If you married someone who already had kid(s)

[cleo29]

OK, I don't have experience here, but I would say I want to date someone who does not introduce me to their kids right away. I would want someone that saves that for something that is serious or getting there and is careful where their kids are concerned.

And, I think this is something you might just have to see how things go. There are most likely a lot of really great men out there, who have kids, and are worth the time.

[cleo29]

melmaria,I bet she loves you more than you, and maybe her, realize. She might be at an age where she can't admit that without feeling like it is betraying her mom. I think with time, and maturity, that can change.

[cleo29]

Jan 24, 2020 18:46:55 GMT -5 melmaria said:

Jan 24, 2020 18:38:35 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

melmaria ,I bet she loves you more than you, and maybe her, realize. She might be at an age where she can't admit that without feeling like it is betraying her mom. I think with time, and maturity, that can change.

Thank you. That may be, but even if it doesn’t happen I will be ok. I know blended family circumstances are tough (while my parents are still married, my mom is my sister’s stepmom and so I have some firsthand sense of how complicated things can get). So I just try to be grateful for the relationship we do have!

I have several friends, that as adults especially, got closer to their step-parents and were able to see all the great things they did for them and how much love they were shown. Like ti said, I think kids will always feel protective of their parents and maybe feel like loving you a lot somehow takes that away from what she feels for her mom.

You sound like a good egg to me.

[suzyp]

I know it's not your question exactly, but when I met my husband, he was divorced, 40, and had no children. (I was 30, never marrid and also had no kids.) this was 15 years ago and I met him when I sat next to him at bar, so it was not online, but there are kidless men out there who are not awful assholes and in what I think is your age range. (Someone told my husband he'd never get married because he didn't want kids and all woman wanted kids..okay...)

[devonpow]

I’ll speak from a step kid experience My dad remarried when I was 12. My stepmom didn’t have kids and they never had kids together. I don’t think she ever really desired kids of her own.

My dad soon after relocated to Florida (I lived in California) so we were there all summer and 2 weeks over school break each year. My older sister and I definitely gave my stepmom shit at first. Not terrible - but not great. We were teenage girls and obnoxious. But we figured out how great she was in late teens early twenties and we are all very close now. I love her the same as a biological parent. And she and my dad have been married for over 30 years so it was good for everyone

[cleo29]

Jan 24, 2020 18:58:22 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

Jan 24, 2020 18:53:43 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

I have several friends, that as adults especially, got closer to their step-parents and were able to see all the great things they did for them and how much love they were shown. Like ti said, I think kids will always feel protective of their parents and maybe feel like loving you a lot somehow takes that away from what she feels for her mom.

You sound like a good egg to me.

I think to be happy as a stepmom, you have to be ok with giving your love and support freely and getting very little in return. If you get a close relationship back then that’s great, but you have to go into it with no expectations.

Oh I agree. I had friends that had rough relationships with their step-parent at first. Sometimes it was due to how the relationship started (an affair) or that they clearly favored their own child in a way that was incredibly hurtful. But even now, things are better. Maybe not crazy love fest, but a mutual respect.

I guess my point is, nothing is set in stone and going in with realistic expectations is key.

[wanderingback]

Jan 24, 2020 18:58:22 GMT -5 suzyp said:

I know it's not your question exactly, but when I met my husband, he was divorced, 40, and had no children. (I was 30, never marrid and also had no kids.) this was 15 years ago and I met him when I sat next to him at bar, so it was not online, but there are kidless men out there who are not awful assholes and in what I think is your age range. (Someone told my husband he'd never get married because he didn't want kids and all woman wanted kids..okay...)

Yes I was going to say something similar.

OP if you're just starting out dating obviously it's good to be realistic, but don't feel like you have to settle/compromise.
I started dating again in my early 30s. I did a combo of meeting people in-person by just doing things alone and not being afraid to talk to people and online dating. When I was searching online I set my preferences to men without kids and was open to dating men in their 40s. I like you was noticing that a lot of men had kids, but I was like nope, don't want to deal with that at the moment, so I didn't. I've now been with my SO for over 5 years and we started dating when he was in his early 40s and he doesn't have kids.

Also in regards to your comment about kids that have moved out, as you seem to think that might be easier/better. Well obviously in a way it can be as you wouldn't be around the child as much. However, for example, my dad has been with a woman for awhile now (I think 6 years?) and her daughter is moved out of the house. But there is SO MUCH drama with her and it seriously seems to be affecting my dad. I really feel bad for him because he's in his early 60s dealing with this drama from his partner's daughter and he's at an age where I really don't think he should have to be dealing with that nonsense.

So anyway, my point being if you don't want to date someone with kids, and you're just starting out on the dating scene, then I think it's absolutely possible to stick with your conviction of not wanting to date someone with kids. 

[cleo29]

I just looked it up, because I figured there has to be something, but there are some childfree dating sites and apps. Some are filters you set, I think. I would maybe look into one of those or see if there is a social meet up group like that near you.

I agree with not settling.

[joenali]

I married DH when his son was three. He was not in a relationship with his son’s mother. We’ve had some drama, but when all is said and done it’s not been that bad. Just some disagreements here and there. DH and I unfortunately have not been able to have kids ourselves and I absolutely adore my ss.

[CurlyQ284]

I had a rough go it for a variety of reasons but it has been great for the last 5 years or so. I would say backing off and having him be the primary parent was the biggest factor in improving things. I care about the girls and he doesnt parent the way I think he should sometimes but in the end it's between him and his ex how the girls turn out. Backing out of the situation has resulted in less tension all the way around.

I've been part of online blended family communities over the years and I would say the biggest red flag is if the guy has kids and doesn't see them. And I don't mean lives long distance for work reasons or something, if they still take all their time and make an effort that is one thing. I mean like they have a lot of excuses for not taking their visitation time with their kids. Definitely don't waste your time on those guys.

[chocolatelove]

I met DH when SD1 was 11 and SD2 was 20 months and married when the girls were 13 and 3. To just date someone with kids, I recommend waiting awhile to meet them. We waited 3 months; I don’t think we had any negative effects, but I would recommend waiting longer, which was originally my plan! From there, we still focused more on doing things as a couple but around 6-9 months, we started doing more with the girls. DH told me to be more friend / someone to look up to at that point.

As we got engaged / living together / married, I sloooowly took on more of a parent role (not replacing mom though). SD1 is with us full time, and there are certain topics, decisions, and punishments that I defer to DH on. There are things that I would not have allowed her to do, but she already does them, so I have to find peace with it. I can’t come in and tell her she has to change things that she’s been allowed to do for years. We share custody of SD2, but I’ve been around so long for her that I am basically a third parent for her. And I am writing this while snuggling with our sleeping 6 week old. 🥰

The nature of step-parenting involves kids who have been traumatized in someway - some more than others, depending on the situation. It is tough, and I am very lucky that both SDs embrace and love me in the way they have (both call me mom). But I still get rejected and pushed away at various times. It’s hard to not take it personal, but you can’t. SD1’s bio mom is not in the picture, but we deal with the hurt and anxiety from the abandonment on a daily basis (SD2’s mom also rejected SD1 when she and DH got divorced). SD2’s mom tries to interfere with SD2’s relationship with her dad, and it is maddening.
I don’t understand how someone can treat their child so poorly.

It’s an art to manage the stress of a blended family.... but I also say that all of my accomplishments finally feel like they are worth something now that I have DH, SD1 and SD2 to share them with. They give me purpose and my life meaning. I would be so lost without them.

[wildrice]

Do you want kids of your own? Do you envision your ideal life as being part of a family that includes kids to be raised? I'd recommend getting clear to yourself what your goals are around kids in your life, first (not sure from your OP what your preference is). If you arent otherwise interested in kids, i think it's ok to exclude dating men who have them. Sure, it narrows your pool of prospects, but I don't think the goal should be to be open to everyone anyway - dating as an adult is an opportunity to seek someone who truly fits you and enhances your lifestyle.

I had similar concerns when I started dating after divorce, but I didn't end up having trouble finding men who didnt have kids. So, i agree you do not have to settle.

[sadlebred]

Another POV is that it is entirely ok to not want to date someone with kids of any age.

[kooshball]

Not married but we live together with his almost 17 year old. He got full custody a year after we started dating. It’s hard. Teenagers are really hard. We have a reasonable relationship but there are quite a few days where I don’t like her much. Some is me, more is her. She is a good kid but holy crap she won’t stop arguing. Last week she called Obama a war criminal. In the time I have dated him, she has gone from a red piller / men’s rights person to a Bernie bro. It’s hard. No lie. But it’s worth it.

His relationship with his ex is really bad but the court ordered a coparenting counselor which has helped a lot. His ex has to follow rules or gets a talking too. Full custody also helped of course. She gets 3 hours a week and 1 over night a week and that’s it. No holidays or weeks in the summer. 

[sunflower17]

Jan 24, 2020 18:25:23 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

OK, I don't have experience here, but I would say I want to date someone who does not introduce me to their kids right away. I would want someone that saves that for something that is serious or getting there and is careful where their kids are concerned.

And, I think this is something you might just have to see how things go. There are most likely a lot of really great men out there, who have kids, and are worth the time.

Same, no experience, but I agree with this.
Before I met H and I had kids, I dating and was of an age where it was half and half kids/no kids. I wanted kids of my own and was very leery of similar things OP mentioned. Now that I have kids, if I ended up alone I would want to date someone who was accepting of my children and I would be much more willing to be accepting of their kid(s) and situation.

[sonrisa]

I want to chime in that not only are there men out there who are childfree by choice, there are also childfree, single men who want kids. The men in my family (in my generation) who wanted kids all found their life partners in their early forties. (The only one who married young is childfree by choice

[wise_rita]

I'm surprised by the number of bio moms in this thread who don't have primary custody. It's definitely not what I see IRL.

[verycontrary247]

I did not end up marrying someone with kids, but I was in the dating pool for a while after my divorce.

Kids were not an immediate deal breaker for me. Things that were important if they had kids:

1. They wanted more children. Having kids is important to me.

2. They had an established co-parenting plan/routine. I didn't want to date someone in the middle of custody drama.

3. They weren't ultra gung-ho about me meeting said kids asap. I was not trying to be a mommy figure when I don't know how committed I am to their father.

4. They couldn't be a deadbeat. Have to be involved in their kids lives actively and paying child support.

5. I also prefer if kids were older (like 10+).

[jamaicam]

I'll write from another side - I am a single mum due to being a widow.

I have a partner now who's lived with me and my boys for a year now. He doesn't have kids of his own but wanted them - however he is nearly 50 and I am 40 with medical issues which mean more kids isn't going to happen. Is it easy? Of course not. But being a parent never is. If you don't want children, then don't feel it is something you have to settle for. You wouldn't be forced to have children by an existing partner, so you shouldn't be 'forced' to them them bu someone you are dating!

[aprilsails]

Jan 25, 2020 6:37:38 GMT -5 wise_rita said:

I'm surprised by the number of bio moms in this thread who don't have primary custody. It's definitely not what I see IRL.

The only single parents I know are men solo parenting. One was a widow, and two others had their girlfriends walk out. In both those cases they were pregnant and had kids far too young. The dads got stable jobs, and the moms disappeared one day (one case suspected drug abuse, another one she moved across the country when her affair partner was deployed elsewhere).

You never know!

[nomad100]

I am now divorced but I, no kids, married a man with kids. They were 8, 9, and 11 when we married.

I can say that his kids did contribute to our already existing issues in a pretty major way, though not until they were adults. xYSS moved in after he was kicked out of his mom's house and was basically a lump for as long as he lived with us and his dad did nothing. It didn't matter that he was disrespectful of our things, my dog or vehicles. No meaningful response from ExH. ExH also tried to move his oldest in when he was actively using with no plan other than "I will help him figure it out" even after I said he couldn't bring xOSS into the house if he was using and he agreed. We fought a lot during that time and ended up separating shortly after xYSS moved out and the xOSS debacle.

So fair warning that it can be easier when they are younger kids. Things were fine through HS but after that? Total shitshow.

[themoneytree]

I have a 7 year old and I am marrying a man with a 14 year old.

It’s been really challenging - she’s with us 80% of the time - stays with her mom a couple of nights every other week. It’s been a lot but things have improved a lot since they moved in during the summer.
We did take a full 2+ years taking things very slowly with the kids. Kept them apart almost entirely for a year and then once or twice a week for dinner for another year.
Soon to be step daughter has also been in therapy the whole time and things also improved a lot when she went on anxiety and ADHD meds. She’s doing much better since changing schools and spending less time with her mom which is actually really sad. I also thought she would be 50/50 with her mom so her being here so much more has been an adjustment.

We all went to Europe together for most of the summer and that was SO helpful. We really got to know each other and it was all on neutral territory.

It’s been really good for 6 months now. I really hope it lasts.

[kooshball]

Pdq. He finally got custody after bio mom was running down a very busy street naked and put in the hospital for a few weeks.