Post by lexxasaurus on Aug 21, 2019 10:59:09 GMT -5
waverly, not me you're asking, I know, but since we are open ish (though we enjoy the fun together) and I know some poly couples, I can say is it takes a LOT of communication, discussion of boundaries, etc. And I do hope it was a consensual decision like I've seen or it is bound to get messy. I'm not a jealous person, and you have to go into it knowing your main partner will remain your most important and focus energy into that relationship so it doesn't fall to the side. Though I have seen people use it as kind of an 'out' and beginning of the end but others, they just realize they can have feelings for others and enjoy their company/fun, yet still be in love with their partner and want to go home to them at the end of each day. They just aren't made for total monogamy.
waverly, not me you're asking, I know, but since we are open ish (though we enjoy the fun together) and I know some poly couples, I can say is it takes a LOT of communication, discussion of boundaries, etc. And I do hope it was a consensual decision like I've seen or it is bound to get messy. I'm not a jealous person, and you have to go into it knowing your main partner will remain your most important and focus energy into that relationship so it doesn't fall to the side. Though I have seen people use it as kind of an 'out' and beginning of the end but others, they just realize they can have feelings for others and enjoy their company/fun, yet still be in love with their partner and want to go home to them at the end of each day. They just aren't made for total monogamy.
This is also my SO and me - at the moment we prefer the fun together through threesomes.
When I started dating again after my divorce like 8 years ago, I realized that monogamy was something I struggle with, so I was looking for new partners who were open to some form of nonmonogamy eventually. Also, I’m bisexual and I wanted to be able to explore different relationships. I’ve been with my SO for almost 6.5 years and our relationship has varied between full poly relationships to monogamish, which is where we are now. I don’t get jealous about sexual encounters, but I do have to work through my feelings on him being really emotionally close to someone else. I guess you have to work to figure out what kinds of things you’re okay with and not okay with, which sometimes happens through trial and error. It can totally be messy, but for me, monogamy was equally as messy.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Oh, I’d suck at non-monogamy. And I’d probably see myself out of a threesome bc too much work. I just wanna sleep really. No shame or judgment, more power to you guys that can do it!
Same, same. I don't even really want a twosome TBH.
If Jason Momoa showed up in my bedroom I'd probably be like, fine you can lay next to me and watch Netflix but don't touch me or hog the blankets.
Post by klingklang77 on Aug 21, 2019 16:49:05 GMT -5
I don’t think I could handle being in an open relationship. It just seems like it takes a lot of time. My relationship already takes a lot of time. Add another one to that? No, thanks. It’s not for me. I’d maybe try a threesome with him, but we both are not really interested in that.
Another thing I would worry about would be STDs. A condom can only do so much. I mean what if it breaks? Or what if it isn’t used properly and you wind up pregnant and you aren’t sure whose baby it is. It sounds too complicated. OP I hope you are using a condom.
Sorry to post and run - I’ll hit the high points but feel free to ask me any questions. We’re new to this so are still figuring out a lot of things, too.
H and I have been together forever. Both in our late 30s and by all accounts very boring ppl! He’s always has a more flirty and outgoing personality and I’m more introverted. He started liking someone in a more serious way around the same time I met a guy who totally blew me away. We had always joked about having an open marriage and considered a threesome as a way to test it out, but realized we wanted something more serious than just sex. Our sex life has been amazing on the whole, but we’ve been together forever and have both always wondered how it would be with someone different.
So we had some really awkward and honest conversations and decided to go for it. We’re seeing a marriage counselor with experience in open marriages and he helped us set some ground rules and work through initial feelings of jealousy. We’re still early in the process and there have been some weird moments - like the first time I saw him after my overnight stay with my BF - but we’re working through them as best we can. We’re still having sex and doing things together but are fitting our SO’s around that. Being a million percent honest with each other is going to be the key from a big picture view.
Interesting. I guess my biggest question is what happens if one of you falls in love with someone else and wants to be with them? Are the other boyfriend/girlfriend married or in relationships? It just seems like a set-up for disaster.
That’s exactly why my marriage ended. I would never open up/poly/ethically nonmonogomize a relationship again.
Post by WOUNDTIGHT on Aug 21, 2019 20:06:04 GMT -5
I have just so many questions.
How did you meet your BF? And since you’re married already, what does the name “boyfriend” even mean? Can you have more than one boyfriend? Do you have romantic feelings for him? How do you draw any lines? Does your boyfriend have a wife? Will your H ever meet your BF? Do you want to meet your H’s girlfriend?
Nonmonogamy is a hard no for me - I am super jealous and not particularly hard-working in the sack department.
I know 3 couples who gave it a try: two were basically one person pressuring the other into it (although they totally denied it at the time) and both marriages went down in flames relatively quickly. The other is a married couple where the wife, at least, has a long time (and also long distance) girlfriend. I don’t know if the husband has a girlfriend or boyfriend. It seems to work for them.
Whatever floats your boat. The only thing that was annoying was when one of the flames couples got all “we are so much more evolved” on everyone. Before it all went to hell, of course.
This is so much more NOPE to me than open marriages where they’re just allowed to sleep with other people. Actual interest and RELATIONSHIPS, not just sex? Does not compute. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it at all. If I wanted to be in a relationship with someone else, I’d leave my husband. Relationships are exhausting, I don’t want two.
But really what I’m getting at is the same questions others have asked. What if you want the other person more? Do you move out? Does the boyfriend know you’re married? What if he wants to marry you? This seems very complicated.
Post by downtoearth on Aug 22, 2019 12:36:32 GMT -5
abba, I guess those I have similar questions... like if you're flirting/texting/dating someone else, are you really putting that much attention and love into your marriage anymore? New is always easier and more exciting, so it seems like if you're not just doing a threesome or hooking up and then walking away, but actually have a boyfriend or girlfriend outside your marriage, aren't you just taking away from your marriage and the attention and focus you can put on that?
That was the biggest issue with the infidelity that my XH had - was the hours and time he put into a relationship that wasn't ours - it made our marriage worse and less important and he was distant - then again it was also a secret, so I didn't know why he was distant. But are you really sharing everything if you are getting text messages and love notes that talk about how your BF misses you or wants to see your face... are you sharing that with you H and it's working? Not judging, just curious if you are really being open or just having a boyfriend with secrets and also letting your H know the general idea, but not the falling-in-love parts?
Post by cabbagecabbage on Aug 22, 2019 15:42:57 GMT -5
My hackles go up reading this. But I have always been very naturally monogamous. I hate to pile on the "I could never"s but I do think I find it fascinating because it's *so* not my thing. Like, I feel angry jealousy rise within me right now and I am not a jealous type. I really hope it works for you though.
I have definitely started to consider something that is more along the lines of ethical non-monogamy or monogam-ish relationship for myself in the future. I talked about it with one guy I see, but we aren't there yet because I feel like I would have to have a monogamous relationship first so that you can establish trust and all of that. Once that is in place, then you can figure out the boundaries of the outside relationships. I have just found that most men use the "ethical non-monogamy" and a cop out. They don't really want to put in the time for the central relationship, they just want to fuck around as they please. Which, fine...but just say that, you don't need fancy words. lol
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
abba, I guess those I have similar questions... like if you're flirting/texting/dating someone else, are you really putting that much attention and love into your marriage anymore? New is always easier and more exciting, so it seems like if you're not just doing a threesome or hooking up and then walking away, but actually have a boyfriend or girlfriend outside your marriage, aren't you just taking away from your marriage and the attention and focus you can put on that?
I understand where you’re coming from, but I don’t think that’s a fair statement. Sure, everyone knows about that “one couple” that had an open marriage and things went down in flames. But I guarantee that there are plenty of successful open marriages out there. People just don’t talk about it because of the judgement they’ll face. A lot of couples say that opening their marriage actually strengthened their relationship because they had to learn how to communicate well with each other. I’ve asked a few people about the attention aspect of it and they said that they now value the time with their partner more than they used to. So instead of sitting on different ends of the couch, mindlessly watching tv, they spend more time actively hanging out. Sure they go on dates with other people and text other people, but that doesn’t mean that they’re ignoring their spouse. You probably have friends that you talk to and hang out with—does that mean that you neglect your spouse? Absolutely not.
Also, the most work goes into the beginning (assuming that you aren’t simply hooking up with a stranger that you literally just met). You have to get to know them, find a connection, etc. THAT part takes a lot of time and energy. If you’re trying to have a safe one night stand/threesome with someone that you’ve vetted, you’re constantly in that cycle of trying to locate and then woo someone. It would be way easier to just have one steady bf/gf because things get easier from there. Before anyone disagrees, I just want you to think about the time/effort that went into preparing for your first date with your husband vs the 300th date.
I’m not trying to convince anyone to try having an open marriage. I just want you guys to realize that you’re saying some things that could be fairly hurtful/offensive to someone in that lifestyle.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Aug 22, 2019 21:37:57 GMT -5
When I first had K, I was in a group for new moms. One woman had a husband and a boyfriend and they all three lived together and were raising the baby as a group. The biological father was a doctor and the other dad was an artist. And she was a SAHM.
They seemed really happy.
Also, I heard a really fascinating show on NPR about polyamory some time back.
In the episode I heard examples of marriages I thought absolutely would fluoriah under this model and others I thought not so much.
Communication and mutual understanding and support seem to be critical. One woman seems to have a real handle on things and her relationships are emotional and loving and sexual and sometimes just one and sometimes all three.
As long as you and your H are happy and communicating, OP, I think you’ll be fine.
I mean I'm a 0 on the Kinsey scale and also I'm tired so I don't see the appeal, but everyone should do what makes them happy as long as it's not criminal.
I love the “I would never” comments. Nobody is asking you too!
I’m always legit fascinated by the logistics, so I don’t want a bunch of people chiming in with that. Laziness is probably the number 1 reason I wouldn’t do it, so I’m over here like, “OK, I need a breakdown of your schedule, including who you see when and how often you’re fucking whom!”
Oh, and I’m serious. I would love to get a rough schedule breakdown over a period of time - IDK, a week? a month? How often do you see the boyfriend? Do you just go on dates? Would you ever have another person live with you? Can you have more than one boyfriend at a time? Are one night stands OK, or do you only do non-marital ongoing relationships? How often do you have sex with the boyfriend? Your husband? Do you tend to do different things with the boyfriend vs. the husband? Do you have sex with them in quick succession - like one today and another tomorrow - or does it tend to be clustered? Would you ever bring another partner into the bedroom or is it only outside relationships?
I’m genuinely interested in how all this works because I find one relationship exhausting. Like I want to take a nap after just thinking about those questions.
Oh, and I’m serious. I would love to get a rough schedule breakdown over a period of time - IDK, a week? a month? How often do you see the boyfriend? Do you just go on dates? Would you ever have another person live with you? Can you have more than one boyfriend at a time? Are one night stands OK, or do you only do non-marital ongoing relationships? How often do you have sex with the boyfriend? Your husband? Do you tend to do different things with the boyfriend vs. the husband? Do you have sex with them in quick succession - like one today and another tomorrow - or does it tend to be clustered? Would you ever bring another partner into the bedroom or is it only outside relationships?
I’m genuinely interested in how all this works because I find one relationship exhausting. Like I want to take a nap after just thinking about those questions.
I totally agree. I’m not judging at all. I am curious how the time factor plays in. I barely have enough time for one relationship. When I was younger (no marriage, but serious), I had two going at one time and it was exhausting. I was in university, working full time and had two boyfriends. I’ll never do that again! So yes, I’m also curious about the logistics.