Can I hire out to parent my kids?

[Deleted]

Ugh. I don’t know what I’m going to do about my daughter. She’s 13 in 7th grade and is just really testing me. She befriended a girl this year, and nearly everything negative that has happened to my daughter this year has involved this girl. This girl is a bad influence and I don’t like DD being friends with her. Her Dad and I ended up putting our foot down and said she wasn’t allowed to hang out with her, and after the most recent incident, DD agreed.

Well tonight, DD wanted to go to the local outdoor shopping with some friends. I asked her repeatedly if this girl was going to be there and she said no. I talked to her while she was there and asked who she was with and she rattled off a couple names, but not this girl. Anyway, I showed up about 20 minutes before I was supposed to pick her up to see if she was telling the truth. She wasn’t. She was with the girl. I made her leave immediately and resisted the temptation to embarrass her in front of her friends. I then grounded her for two months (she’s at my house EOW so this equals 4 weekends).

I don’t know what to do. Any tips here? Raising a teenager is going to kill me.

[imojoebunny]

I have a same age kid, but mine is in 8th. Have you read Untangled, guiding teenage girls....? It is very helpful. Grounding my kid for 4 weekends would escalate pretty much any issue, and frankly, be super annoying to have to deal with. She is a mostly good kid, who occasionally makes questionable/silly choices, but not serious ones. Just grounding her, without offering other activities or options as a family is IME not a great plan. I would tell her that she needs to come up with some supervised activities each weekend to do in this time, since she has violated your trust. It could be anything from cooking dinner for the family, hiking, to museums, to volunteering, and I would let her bring a friend, not that one, but another person, if she chooses, but it needs to be something you are willing to do, and might enjoy, that allows you to be together with a distraction, but where you can communicate and have positive interactions. The bad friend is always going to be a things, this one or another one. Your connection to your daughter, that is a much longer road. If things are substance abuse related or inappropriate sexual experiences, that is a different thing, and might require more/different intervention. Wishing you a positive relationship with your daughter.

[joenali]

I just remember my mom telling me I had some questionable friends made me want to hang out with them more.

[cajunmom]

My daughter (also 13, in 8th grade) went through this exact same thing last year. She had a close friend that I didn't care for. She was definitely not a good influence. I didn't restrict their contact too much, I only made it where DD couldn't go to her house, she could only come to ours. They didn't go to the same school by that point so most of their communication was on facetime. It seems like that relationship has cooled off naturally, I haven't heard DD mention her name in a month or so. I'm pretty sure if I had been more severe with the restrictions DD would have stayed in touch with her just to spite me.

I definitely agree that there should be consequences for lying, but if she's able to contact this girl while she's at her dad's is it really an effective punishment?

[joy]

I just have some questions about the actual situation while shopping.

Was it always planned with this girl and she just lied lied lied about it?

Was it always planned as a large group with the girl being one of them and she just omitted her from the list?

Was it planned with other girls and this girl heard and joined up without your daughter knowing until she was there?

My reactions are different depending on the details.

[Deleted]

joenali That is what I’m worried about

joy The plan the entire time was to hang out with this girl. So DD lied to me repeatedly. There were two other girls who were supposed to go as well but bailed last minute, I made DD show me the text. Truth is, I might have allowed them to hang out in a group, but DD never gave me the chance to make that decision by lying to me from the get go.

I did talk to her Dad, he is 100% on board and will punish at his house as well, so that may work in DDs favor as I’ll consider shortening the length of her punishment.

She’s a smart girl, but when this other girl is involved she makes very poor decisions.

[isabel]

I don't have teenagers, so grain of salt and all, but have you guys discussed the choices she makes when she's with this girl and what she thinks about it? Does she like who she is when she spends time with this friend? Does she see her choices as problematic? I guess I just wonder if that might be sort of eye opening for her and perhaps giving her strategies to make better choices in the moment when she is with this girl, rather than totally locking her down, might be a better long-term solution.

[kooshball]

Argh, I am sorry. Teenagers are hard. I have found that the phone has a lot more weight than grounding though. Take the phone away and their lives are over...

[Deleted]

isabel We have talked, and talked, and talked about this girl and the decisions DD makes when with her. She keeps saying she understands, but then nothing changes. DD came to me bawling her eyes out about this girl on Tuesday, but then wants to hang out with her. I don’t understand and I’m having a really hard time with this. The other girl had a very hard home life that I won’t repeat, and I feel badly for her, but her acting out is taking DD right down the wrong path with her. DD is supposed to be starting therapy, I’m hopeful that the therapist can help her work through this. She has GAD and low self-esteem which I think are both fueling her desire to maintain this friendship.

[joy]

Feb 1, 2020 13:03:36 GMT -5 @sameoldstory said:

joenali That is what I’m worried about

joy The plan the entire time was to hang out with this girl. So DD lied to me repeatedly. There were two other girls who were supposed to go as well but bailed last minute, I made DD show me the text. Truth is, I might have allowed them to hang out in a group, but DD never gave me the chance to make that decision by lying to me from the get go.

I did talk to her Dad, he is 100% on board and will punish at his house as well, so that may work in DDs favor as I’ll consider shortening the length of her punishment.

She’s a smart girl, but when this other girl is involved she makes very poor decisions.

Ooof. Okay. I’d be mad. Very mad.

[isabel]

Feb 1, 2020 14:06:25 GMT -5 @sameoldstory said:

isabel We have talked, and talked, and talked about this girl and the decisions DD makes when with her. She keeps saying she understands, but then nothing changes. DD came to me bawling her eyes out about this girl on Tuesday, but then wants to hang out with her. I don’t understand and I’m having a really hard time with this. The other girl had a very hard home life that I won’t repeat, and I feel badly for her, but her acting out is taking DD right down the wrong path with her. DD is supposed to be starting therapy, I’m hopeful that the therapist can help her work through this. She has GAD and low self-esteem which I think are both fueling her desire to maintain this friendship.

Re the bolded, she says she understands, but is that you telling her that she's making bad choices and her agreeing or telling you she gets it? Or is this "tell me about what happened with Friend and Situation...?" I get the feeling that she is telling you what she thinks you want to hear, rather than actually assessing her own behavior and coming up with how she actually feels about it.

When she came to you crying, what was your reaction? What was the conversation like? I never had bad friends as a teen, but I remember some rough moments. I also distinctly remember during a similar situation my mom asking me what I get from the friendship, is this worth it, what can I do to make the situation better or how can I gracefully remove myself from it so that I'm not involved but also don't feel pressured to go along with it?

Is this the daughter with few friends? I think that's your SD so guessing not. If she has other friends and general opportunities to socialize aren't limited, I would focus more on letting her come to you, withholding judgments, and just attempt to guide her thinking to a point where she is recognizing that the friendship isn't as great as her other relationships and that she generally feels happier when she's with other friends instead of this girl.

[cmeon]

I think you *really* need to pull back on her phone autonomy- especially after the recent events. You shouldn't have to ask her to show you texts- you need to know what's coming in and going out. She's shown you over and over again that she's not quite ready for that much trust.

And I agree that phones/digital devices need to be part of any effective grounding for teens- what that looks like for you is up to you and her dad.

[TR]

Feb 1, 2020 14:27:52 GMT -5 cmeon said:

I think you *really* need to pull back on her phone autonomy- especially after the recent events. You shouldn't have to ask her to show you texts- you need to know what's coming in and going out. She's shown you over and over again that she's not quite ready for that much trust.

And I agree that phones/digital devices need to be part of any effective grounding for teens- what that looks like for you is up to you and her dad.

This. She’s 13. She doesn’t need a phone. Or at least not an unrestricted one. Get her one of those kiddie phones that only dials 3 numbers.