Toxic family- updated

[edwardo123]

Thanks for the support. I just got done having dinner at the restaurant midway between my parents and our homes. The big news... my brother has met a girlfriend ten years older with kids on a dating site. My parents are sad that he may move to live with her several hours away. I almost laughed out loud. I'm still trying to figure out what woman would be excited to have my loser brother move in. Also, my parents should be rejoicing that they'll have their house back.

I just need to vent about my immediate family and know it's okay to let it go. My younger brother has always been in trouble, stealing money from my parents wallets in elementary, caught with alcohol in trunk at school, misdemeanor marijuana charges, DUIs, major accident while under the influence(luckily it was just him hitting a pole and not someone else), and heroin related arrests. He is now 35 and still lives with my parents. He hasn't had a job in over 10 years. Despite all that he has done, my parents continue to defend and enable him. They just say I'm lucky to be so blessed with no mention of my hard work. If I have a problem, they just bring up my brother and their hardships dealing with him. It's gotten to the point that we talk for 5 minutes each Sunday and see each other on holidays. I have no contact with my brother and have not visited my parents at their home in 8 years. I have tried to set boundaries for my family's mental health, but my parents keep crossing the line. They bring my brother uninvited to our gatherings and act like everything is perfectly normal. On advice from my therapist, I worked to set boundaries for Thanksgiving. I invited them to meet at a restaurant halfway between our homes. My mom just called to say that they need to come to our house to talk about what's going on, this will likely be about whatever awful thing my brother has done this time. She refused to tell me over the phone and we aren't meeting until Saturday. I'm an anxious ball of nerves and just want to forget meeting at all. I am trying to love my parents but this happens every time we get together. It's been going on for the last 25 years and I just want to end all contact. I feel like I start the grieving process over the family I wished I had after every meeting.

[jeaniebueller]

Can you call her and tell her that you won't be meeting with her on saturday until she tells you what is going on because you want to have a nice dinner with them that day? i'm sorry you are dealing with this.

[felicity]

Your mom is being manipulative. She doesn't need to come over, and you can set boundaries around these demands. You can absolutely say no to meeting your mom at your house. You can tell her she can't come over and she can tell you over the phone. If she won't do that, then that is on her. How she feels about this is not your responsibility and it is not your fault.

[edwardo123]

Thank you, I will call later today and will ask her to tell me over the phone or we won't be meeting on Saturday. My children will be there on Saturday and I don't want them to hear from my mom. My parents are in their late seventies and I hate that this is what our relationship has become. I know rationally it is their choice, but it still hurts, especially this time of year. You are right about her being manipulative. This happens every holiday along with passive aggressive comments about how I'm such a good mom despite being such a cold person or how she would have put money on my brother being a family man because he was always such an affectionate child, while I was always so damn independent. I think it's time to set more boundaries.

[flygirl]

I’ve very sorry..I have a brother and sister who are the golden children no matter what dumbass things they do, I finally had enough and cut them all off. The thing is, your mom can say she’s not going to tell you until you are together all she wants but you have a right to set boundaries that it’s not ok. She thinks by meeting in person you’ll be less likely to object, get mad or throw them out-it’s much easier for her to manipulate your response. I’d call her and tell her that whatever she needs to discuss she needs to tell you over the phone and then you have the right to decide whether you still meet. It’s not about you being blessed..it’s about always having to pay the price so to speak for your brothers behavior. And if they feel like they have too much dealing with him, then that’s on them, you don’t need it to be your burden too.

[ohgillian]

She doesn't need to come over. She wants to come over. These aren't the same thing.

[psychmom]

I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this for so long. I can commiserate on how heartbreaking and frustrating it is to have parents manipulate your emotions and responses. My sister has been deep into drugs for several years now. She had a baby 3 years ago that tested positive to weed and cocaine at birth that my parents (who are in their mid/late 60s, mind you) now have custody of. She still 'lives' with them, although I use that term loosely because she's frequently gone for days at a time to 'hang out with friends'. They continue to make excuses for and enable her. 

Recently, my sister was arrested for a federal drug trafficking charge and has spent a couple months in jail while the attorney is gathering evidence for trail. My sister denies these allegations and I can tell my mom believes her. My mom actually said to me "we already have drugs in (our state), why would anyone need to go somewhere else to get them?" I'm so frustrated because she just doesn't get it and is attempting to defend her. She originally said she was going to wait until we see each other at Christmas to tell me about this, which I see as her attempt to control my response to some extent, but she ended up telling me because literally everyone else in the family knew already. My sister was released earlier last week to await trial and my mom is singing her praises about how totally normal she is and how different she is from how she was before. The only thing I could think of to respond with was that I hope it lasts. I've stopped sugar coating things when I speak to my parents just because I think they intentionally avoid any other views of reality otherwise. They think she's just caught up with the wrong friends and they are the ones who are doing these things, not my sister. She gained about 10 lbs while in jail which is probably the best thing to come out of all of this. My mom posted a picture on Facebook and it's nice to see my sisters face without her eyes and cheeks sunken in. It's been years since she's looked like that. 

I speak to my mom on the phone for 15ish minutes every couple of weeks and I we only see each other on holidays. I haven't visited them in my hometown in years. I feel guilty because every time we talk my mom asks me to text or call her more often but I just don't have it in me to do it. Our 15 minute conversations are draining enough. It sounds like you have a good, clear head on your shoulders and a support system in place to help you be strong when it's difficult to do so. Good luck with you and your family! If you ever need someone to talk to who understands what you're going through just PM me!

[sunflower17]

I’m so sorry. I don’t have advice, but want to wish you peace. Toxic family is so awful.

My situation is different as I’m an only child, but my mother is a drama queen with some mental health issues. She is manipulative, obnoxious, selfish and makes me feel guilty about everything. I wish I had the courage to limit interactions. Thankfully about 5 years ago she moved and then I moved and there’s about 200 miles between us. Although the downside is that when we do visit, it’s more than just one day and plenty of time for her to create problems which she then blames me or H for.

[edwardo123]

Nov 27, 2019 11:54:50 GMT -5 psychmom said:

I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this for so long. I can commiserate on how heartbreaking and frustrating it is to have parents manipulate your emotions and responses. My sister has been deep into drugs for several years now. She had a baby 3 years ago that tested positive to weed and cocaine at birth that my parents (who are in their mid/late 60s, mind you) now have custody of. She still 'lives' with them, although I use that term loosely because she's frequently gone for days at a time to 'hang out with friends'. They continue to make excuses for and enable her. 

Recently, my sister was arrested for a federal drug trafficking charge and has spent a couple months in jail while the attorney is gathering evidence for trail. My sister denies these allegations and I can tell my mom believes her. My mom actually said to me "we already have drugs in (our state), why would anyone need to go somewhere else to get them?" I'm so frustrated because she just doesn't get it and is attempting to defend her. She originally said she was going to wait until we see each other at Christmas to tell me about this, which I see as her attempt to control my response to some extent, but she ended up telling me because literally everyone else in the family knew already. My sister was released earlier last week to await trial and my mom is singing her praises about how totally normal she is and how different she is from how she was before. The only thing I could think of to respond with was that I hope it lasts. I've stopped sugar coating things when I speak to my parents just because I think they intentionally avoid any other views of reality otherwise. They think she's just caught up with the wrong friends and they are the ones who are doing these things, not my sister. She gained about 10 lbs while in jail which is probably the best thing to come out of all of this. My mom posted a picture on Facebook and it's nice to see my sisters face without her eyes and cheeks sunken in. It's been years since she's looked like that. 

I speak to my mom on the phone for 15ish minutes every couple of weeks and I we only see each other on holidays. I haven't visited them in my hometown in years. I feel guilty because every time we talk my mom asks me to text or call her more often but I just don't have it in me to do it. Our 15 minute conversations are draining enough. It sounds like you have a good, clear head on your shoulders and a support system in place to help you be strong when it's difficult to do so. Good luck with you and your family! If you ever need someone to talk to who understands what you're going through just PM me!

I'm so sorry. The mental gymnastics our parents do to enable our siblings is insane. I'm so thankful that my brother hasn't had a child, although maybe that's the news my parents want to share. Last year, it was that he had the bad luck to be pulled over for speeding and had paraphernalia in the vehicle. Of course, it didn't belong to him. I agree with the mental exhaustion after any contact. I am waiting to call until I can be alone.

[psychmom]

Nov 27, 2019 13:08:44 GMT -5 edwardo123 said:

Nov 27, 2019 11:54:50 GMT -5 psychmom said:

I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this for so long. I can commiserate on how heartbreaking and frustrating it is to have parents manipulate your emotions and responses. My sister has been deep into drugs for several years now. She had a baby 3 years ago that tested positive to weed and cocaine at birth that my parents (who are in their mid/late 60s, mind you) now have custody of. She still 'lives' with them, although I use that term loosely because she's frequently gone for days at a time to 'hang out with friends'. They continue to make excuses for and enable her. 

Recently, my sister was arrested for a federal drug trafficking charge and has spent a couple months in jail while the attorney is gathering evidence for trail. My sister denies these allegations and I can tell my mom believes her. My mom actually said to me "we already have drugs in (our state), why would anyone need to go somewhere else to get them?" I'm so frustrated because she just doesn't get it and is attempting to defend her. She originally said she was going to wait until we see each other at Christmas to tell me about this, which I see as her attempt to control my response to some extent, but she ended up telling me because literally everyone else in the family knew already. My sister was released earlier last week to await trial and my mom is singing her praises about how totally normal she is and how different she is from how she was before. The only thing I could think of to respond with was that I hope it lasts. I've stopped sugar coating things when I speak to my parents just because I think they intentionally avoid any other views of reality otherwise. They think she's just caught up with the wrong friends and they are the ones who are doing these things, not my sister. She gained about 10 lbs while in jail which is probably the best thing to come out of all of this. My mom posted a picture on Facebook and it's nice to see my sisters face without her eyes and cheeks sunken in. It's been years since she's looked like that. 

I speak to my mom on the phone for 15ish minutes every couple of weeks and I we only see each other on holidays. I haven't visited them in my hometown in years. I feel guilty because every time we talk my mom asks me to text or call her more often but I just don't have it in me to do it. Our 15 minute conversations are draining enough. It sounds like you have a good, clear head on your shoulders and a support system in place to help you be strong when it's difficult to do so. Good luck with you and your family! If you ever need someone to talk to who understands what you're going through just PM me!

I'm so sorry. The mental gymnastics our parents do to enable our siblings is insane. I'm so thankful that my brother hasn't had a child, although maybe that's the news my parents want to share. Last year, it was that he had the bad luck to be pulled over for speeding and had paraphernalia in the vehicle. Of course, it didn't belong to him. I agree with the mental exhaustion after any contact. I am waiting to call until I can be alone.

I ALWAYS take/make calls with my mom alone. It's so weird seeing my husband laugh and talk on the phone for an hour with his parents or siblings out in the open. He looks so happy to be talking to them. When I talk to my mom it's a task.  

[edwardo123]

I agree to it being a chore. I'm jealous at times of my husband's relationship to his family. I also hate answering questions about holiday plans with coworkers and acquaintances.

[simpsongal]

Going through this now with my brother. You’re right to set boundaries. I’m sorry, it’s so hard. I hate how I dread calling my parents bc I don’t want to hear the latest and they forget to as about my family. I feel bad for them but it sucks for everyone.

[ECB]

I’m sorry. There’s not much to add. The one comment - boundaries. Remember - they are for YOU to set and YOU to stick to. It’s not about your family following them. Boundaries really have nothing to do with them. They are about you and what you need.

[Waffles]

I'm sorry. My H's brother is also the golden child despite being a very shitty brother/son and person in general.

Your parents are free to put themselves through this, just like you are free not to.

[ellipses84]

I’m glad it wasn’t bad news. I think this illustrates how manipulative your mother is. There is absolutely no reason she had to cause drama and insist on telling you important news in person when you’d have to wait several days. You are absolutely in the right to set boundaries.

[jeaniebueller]

That was their big news? Omg...

[edwardo123]

Dec 1, 2019 8:33:58 GMT -5 jeaniebueller said:

That was their big news? Omg...

I would have thought someone was dying or something based on the first conversation Wednesday. I called back that night and straight out asked if that was the case and she said no. She still wouldn't tell me over the phone, but at least said it had to do with my brother. Since we don't have any sort of relationship other than awkward small talk at the occasional extended family gathering, I was able to relax and enjoy the holiday. It did help me to see how crazy and codependent the relationship between her and my brother has become. My dad is approaching 80 and looks so sad and defeated. If it weren't for him, I would cut off my mother completely.

[dochas]

I hope the dinner was good at least. Your mother shouldn't be sad, I'm sure he'll be back much sooner than she thinks!

[flygirl]

Be careful on the girlfriend... my idiot brother had a girlfriend-and apparently was told my parents had money (which ha ha). When she found out my parents weren’t bankrolling her too, she ditched him