NCEP - Divorced and making progress - THANKS!!

[downtoearth]

XH and I signed divorce papers on Friday and the judge will sign them today. I cried after and he hugged me, and I said "This sucks. You failed being my person." and walked away after a long look at each other. So I am officially divorced, and it only took 6.5 months. I am wavering from "good riddance" to "I still can't believe this happened to me after 22 years together." But, I also think that is pretty typical for my situation. I don't want XH back, I just don't like feeling erased/replaced, while simultaneously free too. It's like a buffet of feelings still. I also am starting some dating, but it's not my focus at all.

@

SPOILER: Click to show

The kids are doing well and I'm getting better at seeing them out with XH and his girlfriend (GF). I don't know what support the kids need other than me, but I hope they continue to adjust well. Still cuts my heart in two that I can't just have the kids 24/7, but I also know that wouldn't be right for kids (or me). It just sucks that basically I am totally replaced in family events now. Things I did (and coordinated or introduced to XH) just 9 months ago with H and the kids are things they are all doing now. Many I can't do without a second adult (i.e. float and shuttle a river with two adults/cars, take turns with the youngest at bike parks and outdoor adventures, etc.).

I also know it's different for the kids, and I'm working hard to just be relaxed about things and listen as they talk about their other house without judgement or sadness overwhelming my response. Lots of steely responses, which I hate doing to my kids b/c I want them to understand emotions, but they are also not ready for this raw stuff. I mean when your almost 8th grader mentions that they are "still waiting to get mattresses and take turns in sleeping bags and on the one extra bed that is totally uncomfortable, but GF can't get rid of b/c her mom won't let her for some reason even though GF hates it," or when the youngest mentions that his "best part of the weekend was saying applesauce twice b/c it makes W [girlfriend's toddler daughter] freak out and want applesauce b/c she won't eat anything except goldfish and applesauce," I so want to comment something sarcastic and judgmental, but instead, I say, "Hmmm, too bad that GF can't talk directly to her mom about that, you can always let me know if you don't like a family hand-me-down," or "well toddlers love applesauce." Instead of snarking, "Well, GF isn't really an adult or able to confront anything - Doormat will do well with Stunted." or "Yup, go ahead and tease that toddler, GF already is a crappy parent from what I saw, and can deal with that ish."

I don't want to be the angry parent who makes the kids compartmentalize more than they probably already do, so any advice on that is great.

So, I feel like I'm making progress all the time. I also am the one who is making memories and weekend vacations with the kids and that is the most enriching thing I can do (for them and me).

I know I don't "know" most of you, but I wanted to send out a huge thanks to everyone who responded so kindly and with compassion since January when I found them together. People here were available to give support or hear my frustrations and sadness at all hours as I traversed from overwhelming sadness to anger and back. I am still not out of the woods, but at least I feel some closure. And it has helped me not word/emotion vomit on people IRL. Our small town is tough b/c everything is will eventually get back to XH, I know that much and I don't want him to know how much he still gets to me.

Now on to dating advice for middle-aged women. Seriously, how do you make the first move? JK 

[isabel]

I’m honestly in awe of how you’re handling this. You’re obviously working so hard to do the right thing by your kids and yourself and it shows. I can’t begin to imagine how hard this has been for you, but I hope each day gets easier and provides happiness.

[countthestars]

((hugs)). It sounds like you are doing a great job.

[GilliC]

Just keep moving forward. Sometimes my divorce feels like yesterday, but at other times I realize just how far I’ve come since then. As for dating, don’t be too serious, and don’t be afraid to be honest (with yourself and with others). Focus more on your platonic friends and support network, so that you don’t mind being alone and aren’t afraid to walk away from people who are a bad fit. Also, have fun! You never know what can happen when you’re not expecting anything!

[livinitup]

You sounds really healthy in identifying so many emotions - both positive and negative. I hope the rawness heals soon.

[elleblue]

{{{downtoearth}}} You've been handling a completely shit situation so well. I'm glad you're able to close the door on that chapter and keep moving forward. You've got this.

[mbcdefg]

Hugs to you - I hope things keep getting better for you from here.

[aprilsails]

I think you are doing a great job and are handling this transition really well. I’m glad you feel like you are making progress, which is such a positive step.

[NewOrleans]

Damn. That was fast. I don’t really know what to say other than that I hope great things are ahead of you.

[bronxgirl]

Big, big hugs. I'm proud of you and always remember that everyone here has your back.

[StrawberryBlondie]

((hugs))

[secretlyevil]

[[[[downtoearth]]]]

Nothing productive or enlightening to add, just zombie hugs.

[penguingrrl]

Sending hugs!

[WOT?*]

Internet hugs from here too (((downtoearth)))
You're a rock and you have no idea how many here admire you and support you in this.

[Velar Fricative]

You are a rock star in handling this entire shitty situation the way you have.

[aspentosh]

Sending hugs.

I'm still in awe with how you've dealt with all of it, and this post is even further proof.

[downtoearth]

Jul 22, 2019 13:59:09 GMT -5 NewOrleans said:

Damn. That was fast. I don’t really know what to say other than that I hope great things are ahead of you.

Yeah, I think it was fast compared to some people - but slower than XH's GF. They were divorced in about 8 weeks - no lawyer, no advice, just signed joint paperwork from the internet.

I was not about to do that and we had to wait until June when the kids knew about the GF before I filed. I did all the work to get divorced. Hired a kick-ass lawyer for myself, financials, parenting plan, scheduled all the co-parenting counseling sessions, giving in some on child support, letting go of my anger at things he wanted b/c they are just things, etc. But also easier b/c he got lots of deadlines and just chose not to move or take anything. I have to clean a lot of closets now, and had to put things out for him to take, but generally he got so little. It was a bit cathartic that I didn't have to work with XH to figure out details or plans b/c he is so hard to plan with sometimes - he is NOT a planner and doesn't think ahead a lot. I would just propose them and when he didn't like them or hemmed/hawed, I'd propose a slightly different way and he'd agree. I ended up with the most important thing - time... an extra night each week with the kids.

[AAM2012]

I definitely give you kudos for how you’re handling this especially with children involved.

(((Hugs)))

[picksthemusic]

Huge hugs. I think you've handled all of this as well as anyone can, probably better. Good luck and be kind to yourself.

[suburbanzookeeper]

Big hugs to you and hopes for great things in your future. You've handled this amazingly well! Mine dragged out and out and out (because after agreeing to divorce, he decided he didn't want to sign anything) and getting it done and over with felt like I had shed a huge weight on my shoulders.

[mrsd2006]

You have handled this amazingly well. Good luck going forward!

[mrsukyankee]

All the hugs. You are doing so well. If you do as you have done, keeping your kids' happiness in mind in your responses about your Ex and his gf, you will end up with their love both now and in the long-run. It's okay if they know you are sad or unhappy and it's okay if you tell them sometimes that you aren't in the right state to hear anything about the two of them. Take care of yourself - you are now even more important in their lives and they need you to be kind to you as much as they need you to be kind to them.

[morecowbell]

Lurker here, but I’ve followed your posts and want to thank you for sharing your experience. My STBXH and I had our discussion to split on Thursday and things are already barrelling ahead at lightning speed. I admire how you’ve navigated this experience with such grace and compassion for your kids, even as your heart is breaking. I aspire to be able to handle my situation as well as you have, and I truly wish for you that in a short time you will know in your heart that you are worth so much more than how he made you feel.

[gottadobe]

I just want to say I have such admiration for your ability to maintain grace and composure. Hugs.

[heyjude]

Congratulations on entering this next phase! ((((((Hugs))))))

Re the dating aspect, one of my favorite podcasts, the mom hour, just had an episode on getting back into the dating scene as a newly divorced mom (with 5 kids no less). Might be informative?

[2curlydogs]

Lots of hugs. I don't think I'd be handling this nearly as gracefully as you seem to be.

[downtoearth]

Jul 23, 2019 11:47:09 GMT -5 heyjude said:

Congratulations on entering this next phase! ((((((Hugs))))))

Re the dating aspect, one of my favorite podcasts, the mom hour, just had an episode on getting back into the dating scene as a newly divorced mom (with 5 kids no less). Might be informative?

Thanks. Totally going to listen to this tonight. I am such a novice around dating. The last time I had to "date" was when I was 19. Now I'm trying to meet new people, but also keep dating as an option, just not my goal yet. I find myself able to flirt, but not really sure where to go after that. I do love getting those butterflies in my stomach that I haven't felt for a few years - have one person now that I have that with. I only would get them a couple times a year with XH, but it's just a different love after 20 years than new attraction and connection, huh?

[arch01]

You're doing a great job. That's shitty of him to flat out say you failed at being his person, and I don't know that I would've been able to stop myself from telling him he failed at being my person, too.

Handling divorce with grace is hard-especially with all of the layers. Be kind to yourself as you move into the dating world; my divorce was amicable, he doesn't know I have proof of him cheating. It's hard to be a bit vulnerable and open to the idea of dating after so many years. I will say though, I have had a couple of instances where I really had my eyes open to what I had been missing over the past several years-which is nice. heyjude, thanks for the podcast rec-I need to listen!

[downtoearth]

Jul 23, 2019 12:34:05 GMT -5 arch01 said:

You're doing a great job. That's shitty of him to flat out say you failed at being his person, and I don't know that I would've been able to stop myself from telling him he failed at being my person, too.

Handling divorce with grace is hard-especially with all of the layers. Be kind to yourself as you move into the dating world; my divorce was amicable, he doesn't know I have proof of him cheating. It's hard to be a bit vulnerable and open to the idea of dating after so many years. I will say though, I have had a couple of instances where I really had my eyes open to what I had been missing over the past several years-which is nice. heyjude , thanks for the podcast rec-I need to listen!

I told him that he failed at being my person. He said nothing to me. We have had this saying in our relationship and with some friends about how everyone has a "person" who is their own person and able to take them as they are and love them no matter what b/c of respect and trust, but also be honest with you if you need a reality check. It can be your spouse or friend or both, but being someone's "person" to us is important. He did fail at being "my person." It probably wasn't graceful to tell him that, but it was honest and just came out.

[tessalb]

You seem to be handling this with more grace than I can imagine. Good luck to you moving forward - and have fun!