WWYD - Help me brainstorm childcare options

[twinmomma]

The situation: We have 50/50 custody in theory. I have two nights a week, ExH has two nights a week, we alternate weekends. This has evolved into me picking up the kids every day from after care/summer camp and ExH not getting them from my house until 7 PM on his days due to his job. I get out of work around 4 (in theory). 

I will now be taking on a huge project that is absolutely going to require extra hours on my part. It will set me up for a great promotion. In a perfect world, I'd get to stay late on the days that ExH has the kids, giving me 2-3 days a week to crank out whatever extra time I need. But, that's not possible now because I am responsible for all pick ups, every day. Working from home at night is a possibility, but not ideal, since I only have a small laptop and no office set up at all. I do a lot of work where two monitors is a game changer for efficiency. 

Kids could just stay at after care later. In the summer, they can stay as late as 6. During the school year, they can stay as late as 7. But that means that on some days, they will be there from around 7 AM to 6 or 7 PM. That seems like a really terrible situation to put them in and I have a lot of guilt around it. Especially knowing that in theory I should be able to get out of work around 4. I don't want to subject my kids to that unless absolutely necessary. Even if they stay there til 7 PM and ExH is responsible for pick ups on his days, if he gets caught in any traffic, I'd probably have to be on stand by to go get them so we don't get charged crazy fees and kicked out for late pick ups. It's not a reliable option, in my opinion. 

I have to just accept that his job situation is likely not changing any time soon. He has no strong intention of changing it and has never cared about stuff like that in the past, so it won't change now. 

So, help me brainstorm what the heck I can do to make this work better. I am stalling out in my sheer anger at ExH and not able to brainstorm good solutions right now. 

[waverly]

You are providing care 5 days a week not 2, so somehow the documentation should be changed to reflect that.

I would look for an after school nanny. Kids take bus home to your house, nanny gets them off the bus and stays from 3-7pm so 20 hours a week. Maybe a full time nanny for the summer.

[k3am]

HIS PROBLEM IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Don't tackle this for him. If he can't handle the current custody agreement, it needs to change. You don't need to bend over backwards to make it work for him.

Handle your two days a week, whether it's a couple nights that they stay late at aftercare or you work from home, either one is doable for two nights. But it's not your job to solve this problem for him for his days.

As a side note, my kids get to school by 6:45am (DD) and 7am (DS) and are there until whenever I manage to get them. Some days that's 4:30(DS)/4:45(DD), sometimes that's right before close. Neither one has EVER complained. Mostly, DD complains because I pick her up too early. I don't think I need to feel guilty about it.

[mustardseed2007]

I'm very angry at your EX on your behalf so oddly this is hard for me to write also. How are you paying for child care now? Are you splitting the cost at all?

I'm asking because my mind instantly asks if a nanny is on the table? If you had a nanny, then they could do pick ups from school or activities and/or during the summer be with the kids in your home until you or your EX can be there.

The other thing is to draw a line in the sand and say to your EX - I will continue picking the kids up from day care on my days, but I can no longer pick them up on your days because of changes to my job. So EX, you need to find a solution like having your mom help or whatever.
Then release that to the Lord and let him figure it out...

[mustardseed2007]

And obviously the custody agreement needs to change but I think you know that and I also know you're trying not to IMMEDIATELY do that since you JUST got one in place, which is why I don't mention that.

Sorry.

[hocus2]

Setting aside the custody issues if you need a short term solution I would inquire with another family if they could pick up for your 2 days a week for 3-4 weeks. Or I would inquire with a college or high school student if they could pick up. If they don't drive you could pay for an uber home.

Another option might be for your ex to help you in the mornings so you can get in early 2 days.

[twinmomma]

I pay for all child related expenses. The only kid expense we split is summer care. This was the deal we made so that I avoid paying alimony and support. It does work out in my favor that way, but also means a nanny would be much larger expense for me to take on.

k3am, I'm trying so hard to not make it my problem, but the mom guilt is SO STRONG. I don't want them in a crappy situation half the time just because their dad sucks.

[supertrooper1]

I would buy monitors and work from home.

[2chatter]

So, first, set the guilt aside totally. Do your best to just decide to do that. Nothing you describe is unusual and none of it should make you feel bad. You can totally do this and have healthy well adjusted kids!

The sanity maker for me is an after school sitter instead of center based care. He was set until 4:45 this year, and I often continued to work after he left. I sometimes extended him. Here some high school kids have early release so that is my pool of applicants. He does homework and play dates so it’s pretty awesome for the kids. When there are six kids playing here I am so glad to work full time and have a sitter!

I do a ton of design work as well as really complex tracking. On a laptop. I just got used to it. Or buy a second monitor. Before promotion the girls got used to me working allll the time. Literally at the dinner table. It’s fine. Really. Even now I frequently finish work and then go back to it for a few hours that evening.

And my custody agreement FWIW is standard possession. He sees them every other Sunday so the rest is me. This is the best and most predictable things have been. He used to pick them up from DC occasionally but I could never plan work on it. Be happy that you have control of all five work day afternoons as there is nothing worse than the dreaded phone call when I planned to work late “I know you said Dad would be here at 4 but it’s 4:30 so we just wanted to let you know so you have time to get here before we close at 6:30”. Silver lining! Embrace the upside.

[dragon's breath]

The situation sucks, but, as a previous poster mentioned, is it possible to go in early on the mornings the Ex has them, instead of staying late? I suggest this even though I'm not a morning person at all (I have had to drop my son off at 4:30 am and pick him up at 6 pm in the past, in order to cover my hours and commute, but did what I had to do).

This would help you avoid paying for extra care on his days, and you wouldn't have the kids in care longer than normal if it really bothers you (but, seriously, try to overcome the guilt of long days, especially if the kids enjoy the after school care).

[rere]

I totally understand the mom guilt, because I am the worst. I used to make myself crazy trying cut down on time in care; my husband could have cared less. This is just what I would do to mollify the guilt some; I would try to find in home care if that is feasible or have a family member/friend pick them up.


Disclaimer - this totally isn't your problem it is his and he should step up and correct the situation; however I am sure it wont happen. Plus them being in aftercare until 6 probably hurts you more than it hurts them, they will be OK.

[sdlaura]

I agree with 2chatter that you should buy a second monitor for home. I set up a small office area in a closet when I had my third kid and now have a real desk with two screens. It's really nice to always have it on and ready to go rather than having to boot up a laptop on the coffee table. Given the ages of your kids and the fact that they're old enough to not need minute to minute supervision, I would probably pick them up at 4 and then have them play or relax while I do more work from home on DH's days.

Do I recall that your MIL is local? Could she pick the girls up on ExH's days?

[186momx]

I third a second monitor at home even if that means the kitchen table is your office for the summer and you eat outside for meals. On your days strive to pick the girls up by your normal time frame. On EXs days have them stay until 6 and do a crock pot meal and work later. I know EX should fix this but I also get he won't because you will bail him out like always and you really don't want MIL or girlfriend covering for him. This way the girls can complain to dad on why they have to stay so late on his days and more ammo for the lawyer..

[sandandsea]

I would make ex do his part or get the documents adjusted to reflect reality. Also buy a second monitor for home. It’s a game changer and worth the small expense to make it more convenient for yourself. I have 2 monitors at home and it’s a necessity.

[2chatter]

I really think the biggest challenge in these things is not viewing them through the lens of which parent is responsible. The kids have one life. You do everything based on what’s best for the kids and don’t even think about whose time it is. That focus will get you out of a place of resentment to a place of just living life. I didn’t get it until I had such an imbalance, and to this day it makes me super frustrated when DH or friends tell me to put it on exh. THAT - the inability to rely on him - is why I’m divorced! I’d be doing myself a giant disservice to still live trapped in a prison of his creation. If I just look at the kids things are so much better for all of us. I say that with love y’all. But that’s my truth.

[twinmomma]

Thank you all for the reassurance on staying late at after care. This will be the first time that's really been a consistent thing, we've been spoiled. MIL doesn't want to help on a regular basis. She's just as mad at him and doesn't want to bail him out too often, which I get. If I don't pick them up, his solution will likely be GF and I'm just not ready to be ok with that yet. It's a sucky situation, but you guys are making me feel better about it.

[twinmomma]

Oh, and I already get to the office between 7 and 7:30, so earlier probably isn't feasible.

[librarychica]

May 31, 2019 17:05:28 GMT -5 twinmomma said:

Thank you all for the reassurance on staying late at after care. This will be the first time that's really been a consistent thing, we've been spoiled. MIL doesn't want to help on a regular basis. She's just as mad at him and doesn't want to bail him out too often, which I get. If I don't pick them up, his solution will likely be GF and I'm just not ready to be ok with that yet. It's a sucky situation, but you guys are making me feel better about it.

It will be okay. I think a lot of us (me included) are mad at your exH and want him to deal but I would probably do the same, at least short term, to keep stability. I will say that we had a year where I was tire-screeching into the parking lot right at close many nights and we had come from a situation where the girls were never in care past 5ish. My oldest whined a lot, my youngest is the “get mad if I get there too early” type and was unphased and I’m hindsight everyone was fine. Your girls will be fine too.

[k3am]

I am not divorced or dealing with a co-parenting situation, so obviously take anything I say with that knowledge upfront. But let go of the guilt. As much as you want to be, you are not super woman and you can't add more hours to the day or make up for an XH who isn't pulling his fair share. You do your best, and that's all you can do.

Your situation isn't working for you. Do what you have to do make it work in the short-term. But start taking steps to fix what you can to make it work better in the long-term. What that looks like? No idea, unfortunately.

[mommyatty]

I get that you can’t control him and you don’t want his GF around your kids. So that’s out. Plus, continuing to tango with him isn’t healthy, so just control what you can and continue documenting the hell out of everything so you can change the arrangement after the summer when your lawyer says your case will be stronger.

I’m a great believer in doing all you can to set yourself up to work at home in the evenings. So ask your folks at work if there are extra monitors and docking stations you can take home. My company, which doesn’t support WFH at all would likely agree to your doing that. Or get your own if you can. Then you can have a break, eat dinner, have some down time with your girls, and then work a couple of hours at night. I do that after my kids are in bed, and it’s amazing what problems my subconscious solves during the time I’m letting my brain have a break.

[xctsclrx]

I would set up a home office. We have one. I have 3 monitors and a docking station. Game changer.

Sorry about that sucky co parenting situation

[AdaraMarie]

My ex is not great. I try to take the philosophy that his problem is not my problem, but it's hard to stick to.
Because he works early and I work later my kids have had long daycare days for several years and it hasn't been a problem for them (he tends to drop off before 7am and I almost always pick up right at closing at 6pm). But that also means that some days are pretty short where I drop the off right when school starts and he picks them up around 4.
It sounds like a babysitter would be a good bridge option, or you might be able to have them go home with a friend, but it would be hard to do that over dinnertime.

[mae0111]

First of all, I’m sorry that all of this is happening.

I agree with others about setting yourself up at home. I have a dual monitor set-up and it was amazing when I was working FT and at home 2x per week. (“Dual Monitor” for me is my giant laptop screen and a second monitor that plugs into my laptop).Now that I’m consulting, I still use it all the time.

Since your company just gave you this new project, you could probably approach them about a reimbursement, or even ask if they have any old monitors that no one is using. My old company was huge, but they would routinely dole that stuff out under the guise of a loan, and not really care if they got it back.

With the kids, I would hire an after-school sitter. If you have the $$ for it, the sitter can also get them to different sports and activities. We always had a FT nanny when I worked. When the kids were in school (DD2 was part-time then), she would clean my house. I had a weekly cleaner for bathrooms, etc, but our nanny would do things like organize drawers and closets, pick up toys, run errands for me. And since she was full-time, I never had to worry about 1/2 days, mild sick days, holidays when schools were closed but stock market was open, and vacations.

A sitter might be more $$, but if you build some extras into the job description, a good sitter might save your sanity.

[waverly]

I don’t know what you are paying for camp but it’s around $400-$500 a week here, so I think you could get a college student for that price, of course my kids love camp so we just do the aftercare. Lots of kids are in care for 11 hours a day and do fine. It’s probably harder on the parents to get dinner and bedtime in there. With kids getting older this is also easier since they aren’t melting down for dinner and bedtime like they did when they were 2.

We will be at $170 a week for aftercare so an aftercare nanny might be a bit higher but you could probably get a high schooler or something for $250 a week or do a combo of aftercare and babysitter. Our neighbor does school plus I’m home daycare for aftercare.

Lots of moms also do split shifts work from 7:30-5 pick up kids then work again from 8-9 at night with your home office. Another monitor is not a huge expense. You could ask that VPN be set up or use something like MyPC or Log Me In to remote in if allowed by your IT.

If you have a home office you can also fit in a couple of hours of work on Sat and/or Sun. Prices are for 2 kids since I also have 2.

[k3am]

... it took me until today to realize that all your comments regarding monitors weren’t about baby monitors. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Due to system issues, I can’t run two monitors at home.. DH happens to have an ultra wide monitor that I can use that serves the same purpose though. Highly recommend one or the other.

[mellym]

Try to let go of the guilt. Who is telling you that the kids should be picked up by 4pm? Most of the time it's our own internal feelings and has nothing to do with how the kids actually feel about it. Our kids are in camp/school/after care from 7pm to 5 or 5:30 every day. They usually don't want to leave when I get there either.

If you and your kids feel good about the care and activities in after care, I wouldn't change anything about your childcare situation.