Unfortunately she can not be reasoned with. This is the first time I am really trying to instill boundaries and stick to it. She is very, very controlling.
You don’t have to explain or justify or get her to agree to a boundary. You tell her what it is. I know I shared in the last post about our situation and how similar it is. It’s okay to protect your husband and children from her manipulation. A relationship with you is not a right.
so much this.
“You can come visit x dates.” She pushes back? Don’t explain or argue. Less is better. She wants to know why she can’t come earlier? Just stick to “I’ve told you the dates that work for us.”
THEN bring up “i can help find a local hotel or air bnb. Which would you prefer?” She’ll want to know why she can’t stay with you. Don’t explain. Stick to “this is what works for us. If you want to come, you’ll need to stay elsewhere.” Why?! “Because that’s what works for us”.
The less you give, the less she can manipulate. She’ll still cry and try to guilt you, but remember that this is about you, your DH and your new family.
Tell her she is welcome to stay off social media until she visits but you’re an adult and will be sharing the news as you normally would. I have a ten year old and my mom doesn’t visit much and my visits with her are short. Over the years I have had to establish boundaries with my mom and she pretty much knows she can’t manipulate me now. I honestly would have very little contact with her if I didn’t have any kids.
Tell her she is welcome to stay off social media until she visits but you’re an adult and will be sharing the news as you normally would. I have a ten year old and my mom doesn’t visit much and my visits with her are short. Over the years I have had to establish boundaries with my mom and she pretty much knows she can’t manipulate me now. I honestly would have very little contact with her if I didn’t have any kids.
So much this. Her not wanting to see pics before seeing them in person is like trying to avoid Game of Thrones spoilers. Other people aren’t responsible for preventing (general) you from seeing them, it’s (general) your responsibility to stay off social if you don’t want to know. Of course you could block her entirely so she can’t see your posts if that’s easier for you than hearing her BS.
And FWIW, my in-laws will not arrive until a week after my due date, and they are super helpful. I guarantee I won’t need to cook or clean while they’re here, and will be able to hand off at least one kid to them anytime they’re awake. Helpful houseguests are welcome, but still not right away. My mom is local but again, is helpful, as well as good about not overstaying (ie asking when we want her here not just showing up); she will likely entertain DS so we can rest while baby does, but you can bet your britches that wouldn’t be happening either if she was slamming doors in his face!
Post by sunflower17 on Jan 18, 2020 23:21:20 GMT -5
And after all her antics yesterday she tried to FaceTime twice today. Nope. I have let her FT DD since this whole thing went down. I generally don’t interact with her during the FaceTime call, but she inevitably starts in with me about something every few days and I have to limit her again. The woman does not learn. I’m about 4 days out from my induction and I can’t get myself all worked up. I can’t wait to have a damn glass of wine already.
Post by sunflower17 on Jan 18, 2020 23:24:48 GMT -5
sloan, I actually restricted her on Facebook last night because she made an obnoxious comment on something I posted. It was an article on moms without a village that I felt was relatable. She said something along the lines of people are alone for a reason because of the way they act. Yes, she posted on FB for everyone to see.
sunflower17, that comment she made yesterday was totally uncalled for, like her behavior leading up to it. I'm sorry you're dealing with this when you should be focusing on this exciting time for you and your family. I agree with what the others say, set firm boundaries because it's whats best for you and any feelings she has about it are on her. I know it's easier said than done. I'm having to do something similar with my mom and I'm dreading the conversation, but I keep reminding myself it is what it is and my family comes before her wishes/feelings. Big hugs and congrats on the impending arrival!
She doesn’t need to be there for a while if she’s not going to be helpful. We didn’t host any family for a couple of months after DS was born. The situation with DD was a lot different because of the circumstances of her birth and I completely regretted having my parents around us when our stress levels were so high. Neither were particularly helpful and my mom can make anything about her. My H spent a lot of time away from me when I was recovering in the hospital because my parents just couldn’t deal with DS. Both of us were so frustrated that they even offered - we would have been better off having friends help us out. The kindest thing they did was leave almost immediately after I was discharged.
Your mother’s anxiety (because that’s what it is) is not yours to manage. She wants you to and you have to put those boundaries up or you (and your kids) will be enabling her anxiety forever.
Post by sunflower17 on Jan 19, 2020 23:44:45 GMT -5
bowies, thanks for sharing. Yes, she absolutely has anxiety (and other things like zero coping skills) and it is not managed appropriately so everything is about her and in her mind everyone should feel sorry for her. No one should have to deal with excess stress surrounding the birth of a new baby.
You should not have to deal with any of this shit.
Tell her how it is going to go. If she isn't happy with it, she's welcome to stay away. Your house, your baby, your decision. How she chose to react is not your responsibility.
Post by somersault72 on Jan 20, 2020 10:29:13 GMT -5
I hate when people ruin what should be a happy, exciting (and OK a little stressful, so let's not make it worse) time for a family. You've gotten great advice here, but I'll agree with everyone else: do what you need to do for you, your husband, and daughters. Anyone that is taking away from that does not deserve your time.
bowies , thanks for sharing. Yes, she absolutely has anxiety (and other things like zero coping skills) and it is not managed appropriately so everything is about her and in her mind everyone should feel sorry for her. No one should have to deal with excess stress surrounding the birth of a new baby.
It sounds a bit like borderline personality disorder. Folks with BPD can be very difficult to have a relationship with because they create so much chaos wherever they go.
Set the boundaries you need, just because she is your mom doesn't mean she gets to ruin this time for you.
bowies , thanks for sharing. Yes, she absolutely has anxiety (and other things like zero coping skills) and it is not managed appropriately so everything is about her and in her mind everyone should feel sorry for her. No one should have to deal with excess stress surrounding the birth of a new baby.
It sounds a bit like borderline personality disorder. Folks with BPD can be very difficult to have a relationship with because they create so much chaos wherever they go.
Set the boundaries you need, just because she is your mom doesn't mean she gets to ruin this time for you.
There are some components of BPD that could fit, but another thing I’ve read up on is narcissistic parent and I feel that many of those components fit as well.
sunflower17 yes definitely could be that. Whatever her issues are though you are not responsible for pleasing her and keeping her happy (would be impossible as she'd keep moving the goal post). Do what is right for you and your husband and kids.
Post by greenmonkey1 on Jan 20, 2020 14:53:22 GMT -5
sunflower17 Don't feel bad about restricting your Mom at all. When I was in labor with DS2, MIL was supposed to take DS1 to my sister's at a specified time. DS1 was going to have dinner there then go home with my Mom. MIL got it in her mind that she was going to introduce DS2 to DS1 and engaged in every stalling behavior to try and keep possession (for lack of a better word) of DS1. DH kept answering the phone and talking to MIL all during my labor. My labor ended up having complications and the last thing I needed was the worry about the location of my son. Apparently what finally happened was my Mom called MIL and basically told her she was coming to pick up DS1 if the kid wasn't at my sister's by X time. According to MIL, my Mom was not very nice. Tough noogies, should have followed the plan and not tried to hijak my kid! Nonetheless, when DS2 was in the NICU for a week after birth, guess who got very limited visiting time? And guess who wasn't part of the care plan for DS1 and DS2 when DS3 was born? Heck, I don't think we even called MIL when I was in labor with DS3.
My MIL makes everything more stressful. She still doesn't know about my labor complications with DS3 and she wasn't invited over while I recuperated. I cannot say DH and my relationship with her is any better and we get a lot of guilt trips for the boundaries we've set, but keeping her at arm's length is necessary for our sanity.
Good luck with your labor/delivery and everything thereafter. Family relationships are hard. Congrats on the upcoming addition to your family!
I would feel zero guilt and remorse about restricting your mom but it's been nearly a decade since I last actually spoke to my mother. She has mental health and addiction issues she refused to treat growing up and it finally broke our relationship in my early twenties when she, again, became totally unreliable and untrustworthy. I told her as much when I stopped speaking with her and for YEARS she would always reach out to me and leave me sad voicemails (usually on my birthday, thanks mom!) I finally had to text her and tell her very honestly that I love her but not having a relationship right now, on my terms, is important to me and my well being and I needed her to respect that. Her boundary-pushing was never going to bring us together but was going to make me distance myself more. She's finally seemed to get the message but I can't pull the trigger on having her in my life anymore because it's not just my life... I have DH and DD.
It sucks. It hurts. It's not always easy but boundaries are so, so important. A new baby is wonderful and exciting (and stressful!) you don't need another person making it more stressful and less joyful for you and your family. Do what is best for you and yours!
I hope you have a smooth labor, delivery and recovery!