planned.

However I am calling them for lunch vs. come do this social thing with me at a bar or glamping some place. I am betting that it would be harder to get them out for something like that, but I don't know. Aside from lunch I've only hung out with them at kids birthday parties (3 out of the 4 of us have kids).

But also, in your case it sounds also like they might be jealous of you because of the way you guys had to leave your job. So it might be the case that seeing you makes them feel bad about themselves and so they don't want to do it...?

[HeartofCheese]

I've rented a yurt. It has electricity, A/C, a fridge, patio, actual beds... I have a spa morning carved out on Saturday, but otherwise just chillin' like a villain. Ironically, most of my guests will be people from my new job.

That makes me sad that work friends are so fickle. I poured my heart and soul into these guys having gone through so much with them over the past 8 years. I guess at least I can stop taking it personally...

[waverly]

Not to say people from the past don’t matter, but I feel like it’s people who are here for you now that are more important (at this moment). Those people were there for you in the past and that was a great gift and now these people are here for you now.

I would get upset too (we are only human). I would cut people out like reject them as they were rejecting me type thing, but I’ve learned to keep the door open just a tiny bit (unless extenuating circumstances). For example I became close with a college friend 10 years after college and she plans girls weekends with people I haven’t stayed in touch with and they are super fun. I would have never thought 15 years ago I would be going on girls weekends with them. So you never know who might resurface in your life in a good way.

[2chatter]

That sounds like an amazing birthday weekend!

I assume the neighborhood friends I have will be friends until one of us moves. My only non-transient friends are my college roommates, a subset of my sorority sisters and a few high school friends.

Parties tend to be the more transient friends plus the roommates. I socialize with my sorority sisters a time or two a month (fancy pool day on Sunday and I cannot wait!!) but that group is insular. It doesn’t usually overlap other groups with the exception of funerals/weddings/babies. I’ve always found the overlaps and dynamics interesting. I say enjoy yourself and live in the moment!!

[mrspez07]

I worked at a place for 12 years, through 20s and early 30s, so lots of parties/social events. I invited many of those people to my wedding, was close with many of them. I left nearly 7 years ago, many are still there and it’s like you get ousted from the special club.
I’ve been to a few social events throughout the years with them, but no one reciprocates. I have two that I felt really close to (only 1 still works there), and it’s like a competition to be the busiest and cancel or reschedule lunches all the time! I stopped trying, lunch plans would go months to a year+ before happening.
Weirdly, others who left before I did I am still in contact more often with and while we don’t see each other as much, if I threw out an invite, they’d try Harder to be there.

[covergirl82]

I have one work friend that has survived us not working together. We've been separated as coworkers for about a year, but we make plans to have lunch about once a month. I have found that a lot of coworker friends really end up being acquaintances. This one former coworker friend is a true, dear friend.

[2chatter]

I was just reminded by FB that I do have longer lasting work friends in other cities - just not local. The distinguishing factor is aligned political and social views and similar recreational interests. That’s not the same as some other work friends whose political views I ignored....

[HeartofCheese]

I just got invited to one of the women's going away parties. 

[mommyatty]

HeartofCheese, you can warn her she’s about to be virtually shunned!

I’ll echo what everyone else says. Absent something else connecting you, work friendships end with the job. It sucks, but it is what it is.

[livinitup]

I developed a friendly relationship at work with a woman when we both had babies a few weeks apart and shared the pumping room in the morning for months. She got a new job and I met her for lunch a few times, then had her/her family over for a BBQ and then she totally ghosted me. Weird. I don’t know why. Maybe there was no reason. I think it just happens a lot.

[dglvrk2]

May 15, 2019 11:59:25 GMT -5 waverly said:

Not to say people from the past don’t matter, but I feel like it’s people who are here for you now that are more important (at this moment). Those people were there for you in the past and that was a great gift and now these people are here for you now.

I would get upset too (we are only human). I would cut people out like reject them as they were rejecting me type thing, but I’ve learned to keep the door open just a tiny bit (unless extenuating circumstances). For example I became close with a college friend 10 years after college and she plans girls weekends with people I haven’t stayed in touch with and they are super fun. I would have never thought 15 years ago I would be going on girls weekends with them. So you never know who might resurface in your life in a good way.

This!!! Different people are more compatible with us -as friends- at different phases of our lives. Friendships can regain momentum as time goes on too. I find when and how to be unpredictable, however...

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this. Mourning is completely understandable. And your party sounds awesome! Hugs!