How would you reply? bridesmaid related

[shortstax]

I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding. Bride's aunt is throwing shower. I emailed aunt offering my help in any way needed.

Aunt emails me and another BM if we could mind taking charge of the "decorations" for shower. No prob, we both said we'd be happy to.

After 16 (yes, 16) emails back and forth other BM and I have found a time to meet to pick up supplies/decor (and one time of her cancelling on me the day of our 1st scheduled time.)

She just emailed me that she's excited to pick out decor, but added "Just so you're prepared, I don't think I can contribute any money to this."

I have no prior relationship with this BM. Is it bad that I have no desire to do a "shopping trip" with a random who's not going to help financially? I'd rather do it all myself.

Am I being a brat? Suggestions on how to reply?

[Deleted]

So she'd be along to help you spend your money? nice. I would suddenly not be able to go at the agreed upon time and go by myself later.

[SusanBAnthony]

May 18, 2012 12:02:01 GMT -5 @msstarry said:

No you are not being a brat. This is stupid.

I would just write something like "I actually had something come up at (whatever time you agreed upon). It's probably easiest for me just to pick things out since we are both so busy."

Ditto. "cancel" on her, and do it yourself. What a witch for not telling you until now that she is just a shopping buddy, not an actual contributor.

[downtoearth]

I'd probably just send her an e-mail back that says, "Oh, I don't mind paying, but unless you really want to meet-up, let's just come up with some ideas/theme via e-mail and I can order some stuff from cheaper party places online. What were you thinking for decorations?" I wouldn't be offended to get an e-mail like that.

Maybe then you can at least pick up a few small things local and then if you want order more from online places like Oriental Trading Company, where it's cheaper if you're paying yourself.

[luvmagoldn]

I would be ok with it. She wants to do some leg work which is good. And you could put her to work assembling things or making things so that she contributes time instead of money.

It's not like she volunteered then said she couldn't pay. She was asked to help and I assume that means she will help in ways she is able.

[jenny1223]

May 18, 2012 12:02:01 GMT -5 @msstarry said:

No you are not being a brat. This is stupid.

I would just write something like "I actually had something come up at (whatever time you agreed upon). It's probably easiest for me just to pick things out since we are both so busy."

Yeah, I'd do this. Other BM sucks.

[spiderspray]

"I completely understand that you can't pitch in for this. Thanks for giving me the heads up. I'll let you know what I come up with for decor. Can't wait to see/ meet you at the shower!"

Seriously fucking odd that she wants to shop with you but won't be pitching in. I would feel like such an ass doing something like that. Especially since her presence has, up until now, only made this more difficult for you.

I vote tell her to bite you and you'll see her at the shower.

[raangoli]

You're not being a brat. I would have assumed that helping with the decorations also meant paying for them. How much could that possibly cost? And why did she wait so long to tell you? She doesn't think that she can contribute or that she just won't?

If you have no relationship with her prior and don't plan on maintaining one after this wedding, I'd probably say something along the lines of wishing she had told you sooner and that you're fine with going on your own.

[shortstax]

Yeah, I think I'll cancel and bounce a few ideas off her via email and then pick up the stuff myself. It's more of a chore of having to set this up and meeting when it's conveinent for her that annoys me most.

[Deleted]

May 18, 2012 11:59:29 GMT -5 shortstax said:

She just emailed me that she's excited to pick out decor, but added "Just so you're prepared, I don't think I can contribute any money to this."

I'd just reply, "Why not?"

LOL.

[Deleted]

May 18, 2012 12:10:37 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

May 18, 2012 11:59:29 GMT -5 shortstax said:

She just emailed me that she's excited to pick out decor, but added "Just so you're prepared, I don't think I can contribute any money to this."

I'd just reply, "Why not?"

LOL.

You should write back "Oh man I was just emailing you to say the same thing. Do you think she would like a pinata made of newspaper. We could get together Saturday to make it."

[shortstax]

May 18, 2012 12:10:37 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

May 18, 2012 11:59:29 GMT -5 shortstax said:

She just emailed me that she's excited to pick out decor, but added "Just so you're prepared, I don't think I can contribute any money to this."

I'd just reply, "Why not?"

LOL.

I need to start thinking WWMAD?

[Deleted]

You really shouldn't. LOL.

In all seriousness, you should do what booby or raangoli suggested.

[dr.girlfriend]

How about, "I can't make it after all, but I can stop by the store on my way home from work some time. Why don't we pick up a time to hand off the stuff, and you can be in charge of set-up at Auntie Mabel's house?"

If you're bankrolling, she should be on logistics.

[steph96]

At least she told you ahead of time. That could have been more awkward if it happened at the store.

I would just tell her that something came up and you can't make it that day, but you would enjoy if she still could help you set up decorations the day of the party.

[Deleted]

May 18, 2012 12:44:02 GMT -5 steph96 said:

At least she told you ahead of time. That could have been more awkward if it happened at the store.

Ahead of time?

No, this information would've been helpful before the 16 fucking e-mails.

This bitch sucks ass.

[SuziSaysDa]

I would reply with, I thought our duty as BM was to pay for this stuf , but if you feel differently then we need to go back to Aunt and see if she has a budget.

[sporky]

that sucks. i'd totally cancel too. she reminds me of the other BM at my BFF's wedding last year. she didn't want to do any planning for the shower until one week before the date and also didn't believe we should be spending over $50 (total) for a shower that had over 50 invitees.

[Deleted]

May 18, 2012 12:46:37 GMT -5 SuziSaysDa said:

I would reply with, I thought our duty as BM was to pay for this stuf , but if you feel differently then we need to go back to Aunt and see if she has a budget.

But really, it isn't a "duty". The duty is to show up at the wedding wearing the dress, and the rest is just gravy. I'd feel like an ass telling one of the other BMs in a wedding that they HAD TO pay for some of the stuff I volunteered to help with.

I'd also just say something came up and you'd love to get her ideas and then you'll take care of the shopping.

[futurepivko]

May 18, 2012 11:59:29 GMT -5 shortstax said:

I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding. Bride's aunt is throwing shower. I emailed aunt offering my help in any way needed.

Aunt emails me and another BM if we could mind taking charge of the "decorations" for shower. No prob, we both said we'd be happy to.

After 16 (yes, 16) emails back and forth other BM and I have found a time to meet to pick up supplies/decor (and one time of her cancelling on me the day of our 1st scheduled time.)

She just emailed me that she's excited to pick out decor, but added "Just so you're prepared, I don't think I can contribute any money to this."

I have no prior relationship with this BM. Is it bad that I have no desire to do a "shopping trip" with a random who's not going to help financially? I'd rather do it all myself.

Am I being a brat? Suggestions on how to reply?

What?! No. I would go back to the aunt maybe and find someone else to help? But I may be wrong on that.

[futurepivko]

May 18, 2012 12:04:00 GMT -5 jenny1223 said:

May 18, 2012 12:02:01 GMT -5 @msstarry said:

No you are not being a brat. This is stupid.

I would just write something like "I actually had something come up at (whatever time you agreed upon). It's probably easiest for me just to pick things out since we are both so busy."

Yeah, I'd do this. Other BM sucks.

Ah, yes, I agree.

[mbcdefg]

It was shitty of her not to mention this until after the assload of emails, but at least she let you know before you got to the cash register.

I would tell her it's easier for you to just order something online, but you would like her input and then you can try and incorporate some of her ideas. Then let her do the actual grunt work with the crafts. Like those Martha Stewart tissue paper pompoms or something.

[steph96]

May 18, 2012 13:44:38 GMT -5 mbcdefg said:

Then let her do the actual grunt work with the crafts. Like those Martha Stewart tissue paper pompoms or something.

HAHAHA the ultimate revenge. I think you will need about 75 of those......

[80sjunkie]

So what are you going to do?

[iamali]

I agree with booby's suggestion.

And even though it's shitty that she can't contribute, I think it's nice that she told you ahead of time.

[jennistarr1]

OMG, I don't know...one of my sister's BM did this to me...made all these decisions and then stepped aside to let me pay.

Honestly...while I think the easiest thing to do it just go yourself...I would say "oh, okay, thank you for letting me know up front so I can plan my budget accordingly. So I will take care of the decorations. Perhaps you would like to email Aunt Flo and ask if there is another way you can help with the shower that doesn't involve a monetary contribution."

basically some way of telling her that "if you are stepping away from paying you are stepping away from it completely"

[dexteroni]

That's really assy of her not to tell you during one of the 16 emails. Like email #1. Because of that, I think I would tempted to be far more direct. And far more bitchy. "Oh. Just so you know for the future, agreeing to handle the decor sort of implies that you will be chipping in as well. It's ok that you can't, but I wish you had let me know earlier. Let's scrap our meet up this week; I'll either go by myself or ask Aunt if there's someone else who can chip in. I don't want you to feel bad when we can't get a lot of stuff because we only have half the budget we originally thought we had. Can you at least help put them up? Please let me know asap rather than at the last minute so I don't have to scramble again. Thanks."

Of course if this person is someone you already know or would like to continue to know, in which case it's probably best to go with any of the far nicer suggestions above.

[Deleted]

I'm of the school of thought that if she isn't paying then she doesn't get to have input. That's the best way to avoid an uncomfortable situation where she suggests things that are out of your budget.

I would reply to her email and say something like, "I completely understand if you can't contribute. I'll just go ahead and pick up the supplies we need then and I will let you know if we need to do anything else" or something like that. I would want to indirectly let her know that if she isn't paying then she isn't going shopping.

[vanillacourage]

I agree with you buying the stuff and giving it to her to put together/set up. Unless you think that she'll flake and the stuff will disappear.

I wouldn't take her shopping with you - she seems like the type to get bossy about how much the bride would love the most expensive of the available options. If she's not paying then don't let her muddy the waters or create an awkward situation.