Help with Tricky Behavior

[mellym]

I need some perspective because I'm getting concerned about DD1. She has a severe food allergy, diagnosed when she was a baby. This means we can't go to many restaurants and she can't participate in any of the food or treats at parties, school, etc. We always bring her safe food. She is awesome about it and has never complained until this past year - I think it's getting harder with school and the kids there being more aware as she's getting older. Her complaints are off-hand remarks that she wants to get tested again, hates that she's this way, it's not fair, etc. Again, I'm talking about only hearing these things a handful of times in 7 years from her. She has also started communicating her nervousness about being around the food - asking her sister if she washed her hands, asking to change seats because someone's ice cream was too close at a restaurant, will there be anything for her to eat, etc.

That's the back story of her. My concern is more about her personality of being "tricky". We've heard this from all her teachers and we see more and more of it. Most of it revolves around food or something she is not supposed to have like gum or her iPod. Examples - we tell her repeatedly that she can't have gum or candy at school. We can't trust her so we check her backpack before she leaves and she will still somehow sneak it in walking out the door. Last week, she snuck her iPod to camp after we told her she couldn't have it and she said it wasn't in her backpack. She will sneak gum in the classroom or after care. I found her this weekend in the tree house with cotton candy after I told her no more treats for the day (Ohhh I thought you left Mom...). I've found her outside with a pan of brownies. We've found candy in her bed. She knows she isn't listening and it's wrong but still does it anyway and can't articulate why.

I've talked to her Ped and he said to give her more time because she's young and lacks impulse control. I guess I'm more concerned if this behavior is related to the food allergy and anxiety. Or is this normal behavior for a 7 year old to be testing boundaries and rules?  Anybody have any experience here?

[ECB]

What do you do when she does this stuff? And I’m not sure that i see a link to her allergies. I have a friend whose DD does this stuff too and i think it’s somewhat normal testing boundaries behavior.

[mellym]

We take the item away for x days and/or a consequence. We also talk about the rule and why it's important to follow it.

The reason I'm questioning if it has to do with her food allergy is because it's very common to have anxiety from it and these instances usually revolve around food.

[2chatter]

DD at 11 is still like this. The gifted teacher gave me a book about highly sensitive gifted students and the pediatrician told me she is a very head strong child. This is the one who tore all four muscles in her quads - and kept playing soccer. She’s wildly determined, sneaky and emotional. It’s a LOT. Especially at this age.

[sdlaura]

I think it’s totally normal behavior. My kids often tell me what they got away with after the fact. Honestly I don’t punish it much because I’m glad that my kids will be honest with me. I try to emphasize that I appreciate him telling me and we talk about why the rules are in place - how something might get lost or taken (natural consequences - this has happened with some stuff mine have brought to school) or someone might be sad that they don’t have the same thing.

Overall, I think totally normal.

[mellym]

2chatter, all of that explains DD1 in a nutshell. Our friend from out of state spent one day with us this summer and commented on how smart she was with being able to get her way in most situations. We were with a group of friends and she was one of 10 kids so the comment was eye opening to me. Another friend that day told DD1 she is a natural born leader. These people only spent one day with her. She broke her arm last summer (first Ped said it wasn't broken) and she went a week playing soccer and took 1st in a race with a broken arm. She was hell bent on taking first in her first 1 mile race this summer and she did amongst 7 year olds and was 3rd overall - only two 9 year olds beat her. She is also very emotional, acts tough to everyone (her first grade teacher told us we don't need to worry about her being bullied at school because she puts everyone and anyone in their place) but will go hide and cry alone. Sooo maybe it all comes down to her personality and I'm exhausted by it.

What do you do to motivate good behavior and curb the sneakiness!?

[mellym]

sdlaura, she isn't getting away with it. The teachers and camp counselors are not okay with her breaking the rules and bringing the stuff in.

[madringal]

I think it's pretty normal. My 7 year old was constantly sneaking stuff in her backpack; chapsticks, slime, shopkins, nom noms - all stuff she knew she want supposed to take to school but she wanted to show off on the bus. She got in trouble with her teacher about it, so we had to get serious. If I find it, it goes in the trash and she spends the evening in her room.

[k3am]

I'm also in agreement that this is normal. I guarantee you that your kid is not the only one trying to sneak stuff in (or out) of camp, that's trying to get more sweets, etc. I try to remind myself that most often, the traits that are the hardest to parent are actually the ones I really want my kids to have as adults.

I know your concern is primarily over the "tricky" behaviors, but honestly, I think her anxiety about her food allergies would worry me more. If it's truly only a handful of times over her entire life, it may be no big deal, but it may also be something you want to work on before anything escalates.

[sandandsea]

Ds is 7 and the same (minus the allergy). Some of it is testing boundaries but some is lack of impulse control. We are giving it a couple of months and then will likely visit the pediatrician to explore it more and get techniques to help him develop more control. He also struggles with anxiety.

[traveltheworld]

It may be pretty normal kid behaviour, but I think as kids grow older, they become more conscious about their food allergies and it can create more anxiety and resentment (the "why am I like this" mentality). My DS (7) has multiple severe food allergies (peanuts, all tree nuts and fish) and I've definitely noticed an increase in the "oh, why am I the only one etc." talk in the past year. It also doesn't help that his sister (4) has no food allergies at all. A few things that have helped:

1. We've gotten him to explain his allergy action plan to camp counselors and other grown-ups himself, giving him more practice. So he walks through all the steps with them himself and identifies at what point he needs Benadryl vs. Epi-Pen, etc. He has also practiced using the epi-pen on oranges multiple times.

2. I know this may be controversial or impractical depending on what your DD is allergic to - but we don't bring food for him for parties etc. and we travel and eat out a lot. We work on identifying "safe" foods. We want him to recognize that there's always something for him to eat (generally fruits and vegetables) as long as he is diligent about identifying and asking about it. We want to give him the message that as long as he is vigilant, his life can be just like anyone else's.

3. We talk about what allergies his other friends have and how lucky he is that his allergies do not restrict him from doing stuff he loves. One of his friends has a severe grass allergy and can't ever be outside playing on the grass - i.e. no soccer.

[2chatter]

mellym - with this one I get more flies with honey for sure. I praise praise praise her and she behaves accordingly. I give her chances to do well to earn things. Like, if she has a consequence, like missing a sleepover due to behavior, I can be point blank that I am watching her behavior and if she wants to get a yes next time her behavior better be in line. I praise the heck out of good things she does - like turn down ice cream because she already had a sugary treat at camp or not complaining about dinner or not proposing a counter plan to shower read bed. I mean heaps of praise. Such a difference.

[sdlaura]

mellym, that’s good that she’s getting caught, in my book - that’s the consequence. Do the teachers or counselors have any consequences?

[mellym]

traveltheworld, she wouldn't be able to eat anything at most of the parties if we didn't bring her food. It tends to be pizza and cake for friend birthday parties here and she can't have either. Other gatherings are usually a no go as well because her allergen can be in the meat, seasonings and sauces, bread, salads, etc.

2chatter, I would say it's the same with her. We started the stone thing so she has been better this week.

sdlaura, I believe they've been talking to her but nothing more than that. They started bringing it to my attention at pick-up. I then received some calls home at the end of the school year.