Any adoptees here?

[mcsangel2]

I'm not an adoptee, but both my older sister and brother were adopted at birth, we've always known about it. Of course, they were born in 67 and 69, and open adoptions weren't a thing then, although they were given their papers and the names of their birth mothers when they turned 18.

Your DD isn't internalizing anything. You're her mom, your family is her family. That's it. As a preteen, her world is still pretty small, and in a few years she might maybe want to know more about her birth family. Both my siblings have no interest in finding their birth moms (and our parents are both gone now), so maybe your daughter won't, either. It is entirely possible that she *doesn't* care.

I wouldn't keep pushing it on your daughter. She knows the deal, she can ask you anything if she has questions. It does seem like you are feeling some guilt yourself, about having lost all contact, so maybe you could do some research to see if you could find her birth mom, if it would make you feel better. But your daughter is old enough to decide whether or not she wants to know anything more about her, and I'm sure the idea of resuming contact would be stressful to her.

I don't see anything in your post that indicates that there's a need for a counselor.

[meganew]

My MIL is adopted, and we’ve had a lot of talks about it and what it was like growing up. She didn’t want to know anything about her birth family while she was growing up, but when she was older and ready she hired an investigator and found her birth mother and they now have a great relationship.

[sunshineluv]

I am not an adoptee, but my dad was. He was a toddler when he was adopted, and had zero desire to know anything about his birth family. There was a time when some details came out, and he actively chose not to pursue it. In my mind it made no sense, how could he have not wanted to know siblings?! But now that I am older I get it, and how personal of a decision that was for him.

From reading this it sounds a bit like you are projecting. (Not to her but in your feelings). Maybe you are mourning the loss of what you thought the open adoption relationship would look like? Your daughter may have zero need to know more. She may feel that way now; and down the road change her mind?

It sounds like she is happy just the way things are .

[bl]

My husband I guess is technically adopted by his dad. His bio dad was no where around and his mom remarried and her husband adopted him at a very young age. My husband has 0 desire to know anything about his bio dad, he makes comments sometimes about how he has his dads x, y, or z. He is referring to his adopted dad, and every time in my mind I think but wait that isn't possible he isn't you bio dad. In my husbands mind his adopted dad is his bio dad and there is no other dad, and it has always been this way. Your daughter may feel the same. You have given her the information, I would let her decide what to do with it whenever she wants.

[cabbagecabbage]

My dear friend has two adopted kids who are different races from her and her husband and each other, so they stand out as clearly an adoptive family. We've talked a lot about the kids' experiences. Her son has a birth mom who is in his life and they fly across the country to meet up yearly. Her daughter's birth mom lives in our area but hasn't responded in years. Her phone number isn't connected. She worries so much about that disparity but the kids seem to not notice or care.

Your story reminds me of a very different story. My sister lost an infant twin. Last year her 11 year-old daughter was screaming at her surviving brother, "I wish you'd die!" My sister pulled her aside and told her that since they had a baby who died, they do not talk like that and she was very upset. My niece asked what she was talking about and my sister furiously whispered the dead brother's name. Niece said, "Oh, I sort of forgot about him."

Kids that age are really focused on their experience only. It is sad that you haven't been able to create the bonds you'd hoped you daughter to have with a birth family but it probably effects you a lot more than her. She will probably have years where she does reflect more or focus more on her backstory more. I don't think you can force anything. It's her journey.

[rubytue]

Adopted here, but not much to add.

I didn’t get any info on my birth family until two years ago (age 43), but I always knew I was adopted. Actually, I did know I had half siblings, but no info. When I got the name, my bdad is very googlable (unique name and was a county councilman). Bmom is almost as generic as his is unique. Like I work with a lady with the exact same name. So nothing there. Thanks to weird TN laws, it’s illegal for me to contact them, and my dad passed before I did anything. Honestly, it’s my siblings I am most interested in. I grew up an only child, and always wanted siblings. In particular, an older brother (in my adopted child mind, this was totally feasible, that they could just go pick out an old brother for me LOL).

I’m not sure if counseling is needed at this point, honestly. A couple times my mother made me go to a counselor for something she thought I might need help with. What that taught me was that the thing was a big deal and my lack of issue with the thing was a Problem. So I wonder what message going to a counselor about a non-issue in her head would send.

[CurlyQ284]

Not an adoptee but my two best friends were adopted as infants. Both of them became interested in finding their birth parents when we were college-age, so it could be she isn't interested right not but may be interested when she gets older.

[piaffe]

I’m adopted and have known since forever about the adoption as well. I was born in 81’ and while my adoption was technically closed my parents chose to keep in touch with my biomom. We would see each other about every four years we live several states away. My bio mom and I had a close friendship bond once I was married and out of the house but even now that’s changed. She was never a “mom” figure to me just my bio mom who gave me a better life than what she could have done.
I think just know one day she may want more information but just give her what you have. You’ve done your best and tried keeping in touch but the safety aspect outweighs the other side of things for me.
I did pursue info on my bio dad just for medical reasons but he was never ready for a relationship until I was done and had shut that door. I know who he is and my bio mom can get in touch if need be but for me that period of my life is done.

I do have relationships with my four half brothers that my bio mom had with another guy but we aren’t super close.
Not sure if this helps but you can always ask anything bc I’m an open book.

[readyin07]

My mom (and her identical twin) were adopted. Neither ever cared anything about finding their birth family. They both feel (well my aunt has since passed, but she did feel) they were raised by loving wonderful parents and that was all they needed. My mom was slightly curious about her ethnic background so she did an ancestry kit, but had zero interest in finding family and I guess clicked that as some option. I don’t know if that’s a function of her age of what, but I think it’s fine either way. Fine to be curious and want to know where you came from and fine not to not care.

I was raised by a non bio dad and my bio father has since passed away. I knew my bio dad and my stepbrothers and sisters, I could probably find the rest of the family pretty easily (have in fact found them on Facebook once). I just don’t care to.

[edwardo123]

I was adopted in 1979. I have always known I was adopted. There have been times that I'm curious about my biological family but am not really interested in seeking a relationship. I just would like to know more basic facts, like I'd be cool to read a bio about them anonymously or do a google search if I knew their names.

[winnied]

I'm an adoptee, born in late 80's with a basically closed adoption.

Teens are hard, yo. So many feelings. She could feel one way on a Tuesday and another on a Friday. Heck, sometimes I'm even that way now with my adoption.

The way I've explained it to other APs (and I'm adopting in February, btw) is that there are peaks and valleys in processing the trauma and experience of adoption. Things will get harder and many (hopefully most) days will seem totally normal and OK. Different life stages have different complexities. When I was the same age as my birth-mom when I was born, that was really hard to process her experience and my own. Now that I'm twice that age, I'm dealing with a lack of health information, curiosity if family is alive, do I have other relatives, etc.

Regarding bio-dad, you should share information as it's age appropriate, but by 18 I think it's appropriate to share everything you know, and even things that might be a possibility. Withhold nothing.

I disagree with some folks who say that she'll come to you with questions. I rarely did/do because my parents are highly emotional and don't manage it well. Maybe you're different. But your proactive and open approach is awesome.

If she's not in therapy, I recommend it at some point. She might decline for now and that's OK, and may not do it until adulthood but adoption is trauma and it does need to be navigated as part of overall mental health, just as we seek professional help in our physical health as well.

It sounds like you're doing a great job. This is hard!

[fivechickens]

My cousin was adopted. He was not at all interested in knowing his bio family when he was a teen. As he got older he asked so my aunt/his mom told him and let him know he could get in touch with his bio mom if he wanted. IIRC he never did.

I think as long as you let her know if she ever wants to talk about it or have questions to let you know.

[whitemerlot]

FYI this poster is a known racist. Her previous names are 2bewed and bluesky.

[ECB]

She knows where you stand, she hasn't expressed interest - I wouldn't push it.  I agree with whoever said it - it does feel like you're projecting a bit here.  She's entering an age where there are going to be a lot of changes, emotions, etc - let her ride the ride and don't force this on her. She may start being interested in a few years. Or she may not.  This is her path to take, not yours.

My brother is adopted. It's kind of an interesting story - he was adopted by my parents when he was 3.  He has a 1/2 brother that probably about 10 or so years ago, they found each other.  Actually - his 1/2 brother found him.

my brother had done a little research into his past, but for the most part it  wasn't something he pursued all that much.  But his 1/2 brother found him and from that, they located their birth mother's family in Germany.  His 1/2 brother is really really really OBSESSED with this, wanting to go visit them, and wanting to find their mother.  Her family haven't seen or heard from her in over 30 years.  And they also have no interest in meeting either my brother or his 1/2 brother.  

My brother kind of got caught up in this effort for awhile, but in the end, if they find something out, great.  If they don't, well.... he's not pressed about it.  I actually think seeing how obsessed his 1/2 brother is has kind of made him back off.  

My point being- 2 brothers, both adopted.  Found each other but one wants to find his birth mom, the other - not so much. 

It's a very individual thing.  You can't assign your feelings or expectations on her.  She needs to figure this out for herself. 

[ECB]

Nov 20, 2019 19:37:51 GMT -5 whitemerlot said:

FYI this poster is a known racist. Her precious names are 2bewed and bluesky.

Oh god dammit.  I was wondering aobut that actually... 

[ksun]

One of my best friends was adopted and always knew so. She had zero interest even into her mid-30's about finding out anything, but she had her DD when she was 36 and DS when she was 39 and at that point she decided she wanted to know more for health reasons and for her kids sake etc. Her parents I guess always had the information and it was relatively easy to find her birth-mother. They now have a relationship and her kids (6 & 3) call her Grandma (name). They're not close by any means, but do see each other a few times a year. There was a lot of resentment towards her birth-mom even when she and I were roommates in her mid-late 20's, so it's entirely possible your DD could feel that way, and that's just fine.

[meagain]

I have also adopted. The birth family has never asked to see my girls. They have had the younger siblings visit over the years but they were raised different then my girls and it was always awkward. Now my youngest wants nothing to do with it. She wants to concentrate on other areas of her like. She is 17. My oldest (18) met up with the kids just last week but that will probably be it for awhile. The birth dad has told them many lies about the adoption. We adopted through foster care. My girls don't want to here those lies. I let my girls take the lead and always have. I have the information when they are ready.

[sapphireblue]

I am adopted. I was always curious about what ethnicities I was so I took the Ancestry test a while ago. But my curiosity was lazy, it wasn't that important to me. I do find that other people that are not adopted (not all of them but some) really do misunderstand quite a bit how I am feeling about it. They think it is a much bigger deal than I do.

Anyway, I met my bio mother and her son, my half brother, recently after connecting via the Ancestry test last June. I also have a half sister I'll probably meet soon. It's nice I guess. It's fun to see the similarities. But it just isn't something that has ever felt like a burning need in me at all.

It sounds to me like that might be where you daughter is at. I would let her take the lead on this. My mom was always taking me to seminars on adoptee issues and stuff and I HATED it.

[nomad100]

My brother and I are adoptees, not biologically related though. Both as infants under 2 months.

My experience has been that being adopted is just part of who I am. I can't remember a time I didn't know. I know very little about my birth parents other than their ethnicities and, based on math, they got frisky around Valentine's Day since my bday is 9 months and 1 day after 2/14 . I have had little desire to meet my bio parents, other than to thank them for making the hardest decision a parent could make and to let them know I have had an amazing life with supportive parents. Other than that, I rarely think about them because while they gave me life, they aren't my parents.  At one point, in my 30s I thought about trying to find them,mainly for medical history, and my adoptive parents were super supportive. However at this point, I don't feel the need. I have my family and it isn't one that is only defined by blood relations.  This feeling has grown since my brother died.  I am all my parents have now.  

I can't speak entirely to my brother's experience since it was different than mine but he, even as an adult, used being adopted as a emotional weapon against my parents. The whole "if I wasn't adopted you would let me do X or you would give me Y or you wouldn't require Z of me." Or saying he was going to try to find his "real" parents when they told him No. It was tiring and maddening because, while my parents are not saints, they are good people. And he was still trying to use these tactics as a 40+ yo adult.  Needless to say he and I didn't have a close relationship. 

[megstoo]

I'm not adopted however both of my younger brothers are. They're both in the mid 20's right now and they have known they've been adopted since probably gradeschool age (my parents adopted them when they were 1 and 3 yrs old). They were not biological brothers but from the same orphanage in Russia. One of my brothers has absolutely no interest in finding his birth family and considers us to be his only family. The other one did his own research and tried to reach out to his birth mom only to be disappointed. It was very hard to watch and has since started to resent his birth family. My parents did everything they could but they let my brothers take the lead. If they wanted to find their birth family my parents were ready to do everything they could to help them.

If I was in the situation I would let your daughter take the lead, continue to be open with her as you have been but she's at the age where it's going to up to her if she wants to have a relationship with them and it sounds like truthfully she doesn't. I wouldn't push her nor would I reach out to her birth family without her knowing.

[sarahswim]

Nov 20, 2019 17:27:32 GMT -5 edwardo123 said:

I was adopted in 1979. I have always known I was adopted. There have been times that I'm curious about my biological family but am not really interested in seeking a relationship. I just would like to know more basic facts, like I'd be cool to read a bio about them anonymously or do a google search if I knew their names.

I could have written this exact post and just changed the birth year to 1977. I’d add that I’ve sometimes wondered about medical history, but honestly, I’m not sure what I’d do with that info even if I had it.
OP, I think just staying open and honest is the best plan (like you already are).

[wesleycrusher]

Agree with following her lead. Please don't make her go to counseling unless she would want to go. Being a teen is hard, and although you may have the best intentions, you are "othering" her, especially if you have bio kids as well.

[revolution]

My sister is adopted. It's obvious because she is a different race, so there is no hiding it. I have 2 biological brothers. She was 4 when she was adopted and the youngest of the 4 of us siblings.

My parents were always very open about helping her find her birth parents *IF* she wanted to, even if just to get medical history. There was no pressure, just a once a year "let us know if you want help looking for them". And she never did growing up, she was just "I'm good, you're my family". It wasn't til she was in her mid-30's that she decided to try to find them. Her orphanage is on the other side of the world and she went with her BF and my brother. She had no luck with any birth parent info but she was glad she went.

ALL THAT SAID, it was on her terms and her idea and what she wanted. The rest of us just supported her.