Kid annoyed that mom works

[cricketwife]

I’m not sure how to title this.  I’m annoyed because DS1 (6 yo) “hates” extended day.  Tomorrow there are no classes but since I work, he has to go to extended day all day. So when I picked him up today, I got a crabby, surly (ungrateful!) Kid bellyaching that he wants to stay home tomorrow, my job is stupid, he hates my job, why can’t he go to carpool ( on school days) etc.  This comes up regularly and I’m sick of it. I’m partly venting and also looking for advice. I work out of both necessity and choice. I would work even if I didn’t “have” to, though I’d happily work part time or something.  Part of me feels bad because I always wished my mom was a SAHM so I understand how he feels.  But mostly I resent it. He “blames” me. He never says, “I wish daddy didn’t work.”  I’ve pointed out there are two working parents and he should ask daddy why he works because if daddy didn’t work he would be able to stay home.  These conversations pretty much always happen at the end of the day when he’s tired and I’m tired.  I usually end up annoyed and yelling at him. I would like to be more productive about it.  But equally, it just pisses me off. Ideas?

[Saudade]

You are not alone. My oldest kid (8) does this from time to time.

I work at the job I do because I want to. I could easily have a different job that allowed me to be home more or at different times. As it stands I only work an average 9.5 days a month, but I'm gone for 72 hours at a time. He hates it sometimes.

I have no patience for his behavior. It's entitled BS and I tell him that I do so because I want to pay bills, buy him things, go on vacation. I tell him it's because I want to help people and I LOVE my job. But I usually shut it down pretty quickly because in the end, I'm not going to change. I realize it's usually because he's tired, hungry, sad and taking it out that way. Rationally he will understand it one day.

I never wanted my mom to be a SAHM when I was little because I didn't know what that was (small, rural, farming community; no one had enough money to have a SAHM). What DS doesn't know is that he would be more miserable with me home more because I would be absolutely miserable.

[puppylove64]

My kid does the same thing. He starts bitching if I pick him up 10 minutes later than usual. I remind him that we enjoy having extra money to do fun things like go out to eat or to the movies and we wouldn’t have those extras if I didn’t work. I know it is frustrating.

[landmermaid]

If it makes you feel any better, I'm a SAHM and my oldest regularly tells me to go back to work so she can go to extended day and play with her friends. No pleasing anyone. Lol

[expectantsteelerfan]

So full disclosure, my kid complains about a lot (not this because I'm a SAHM), and I never thought to try this before, but now that I thought of it, I'm totally going to try it next time.
But maybe try giving them a journal to write/draw their complaints? Explain to them that their complaints are valid because that's how they feel, but at the end of the day when you are tired, you are not in a good position to listen to them and respond well, so maybe if they write them down, if they still feel like they need to talk about them, you can do it the next day at a time when you both aren't tired and cranky? And hopefully having a place for them to express their feelings will weed out some of the less pressing ones (so once the impulse to complain is past, they won't be bothered as much about things they can't really change).

[Saudade]

Mar 5, 2020 18:32:38 GMT -5 landmermaid said:

If it makes you feel any better, I'm a SAHM and my oldest regularly tells me to go back to work so she can go to extended day and play with her friends. No pleasing anyone. Lol

This is a good point too.

On days I am home (aka most of the month, lol) DS is begging to be able to go to aftercare at school which is run by the Y because his friends go there. 

There is no winning.  

[cricketwife]

Mar 5, 2020 18:35:50 GMT -5 expectantsteelerfan said:

So full disclosure, my kid complains about a lot (not this because I'm a SAHM), and I never thought to try this before, but now that I thought of it, I'm totally going to try it next time.
But maybe try giving them a journal to write/draw their complaints? Explain to them that their complaints are valid because that's how they feel, but at the end of the day when you are tired, you are not in a good position to listen to them and respond well, so maybe if they write them down, if they still feel like they need to talk about them, you can do it the next day at a time when you both aren't tired and cranky? And hopefully having a place for them to express their feelings will weed out some of the less pressing ones (so once the impulse to complain is past, they won't be bothered as much about things they can't really change).

I appreciate the idea, and actually think it’s a good one, but writing frustrates him so I can’t see this going over well in our particular case.  

[cricketwife]

Mar 5, 2020 18:32:38 GMT -5 landmermaid said:

If it makes you feel any better, I'm a SAHM and my oldest regularly tells me to go back to work so she can go to extended day and play with her friends. No pleasing anyone. Lol

This actually does make me feel a lot better! I think it’s jut the perspective I need.  

[jewel]

I SAH and my kid regularly suggests that I go to work so that he can go to after school care with his friends. He also suggests that I work and dad stay at home instead.

Thankless job, lol.

[clseale]

Does he truly hate extended day? Is it just too long of a day for him? I could see how school + that could wear on a kid. Is he more introverted? I have no idea if this is possible logistically or financially, but would a part-time nanny be a better fit for him? Someone to pick him up after school and stay with him until you can get off and be home? Would being home in his own house help? Or is it just that he wants YOU?

[AdaraMarie]

When my 1st grader says stuff like this I validate her feelings and that takes care of 80-90% of it. She is an introvert I think. I just say, something like you wish you had more time at home to play with your own toys don't you. Most of the time she says yes and it turns the conversation from being about me to about her.
Sometimes I just have to tell her, you'll feel better after you have something to eat, when she comes home mean because she's tired and hungry.

[smock]

My kindergartener has started saying similar things, asking why can't she do parent pick-up and complaining that I work all the time instead of playing with her.

I just ask if she likes toys and vacations and fun things that cost money, like pizza. She sees me work a lot since I WFH, so I like to connect the work I'm doing to the benefits it brings our family. (Without freaking her out by pointing out that my income pays our rent!)

Kids find stuff to complain about whatever the situation. They know how to push our buttons and what gets the biggest reaction. At other times, my kid says she wants to be just like me and do the same job when she grows up, so I try to take the complaining with a grain of salt.

[186momx]

My DD hates aftercare and is counting down to when she can walk home and stay alone. The first hour of aftercare is really chaotic and loud which is why she hates it. This school year my mom is picking her up as she has an earlier practice time and needs a ride to that anyways. DD likes it better but grandma care has its downsides too. I still have DD go to before care at the same place as aftercare and she has no issues with before care. All of that to say she hasn't ever told me she wishes I would stay home as she gets a taste of me staying home over the summer on Fridays and we both agree it doesn't always work. I think it is the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence scenario.

[VillainV]

C dislikes my job when it doesn’t suit him....like when I have to work longer hours or miss swim lesson or have to go out of town. But he likes it when it suits him — when there’s a cool perk for him like a fun work picnic or he gets to come in with me when school’s closed. I mean, he’s 5 (nearly 6) so I’m not surprised.

I try to explain to him that I like my job, it’s important to me and to the country, and that without my job we wouldn’t have enough money to get to do fun things like go on vacation (I mean, we would be up a creek without my salary, but I don’t want to tell my kid that we wouldn’t have a home or be able to eat, KWIM?).

That explanation seems to appease him.

[kershnic]

My kids whine about this too. I find that my own feelings about it are largely rooted in my own guilt about not being able to be home for them afterschool. But I just remind them that our jobs pay for "all the thing we need and most of the things we want" and that our jobs are valuable because we help people, and that's the way it is.

[imojoebunny]

This is totally a grass is always greener. I SAH, in a neighborhood where pretty much everyone has a job, when my kids were your kid's age, they would make me take them to the playgrounds where the aftercares went, so they could see their friends. We have had a number of kids come over regularly over the years, and skip aftercare for one day a week. They like the novelty of coming over, just as my kids like the novelty of having other kids to play with. If you have a variety of options for extended day, then maybe look into mixing them up, like I have friends whose kids go to extended day Science/Gym/art programs 2-3 days a week, and regular after care the other days, but if not an option, it is all good. When a SAHM ask you if your kid can come home with theirs, let them. Your kid may find it very boring.

[erbear]

My kid (9) does this too. It's annoying as hell and I say "too bad. I have to work" and call it a day.

[arehopsveggies]

I SAH and my 5 year old complains regularly that he doesn’t get to stay for aftercare. If he has any money that’s always what he wants to buy- an hour of aftercare.

[ellipses84]

My kids do this occasionally, but for the most part they like school and after care. I totally feel the mom guilt, though. Lots of kids meltdown at the end of the day (mine get hangry) and those days are different than your kids’ regular routine.

My cousin HATED her daycare and complained nonstop about it from age 8-12 when her mom let her stay home alone. She’s a SAHM now who homeschools. Her sister LOVED the same daycare and is a working mom. That always amuses me. It wasn’t the daycare, it was the kid. My aunt was a working mom role model to me.

Sometimes, when my kids are cranky it’s just entitled nonsense, but sometimes it’s because they have a need to be met. Maybe planning something special to look forward to, like let’s go to a fun pizza place or get ice cream on that evening would help. Ask him what he doesn’t like about it on the weekend when he’s not just left there and see if there’s anything you can do to improve it (even if it’s just pep talks about positive attitude). I usually look at the school calendar and request off all the days my kids have off that I don’t. I often end up working those days because DH can cover them, but it clears my calendar to give me the option if I decide to. You could decide to do dad/kid or mom/kid special days off occasionally with the agreement that he’ll be there on all the other days off.

[ssmjlm]

Mine flip flops as to whether she likes before/after care or being parent pick-up. I think it just depends on their mood and what fun things they think they're missing out on. We've had to explain repeatedly that we work for all of the fun things we get to go, roof over our heads, food on the table (keeping it simple in her terms).

I sometimes think my kid thinks we go and party during the day w/o her and she's missing some fun thing, when when she does sometimes come into work with me, she's bored after a couple hours and I just say "see it's not all fun and games here like you think."

[macmars45]

My DS is almost 4 and really wants daddy to SAH with him and not work. I SAH with him. Daddy plays legos with him. I take him to play dates/Bible Study Fellowship/indoor play park, do laundry, make meals, vacuum/clean, do the grocery shopping... you know run the house while H is gone 11 hours M-F.

Also, DS is in a strong daddy phase. Has been for a while.

 

[luckystar2]

My kid is a homebody so she would always rather stay home. And she hates waking up early. so she hated going to before care/after care. She loved daycare before she started school but she still hated getting up early to go. She complained about why we need to work off and on. I would try to validate her feelings. Like ugh yeah I know it stinks. Wouldn’t it be nice to just stay home. I’d love to stay home too and not have to work today! Then we remind her of all the extra things she gets to do because we both work. That usually helps but sometimes she just wants to lament about it and Im just like yeah it stinks but this is how it is. I try not to let it get me down. But I don’t really have feelings of guilt being a working mom. I never wanted to stay at home. I’m sure it would be harder if I also wished I could have stayed home.

Eventually she is old enough to not need any before or after care. She is a lot happier but now she just complains about why she has to go to school at all lol!

[sugarbear]

My kids don't complain about extended day, but they do complain about kids' club at the gym. My response would be the same, though. "This is what I do for my health / job, which benefits the whole family in a variety of ways. These are the ways I support you (LIST), and this is one way where I am asking you to support me." Rinse, repeat.

[redheadbaker]

Is another kid picking on him? DS told me he hated summer camp last summer, even though he seemed to be having fun while he was there, and it turned out another kid was picking on him.

[dragon's breath]

Mar 5, 2020 18:50:57 GMT -5 Saudade said:

Mar 5, 2020 18:32:38 GMT -5 landmermaid said:

If it makes you feel any better, I'm a SAHM and my oldest regularly tells me to go back to work so she can go to extended day and play with her friends. No pleasing anyone. Lol

This is a good point too.

On days I am home (aka most of the month, lol) DS is begging to be able to go to aftercare at school which is run by the Y because his friends go there. 

There is no winning.  

Yeah, my mom was a SAHM, though she did babysit for a lot of places, so I always had a bunch of kids to play with (churches, women's meetings, VBS, all kinds of things, several times a week, sometimes she'd watch kids at the house).  It was awesome before I got to school, but once I was in elementary school, I learned that other kids got to go home to an empty house until their parents got home (if they had older siblings, or sometimes not).  Some got to go to daycare and play before going home.  As the fourth out of five kids, and craving personal space, the idea of going home to an empty house was an absolute dream.  By the time I hit fourth grade, I was really ready to go home to an empty house (she started an in-home daycare around that time, so not only did I go home to siblings, but home to a bunch of other kids as well).

[shauni27]

no advice, but my stinkin' 2 year old does this almost every damn day. "I don't want you to go to work, I want you to stay home and play with me. I don't want to go to school why you work. Why do you have to work??"

[mrshandy]

DS is 9 and at the age where he will express serious opinions about going to child care on non-school days. He wants to stay home since he knows I'm working from home. I tell him hell no. (in appropriate language). There was one time he was refusing to go. I have yet to solve the conundrum of how to make a 9-year old do something that he doesn't want to do. It's been really tough.

DD is still fine with going with where we tell her.

It's not a secret in our house that I make more money than H. So if anyone should stay at home then it should be him.

[waverly]

I would have a conversation with him when you are not tired, maybe on the weekend. Also point out that dad works too thing.

My kids have been hot and cold about aftercare. They did both really like their daycare, and were in it since babies. Switching over was a really hard 2 month transition. But it was so much cheaper and more convenient we had to do it. Aftercares range in their quality. There are lots that aren't that great. So I would have a discussion with him on what he likes and what he doesn't like, as well as the is there anyone picking on you. If there is a problem that is solvable, I would reach out to the aftercare and see if they can work with you. At the beginning of the year my kids were meh on it, so when they started going again after summer I emailed the director about making it more fun for them, and she did make some effort there which helped.

[sillygoosegirl]

Do you have any other after care options? My DD was very resistant to daycare for a while, and then I switched her to a different school and she loved it. I think the first school had just been a bad fit for her.