2nd pregnancy struggles/feelings...

[starryfish]

Short version: When you were PG with second kid....did you freak out? Wonder if you had enough love for another child? Worried you were messing up your family, etc?

Long version: This second pregnancy was very much wanted. It took us 3 years to conceive through multiple failed IUI/IVF. But now that I am PG, its been HARD. I am SO much sicker with this pregnancy, so it makes it hard for me to be happy/bond with this pregnancy. We do have some gender disappointment I am trying to work through (expecting a baby boy). Also my DH got furloughed (works for airlines). Covid. SO much extra stress right now. Neither one of us is EXCITED about this pregnancy now....its just hard. I am worried I cant love another child as much as I love my DD and worried it will be too much for me to handle (DH is a pilot who will be gone for a few days at a time). Just looking for hair pats and wondering if anyone else had these feelings? I know we have extra stress due to COvid right now which super sucks. 

[Velar Fricative]

Yeah, you can definitely feel what you want because I can't imagine how hard it is to be pregnant at this time. And I'm sorry about the furlough - that of course compounds the stress.

My circumstances were different, but I was an anxious mess during my pregnancy with DD2 because within the 16 months prior to the positive HPT, I had had a TFMR at 5 months along and then a natural m/c at 9 weeks along that came out of nowhere (saw the heartbeat twice before it happened). We did not have a sex preference so I can't speak to the disappointment, but during the pregnancy I was fearful of anything bad happening again and I figured that was why I was feeling mostly blah about the idea of growing our family, even though we almost always wanted two kids. What I can say is that you don't know it yet, but once that baby is born you'll have no idea where that extra love you didn't think you had will come from. But it will be there.

[nicolewi]

Totally normal. We have four kids and it never seemed fully "real" with any of them until they were born. I worried especially about the first one, when I was pregnant with #2, for the reasons you said--would she be neglected? How could I love another baby as much as her? etc. As it turns out, we had plenty of love, and they were friends from the start. Those two have always gotten along really well and DD1 is an amazing big sister.

I love each of them dearly and it is one of the best things in my life to see them interact with each other.

I will say that I always found the newborn stage to be precious but really hard, and I feel like babies keep getting more and more fun as they get out of the teeny tiny infant stage and are more "durable" and interactive.

[estrellita]

Normal! I wondered a lot how I was going to have enough time for both kids, especially with a newborn and toddler. It's hard, but doable. You can definitely love both, even if you're not feeling that bond right now. I think I had a harder time bonding with A because I was so focused on E. But it will come!

[noodleoo]

Yes, I think those feelings are very normal. DD1 was a difficult pregnancy and DD2 was even worse. I was so sick and it was exhausting to parent a needy 3 year old while pregnant. I remember feeling so bad for DD1 because I was exhausted and couldn't take care of her as well as I wanted to, and that was before Covid. I also experienced some gender disappointment, which surprised me because while I loved the idea of sisters, I was sad that I'd never experience having a boy (done at 2). I still get pangs of that once in a while. And it drove me nuts that it didn't bother H at all.

Anyway, all that is to say that once DD2 was born I bonded with her way faster than I did with DD1. The experience of going from 1 to 2 wasn't the shock to the system that having your first child is. Because we were experienced and kind of knew what we were doing, I've found we actually enjoyed DD2 as a baby more than I did DD1 (she was SO hard). And yes, now I feel guilty about that, LOL!!! I know this is a harder time to pg and have a kid than ever, but I promise it will be ok. And seeing how much DD1 loves DD2 brings me more joy than I could ever imagine.

[expectantsteelerfan]

Yep totally normal!
When I was pregnant with dd, dh was active duty military. He was home for the birth and her first 2 months, then was gone for 7 months. I was so nervous, but the thing that helped me feel better was to have a plan in place for what to do if I was feeling overwhelmed. We hired a babysitter to come in 2 days a week for 4 hours at a time regularly, and that helped so much.
As nervous as I was beforehand, I was NOT prepared for my feelings of guilt and change afterwards. Ds was fine. Both sets of grandparents came for the birth (my mom came beforehand, stayed, then left a few days after dh's parents came) and he was showered with gifts and attention and was happier than ever, but I had trouble handling how much time dd took and how much less time I was spending with ds than I used to. I got over it pretty quickly, but it threw me for a loop.

[cricketwife]

All normal. Both our pregnancies were very wanted. I had gender disappointment terribly the first time (boy), the second time(another boy) , I knew how great boys were and I was glad to have same sex siblings (something neither Dh nor I have) but I was disappointed that never have a girl. I wondered how I could possibly love another child as much . DS1 was PERFECT after all! It was going to be so hard! Lol, I bonded with DS2 immediately, which was not the case with DS1. Turns out, DS2 is a waaay easier kid and I definitely didn’t have a perfect child with number 1,lol. That said, the adjustment was VERY, VERY hard. For a long time after his birth, I felt we had made a mistake, not that *he* was a mistake, just that I had completely upset out family balance. FF a bit and of course he was the perfect baby for our family and we all adjusted to the new rhythm. My boys are now 6 and 3 and the older one just said the other day, “ I don’t remember before we had DS2.”  So even if your feelings don’t change immediately, they will at some point.  You want this baby and you will figure the rest out as it comes. 

Im sorry about your H’s job. 

Also, as a PS, I was never able to work through my gender disappointments during pregnancy, it was only after the baby arrived and became more of a person than just the idea of a boy, if that makes sense. 

[sdlaura]

Yes, I did. We had a lot of trouble conceiving our first child, and had a loss at 21 weeks before she was born. So we didn't use birth control afterward, and I got pregnant again with my son when she was only 8 months old. Then we found out while I was pregnant that our son was going to be born with a major heart defect. The physical defect was surgically repairable, but often heart defects are associated with developmental issues. So I worried so much that I was ruining DD's babyhood with another baby so soon, who I knew would have some medical needs, and worried that I was going to cause her to end up taking care of a disabled brother for the rest of her life. So we had lots of issues beyond just the normal second kid guilt

Honestly, though, I was shocked at how quickly the switch flipped when he was born, to realizing I had plenty of love for both of them, and I know that both of their lives are better for having a sibling so close in age. His heart defect ended up being less serious that expected, and besides a 5-day hospital stay for him and me/DH when he was 5 months old and had open heart surgery, DD's life has only been enhanced by having him.

I am also now expecting my fourth kid. So obviously I got over any guilt about taking attention away from existing kids by having more! I never imagined I'd have a big family. But watching my kids together is one of the best parts of my life. We are definitely done after this one I also had gender disappointment this time around - we were hoping for DD to have a sister, but instead we're expecting our third boy in a row. Totally normal and nothing to feel guilty about!

[somersault72]

My 2nd pregnancy was terribly stressful--lots of sickness, abnormal NIPT, going through the amniocentesis process, too much amniotic fluid at the end, being AMA, working in OB. I was a damn mess. DS had been an only child for 10 years when DD arrived. She was so very much wanted but the transition has not been easy. Whatever you're feeling is normal, not to mention being compounded by COVID 19 and job loss. Go easy on yourself.

[Mrs.flang]

I think this all sounds normal too. I can definitely relate to not feeling like I could possibly love another child as much as DD1, and along with that I felt SO MUCH GUILT about messing up DD1s life (and I still feel that way sometimes!)

I can only imagine the added stress of the current situation.

[Susie]

I also had a tough second pregnancy.  There isn't anything that can compare to the current COVID-19 situation, but I was also sicker the 2nd time, more tired the 2nd time (while chasing a 3 yo), and while I was pregnant last year a close mom-friend at work was murdered along with her children so I can relate a bit to experiencing some kind of trauma coloring a pregnancy.  The murder had nothing to do with us (it was domestic, sadly), but I was the last living person to see her alive when she left work that day so I was interviewed by state police a couple of times, then the joint funeral was about 1.5 month later during my 3rd tri, it was all quite awful.  Add to that, I had some Feelings about gender too, which made me feel even worse because my friend and her littles were gone, who was I to care about gender!?  So I beat myself up about having the feelings in the first place.  I didn't think I cared before I found out, but then I found out #2 was a boy, and I started thinking about all the ways my parents contributed to my relationship with my younger brother being terrible when we were young, and it doesn't take much more than all this plus pregnancy hormones to have made me a mess.

All I can say is that I got through it one ugly step at a time, and after he was born I did love him as much as his sister.  I don't love her any less for it (although I'd be lying if I said she got quite as much of my time/attention, just because nursing infant logistics).  It actually felt easier with #2 because I was a more experienced, less anxious mom, and suffered less PPD the 2nd time.  I did not expect that based on shaky mental health during my 2nd pregnancy.  My kids are 4y and 10m now, and it all feels right.

[starryfish]

thanks all, this REALLY REALLY helps to read all of your stories.

I know this situation has added stress with Covid, but I am glad to hear that my feelings are normal. DD is SUPER excited about having a baby brother (she too had gender disappointment at first and told us NO she was having a sister multiple times, but got on board quickly lol)

[starryfish]

Susie, thank you susie, sorry you had to go through that trauma as well. Mine will be the same genders and ages I think as yours. I thought I didnt care either since I already had a girl, but I just thought having 2 girls would be easier, since they would play together more than girl/boy.

[ktw]

Apr 15, 2020 11:05:28 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

Yes, I think those feelings are very normal. DD1 was a difficult pregnancy and DD2 was even worse. I was so sick and it was exhausting to parent a needy 3 year old while pregnant. I remember feeling so bad for DD1 because I was exhausted and couldn't take care of her as well as I wanted to, and that was before Covid. I also experienced some gender disappointment, which surprised me because while I loved the idea of sisters, I was sad that I'd never experience having a boy (done at 2). I still get pangs of that once in a while. And it drove me nuts that it didn't bother H at all.

Anyway, all that is to say that once DD2 was born I bonded with her way faster than I did with DD1. The experience of going from 1 to 2 wasn't the shock to the system that having your first child is. Because we were experienced and kind of knew what we were doing, I've found we actually enjoyed DD2 as a baby more than I did DD1 (she was SO hard). And yes, now I feel guilty about that, LOL!!! I know this is a harder time to pg and have a kid than ever, but I promise it will be ok. And seeing how much DD1 loves DD2 brings me more joy than I could ever imagine.

I agree with every single thing bolded, other than my second is a boy.

I actually was laughing the other day thinking about how I worried if I could love my second as much as my first. Now, he's a cute, squishy toddler, and I feel guilty that sometimes I am just blown over by how adorable he is and that I don't feel that way about DD as much anymore, since she's older. The transition from 1 to 2 was far, far easier than the transition from 0 to 1 for us. And it had nothing to do with the kids personalities/temperaments - both of mine were happy/easyish babies, as long as you didn't need to sleep. My second actually slept worse than my first.  I completely underestimated how much joy having two would bring to my life. Before DS, I just thought about what we wanted our family to look like, if I wanted DD to have a sibling, etc... But it is so fun having two, and watching them together is a true highlight of my life.

So, in general, all of the things you are feeling seem very normal. Add in the stress of COVID and your H's job, and all bets are off.

[countthestars]

Apr 15, 2020 13:18:54 GMT -5 starryfish said:

Susie, thank you susie, sorry you had to go through that trauma as well. Mine will be the same genders and ages I think as yours. I thought I didnt care either since I already had a girl, but I just thought having 2 girls would be easier, since they would play together more than girl/boy.

I was a bit shocked when my second was a boy (in the delivery room!) and I worried about them not playing together or me or knowing “what to do” with a boy and they are best friends. They’re 6 and 4 now and they love each other so much. I think your feelings are all normal on a good day, never mind the pandemic and it’s added stress. ((Hugs))

[starryfish]

Apr 15, 2020 14:31:11 GMT -5 countthestars said:

Apr 15, 2020 13:18:54 GMT -5 starryfish said:

Susie, thank you susie, sorry you had to go through that trauma as well. Mine will be the same genders and ages I think as yours. I thought I didnt care either since I already had a girl, but I just thought having 2 girls would be easier, since they would play together more than girl/boy.

I was a bit shocked when my second was a boy (in the delivery room!) and I worried about them not playing together or me or knowing “what to do” with a boy and they are best friends. They’re 6 and 4 now and they love each other so much. I think your feelings are all normal on a good day, never mind the pandemic and it’s added stress. ((Hugs))

Thank you! That’s helpful to hear! I grew up with just a sister but did have boy cousins that I adored and played with! Good reminder Bc I had more fun playing with my boy cousin then my sister as a kid

[sunflower17]

Yes! Normal. I’m pretty sure I posted the same questions during my second pregnancy. DD2 is now 12 weeks old.
I’m going to be honest because I wanted honesty as well when I asked.
DD2 was not planned. It was hard to feel excited about it. I went through the motions, but it all seemed surreal. I sort of wanted a second kid, but couldn’t imagine how I could love another one.
When she was born, she was ok and all...but wow did I feel super guilty that DD1 wasn’t my primary focus. I broke down hysterically crying in my drs office for a BP check about 4 days after she was born. (Pretty sure I posted about that too). I felt like this baby was just..not connected to me. I just wanted DD1.
I would say that the ugly feelings gradually faded over about 2-3 weeks and I began to bond with DD2.
Now I’m so sad I have to return to work Friday and leave my girls. Watching DD1 become a big sister is just so beautiful. And I love DD2 so much!! I love them both more than anything!!
Your feelings are normal!! It will be ok. Even if you don’t feel the instantaneous bond with baby 2 immediately, it will come with time. It’s ok. It’s normal. You will love your baby even if you can’t even imagine how right now.

[clseale]

I say normal. I’m currently 22 wks with a ds (dd just turned 3). This one was a slight surprise, but only because we weren’t sure we could take the leap of faith again after a traumatic loss last year, so it’s not like he wasn’t wanted or a 2nd wasn’t at one time planned. But I had a lot of those same feelings. Occasionally they still creep up, but I am getting excited and when I see how madly in love dd is with him already, it makes my heart burst. Still, each time I snuggle her at bedtime, I feel a slight pang of sadness that she will only be my only for a bit longer, or that we have changed her life forever.

[jorja]

Yes, absolutely. It was very hard for me to imagine loving another child as much as I loved my daughter. It made me sad to think of her not being my only “baby” anymore. I felt guilty that I was going to be taking some of my attention and devotion away from her.

All those feelings pretty much disappeared the moment my son was born. It helped that my daughter was very excited to be a big sister, and struggled very little with the transition. They are now 2.5 and 5 and they are truly best friends. I seriously don’t know what they would do without each other right now, cooped up in our house. It’s been such a joy to watch them together. It’s amazing how your heart and your family just makes room for this new little person.

I had my third baby 6 weeks ago, and have been so pleasantly surprised again at how wonderfully she has fit in. My older kids just love her and we can’t imagine life without her.

The newborn stage has also gotten easier each time for me. Going from 0-1 was far, far harder than going from 1-2.

[starryfish]

thank you for the honesty sunflower17, i am glad to hear that even if i dont bond right away, it should happen soon.

clseale, jorja,thank you! These stories all help me SO much to feel normal.

I think last week and the 1/2 half of this week were BAD emotionally. I am doing better and am more positive already. My DD is SUPER excited about being a big sister. I will be sad to have to give her less attention, but i know she will be a good helper too. Just wonder if she will ever go back to daycare by the time the baby is born!

[aliciabella]

Totally normal. I also had a freaking breakdown in the parking lot after finding out we were have twin boys. I swore they were girls, lol. You get over and you will too.

[sent]

Both of my pregnancies were awful. With #1, it was a surprise pregnancy and then dangerously low amniotic fluid. With #2, it was gestational diabetes and a lot of stressful life stuff. I will never understand the people who love being pregnant and have supposedly "easy" pregnancies. Both of mine ended early (33 weeks, 37 weeks) with C-sections and I couldn't have been happier to get the kids out and be done with that. Luckily my recoveries were fine. Having actual babies was so much better. We were team green with #2 to minimize the gender anxiety for all of us but mostly especially me. DD and I secretly wanted a girl, everyone else said we were having a boy. So yes, we were both a little disappointed when DS showed up. I still have slight pangs of disappointment when I shop at Carters and see the huge variety of cuteness in the baby girls section and reminisce about how much I liked shopping for DD. Instead I have to shop in the baby boys section which is very boring and repetitive. But DD turned out to be a great big sister. It took her 6 months to accept her brother who came along when she was already 4. And just back in February when she was 6, she asked if we could still return DS but my mom told her that if we did that, we'd get another little brother and what if that one was crazier than the one we already had. She got scared and said no, it's ok, she'll just keep DS.

[lilac05]

Yep. Totally normal in the best of times! And in Covid-Times, even moreso!

When I shared this thought with my pastor (a father of 5) when I was pregnant, he assured me that something almost magical happens when you give birth to another child. Along with the birthing process, your heart grows and creates space (NOT makes room for!) the new baby. I didn’t believe him in the moment, but in the delivery room, I understood.

I didn’t bond quickly with DS1, but things were much smoother with DS2.

[pooh8402]

Whatever you're feeling is completely valid. It's tough having a second kid.

I had such an easy first pregnancy that when I was pregnant (I LOVED being pregnant! I felt beautiful and like I was made for this) that when I was pregnant the second time, I was surprised how... annoyed? (Not sure if that is the right word) I was to be pregnant. I hurt more and earlier, I was high risk until 36 weeks, this and that kept coming up and omg the contractions.

You know that we had infertility too, with multiple IVF and FET cycles needed to conceive our second. Then the second pregnancy was much harder, and I had gender disappointment (still do sent, I get the pangs when I see girl clothes and cloth diapers)... I was so glad once it was over and he was born.

E2 is a wonderful baby, and he's been so perfect for our family and I just love him so much. Your heart really does grow and you love the second kid as much as your first. E1 and E2 now play together and I just love watching them.

Although I haven't closed the door on a third, I don't really want to do it again anytime soon.