I do agree that if you are going to stay home there are so many details to work through. You've been mulling this decision for awhile so I am sure you have thought of everything but still.
1. Whether you stay home or not, make sure you both have life insurance. 2. Make sure you and your DH are on the same page for what it means. For me, I am on board with the primary one that cooks dinner, taking care of all appointments for DD (and for awhile that was a lot), making sure finances stay in order, and everything school related. I am not okay with being the sole house keeper. We both live here and no. I dust and vacuum, DH cleans the bathrooms. The kitchen is wiped down daily by one of us. DD chips in, too. I put a lot on myself but not that. 3. Make sure you have a plan to get back into the workforce quickly if needed. I was in retail management before having DD and still have a ton of contacts. I purposely did not burn bridges and have kept up with people because you just never know. It would not be a perfect job and would the hours wouldn't be fun but it would be a decent income and health insurance if needed.
Truly as someone else said I will never regret my time home with DD. I never even saw myself as a mom and certainly not a SAHM but it's funny how life works out sometimes. I can't imagine our life being any other way.
I will chime in, while I don’t regret the 3.5 years spent home with my kids it 1000% impacted my career trajectory. Going back into the workforce I had to end up taking a 40% paycut from where I left the workforce and had a year of a terrible commute. I then was able to find a closer job with a tiny pay increase from the first and better hours, but the money is still well below what I made before. It is disheartening to me because my husband’s job changed and now we really do need me to be working financially and for insurance. I often think if only I had never left we would be in a much better situation now. But hindsight is 20/20 and there was no way to know we would go from being cushy financially to needing every $ and budgeting carefully. We are lucky that we do have savings from our better financial years so that we can make everything work right now.
Post by cheeseandcrackers on May 18, 2019 7:12:29 GMT -5
In the moment, sometimes I do. In the long run, I probably won't. It's definitely something that doesn't get as much appreciation as it should and it can be very hard.
I think people primarily regret it when life takes a tough turn. Like if their marriage implodes and either they want to leave but can’t or they’re dumped with no good way to earn a living, or their spouse dies without life insurance, or the family faces unexpected financial hardship and the money is desperately needed, or their spouse loses their job. Giving up your earning potential, possibly for life, is a risk.
I’m the kid of a SAHM whose husband left her for another woman, and the poverty and hardship we experienced as a result turned me off to it. My mother is still underemployed at age 60; her career never caught up. She has no real retirement savings.
If you go for it, get enough life insurance to protect yourself, and disability insurance, and so on.
I’m not trying to be a total Debbie Downer, you may very well decide it’s worth the risk. Just... y’know.
I agree with this. If might want to get a post-nuptial that spells out what your DH will have to give you if you divorce. And then make sure you all have disability and life insurance on him.
Beyond that, I would just evaluate how quitting affects your long-term financial goals and do a cost/benefit analysis. We never planned on an income from me, so anything I make now is extra -- although as my kids get older there are more expenses (which admittedly are largely a choice and not necessary).
There are hard days, but I know that those hard days are fewer and more far between than the hard days at my job. And that is coming from someone that loved her job and only quit because we wanted a second (never happened). I've thought a few times about trying to work PT, but as a scientific researcher those jobs basically don't exist.
I do find that now that DD is in school (1st) I want to do more so I've taken a bigger role in our animal rescue group and plan to volunteer even more next school year.
I do not plan to go back to work. It's easier on all of us and I feel ok with that decision. My view might be changed if I planned to return to work because I imagine it will impact salary and hire ability in the future.
Post by Shreddingbetty on May 18, 2019 11:04:09 GMT -5
I was completely SAHM for the first 6 months, then I went to work 3 mornings a week and that was perfect. I needed to keep up with my skills (I’m a PA) more than anything but it was nice to have adult interactions. I would have been fine not workin at all though I just got divorced and now I am working 24 hours a week. My kid will be 9 in a week. I still have my time to get my walk in before I pick her up. For me it was perfect. I am glad I worked some because it would’ve been very hard to get a job as a PA I’m sure after not doing it for 9 years. I guess that was always in the back of my mind....what if something happens and I need to make my own living? If you could get a job without too much trouble should something happen to where you would need to provide for yourself I would totally recommend just quitting. If a certain skill set is required it might be worth while to keep your hands in it very part time if that was an option. You never know what curveball life throws you, I certainly hadn’t expected getting divorced. And since I’m Dutch I’m always the practical thinker so hence my logic
Post by outnumbered on May 18, 2019 11:36:25 GMT -5
I do not regret leaving my job. I have a masters in Biochemistry and I worked in a lab. Looking back at I realize I chose science for the wrong reasons and I did not have the passion to advance in that career. When my first was born I left my job for 2 reasons. One, my husband works long hours and he travels. He has been out of the country the pas 2 weeks. Two, I was not happy in my career. I would have stayed if we needed the money, but fortunately we were able to make it work on one salary.
I now work at the pre-school my children attended. Currently, I am support staff. I took classes to get my Early Childhood Development Certification. Next year I will be taking over the two year old class. I really like my job. It is part time and allows me to pick up my kids from school and get them to all their activities.
Post by HoneySpider on May 18, 2019 11:56:40 GMT -5
Overall, no. Every so often I have a really tough day where I think "OMG I should go back to work" but I know realistically that's not my better option. I do WFH 2 PT jobs, so I struggle a bit with balancing everything and feeling like I don't have enough time to devote to everything. But I also know that if I went back to work FT, I'd be working to pay for daycare and that doesn't seem like a good trade off.
Post by SusanBAnthony on May 18, 2019 13:03:36 GMT -5
I'm glad I stayed home but also REALLY GLAD I'm back at work.
I think women way underestimate the chance that something will happen (death, divorce, whatever) that requires them to have an income. And for most people if you stay home for more than a few years you seriously limit your ability to get back in your career.
Sure most marriages are fine. But ~25% or something (I made that number up) end in divorce. Would you take 1 in 4 odds you need to go back to work? I wouldn't.
Post by SusanBAnthony on May 18, 2019 13:05:48 GMT -5
Also, people ways say their husbands work long hours and travel. Well guess what- those husbands should figure out how their own kids are going to be cared for in their absence- not toss the issue over for their wives to solve. When men choose that type of job, and also choose to have kids, but them expect home life to just magically carry on, they are perpetuating the status quo.
Also, people ways say their husbands work long hours and travel. Well guess what- those husbands should figure out how their own kids are going to be cared for in their absence- not toss the issue over for their wives to solve. When men choose that type of job, and also choose to have kids, but them expect home life to just magically carry on, they are perpetuating the status quo.
As someone who said that, this couldn’t be more wrong about my family. My H “expects” nothing. When we both worked, we made it work. WE made a 100% joint decision as to “ how their own kids are going to be cared for in their absence”...me. And while that may not be what others would choose, I’m far from the wife who is left to pick up the pieces. We see our marriage as a team, and this is how WE decided to make things work for OUR family. Nothing “magically carries on” and he’s extremely appreciative and acknowledges the extra work required on my part during those times. The bonus is that his longer (for us...considering his almost nonexistent commute, it’s not much more than a lot of people work) hours and occasional travel means that we can afford to live a very comfortable life (including a cleaning service). And we as a family can have a very good work/life balance with occasional imbalances for short periods of time. It’s a swap that I’m happy to make...and 99% of the time, I’m absolutely certain I have the better end of the deal in our marriage.
I definitely have SAHM friends whose Hs fit your description, but I have more who are more like my family.
Also, people ways say their husbands work long hours and travel. Well guess what- those husbands should figure out how their own kids are going to be cared for in their absence- not toss the issue over for their wives to solve. When men choose that type of job, and also choose to have kids, but them expect home life to just magically carry on, they are perpetuating the status quo.
My husband works long hours and travels. He does not toss the issue over for me to solve. We look at our calendar every month and figure out child care, car pooling, and events he cannot miss. He is at our son's ballgame right now and will be camping with our other son next weekend. I stay home and it was a decision we made together. My presence at home makes our life a lot less stressful. I am really happy. My family is really happy.
ETA: Just wanted to add that I do work part time. I also love that my hours allow me to volunteer in the community. I am town meeting member (an elected position represeningt my precinct), I work at the food pantry, I am the treasurer of our elementary school PTO, and I worked with a group of people to lobby for changing the school budget.
It's hard to tell from you post if you actually want to be a SAHM or if you just dislike your job.
If you generally enjoy your work and just hate this specific job, I'd just look for a new job.
Maybe take a long break if you are burnt out and can afford it but I'd go back if you like your work.
This was my takeaway from the OP as well. I was never a FT SAHM but I did go part-time for a year, working from home, to kind of see how I felt about it. While I acknowledge that PT offers the best AND worst of both worlds — so it’s not an apples to apples comparison — scaling back reaffirmed my commitment to wanting to be in the workforce. So now I’m back to FT.
The grass is always greener when you hate your job. But what if you didn’t hate your job?
I'm not a SAHM, and I know this isn't the question you asked, but you say your current role is cushy, but also soul sucking. Even though it seems like a job shouldn't be both at once, I get how that can happen (mine often feels that way too). I'm guessing it also means you are valued where you are, and may have some ability to negotiate for the job to become less soul sucking. If you think that might be possible, it could be a middle road worth pursuing, rather than quitting. I know for me it helps to sometimes take a step back and remind myself I don't NEED to be there, and take some time to prioritize the aspects of my job that make me WANT to be there.
This, along with what goldengirlz wrote, is great advice. Do you want to change your lifestyle (not sure how else to categorize SAH vs. WFT) or do you want to change your job? I think if you want to SAH because that is what is calling you then you should - and wonderfully, there are “go back-ems” if you decide that it’s not for you after all. But if it’s the job that’s really getting you down then explore changing that first. I had my own CTJ with my H last year about how I was just over the whole “mommy tracked” thing at work, showing up but never getting anywhere. After some soul searching I took the opposite tack and went back to grad school so I can advance. I don’t even consider myself to be career-focused lol. But man, I feel so much better.
I don’t want to sound like “my way is the best way,” just really ask yourself what you’re after so you can move forward with no regrets either way.
I'm glad I stayed home but also REALLY GLAD I'm back at work.
I think women way underestimate the chance that something will happen (death, divorce, whatever) that requires them to have an income. And for most people if you stay home for more than a few years you seriously limit your ability to get back in your career.
Sure most marriages are fine. But ~25% or something (I made that number up) end in divorce. Would you take 1 in 4 odds you need to go back to work? I wouldn't.
My counselor told me it is like 2/3 marriages end in divorce
Post by minniemouse on May 18, 2019 19:59:45 GMT -5
Not a SAHM but I know how you feel (which is why I read this thread). I feel the same about my job, and often daydream about how much easier life would be if I could put all my attention to the kids and house now that my girls are older. I wasn’t interested in staying home with a baby or toddler but am now because we are sooooo much busier in the evenings and weekends. Plus, big kids are so much fun. Unfortunately, if I quit my job we would have to give up all the extras and none of us are willing to do that. We like our vacations, shopping, going out to eat, home improvement projects and being generous with gifts. Most of that would be cut if I quit, so I keep on (and periodically look for a new job). Could you ask for an unpaid leave of absence for the summer? If not, could you quit and take some time off before looking for a new job? As long as you don’t burn bridges, do you think you company would take you back if you applied in the future?
I don’t think a parent needs to feel “called” to SAH in order for it to be the right choice. Yah it’s easiest when it’s a clear cut decision, but it’s not always that obvious. A person doesn’t need to be called to WFT in order for that to be the best choice either. You just have to weigh the pros/cons and decide for yourself. I also think there’s a difference between SAH for 1-2y (maybe 3) and SAH indefinitely. I absolutely agree that SAH long term is risky. But staying out a few years is unlikely to ruin someone’s future job prospects.
Post by Velar Fricative on May 18, 2019 20:21:12 GMT -5
I do not belong in this thread but I will chime in that I feel like the OP has been thinking about this for a long time soooo I think she should give SAH a shot. Financially, she said the family can handle it. And if she hates her job so much, she probably wouldn’t be trying to get back into this field if she SAH and then decides it’s not for her. So I feel like SAH would not harm a future career trajectory and opportunities may actually abound after some time away from the current job if networking continues and new opportunities arise through new undertakings (PTA, volunteering, etc.).
Post by countthestars on May 18, 2019 21:11:20 GMT -5
Sorry for the post and run! I’m back. My kids are 5 and 3. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to do this job (i have been at this job for 11 years and at best it’s been “ok”). The background (PDQ) is that I make a lot for the area I live in. I started in this role in a higher COL and moved to WFH in a small town with very few job opportunities at this pay level 8 years ago. I’m client facing so while I have tried to cut back, it’s hard. I have been working four days per week since having DD but I am always answering emails on Fridays and I work after the kids go down half of nights or more. Doing something I don’t want to do. I don’t have anything else in mind that I would want to do though, and I certainly don’t want to “start over” right now in a new career, adding in a fifth work day and a commute. Right now I get DD off the bus and I can flex around our family’s needs. Nothing else would compare - hence the cushy but sole sucking.
Anyway, H and I chatted and I’m going to step back a bit from work (push back more at work, see if there is another role at company that isn’t client facing) and then potentially quit. We have very healthy savings. We will be fine on H’s income.
Not a SAHM but I know how you feel (which is why I read this thread). I feel the same about my job, and often daydream about how much easier life would be if I could put all my attention to the kids and house now that my girls are older. I wasn’t interested in staying home with a baby or toddler but am now because we are sooooo much busier in the evenings and weekends. Plus, big kids are so much fun. Unfortunately, if I quit my job we would have to give up all the extras and none of us are willing to do that. We like our vacations, shopping, going out to eat, home improvement projects and being generous with gifts. Most of that would be cut if I quit, so I keep on (and periodically look for a new job). Could you ask for an unpaid leave of absence for the summer? If not, could you quit and take some time off before looking for a new job? As long as you don’t burn bridges, do you think you company would take you back if you applied in the future?
I think they would, but I don’t think I’d ever want to go back to this role. It’s just not my passion or calling.
I do not belong in this thread but I will chime in that I feel like the OP has been thinking about this for a long time soooo I think she should give SAH a shot. Financially, she said the family can handle it. And if she hates her job so much, she probably wouldn’t be trying to get back into this field if she SAH and then decides it’s not for her. So I feel like SAH would not harm a future career trajectory and opportunities may actually abound after some time away from the current job if networking continues and new opportunities arise through new undertakings (PTA, volunteering, etc.).
Basically all of this - she knows me better than I know me.
For the summer, I negotiated a more reduced schedule (26 hrs vs my current 35) and then my boss went to HR, who was like “well everyone here works more hours than they are paid for so let’s continue to pay her for 35 hours and you guys can work her schedule however it’s best for you”. Which at first glance sounds AMAZING but I’m 95% sure that means I’ll just be working my normal 35 with an excuse for my boss that I’m getting paid for it.
My husband’s long hours and frequent travel (tomorrow starts week 3 of 6 consecutive weeks— on the best of weeks he’s home and working “only” 65 hours) are big reasons I was interested ultimately in returning to work.
When he’s home, we have a great rhythm. When he’s gone, being a SAHM with an infant can be quite isolating. And TBH my son can stand to spend more time with someone other than his mother now that he’s getting older. I would likely feel different about this if we had any local family, but our world cannot just be the two of us forever. And if I waited until he ages into school, I’m nervous I wouldn’t have a career to return to.
Eight years in and despite really enjoying my old career, no, I do not regret the decision to stay at home. We’re in the position that if anything happened, financially I would be covered for a long time, but I would also not hesitate to go back to work if I had to. I’ve been able to be there for practically everything for my kids so far, and that’s been great. I think so often of how my own mother died only seven years shy of my current age, and since we can afford it, I will never regret spending the time with my kids. At this point, I also do a lot of volunteering, across five and soon to be six areas. I am busy and connected and very engaged in my community, so I do not feel isolated or like I have focus only on my little family. It’s been a great move for me/us.
At first, I did. I am a very career driven person and didn’t realize how closely my self worth and self esteem were tied to my professional success. After about 3 years of SAH and volunteering I decided to go back to work PT.
My job is low stress, minimal hours and from home so I can get a dose of work success without the guilt I had working FT. I find it to be the perfect balance for me.
Sorry for the post and run! I’m back. My kids are 5 and 3. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to do this job (i have been at this job for 11 years and at best it’s been “ok”). The background (PDQ) is that I make a lot for the area I live in. I started in this role in a higher COL and moved to WFH in a small town with very few job opportunities at this pay level 8 years ago. I’m client facing so while I have tried to cut back, it’s hard. I have been working four days per week since having DD but I am always answering emails on Fridays and I work after the kids go down half of nights or more. Doing something I don’t want to do. I don’t have anything else in mind that I would want to do though, and I certainly don’t want to “start over” right now in a new career, adding in a fifth work day and a commute. Right now I get DD off the bus and I can flex around our family’s needs. Nothing else would compare - hence the cushy but sole sucking.
Anyway, H and I chatted and I’m going to step back a bit from work (push back more at work, see if there is another role at company that isn’t client facing) and then potentially quit. We have very healthy savings. We will be fine on H’s income.
I get that. My H has the “golden handcuffs” at his current job. I think negotiating for a better situation is a great first step, and if they can’t accommodate what would make you happy (or ultimately, no amount of working would make you happy), then step away. Knowing that SAH has been scratching at the back of your brain for a while makes me think you probably won’t have any regrets.
Also, people ways say their husbands work long hours and travel. Well guess what- those husbands should figure out how their own kids are going to be cared for in their absence- not toss the issue over for their wives to solve. When men choose that type of job, and also choose to have kids, but them expect home life to just magically carry on, they are perpetuating the status quo.
As someone who said that, this couldn’t be more wrong about my family. My H “expects” nothing. When we both worked, we made it work. WE made a 100% joint decision as to “ how their own kids are going to be cared for in their absence”...me. And while that may not be what others would choose, I’m far from the wife who is left to pick up the pieces. We see our marriage as a team, and this is how WE decided to make things work for OUR family. Nothing “magically carries on” and he’s extremely appreciative and acknowledges the extra work required on my part during those times. The bonus is that his longer (for us...considering his almost nonexistent commute, it’s not much more than a lot of people work) hours and occasional travel means that we can afford to live a very comfortable life (including a cleaning service). And we as a family can have a very good work/life balance with occasional imbalances for short periods of time. It’s a swap that I’m happy to make...and 99% of the time, I’m absolutely certain I have the better end of the deal in our marriage.
I definitely have SAHM friends whose Hs fit your description, but I have more who are more like my family.
Thank you for saying this! I don't think it's as cut and dried as "everyone should work full time and split childcare and housework 50/50". Especially not in today's work environment. It's great if that's what both partners want and they can make that happen but not everyone wants that situation for various reasons and that's fine too, at least imho. As long as both partners are on board with what they're doing and why. It's a really complicated situation to talk about, especially on message boards. It's pretty easy to make pronouncements about how things "should" work in the abstract but people's actual real life circumstances rarely fit how we theorize things should work in a vacuum.
I never regret it, but many days are harder than when I worked. I used to WFH most days, with full-time childcare outside of the home. I miss those days at home by myself, because my job often had slow times so I actually had a lot of downtime to cook, clean, work out at home, and things like that. My days are way more chaotic now. But, I didn't like my job and it was rather soul sucking in some ways. I couldn't handle the mental load of work and parenting. I'm thankful to have this time home with DS and wouldn't trade it.
I do not belong in this thread but I will chime in that I feel like the OP has been thinking about this for a long time soooo I think she should give SAH a shot. Financially, she said the family can handle it. And if she hates her job so much, she probably wouldn’t be trying to get back into this field if she SAH and then decides it’s not for her. So I feel like SAH would not harm a future career trajectory and opportunities may actually abound after some time away from the current job if networking continues and new opportunities arise through new undertakings (PTA, volunteering, etc.).
Basically all of this - she knows me better than I know me.
For the summer, I negotiated a more reduced schedule (26 hrs vs my current 35) and then my boss went to HR, who was like “well everyone here works more hours than they are paid for so let’s continue to pay her for 35 hours and you guys can work her schedule however it’s best for you”. Which at first glance sounds AMAZING but I’m 95% sure that means I’ll just be working my normal 35 with an excuse for my boss that I’m getting paid for it.
That sounds really shitty, like your boss seems to be reneging on the 26 hours you previously agreed it. I work part time and it's a seriously hard boundary to hold under the best of circomstances.