Care work

[waverly]

We were talking about care work in the Current Events Board, but this article also contains caring for children, and since we are mostly all working here I thought it would be interesting to discuss.

TLDR- basically it is usually women who have to step out of the workforce to care for children as well as sick/ elderly relatives. gen.medium.com/care-work-is-the-next-feminist-frontier-b50fbd8fde01

While there are some SAHDs it is still not the norm.  Even if you are working then it is a woman typically hired to take take care of children or sick/ elderly relatives.  Our aftercare has more men, but I think the daycare only had 1 guy that I can remember and he didn't last super long. There are male caregivers but a much much smaller number.

ETA- there are several older women that I have interviewed or hired who have stepped out of the workforce to care for aging parents or children with special needs or illnesses.

[rere]

I definitely relate. I worked part time for 10 years to care for the kids, and my dad was sick for most of that time. Thankfully, I had a job that let me work part time at the same job and accrue the same sick, vacation, and retirement. However, I didn't advance at all during that time.

I don't know the answer though. Even at $10 - $15 an hour, we couldn't find anyone we could afford to take care of my dad at home, which left a nursing home. And we were always scrambling to find someone to take him to the doctor. I still had childcare expenses, which were relatively cheap because of an in home sitter, but if she charged more, it would have been most of my check.

[hocus2]

Fortunately my parents are relatively healthy but for various reasons if someone had to quit their job it would most likely be me. Most of that is financial as DH makes much more than me but it is also about disposition and temperament I think.

I have however resisted all pushes for promotion. I can't take on anything more since I have a full time job as an individual contributor and shoulder an overwhelming majority of kid stuff like annual physicals and school stuff since DH works much longer hours. My kids are two schools this year and it was a major huddle for me to make a meeting right after drop off but DH can't really do those things. He already get push back for leaving around 5:30 once a month to do a family thing.

[covergirl82]

I feel my situation is very similar to hocus2. Although I haven't been offered a promotion to leadership, I know I couldn't do it right now with being the primary parent for taking kids to appointments, staying home with a sick kid or on a snow day, and doing the majority of school prep (lunches, picking out clothes, making sure homework, etc. is in backpacks). DH makes a lot more than I do, so if someone had to quit (or change to PT), it would be me. And my parents, as of now, are very healthy for 72 years old. Hopefully it stays that way for another 10 years/until DD is out of high school.

One reason (of many) I'm focused on debt reduction is that in the event I needed to quit for family reasons, we could live very comfortably on DH's income.

[waverly]

covergirl82 , good point on debt reduction. We have a bonus coming in, and I am trying to decide what to do with it. And theoretically we should be able to live on his income.  I can't quit figure out why we can't, but I think it might be the debt.

I worked the whole time as a parent, but those people that stepped out make way less than me and are just now working their way up, but still are maybe $10 an hour less. I was this close to leaving when DS was hospitalized for 4 days at 7 months old for bronchiolitis, but DH talked me down.

My mom is in good health. My in-laws have each other and a son nearby. The son isn't the greatest at adulting, doesn't work or go to school just lived off of his parents, but he can definitely take care of them and drive them to appointments. In fact it would be good for him given his immaturity at well past 30 years old, and his selfishness.

But I think it is just more expected that the wife even if they do work will do more of the childcare because the men's jobs penalize them. And like I said, I have interviewed so many 50 and 60 year old women that left the workforce to be caregivers of their parents, and want to get back in part time.

[mommyatty]

We are the opposite. I outearned DH so when something had to give, it was his job. Last week his mom had to have eye surgery. He took her and took care of her afterward. I took off to be on kid pick up duty. This week he will take her to her follow up. I’m on kid pick up duty again.

When we talked about DH quitting his job, we specifically discussed the sandwich generation issue. I’m estranged from my family, so my view was “your parents, your issue.” I’m happy to throw money at it, but I’m not changing adult diapers for people who didn’t change mine.

[sdlaura]

We’re really lucky right now that my parents are very healthy, and DH’s parents relocated to be near his sister (3,000 miles from us) recently so that she could help them more. We will be the ones who provide financial help to them when necessary (and helped a bit for their relocation), but luckily FIL has a pension so they’re in decent shape. We do feel bad for DH’s sister though that she has to help them more. We have offered to help them move out here but they’re not interested.

One of the ways we all convinced the ILs to move closer to SIL was by convincing them that SIL needed their help with her kids, rather than the other way around. I know SIL has to bite her tongue when they tell people they had to move because she needed their help.

In terms of care in general, I think living in Southern CA is one reason we can make the balance work for kid care. People sacrifice higher salaries in this area for better work life balance. DH goes to work at 6:30 am but his office is a ghost town by 4. And as long as I travel when my company wants, I have a lot of flexibility when I’m in town. I don’t think we could both be partners in our firms and have 3 little kids and not go crazy in most other cities.

[polecat8]

I am the primary breadwinner in my family. We were very lucky in that when DD and DS1 were born, our parents were willing to help out with babysitting so we could both work. And I am grateful that my current company is very family friendly and flexible. But I also work for a very small company and I am the only one with my job title/skills. As a result, I'm sometimes on call even though I'm out sick or taking a vacation day. But when I need to be disconnected, my coworkers can make it work. This flexibility is why I stay with my company.
That all changed when I got pregnant with DS2. My parents and my MIL had/have some pretty chronic health problems around the time and were bouncing in and out of the hospital at various times. It was a lot of juggling and help from my brothers' wives to babysit to make sure everyone was alright in the hospital. I remember the days when my dad was in the hospital for a week and I felt bad about only being able to visit him every other day. Then my mom would end up in the hospital because the stress from my dad would cause a Crohn's flare up for her. But we made it work and I always had a very understanding boss who would let me work from a hospital lobby or at my in-laws' house when my MIL was on hospice.
Just before DS2 was born, DH quit his job. And honestly, DH is much more suited for the SAH life. I can count on him to keep tabs on his dad and to help out my parents when needed.

[covergirl82]

Sept 9, 2019 14:31:17 GMT -5 waverly said:

covergirl82 , good point on debt reduction. We have a bonus coming in, and I am trying to decide what to do with it. And theoretically we should be able to live on his income.  I can't quit figure out why we can't, but I think it might be the debt.

Yes to the bolded part, but I think taxes is big part of it too.  We are in a higher tax bracket because of our combined income.  After taxes, medical, and retirement deductions, we take home about 60% of our gross pay.  And we feel led to give 10% of our gross pay to our church, so then we're left with around 50% or less of our gross pay to live on. 

DH and I will not be caring for his mom when she eventually needs it.  She can either go live with/by SIL, or she can live in an assisted living facility.  While we wouldn't be opposed to my parents living with us, we would both prefer if they lived close by in their own place, and we could check in on them frequently and help them as needed.

[waverly]

covergirl82, yup for sure taxes due to higher income. We also are lucky to have money to put towards our pension, an emergency fund, and the kids college savings etc. But I think saving at a higher rate also made so we have less money to spend which then gets put on a CC, and it becomes a vicious cycle. I am super close to forcing DH to make the move to all cash and no credit cards except in the case of online purchases that may fall more into the less secure/ risky category in terms of disputes/ fraud and setting a limit on that. I have to formalize it a bit more and think on it a bit more. I am not sure the percentage of the gross pay we would be at, but I feel like 50% is probably a likely number.

Thanks to the posters that posted about their husbands doing more of the care taking. It's not 50/50 men/ women which would be ideal, but it is some.

[mommyatty]

waverly- I talk about my H as caretaker every time this comes up, in every situation, because most of the articles about this subject have this weird combination of “isn’t this terrible” and “goodness, what else could we possibly do? I mean, it’s ingrained that men just aren’t able to do this kind of work, so good women just have to sacrifice.” I think we should look at it by family and situation. I love working. DH didn’t. I have zero patience for sitting around doctor’s offices. DH has infinite patience for it. I helped DD with her homework yesterday and wanted to get riproaring drunk afterward. DH just handles it with no drama. (Though he does drink half a bottle of red wine every evening and now I know why!) In many situations, women are the more competent caregivers, but we do everyone a disservice when we don’t consider the individuals and their strengths/preferences.

[divanerd]

I'm an anomaly my husband would respond quickly due to his work being super close to home.
With my current role I can be more readily available.

[sdlaura]

mommyatty, what you said about sitting around doctor's offices would be why my husband wouldn't make sense as a SAHD. I think he'd be great at the actual kid care part, but terrible at the administrative stuff. Actually he would probably be good at it, but it would drive him nuts.