How to handle

[divanerd]

So we are taking our last trip before school starts.

My sister invited herself and I don't know how to approacht her not coming. She is out of work just relocated and can use the trip.

How would you handle.

[mustardseed2007]

Could you pay her to house or pet sit for you? That way it's money to her (since she's out of work), she's staying in your house (which is sort of like a vrbo) and she doesn't need to travel for it? Unless she lives in a different city than you...

[divanerd]

Great idea but she relocated to a town just 15 mins away from me staying with my mom

[mustardseed2007]

ETA: Just reread, maybe not perfect. 
FWIW, my sister (who is a children's minister) lives with me (and has for a while). But she often dogs or house sits for people on the side. It's decent money and might be a side hustle she can do while trying to get back to work.

[waverly]

This happened to us only it was my sister, 2 kids and dad. They weren’t staying with us so we couldn’t say no you can’t go the same place as us at the same time, free country and all. But we set it up to be there only 2 nights and we had to coordinate an event. I don’t know how it will all work out but lots of boundaries as well as compromised.

In this case it sounds more like she wants to stay with you in which case I might say you just want to go as a family. Immediate family only trip (parents and kids) to spend the time with your kids.

Unless you wouldn’t mind her going but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

[ECB]

I’d keep it simple - “I’d love to find a time where we can all take a trip together, but this trip is for our immediate family to spend some quality time together before school starts. Thanks for understanding”.

Now, if she’s like my Fil, she might throw out “what, I’m not family?” Or ... some other guilt trip/ angle to still come. You know her - be prepared for what you think she might say.

With what my FIL has said, my response would be “it’s not about you being or not being family. This is purely about our family (4 of you??) spending some time together. We’ll find another time to do something fun”.

Be firm. And don’t get caught up in the guilt trip/ explaining yourself.

But hopefully if you say the first bit, she’ll respect it and not push it.

[mommyatty]

Maybe just tell her this is a trip for the 4 of you to reconnect before the insanity of the school year? That sounds better, I think, than “it’s for the four of us to be together” which really you can do if other people are there. But if it’s about strengthening your bond? That really requires alone time.

Also, how is she planning to pay her share of this? Does she anticipate you’ll pay her way? Even if you’re really budgeting, you’re presumably eating out and spending some on activities. Travel is a luxury.

Her feelings are going to be hurt. I think that is what it is. But I have had to start reminding myself that in situations like this, someone is going to be unhappy. So your job is to advocate for your and your immediate family’s happiness. Her job is to figure out how to be happy. Her happiness isn’t resting upon whether or not she gets to tag along on your vacation.

[ECB]

Yes, to what mommyatty said - you have to understand you can’t control her feelings. If she’s upset, so be it. That’s not on you to fix for her.

I mentioned my FIL before - I know that choices we make probably make him sad sometimes. I’m kind of *shrug* about it. It’s important to me that my little family of 3 gets good quality time together. FIL absolutely changes the dynamic and it’s more stressful. DH is on the same page as me and he’s very good about managing his dad, but he’s had to learn that “Hey, my dad’s going to be sad. I can’t let it bother me”. Because, quite honestly , his dad’s expections are often unrealistic and selfish.

There are a lot of details missing here, but for the fact that your sister invited herself... that says a lot. And these are about HER expectations and if they don’t align with yours, that’s HER problem. Not yours.

[divanerd]

Thanks ladies! You rock i guess you gave me the courage I needed.
I told her and it wasnt bad at all
I pretty much said it was before craziness of school year.