DD thinks she's fat

[nicolewi]

Help. My 10 year old DD has some anxiety and goes to a counselor every couple weeks. Lately, she has started to focus on saying she's "fat," which completely scares me. This is mostly when she's generally anxious at night, so it's an undercurrent thing that she brings up when she's feeling off, but it still scares me.

She is a healthy weight and plays softball, soccer, and does gymnastics this spring. She seems to just have a more short, stockier-type build, so she's not super thin like some of her friends, but she's healthy and active. She says she wishes she had her friend's body (friend is one of those girls built like a noodle at 10 years old), or her little sister's body (little sis is built differently and is also 4 years younger!). She wishes she were "skinny like them." She said she thinks she looks fat in her leotard compared to the other girls at gymnastics.

I am already doing all the "right" things. I don't talk about weight, or my weight. We eat a healthy variety of foods. I tell her her body is amazing and strong and beautiful and that she should be kind to it. I feel panicky b/c I don't know what else I can do. I'm definitely bringing it up with her counselor but we don't go for a couple weeks. 

Tonight she said she wanted to weigh herself "again" (I didn't know she was weighing herself) and is going to stop eating desserts (I don't really think she is going to stop, but I don't want her to. I'm a strong believer in everything in moderation and don't want to see a 10 year old limiting food). 

Any advice? 

[madringal]

I would totally validate that it’s normal for girls to feel like that. Try not to discount that although she isn’t fat, she might feel like she is. Ask her who her favorite female athletes are and get her some posters (do kids still hang up posters?) in her room. I’d imagine most professional soccer, tennis and softball players don’t have the bodies she’s saying she wants. I wouldn’t even talk about their bodies. But maybe surrounding her with images of strong women will help reinforce that not everyone has a long, thin frame.

[Shreddingbetty]

Seems like a lot of gymnasts are not super skinny because they need to be strong, Serena Williams is a « big » girl because she is all muscle and in awesome shape and no doubt eats healthy. Her sister is built completely different and is taller and very lean. Everyone has different body builts. Plus at 10 her body may be starting to change and develop and that often comes with filling out. And maybe she is ahead of the game compared to some of her friends. It sounds like you are doing everything right already. Maybe ask her why she thinks that she is fat and re emphasize that she is active and eats healthy. Skinny doesn’t necessarily equal healthy. I think I would probably talk to her about how people have different body types (like Serena and Venus Williams who are both super athletes) and some people will be bean poles and others are more curvy but as long as she eats healthy (and like you said in moderation because restrictive eating isn’t good especially at that age) and is active that is what is most important and you cannot change your body type. I remember having a girl in my class when I was about 14 and she was super skinny and she açtually wished she could be bigger and have more of a body shape, be use she totally was a bean pole.
It is sad how so many kids already worry about it at this age. My kid is almost 9 and her friend often complains that she is fat she has skinny legs and a little bit of a belly but is active and eats mostly healthy and has a completely normal weight. And she even asked her mom if she was jealous of me and our other friend because we are thinner then she is. She feels guilty for sometimes thinking that celebrities are prettier than her mom (to which her mom replied that that was fine and after all celebrities have make up artist and people to do their hairy) I just think it is so sad that these are the things they worry about already.

[lolo]

www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2018/10/01/well/family/confidence-gap-teen-girls-tips-parents.amp.html

Eta: This was also useful: www.amightygirl.com/blog?p=23026&fbclid=IwAR0UTspcXd_I9UewomVCxT9nlIU0fMPUy0VG1QeIA_rE4NxWRhOvtBFeaDI

[Deleted]

I’ll ditto lolos links.

I think it’s important that we don’t necessarily address with our daughters that they’re not fat, because it shouldn’t matter if they are or aren’t if that makes sense. I want them all to love themselves even if they are “fat” by some standard we use. So discuss the cool things are body can do, how being different isn’t bad, how food provides energy for our body, and provide diverse body role models.

[pugz]

This books is on my to read list about this subject:
www.amazon.com/gp/product/1682613542/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0