MIL issues/WWYD

[covergirl82]

So MIL left DH a strange message the other day, asking about DS's basketball game times, but she also said something about being "very confused when she woke up and no one was there" (she lives alone).  Apparently she's sounded strange/said strange things when SIL and DH's grandpa (MIL's dad)  have talked with her recently.  DH said that MIL recently mentioned a "new best friend" from her apartment complex, which probably means the friend is a bad influence (because MIL seems to be attracted to those kinds of people).  DH and I strongly suspect that as a result of this new friendship, she's either drinking too much alcohol and it's interacting with medication she takes or she's on drugs (or could be both). 

SIL (who lives 10 hours away) called DH yesterday wanting DH to take MIL to an inpatient psych/addiction center (at least for an evaluation), but DH (who doesn't have a close relationship with MIL) doesn't feel he needs to get involved beyond a check-in phone call or visit to MIL (she lives 10 minutes away from us) and that she is an adult and should be responsible to make her own decisions and also accept any consequences for her decisions.  (I understand where he's coming from based on his relationship with his mom, but I don't think he's fully considering that she may not be in her right mind, and therefore not capable of making sound, responsible decisions.)  I'm concerned that if MIL is drinking/on drugs to the point she is that confused, that she could hurt herself or someone else if she decides to drive under the influence.  DH's grandpa claims that it's not his responsibility to do anything, that DH and SIL are responsible, even though grandpa/dad was responsible for enabling MIL's bad decisions (and bailing her out) for 15+ years (as long as I've known DH).  I do feel that if SIL is that concerned, she could try to come up for a weekend to assess the situation.

Any words of wisdom on this or WWYD?  Has anyone dealt with this before with a close family member?  

[mommyatty]

Generally, you can’t have someone involuntarily committed to a treatment center unless they are an immediate threat to themselves or others. What you’re describing isn’t it. If she were threatening suicide or waving a knife around at a family reunion, you’d probably (but not definitely) have a case.

Since it’s your H, I’d stay out of it. It’s his call how involved he wants to be and feels he can be while protecting his own mental health. People who don’t come from screwed up parents with mental health issues (diagnosed or not) just can never grasp what a tightrope it is to still be a good human who cares for his or her parents and also not fall headfirst into the crazy.

[waverly]

I think your DH could potentially take her to see her general practitioner. But I do think an inpatient psych/ addiction center would be difficult unless she was on board with it. He could ask, but I don't know/ think she would agree. So the regular GP for just a normal routine check up might be an easier sell. And rule out other health issues.

[erinshelley21]

If SIL has a closer relationship with her and is concerned, then she should be the one to take her to an evaluation. If your H has an already strained relationship with his mom then suggesting she has a drug or alcohol problem is only going to complicate it more. Nothing irritates me more when one sibling makes demands to another sibling about a parents care from several hours away. My aunt did this ALL the time.

A visit to see her would be enough I think. I would encourage him to go but not pressure him if it was my DH.

[mustardseed2007]

I was thinking about him taking her to see her doctor as well because it sounds like dementia, so it has to be the context of her age and previous behavior that is making you think it's drugs and alcohol I'm assuming? I would take my H's lead on this.

[covergirl82]

erinshelley21 , SIL wanting DH to do that, while she sits comfortably 10 hours away, does irritate me. She hasn't come to visit in years; she wants everyone to come visit them. Her reasoning/excuse has been having 4 kids (which I completely understood when the youngest two were babies), but now the youngest is 2.5 years old and the oldest is 9 (and is helpful), so she could feasibly come for a weekend (by herself and leave the kids with BIL) if she was that concerned.

DH has no reservations about asking his mom if she's on drugs (she has at a minimum smoked pot in the past (it showed up on a work injury screening around 10 years ago) and her second husband was into drugs (pot at a minimum, but I thought DH said cocaine too)). She would probably get offended and defensive, but he wouldn't really care. He'd be like, "ok, well, I tried."

When it comes to DH's parents, the time I step in is when it impacts our kids. (For example, given how MIL is acting, she is no longer allowed to babysit. We only had her babysit as a last-resort in the past few years. She wasn't allowed to babysit at all until DD was about 5.)

[sdlaura]

How old is she? FIL has developed dementia and that was my first thought, but we wouldn't think alcohol or drugs would be an issue for him.

[186momx]

It really is in your H's court on what he wants to do. He can suggest and even drive his mom to a doctor for a check up but she can refuse and he has no say. I would tell SIL the next time she calls if she is that worried she can either A: come check on mom herself or B: call for a senior welfare check with the non-emergency police or senior services. Your H can just say when I talk to mom she says all is fine in the world other than she wants $$ or whatever she normally wants.

DH buried his head in the sand when it came to his dad. DH's brother dealt with him a lot the last year of FIL's life. Neither of the boys lived close to FIL so they did a lot of senior welfare checks for a number of reasons. FIL wasn't answering his phone, he answered and seemed delirious/drunk, and the best hostile behavior over the phone. I felt really bad for BIL who was dealing with the brunt because my DH really just buried his head and said all was great. DH went to visit him one weekend and just drove his dad around all weekend, took him to multiple liquor stores, and came home saying that dad was just being dad and fine. Family stuff is sometimes crazy and hard especially when you have a rotten relationship anyways.

[rere]

The hardest thing is to deal with an adult relative who may be sick or making bad choices, because they are an adult and you cant make them do anything. They have to choose their course until the time comes they cant. If your Dh can be blunt and ask her, I would. A check up wouldn't hurt. In my experience the out of town siblings can live in a la la land if they choose. Those years dad was sick I would often blow and say I should have moved 12 hours away like my brother so I can bury my head in the sand.

[ECB]

I think your DH needs to do what he's comfortable doing. If he doesn't want to do it/ isn't comfortable, he'll only be going through the motions anyhow and won't REALLY be the help/support that his sister wants him to be.

The fact that she hasn't visited in YEARS is pretty telling. It's easy to dictate what to do when you aren't living it. If it's THAT important to her, she can make at least ONE preliminary trip to try and determine what's going on.