Q2 for the day: How long until you bond with new pet?

[jlt19]

We're doing a week trial with a second dog this week. He's been really great. No chewing up stuff, no accidents, very well behaved though a bit playful for my dog's tastes.

We decided I wouldn't baby him at first like I do with Pickles because I want him to not be as "glued" to me as she is. Let someone else get the love.

But it's making me just "meh" about him. There's nothing wrong with him at all, I'm just not feeling it. And DD isn't either. She said she feels bad because Pickles isn't getting all of the attention anymore. But it's been a whopping 2 days.

We at one time had 3 dogs, so I know we can have more than one. And DD, whom Pickles is not a fan, is loving the new guy.

DH isn't overly thrilled because new guy is sleeping with him (we sleep separate) and hasn't slept well the first two nights.

This is all normal, right? I have no doubt if we passed, he'd get a great home. He's young, potty trained and small. But I have a lot of guilt even considering it.

[wambam]

I say this with a giant caveat that bringing Kappy home was the catalyst for what ended up being a severe depressive episode.

It was a good three months before he felt like mine and six months until we were “glued.”

[waverly]

6 months.

[Leeham Rimes]

Our dog (6 months old at the time) came with a boatload of problems which we were never told about, so it took us a good 3-4 months to not have total regret. He’s a great dog and since I’ve been working with him on his issues, they’re almost all gone except stealing food from counters.

You’re gonna need to give it time. Probably a lot. You’ll get there.

[Leeham Rimes]

also, not babying him may not even work. I’ve found that dogs cling to the people that do the most for them. Even with my dogs that I sit for, they love love love me bc I’m the one doing all the work. I’m having x take over any of the dog chores that he’s old enough for and guess what, the dog loves him as much as me.

[jlt19]

This all makes me feel better. I guess I just don't remember this ever happening with a dog. I do remember it happening with my daughter though, lol. But I didn't really have an option to give her back.

[wambam]

Jan 27, 2020 13:41:36 GMT -5 jlt19 said:

This all makes me feel better. I guess I just don't remember this ever happening with a dog. I do remember it happening with my daughter though, lol. But I didn't really have an option to give her back.

This is in my top 5 reasons for being childfree and I'm not even kidding. 

Two years in, Kappy is everything to me. He was meant to be mine. 

[cattledogkisses]

Blue dog was so long ago that I can't really remember, but when we adopted red dog last year for the first couple of weeks it just was kind of like, "Ok, you're an animal that lives in my house now and that's cool I guess." It was probably a month or two before I felt really bonded and knew that I'd fallen head over heels for her.

So, yeah, IME it's normal to feel "meh" after only 2 days. It does take some time for that bond to develop, even with the right dog.

[kooshball]

Like 1 day with my kitten but she came potty trained and insanely cute so that helped.

[icedcoffee]

Jan 27, 2020 13:38:49 GMT -5 Leeham Rimes said:

also, not babying him may not even work. I’ve found that dogs cling to the people that do the most for them. Even with my dogs that I sit for, they love love love me bc I’m the one doing all the work. I’m having x take over any of the dog chores that he’s old enough for and guess what, the dog loves him as much as me.

See...I find dogs typically love the person in the room who likes them the least.  I am obsessed with my dog.  He couldn't give a shit about me.  He loves my H most (who says he hates him, but he doesn't really), my dad (who actually does hates him) and my good friend (who is terrified of dogs and hates him).

He does come to me first when he doesn't feel well...so I guess there's that?

Dogs are assholes.

I think it probably took us 6 months to get into the swing of things with our dog.  Love the little jerk.

ETA: It probably doesn't help that I like hugging him and using him as a pillow. 

[wildrice]

I'd give it at least a few weeks. I can't recall exactly but when I got a second dog I know at first I felt like i had made a huge mistake. Eventually he was my baby and I wouldn't have traded him for anything.

I think I bonded with my first dog and with my current cat much more quickly, but they were both obtained after desperately longing for them for years, lol. I think it's different adding a second pet when you have to deal with shifting dynamics and the big changes that come along with that.

If this dog seems like a good fit otherwise, I'd just be patient.

[ChillyMcFreeze]

From cat experience, it can take a while. It honestly took me almost a year to really connect with one of ours. TBF, we got her too soon after a loss for me to be emotionally ready, but I was really worried after 6 months that it would never happen.

[flygirl]

I’d say at least a month.

[fivechickens]

kooshball that second picture made my day!

I rescued a second cat (S) in part to keep my other cat (H) company while I was at work. I had a strong bond with H from the beginning of finding him but S was much harder to bond with. She was so sweet but very timid and would hide a lot so it made it a lot harder for me to bond with. I liked her enough in the beginning (I mean she was a cute animal whats not to like) and H enjoyed her company so that was good enough.

I would say it was a good year before I felt love for her but we never had the same bond I did with H.

[lessel]

Between DH and I, I was definitely the one pushing to get a second dog. And then a few days after we got her I was very much resenting her presence. She was already house- and crate-trained. Got along well with our other dog. But she just kind of upset the routine and groove we'd all been in for years. It took awhile to bond with her and not feel like she was getting in between me and dog #1. I'd say the first month was really hard and then one day she was just part of the family and I couldn't imagine not having her.

[cbwm1]

We truly disliked our second dog when we brought her home. But a lot of that is our own fault because we had expectations of her based on our first dog and that was REALLY unfair to her. Our first dog was a dream to house train and obedience train, etc. The second dog was a nightmare.

That said, it took about 4-6 months before we were like OMG we’re idiots, this is our fault for projecting and once we realized that, she became the sweet idiot that we’re 100% obsessed with four years later.

[redheadbaker]

I kind of resented Carl when H (then my boyfriend) suggested we foster him. Reese was still recovering from being attacked by my previous foster dog. I had bonded with that foster dog and had to request that he be euthanized for severe aggression, so I was still grieving from that. I'd say it took several months before I really bonded with him. And now he's my heart dog.

But that was my situation and yours could be totally different.

[circa1978]

I am an enormous dog freak, so I feel like I bond with them from the very first second. I also tend to be the person the dog "imprints" on, so other people in my family - say my kid - are still not as thrilled as I am about our year-old puppy.

I do think can also be normal to have a "oh god, what have I done" and that also it can be a timing thing. I was ready for a new dog but after our cat Abigail died last year, I feel like I'm never ever going to be ready for a cat and would not bond with one, even though DH and DS really want one.

[lucybrown]

I felt a bond with my cat almost instantly. It took at least a month, probably longer with our puppy. I didn't have any kids to compare at the time, but I had a fairly significant depressive episode afterward that looked a lot like the PPD I experienced after my kids. It took us 3ish weeks to pick out a name because I just wasn't feeling all that attached. I cried a lot and questioned the decision to get a dog.

12 years later, this dog is my favorite creature in all the land. He loves us all, but is most attached to whoever walks and feeds him.

[Nonny]

It took me a while with my 16.5 year old kitty. She came to us a kitten too young to be taken from her mom (my MIL picked her out for us and the people she got her from lied about her age), and we spent her first couple of months trying to get her fully worm/parasite free.  As I was cleaning up my umpteenth pile of liquid cat poo all I could think was, "What have I done," but once she got healthy she's been my cuddle buddy every since.  Now I think "What am I going to do when she's gone?" 

Our other cat (the one giving us the cancer scare) had me from the moment she was sticking her little paws out of the cage at me when we walked past her in the shelter, and nestled into my chest, purring like crazy when I picked her up for the first time (how could I possibly put her back after that??). Although really she's my H's cat through and through and only wants attention from me under certain, nebulous circumstances.  Fickle brat. LOL.

[casacasa]

We have 3 cats. I had no issues getting them. Maybe cause cats are more independent, don’t need to go out, etc.

With our dog it was a good month before I got past the “this was the biggest mistake ever”. Took about 6 months for us to all really bond with her. She was just as nervous with us. She was a 7 yo rescue and we had never had a dog before.

[wowhead]

We are on day three with our 2 new cats. I’m having the “oh lord, what have I done” feeling for the last day. I had forgotten how hard it is to have a new pet. I can’t say I love them yet but I was on the verge of tears when the one who is still scared and hiding came out for scratches and purred for me for the first time.

I don’t think a week is necessarily long enough to fall in love with a pet. That isn’t enough time to settle into your new normal and be more than just their caretaker.

[imojoebunny]

My second dog is a pushy, rude, howling asshole. He turned out to be nothing like our first dog who is pretty great. I would not give him up for anything, maybe because we are both super stubborn? My husband can't walk him, like he just sits down, and refuses to leave the house with DH, which is a pain. He has to be put up whenever someone enters the house, though he can come out after a bit, and be okish. He doesn't suffer from a lack of affection or attention, he would never allow that to happen.

If the dog is well behaved, I would give him more time to settle in. Maybe spend some one on one time with him training or going for walks. I have read it can take 3 months for a dog to get comfortable and attach, more or less, depending on previous circumstance and personality. I imagine it can take some time for people, too.

[NomadicMama]

Jan 27, 2020 17:56:12 GMT -5 lucybrown said:

I felt a bond with my cat almost instantly. It took at least a month, probably longer with our puppy. I didn't have any kids to compare at the time, but I had a fairly significant depressive episode afterward that looked a lot like the PPD I experienced after my kids. It took us 3ish weeks to pick out a name because I just wasn't feeling all that attached. I cried a lot and questioned the decision to get a dog.

12 years later, this dog is my favorite creature in all the land. He loves us all, but is most attached to whoever walks and feeds him.

We tried to adopt a second dog 12 years ago, but I had an emotional breakdown. At the time, we attributed it to the hormones I was on while being treated for infertility. This past summer, we adopted a new dog and I had the same emotional reaction. With hindsight, we now realize this is how I react to new dogs (and a baby—my PPD was crushing). It was a rough first three weeks with our new dog. I’m still working on my attachment to him and it’s been six months. I am committed to him but he’s still work. I am his chosen person, though it’s complicated.

[yentl]

My most recent pet adoption was the addition of a third. He was a foster failure within a month but I would say I didn’t feel 100% bonded with him until about 6 months in. I am and always have been his “person” but it just took us both a little time to settle in to the changes.

IMO, all of my animals prefer me over H because they can sense that I care for them the most. He helps out, of course, but definitely isn’t as attached to them like I am. Taking a step back might be a good approach but they gotta step it up too 😉

[mrsukyankee]

I wanted to give Barney back for almost a month after we got him. He totally became my dog after about six months.

I would encourage your H to not let the dog sleep with him if he doesn't want a doggy partner in bed. It's okay for a dog to sleep on the floor or elsewhere, even as a newbie. I can't sleep with dogs in our bedroom as they wake me up and luckily, Barney liked to start with us and then leave after 1/2 hr.

[foundmylazybum]

More than 2 days for lots of reasons

[lightbulbsun]

I volunteer for a dog rescue, and I can't count how many times I've had people call me after a couple of days saying that a dog isn't working out in their home. It's so frustrating, because after two days a dog hasn't had a chance to adjust to their new home, or the new people, and the people haven't adjusted to the dog. Of course there are people who feel a connection immediately, but in 99% of cases, we ask that new owners give it at bare minimum two weeks, but preferably several months, to allow for everyone to get comfortable with the new dog and new routine. It's crazy and unrealistic to expect this to happen in less than a week, and if you're not willing to take the time to adjust then it's really unfair to the dog to even have him there.

[lucybrown]

Jan 27, 2020 21:08:17 GMT -5 NomadicMama said:

Jan 27, 2020 17:56:12 GMT -5 lucybrown said:

I felt a bond with my cat almost instantly. It took at least a month, probably longer with our puppy. I didn't have any kids to compare at the time, but I had a fairly significant depressive episode afterward that looked a lot like the PPD I experienced after my kids. It took us 3ish weeks to pick out a name because I just wasn't feeling all that attached. I cried a lot and questioned the decision to get a dog.

12 years later, this dog is my favorite creature in all the land. He loves us all, but is most attached to whoever walks and feeds him.

We tried to adopt a second dog 12 years ago, but I had an emotional breakdown. At the time, we attributed it to the hormones I was on while being treated for infertility. This past summer, we adopted a new dog and I had the same emotional reaction. With hindsight, we now realize this is how I react to new dogs (and a baby—my PPD was crushing). It was a rough first three weeks with our new dog. I’m still working on my attachment to him and it’s been six months. I am committed to him but he’s still work. I am his chosen person, though it’s complicated.

I'm sorry to hear this, but thank you for sharing.  It makes me feel better to hear others experienced something similar.   I've always had some level of depression with big, life transitions, so PPD after my pregnancies was somewhat expected, even though it was still really awful.  With the puppy, I was totally blindsided and really beat myself up for having feelings.  I had wanted a dog so badly, why did I feel so terrible?  It really was similar to how I felt during and after each pregnancy.  

Our dog is almost 12 and we're coming to accept that he won't live forever.  I know that I will want to adopt dog(s) again.  I hope I remember this and treat myself with more grace if the depression flares again.  It's harder to manage during good transitions. 

[jlt19]

Sort of an update:
As soon as everyone was home DD wanted a vote. I was against that, but knew it wasn't a binding thing. She and DH voted no, DS and I voted yes.

I explained what a lot of you all said, that it'll take time. DS is also really bonding with him, which is good, b/c our current dog is not a fan of him.

Since the first two nights weren't the greatest for he and DH, I kept him with me last night and he slept great through the night.

I think part of the problem was that we had this "let's do a trial" in our heads instead of "he's here to stay". So, I've switched that thought process and felt more secure with him this morning. And really, my vote counts for like 90% in our house since I do everything anyway, so he's not going anywhere.