I quit from parenting.

[sangria]

DD 8 and DD 6 are fighting CONSTANTLY. They will play nicely together for a short time but it never takes long to devolve into fighting, yelling, crying etc. It's been especially bad lately and it's maddening. Also, these are not arguments even remotely worth having. They escalate arguments about what game to play, they scream at the top of their lungs when the other one doesn't respond fast enough. 

Tell me what parenting book I need to read. Tell me what intersection I can drop them at where someone will take them. Tell me what alcohol I can drink that will cause selective deafness to children's voices. 

They are currently fighting over who didn't put away whose scooter on CHRISTMAS DAY. DA FUQ? They can't remember the 47 times I told them to pick up the play room within the last hour but they sure as shit remember what the other said 6 months ago on a Tuesday afternoon at 2:45. 

Ughhhhhhh. 

[cleo29]

Mine are 10 and 8 and we are in the same place. When they get along, it is great, but the fighting is starting to drive me batty.

I wish I had answers for you, but wanted you to know I feel ya!

[InBetweenDays]

Well, someone recommended to us the book Siblings Without Rivalry. Which is a great book but has not helped me one bit to curb the arguing of our kids (DD 13.5, DS almost 11). I'm sure it's user error so it could be worth checking out.

Other than that I'm just here to commiserate.

[isabel]

I mean, my kids are 2 and 4, so I guess take this for what it's worth, but I send them to their rooms and tell them they're not allowed to come out for a good 15 minutes when they get like this. I seriously can't deal and it doesn't matter if I tell them to play separately, they won't do it. So to their rooms they go so I don't have to listen to the incessant whining about toy stealing and getting into one another's space.

[isabel]

Also, maybe this will make you laugh.

[Patsy Baloney]

My dad always yelled, "GET SEPARATED," and my mom would send each of us on a different walking path around our neighborhood, where we would inevitably cross over and fight it out on the street to get the last word.

But at least she didn't hear it.

This started at an early age. When I was still too little to walk around the neighborhood on my own, my mom would send me out with a number of laps to walk around the house.

In summation, I hate exercise, but I love not fighting with my brothers, so this seems to be a somewhat successful method of separating the fighters.

[devonpow]

I have no advice. I can only tell you that I once threw a steak knife at my sister mid fight. Another time I threw a full jar of mustard - with no lid on (over carpet...not good). She tied me to a tree in the front yard - and then left me. And we are now quite close as adults!!

[gummybear]

I commiserate. My 12 and 8 year old fight over everything. Constantly trying to get under each other's skin.

[jlt19]

9 and 7 here. No different. DD's therapist recommended each parent spending 10 solo minutes a day with each kid. Even if it's driving to a practice or running an errand. Bump it to 20 if feasible. She said you'd be shocked what some daily one on one time can do. Often their fights are fighting for your attention and that little bit helps.

Now we tried for like a day because we're the most inconsistent people ever so I can't say of it helps. But my kids are far nicer to each other after having come from being away from one another so I could see it.

[dock]

Jan 21, 2020 17:54:19 GMT -5 jlt19 said:

9 and 7 here. No different. DD's therapist recommended each parent spending 10 solo minutes a day with each kid. Even if it's driving to a practice or running an errand. Bump it to 20 if feasible. She said you'd be shocked what some daily one on one time can do. Often their fights are fighting for your attention and that little bit helps.

Now we tried for like a day because we're the most inconsistent people ever so I can't say of it helps. But my kids are far nicer to each other after having come from being away from one another so I could see it.

My DS’ behavior group said the same thing - 10 min daily of child-directed one-on-one time, ideally playing or something they enjoy/choose. We’ve only done it a handful of times because it just came up last week, but every time he was like a different kid, at least for a few hours lol, and said on more than occasion “today is the best day!”

Otherwise I’ve got nothing, DD is still new enough that they don’t fight yet (but DS makes up for it on his own many days).

[joenali]

Jan 21, 2020 17:49:13 GMT -5 devonpow said:

I have no advice. I can only tell you that I once threw a steak knife at my sister mid fight. Another time I threw a full jar of mustard - with no lid on (over carpet...not good). She tied me to a tree in the front yard - and then left me. And we are now quite close as adults!!

My brother and I were very similar. Knife and all. I once threw a loaf of bread at him and it shattered a wall sconce. All because he wouldn’t drive me to school and I needed a ride because I missed the bus.

[readyin07]

This is a huge struggle with us right now with 10 and 8yo DS. It ramped up maybe a year and a half ago (coincidentally when Ds 3 became mobile) and it is just miserable. They are great and then they fight and it always devolves into hitting and name calling and crying. I won’t even go into it, but I am really unhappy now because of it.

[fivechickens]

My kids have started fighting via notes. At least it is much more quiet. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Deleted]

I’d love to tell you that it gets better but mine are 13 and 11 (almost 12) and it is constant. It makes me freaking crazy.

[sonrisa]

I was once given the following advice:

Start each day/week with a full pie chart. Every time either kid "disturbs the peace" take a piece out. When it's empty, both kids get a consequence (no tv for rest of week, whatever). It forces them to work together toward family harmony.

I haven't tried it yet - in fact this post reminded me of that advice. We should probably try it.

[cinderbella]

My girls are 12 and 9 and pretty much hate each other. Or, more specifically, the 12 year old hates the 9 year old for breathing/talking/living.

I wish I had answers for you.

[gummybear]

Jan 21, 2020 19:10:44 GMT -5 cinderbella said:

My girls are 12 and 9 and pretty much hate each other. Or, more specifically, the 12 year old hates the 9 year old for breathing/talking/living.

I wish I had answers for you.

YES
The eye rolling and nastiness.

[twilightmv]

My ideas are probably bad but they work for my almost 6 year old and 7.5 year olds.

Sometimes I say get along or mom picks an activity/show/etc and I’m going to pick something lame

Sometimes I tell them to hug each other and call each other the name of the cutest nickname they can think of. This usually makes them laugh.

Sometimes they need space and I’ll make them each pick a separate activity until they are ready to play together again

Caveats that my boys are young and goofy and generally get along, so they are not in hormonal/Machiavellian teen years.

[dochas]

Jan 21, 2020 19:00:23 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

I was once given the following advice:

Start each day/week with a full pie chart. Every time either kid "disturbs the peace" take a piece out. When it's empty, both kids get a consequence (no tv for rest of week, whatever). It forces them to work together toward family harmony.

I haven't tried it yet - in fact this post reminded me of that advice. We should probably try it.

One of my brothers was a giant asshole. I hate the idea of punishing someone for another's behavior. 

I have no advice. I have 5 siblings and had only 1 child, because I have no idea how you stop it. It's surprising how vicious siblings can be to one another.

[penelope]

I have no answers but I will say that the day will come that it will stop. I locked my two boys outside and let them fight it out in the front yard. There was torn clothing and blood more than once. They hit their teen years and things improved greatly and even turned supportive of one another. Now at 19 and 16 they are best friends.

I kicked my brother in the face with a pair of my moms wooden clogs. We are not best friends but we hit a point of being too concerned with friends and whatever other teen obsessions came along and we just didn’t care about the other one anymore. At least not in the context of freaking out because the other one was breathing too loud. (Yes, my kids actually had a fight because one of them refused to stop breathing. 😂). We became self absorbed teens and my bro became too cool to bother with me.

Either way it will end.

[waverly]

I read Siblings without rivalry, and my main takeaway was teach conflict resolution through discussion and role play. My other takeaway is if both kids are fighting over a toy then no one gets it. I take it away.

Also try not to let them pull you in to take sides. Don’t compare kids to each other.

My mom did this when I was a kid so I tried it for a couple of months and I think it was helpful. Basically if they got through the day with no fighting or minimal fighting then they got a quarter and could save their money to buy something. You could do a different reward if money is controversial for you. I’ve done other reward charts before so this was just something to be different from what I did in the past. They said it was helpful. Kids were 9 and 6, they are 9 and 7 now.

[nsl]

My boys are 9 and 12, and last summer I started making them stay in separate spaces (not a time out--they're allowed to move around freely so long as they aren't in the same room) for 10-15 minutes at a stretch once the bickering started. They're quite close, but it's like they can't recognize that they need a break when they start getting on one another's nerves and need me to interrupt the cycle. They usually get wrapped up in doing something independently by the time my enforced separation period ends, and then within the hour they're ready to play together again.

[isabel]

Jan 21, 2020 19:00:23 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

I was once given the following advice:

Start each day/week with a full pie chart. Every time either kid "disturbs the peace" take a piece out. When it's empty, both kids get a consequence (no tv for rest of week, whatever). It forces them to work together toward family harmony.

I haven't tried it yet - in fact this post reminded me of that advice. We should probably try it.

This would be so bad. DS1 would do everything in his power to stop getting consequences and DS2 would continue to give no fucks and keep getting pieces of the pie taken away. Sounds like a recipe for serious resentment on the part of my oldest kid.

[Que?]

Start declaring winners in their ridiculous arguments. Maybe they’ll be so confused they’ll just stop, or realize there is no winner.
Lol, I only have one kid.

[calmcosmo]

Jan 21, 2020 17:22:34 GMT -5 InBetweenDays said:

Well, someone recommended to us the book Siblings Without Rivalry. Which is a great book but has not helped me one bit to curb the arguing of our kids (DD 13.5, DS almost 11). I'm sure it's user error so it could be worth checking out.

Other than that I'm just here to commiserate.

I read that book and it helped with toddlers but I’m not sure it would be as useful now (my kids are 9 and 10 now).

[cville]

I can't tell if this thread makes me feel better because I'm not alone, or worse because there seem to be no solutions.

Siblings Without Rivalry doesn't work if your kids are sarcastic mofos who "role play" using annoying, exaggerated voices to act out their "part." Ask me how I know. We separate them a lot. And, although this makes me feel like the House Democrats presenting an airtight case to Senate Republicans who refuse to listen, I remind them repeatedly what behavior is not okay and why.

[SusanBAnthony]

Jan 21, 2020 20:11:48 GMT -5 dochas said:

Jan 21, 2020 19:00:23 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

I was once given the following advice:

Start each day/week with a full pie chart. Every time either kid "disturbs the peace" take a piece out. When it's empty, both kids get a consequence (no tv for rest of week, whatever). It forces them to work together toward family harmony.

I haven't tried it yet - in fact this post reminded me of that advice. We should probably try it.

One of my brothers was a giant asshole. I hate the idea of punishing someone for another's behavior. 

I have no advice. I have 5 siblings and had only 1 child, because I have no idea how you stop it. It's surprising how vicious siblings can be to one another.

One child is the main problem for us so.o won't do this.

What did do is make a rule that they get ten tally marks for being mean/obnoxious/etc. If they get to ten in a day, they lose screentime. It has been nipping it in the bud, mostly. But only when we are around. Yesterday they walked home together and apparently fought the whole way.

I also send them to seperate bedrooms. Their rooms are down a hall and they fight on the way. So now I have to send them to seperate bedrooms, seperately. FML.

Mine have plenty of time apart because of staggered school schedules and they still fight.

[dochas]

Jan 22, 2020 7:22:42 GMT -5 SusanBAnthony said:

Jan 21, 2020 20:11:48 GMT -5 dochas said:

One of my brothers was a giant asshole. I hate the idea of punishing someone for another's behavior. 

I have no advice. I have 5 siblings and had only 1 child, because I have no idea how you stop it. It's surprising how vicious siblings can be to one another.

One child is the main problem for us so.o won't do this.

What did do is make a rule that they get ten tally marks for being mean/obnoxious/etc. If they get to ten in a day, they lose screentime. It has been nipping it in the bud, mostly. But only when we are around. Yesterday they walked home together and apparently fought the whole way.

I also send them to seperate bedrooms. Their rooms are down a hall and they fight on the way. So now I have to send them to seperate bedrooms, seperately. FML.

Mine have plenty of time apart because of staggered school schedules and they still fight.

I'm so sorry. My sister's two boys fought endlessly. I spent a lot of time with them, but I was still only the aunt and honestly - imagining living with two kids doing what they did had a lot to do with having just one. It was that bad. I loved them both dearly, but you couldn't take your eyes off of them. They never stopped. They are friends as adults, but it drove my sister crazy.

I remember her having a jar for a while that they had to put a quarter in every time they said something bad to each other. It worked a little bit, but again - only when she was right there to hear it. But at least it did bring a little peace. 

[isabel]

Jan 22, 2020 7:22:08 GMT -5 cville said:

I can't tell if this thread makes me feel better because I'm not alone, or worse because there seem to be no solutions.

Siblings Without Rivalry doesn't work if your kids are sarcastic mofos who "role play" using annoying, exaggerated voices to act out their "part." Ask me how I know. We separate them a lot. And, although this makes me feel like the House Democrats presenting an airtight case to Senate Republicans who refuse to listen, I remind them repeatedly what behavior is not okay and why.

Liking for your political analogy.

[InBetweenDays]

Jan 22, 2020 5:54:17 GMT -5 calmcosmo said:

Jan 21, 2020 17:22:34 GMT -5 InBetweenDays said:

Well, someone recommended to us the book Siblings Without Rivalry. Which is a great book but has not helped me one bit to curb the arguing of our kids (DD 13.5, DS almost 11). I'm sure it's user error so it could be worth checking out.

Other than that I'm just here to commiserate.

I read that book and it helped with toddlers but I’m not sure it would be as useful now (my kids are 9 and 10 now).

Maybe that's why it hasn't helped 😊 I read it a long time ago.