Do you have a controlling personality?

[rooster222]

How do you keep it under control as to not impact your family in a negative way?  I just don't know how to be chill about anything and things like the nutrition of our children make me really...intense.  I like things a certain way and there isn't usually much of a gray area to me.  Do you believe controlling personalities are the result of anxiety?  

[raangoli]

Yes and I absolutely see it as a result of my anxiety especially around food issues. BB takes forever to eat and eats very little at times. I try to remember the division of responsibilities that is so often referred to on this board as a reminder that she is also in control. It’s hard though.

The other thing I remind myself of is that she’s growing and when she’s hungry she will eat. I keep healthy snacks within her reach in the kitchen and ask her to at least try some of her food before moving on.

[ktw]

I do. In my case, I don't think it's necessarily the result of anxiety (at least, not most of the time), so I think that makes it easier for me to control my controlling behavior, if that makes sense? Like, if I step back, I can see rationally that if I want someone else to help me feed my children, I have to give up some control and let them do it their way. Or, if the issue is my kid not eating what I've served, I can rationally understand that I can't control what they actually eat, only offer them options that are acceptable to me. If it was all driven by anxiety, I can see how it would be more difficult to do that.

Can you give an example of what behavior is impacting your family negatively, so I can try to see how I would (attempt to) handle that situation?

[hamster]

I definitely have control issues and anxiety, but whether they are related is situation dependent. Like, flying definitely is. Loading the dishwasher properly (aka my way) isn't. It's just the right way

[lucybrown]

My controlling tendencies are absolutely related to my anxiety and depression.

I have to work really hard to pick my battles and ask myself "How important is it?" constantly. I constantly remind myself that my kids have two parents and it absolutely shouldn't be my way all the time. H is very breezy and his desires should be as important as mine. This is one of the main sources of conflict in our marriage.

I really don't enjoy spending time with controlling, anxious people who want it their way all the time. And I definitely wouldn't tolerate someone yelling at me for not doing things their way. So, I try not to be that person.  Ultimately, I think it's my responsibility to manage my anxiety well enough that it doesn't impact my relationships (much). However, I'm talking about little things, not big things that I seriously disagree with. It's all about picking my battles.

[Mrs.flang]

I think I do. In my relationship with DH it presents problems because I feel like if I want something done right, I have to do it myself. And then I get resentful because I feel like I have to do everything myself! Off the top of my head, this ranges from grocery shopping, to discipline. The only way I've been able to handle it is to become more chill about certain things and I do find that after a while I don't have to make as much effort to be chill about it, so practicing not caring helps me to not care as much about the little things.

[icedcoffee]

Yes---mostly with cleaning, food for DS and clothes for DS. My H will never clean up to my standards so I basically just do it myself. I get really anxious if H feeds DS something I don't want him to have. I also pick out DS' clothes every night because otherwise my H picks out some crazy stuff for him. I try to let things go, but it's hard.

[ktw]

May 15, 2019 10:53:32 GMT -5 hamster said:

I definitely have control issues and anxiety, but whether they are related is situation dependent. Like, flying definitely is. Loading the dishwasher properly (aka my way) isn't. It's just the right way

It's funny you said this. When I was thinking of my answer, I was trying to see if I could spin my dishwasher control issues into something driven by anxiety...nope! For me, with a lot of things (and definitely the dishwasher), it's driven by my desire for efficiency in all that I do. So I just quietly reorganize the whole dishwasher every time that I open it .

[mbcdefg]

I grew up with very controlling* parents so I think I'm hyper-sensitive to situations where I feel like MH (who, IMO, probably has some anxiety-related issues) is being too controlling over DD.

To the point where I think I get unnecessary harsh with him in telling him to back off, and where I think I could stand to be a bit more strict with DD ... not that I'm endangering her safety or venturing into "I'm not a regular mom, I'm a Cool Mom" territory, but often I have to stop and ask myself what battles are worth fighting with both DD and MH. Or, basically, when I'm being chill vs. when I'm being lazy. 

* I'm talking about a different kind of "control" than things like being concerned over a child's nutrition or being upset that the house isn't clean enough - which I don't even view as "controlling" per se.

[rooster222]

May 15, 2019 10:51:38 GMT -5 ktw said:

I do. In my case, I don't think it's necessarily the result of anxiety (at least, not most of the time), so I think that makes it easier for me to control my controlling behavior, if that makes sense? Like, if I step back, I can see rationally that if I want someone else to help me feed my children, I have to give up some control and let them do it their way. Or, if the issue is my kid not eating what I've served, I can rationally understand that I can't control what they actually eat, only offer them options that are acceptable to me. If it was all driven by anxiety, I can see how it would be more difficult to do that.

Can you give an example of what behavior is impacting your family negatively, so I can try to see how I would (attempt to) handle that situation?

The biggest issue is food.  I don't want our kids having junk food and I cook according to a pretty restrictive diet.  I get really controlling when someone goes rogue and starts eating whatever (dh included).  I'm not completely unreasonable but I think treats should be reserved for special occasions and not a daily thing.  I think this mostly stems from all of the health problems in my family.  Also, dh has had some health problems (he would probably disagree and say they were no big deal) in the last few years and I have a major fear of him getting sick with cancer or heart disease.  His side of the family is especially unhealthy and it makes me worry that he will fall into the same bad patterns.  I've expressed all of this to him and he mostly (begrudgingly it feels to me) goes along with what I want.  

There are other things but the food causes the most unrest in our house.  Like some others have mentioned, I do most of the house chores myself because no one else can do them right in my eyes.  

[ktw]

May 15, 2019 11:32:31 GMT -5 rooster222 said:

May 15, 2019 10:51:38 GMT -5 ktw said:

I do. In my case, I don't think it's necessarily the result of anxiety (at least, not most of the time), so I think that makes it easier for me to control my controlling behavior, if that makes sense? Like, if I step back, I can see rationally that if I want someone else to help me feed my children, I have to give up some control and let them do it their way. Or, if the issue is my kid not eating what I've served, I can rationally understand that I can't control what they actually eat, only offer them options that are acceptable to me. If it was all driven by anxiety, I can see how it would be more difficult to do that.

Can you give an example of what behavior is impacting your family negatively, so I can try to see how I would (attempt to) handle that situation?

The biggest issue is food.  I don't want our kids having junk food and I cook according to a pretty restrictive diet.  I get really controlling when someone goes rogue and starts eating whatever (dh included).  I'm not completely unreasonable but I think treats should be reserved for special occasions and not a daily thing.  I think this mostly stems from all of the health problems in my family.  Also, dh has had some health problems (he would probably disagree and say they were no big deal) in the last few years and I have a major fear of him getting sick with cancer or heart disease.  His side of the family is especially unhealthy and it makes me worry that he will fall into the same bad patterns.  I've expressed all of this to him and he mostly (begrudgingly it feels to me) goes along with what I want.  

There are other things but the food causes the most unrest in our house.  Like some others have mentioned, I do most of the house chores myself because no one else can do them right in my eyes.  

The food issue seems very loaded, so I'll just start by saying that when it comes to the chores, can you break it down? Are there certain tasks that HAVE to be done a certain way in your mind, but others that you can be a little more lax on? If so, do the ones that have to be done your way yourself, and outsource (to your H, kids, cleaner, whoever) the others. Make a real effort not to comment on how they do the chore or how they could do it better. Just thank whoever for doing it. I am able to accept lower standards on certain chores/jobs, when I really think about the time and energy I save not doing it myself. Sometimes, done is better than perfect.

For the food, this is tough, because you seem to have a lot of anxiety about it, and it is rooted in real concern for your family. However, I do think you have to try to get a handle on it, through whatever means necessary. For the kids, I would sit down with your husband and make a list of ground rules that you are both ok with. You will both have to give a little. And then agree to try your best not to do anything "controlling" (however this manifests for you), as long as the ground rules are followed. Maybe that means dessert twice a week is ok, and you won't say anything as long as the rule is followed. Stuff like that. On the flip side, your husband should agree to follow the rules with the kids, and not push the boundaries you have both decided to set. Share the rules with your kids, if they're old enough to understand, so that their expectations are set appropriately. It's hard to tell exactly how strictly you limit their diets, I would caution that being too controlling could result in damage to your relationship with them and/or disordered eating/inability to moderate behavior on the part of your kids.

As far as your husband goes, I would not take kindly to my husband controlling what I eat. I am an adult, and I am able to make my own decisions. I am old enough to understand the health risks, and seek any information I require to understand them. If you can, I would try to stop controlling his food, cold turkey. If he's agreeable, you could try to set ground rules with him, too, in an effort to keep your anxiety under control and to save him from having to cope with the controlling behavior.

If any of this seems or ends up being impossible for you, I would seek outside help. Maybe you need to sit down with your husband and a nutritionist to get him more on board with your ideas of healthy eating and/or to discuss some ways to allow treats in moderation. If the issue ends up being that your husband can't control his eating or that he's really risking his health, there may be a therapist/nutritionist/doctor who can help him. Maybe it's sitting down with a therapist to discuss your anxiety and how it's manifesting at home.

[boiler717]

I do and have been very successful at keeping it out of other people’s interactions with my son. This is probably one of my top concerns pre-baby and developed several strategies to help. Overall, keeping in mind that the best thing for everyone in our house is for my son and husband to have a confident, strong relationship really helps (and also with my parents!). I do not want to have the family dynamic where I have to take all the responsibility for everything, so that means I have to let DH feel confident and able to do things or else he’d just shut down.
I am more likely to exert control when I have a stake in the task, so giving DH 100% control of certain things (baths and laundry) have been really helpful. I do not participate in any step (expect bathe him if DH is gone). He handled registry for bath stuff, is responsible for all products needed for bathing and laundry, and does all the laundry from collecting to putting away. He also did 100% of diaper changes when home and was responsible for all registry items for diapering and restocking of supplies. I literally don’t even think about them. If it’s a task that is shared I’m much more likely to be exacting in how it’s done.
DH and I have an agreement not to offer feedback in the moment without asking if it’s okay. If it’s not life or death, we do not interfere in each other’s parenting. Period. When DS was an infant, that meant me leaving the room while he learned soothing skills and didn’t tell him how to do it. Now he’s a preschooler and it’s still the same. After the moment has passed, we may offer suggestions but we work really hard at building each other open in tough situations instead of defaulting to me taking over.

[goldengirlz]

I truly believe my life is so much easier because I’m happy to cede control on day-to-day household and parenting stuff to H. Like, you can’t complain that your SO never pitches in and then be like BUT IT HAS TO BE DONE MY WAY.

It helps, of course, that H shares my values about things like healthy eating and making sure DD is set up for success in school (whether that’s practicing for a test or getting to bed at a reasonable time.) But I don’t sweat the details. I can’t expect him to be a true partner and then second-guess every decision.

[devonpow]

What’s the restrictive diet? What do you consider junk? Just as a personal anecdote, my friends’ kids who have restrictive diets placed on them all go crazy when at friends houses or at parties where the normally “forbidden” foods are. DS1 is 12 and so often had play dates here when I’m not home - the other day I came home and he and a friend were playing basketball in the driveway. This kid’s mom is super strict with healthy foods no treats etc. I found SIX fruit snack bags in the trash. DS1 hates fruit snacks, so it was all this kid. SIX! Also at this age they go to Starbucks and 7-11 etc after school and I see that some kids have zero moderation around sweets because they haven’t been taught to moderate. Not that this is a given - I get that it’s just anecdotes. But something to think about.

[expectantsteelerfan]

Yes, and for me, when I'm feeling like I need to let go of some things or our marriage won't survive, I try to think of the things that I WANT my way, but won't really harm anyone if they aren't done my way. Things like beds being made sloppily, clothes put away not in a season and color coordinated way, not rotating the towels when putting new ones out, the dishwasher, etc. I have reasons for doing all those things, and mostly it's because if I don't do them it makes life slightly more difficult for me, but I can let that go usually for the benefit of having someone else do stuff I usually do. But if my reason for wanting things my way is the health/wellbeing of my kids or something that would make my life unbearable, I either do it myself or explain that if it's not done my way, it's actually not helping.

[Mrs.flang]

May 15, 2019 13:21:01 GMT -5 devonpow said:

What’s the restrictive diet? What do you consider junk? Just as a personal anecdote, my friends’ kids who have restrictive diets placed on them all go crazy when at friends houses or at parties where the normally “forbidden” foods are. DS1 is 12 and so often had play dates here when I’m not home - the other day I came home and he and a friend were playing basketball in the driveway. This kid’s mom is super strict with healthy foods no treats etc. I found SIX fruit snack bags in the trash. DS1 hates fruit snacks, so it was all this kid. SIX! Also at this age they go to Starbucks and 7-11 etc after school and I see that some kids have zero moderation around sweets because they haven’t been taught to moderate. Not that this is a given - I get that it’s just anecdotes. But something to think about.

More anecdotes related to this - DH grew up in a household like you're describing with super strict restrictions on junk food and admits to being the same way as your kid's friend (going overboard when not at home).  So now, he purposefully does not want to be like that with DD.  IMO, he sometimes goes too far the opposite direction by buying special treats for dessert 1-2x a week.  DD sometimes seems to expect it which takes the special-ness away and with her pickiness to begin with at her age, I worry about her getting the right nutritional balance.   It's such a fine line!

[jeaniebueller]

rooster222, I don't know how old your kids are but part of parenting as they get older is realizing that you will not be able to control what they eat at all times (eg at sleepovers, their friend's houses, birthday parties, etc.) You also want to ensure that they are able to establish their own tastes and are confident enough to know how to feed themselves without you telling them what to eat. Sometimes this will mean compromising and looking at the big picture instead of the snapshot this exact meal. I don't know the examples of the meals you make or the kinds of situations that cause you concern but if you are being so restrictive that your H can't be trusted to feed your kids without it causing you extreme stress and anxiety, I think you should talk to a professional. It sounds like you have valid reasons for being concerned about their diets but it shouldn't be a major cause of turmoil in your family. Do you include your H or the kids in meal planning or shopping? Do the kids ever get to pick what they want to eat?

[redpenmama]

Yes, I'm controlling, and yes, I've always thought my anxiety contributes to it. I'm really rigid with schedules and struggle with anything that goes off of the plan. So, I cannot be spontaneous and cannot even enjoy anything that's unexpected because it stresses me out. My H always encourages me to chill, but I have been telling him recently that it's not just something I can turn off. I'm definitely not controlling about everything, but I do have areas that I have trouble letting go of.

[ssmjlm]

I have to pick my battles and realize that if she's happy and healthy, that's the priority.

Clutter is a huge anxiety trigger for me and DH knows this. Sometimes I just have to walk away and either come back knowing the situation or DH will realize I'm freaking out and start organizing/cleaning. There are some things I just can't make "my way" like her playroom. If I can compartmentalize then it's easier for me.

My big thing is to recognize the trigger and my reaction and try and adjust. Surprises are another big one for me and can mess up my whole day in some cases. That is one I'm working on the most.

[pugz]

Restricting food just leads to overeating and bingeing. If you want them to have a healthy relationship with food you need a different approach. The research heavily supports this.

I have disordered eating issues that I don’t want to pass on to my kids so I am in therapy at a clinic that specializes in teaching intuitive eating.

I am type A and can be controlling. Some is anxiety, some is just my personality. Therapy helps!

[pugz]

This FB group is led by a dietician and she has excellent tips for helping your kids develop a healthy relationship with food. Combination if Satter’s division of responsibility and intuitive eating.

www.facebook.com/groups/joyfuleatingforyourfamily/?ref=share

[Aquatica]

May 15, 2019 15:43:38 GMT -5 redpenmama said:

Yes, I'm controlling, and yes, I've always thought my anxiety contributes to it. I'm really rigid with schedules and struggle with anything that goes off of the plan. So, I cannot be spontaneous and cannot even enjoy anything that's unexpected because it stresses me out. My H always encourages me to chill, but I have been telling him recently that it's not just something I can turn off. I'm definitely not controlling about everything, but I do have areas that I have trouble letting go of.

Liking in solidarity. I have the same issue too and struggle with things going off schedule. It's how I plan my day and manage my time and have DD on a schedule since that's what worked since she was a baby. I can't chill and last minute situations or plans makes me anxious.

[humpforfree]

May 15, 2019 16:52:44 GMT -5 pugz said:

This FB group is led by a dietician and she has excellent tips for helping your kids develop a healthy relationship with food. Combination if Satter’s division of responsibility and intuitive eating.

www.facebook.com/groups/joyfuleatingforyourfamily/?ref=share

I’ve been really enjoying this group!!

[loira]

May 15, 2019 10:42:16 GMT -5 raangoli said:

Yes and I absolutely see it as a result of my anxiety especially around food issues. BB takes forever to eat and eats very little at times. I try to remember the division of responsibilities that is so often referred to on this board as a reminder that she is also in control. It’s hard though.

The other thing I remind myself of is that she’s growing and when she’s hungry she will eat. I keep healthy snacks within her reach in the kitchen and ask her to at least try some of her food before moving on.

Once again I feel like we are twins. I still feel completely out of control if A doesn't eat a lot. Mostly she has a great appetite, but some evenings she doesn't eat much dinner and I can actually feel my blood pressure rising. I'm sure it's a holdover from when she was a teeny baby struggling to gain weight.

[raangoli]

May 15, 2019 22:18:36 GMT -5 loira said:

May 15, 2019 10:42:16 GMT -5 raangoli said:

Yes and I absolutely see it as a result of my anxiety especially around food issues. BB takes forever to eat and eats very little at times. I try to remember the division of responsibilities that is so often referred to on this board as a reminder that she is also in control. It’s hard though.

The other thing I remind myself of is that she’s growing and when she’s hungry she will eat. I keep healthy snacks within her reach in the kitchen and ask her to at least try some of her food before moving on.

Once again I feel like we are twins. I still feel completely out of control if A doesn't eat a lot. Mostly she has a great appetite, but some evenings she doesn't eat much dinner and I can actually feel my blood pressure rising. I'm sure it's a holdover from when she was a teeny baby struggling to gain weight.

I’m pretty sure that’s where my issues stem from as well. BB is consistently at the bottom of the weight and height charts (although she’s made some progress on height) but it worries me. But it’s in my nature to always find something to worry over.

[ellipses84]

Yes, but it’s driven by my type A perfectionist personality and makes me good at my job. In social situations I’m really laid back. At home, my need to control things definitely causes friction in my marriage and there was a component of anxiety attached to it when I had DS1. I wanted to be the perfect mom and healthy food was a big issue for me. DH deferred to me and definitely reacts poorly to my nagging, judgment or criticism if he didn’t do something the way I thought he should.

With DS2 I am way breezier and DH is a more active parent - first stepping up more with DS1 when DS2 was an infant and now he’s very involved with parenting both boys as much as I do (although I’m still default parent). I can’t really tell you why. Maybe I’m just older and more tired, or realized a lot of the stuff I was doing didn’t matter. We are a more harmonious household when I don’t micromanage what DH is doing.