Monday Stuff

[xctsclrx]

Ooh shit. campermom I would be having a come to Jesus meeting so fast or he could find the door. I am so sorry, my H is literally living the bachelor life in a different country right now and he is being more supportive than that.


My H and I argue more about who's job is more demanding. We are within 3 k of each other now and I have more responsibility. It was really hard for him to wrap his head around the fact that my job is a bigger deal than his. (It's a new development) we both agree that being home with the kids is so much harder than working, and he feels horrible about the fact that I am working full time while being home with 2 kids alone.


I also want to say that is has nothing to do with him forgetting his tasks or not putting something away.

It is the snide comments and insults, and dictating what you can and can't do when he isn't there. The accounting for your time like he is your boss WTF is that?--- this screams controlling and abusive to me. That might just be me.

If you need me to delete I will.

[sdlaura]

Ugh campermom, I’m so sorry.

[vasc]

I’m sorry campermom. We’ve had some arguments in quarantine too and something I’ve told myself during those moments is “We shouldn’t even be here,” ie normally we’d be at work, the kids would be at school/daycare, and the stressors of the current situation wouldn’t exist.

[vasc]

campermom are you a SPED teacher? School psychologist?

[rere]

campermom, He needs a wake up call, but I am not sure what would get his attention. Maybe not good advice, but I would probably just ignore any input from him at this point. He obviously doesn't even know what your job is, has no constructive input, is a hindrance at this point. You don't have a partner in this it sounds like. Go to bare bones survival at this point and he can shove the laundry up his nether regions.

[waverly]

Wow campermom. What is his problem? Someone needs a punch in the balls (not literally), but tempting....

[erinshelley21]

campermom I am so sorry you are being treated this way. This crap is hard enough without being told you are failing. I feel like I am failing every day and I cannot imagine how hurtful it would be to hear it from DH. You are not failing though. There isn't a grading scale for parenting during this and we all get points for participation at this point.

I struggled with eLearning the second week. The first week I was not as hands on as I should have been and then when I realized how involved I needed to be it got difficult. DH naively thought it was simple and took over on his days off, giving me 1 or 2 days of a break per week, not really listening to the advice I had given him. His first week doing all 3 days? He lost his ever loving mind and is celebrating that this is our last week of submitting actual work.

All this to say, if possible, your H needs to be in the trenches to understand. More than kids one day or assignment. Especially if he is the one demanding that it continue. Save it for his days off if possible. The teachers may be understanding since they may be juggling teaching students AND their own children. If that can't be done, set up a damn video camera so you can record the amount of chaos you are coordinating at home. At the end of the days that I am frustrated. DH will ask what happened and I honestly am not able to tell him. I don't have to record the days, but since he has been living in this real life game of Jumanji with me the man knows not to question it.

[twinmomma]

campermom, I'm so sorry you're in that position. Your husband is not correct - you are doing everything you possibly can in an impossible situation. Things like folding laundry and dirty dishes are NOT the priority right now. If he feels those things matter, then he can take them on. If he wants to force home schooling to happen, then he can be the one facilitating it when he gets home from work. I know it's easier said than done to stand up to someone who is constantly berating you for supposed "failures" though. I've been there.

I think for your own mental health, you need to prioritize what you can do, handle what you can handle on your own, and let the rest go. It is not your responsibility to prove your worth to someone, especially in a messed up situation like we're all in right now. if he starts to come after you for "not doing enough" then just don't engage. It's hard, but if he's not going to be supportive and a partner, just do it how you want.

[mellym]

campermom, so many hugs. You are not failing. You are a Supermom doing the impossible right now - working three full time roles and holding your family together.

It doesn't sound like anything has changed for your DH and he's not really in the trenches so he doesn't understand and is oversimplifying it. Also, it never works to keep score on who's doing what or more than the other partner because it's never going to be 50/50. I'm so sorry he's making you feel bad about yourself. I can't keep quiet so I would probably continue setting DH straight. If he wants it done differently, then that's on him to figure it out.

[mommyatty]

campermom- that’s abusive. Period. I would get in touch with a counselor and see if they’re doing telemedicine appointments. Because honestly he needs to knock that shit off or get out of your house. DH doesn’t hear me and doesn’t know how he sounds sometimes. For us, he only heard me when he heard me say things about him to someone else.

I would be at the “call a locksmith” stage in your position. And I would tell him that. “If you ever say anything like that to me again, you will come home and the locks will have been changed. I’ve had enough. I’m done. You will not verbally abuse me anymore.”

[186momx]

campermom, hugs and I'm in the same boat.
DH goes to work and is gone all day and most of the days gets home before us and does very little to help out at home which is his normal. The pandemic has not changed his life what so ever and he makes the stupidest comments about how nothing is different. DD has been coming with me to work since this started. We are starting to cut back hours but no 8 year old should be putting in 50+ hour work weeks. I'm slowly loosing it and Mondays seem to be the worse. I can't concentrate, I'm making stupid mistakes, and I have this pressure in my head that just won't go away. I'm trying to school DD and have had to add on so much stuff because I need her occupied so I can work but she wants help and deserves attention. Plus with no sports she has no outlet for her energy. Most days she holds it together but other days she is sprinting up and down the office hallway. We started having clients come in at scheduled time to pick up their tax documents and that has caused me a whole new level of stress and anxiety. DD has been great about hiding in the back when people are in but I would say 75% of my clients are asking about her and when I say she is here just reading in the back they want to see. So between DD, the phone and clients in the door my work is even more interrupted which is probably why I can't concentrate and making stupid mistakes.
We did get some good news from our gymnastic head coach. We can possible start a very modified practices June 1st. Even if it is just an hour a couple days a week it will give DD and I a break from our 24/7 togetherness.

[supertrooper1]

I'm sorry campermom. There are many days when I feel like all I can do is keep DS safe and fed, and barely keep my head above water with work. No laundry, dishes or anything else gets done on those days. I hope he lowers his expectations and realizes how difficult this is for everyone.

[mustardseed2007]

campermom, couples counseling? People are doing it remotely. He's being shitty and gas lighting you about it. I'm so sorry. H and I have both lost it at different times. Last night I told him I was going to kill our kids. He made sure I got to watch project runway...

Basically you have to have each other's backs. You have to be a team...

[keh2oblue]

campermom I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all of that on your plate. My H also hasn’t really changed his daily work life, but he is at home to help with meals and exercise. I agree with everyone else. Stop what you can. Let go of school. When your husband gets home, leave for an hour. Tell him you’re taking your lunch hour, and definitely talk to someone if you feel like you can. Does your employer have an EAP that includes counseling?

[mustardseed2007]

May 11, 2020 13:34:53 GMT -5 mae0111 said:

May 11, 2020 13:21:55 GMT -5 k3am said:

mae0111 , are they any video requirements? Your DD can record something short and sweet and neutral. "Jerk face is in my class. I have known her since we started school here" and just be done with it.

She does not need to lie or say she likes the kid, but it is also a life skill for her to be able to do things like this, even if every fiber of her being doesn't want to.

That’s what I suggested. I told her to say “She likes unicorns!” Or “Her puppy is cute!” But she doesn’t want to do it because of what happened with the stupid valentines. If she doesn’t complete it, she gets a zero. But the other kid was told to give a valentine, refused, no punishment. I don’t feel like I should force her to do it, but I don’t think she should get a zero either.

So I don’t know what to do.

I still say, don't involve the principle and ignore it. This is not the same as being in a classroom in each other's physical presence. I 100% bet no one will call you guys out and it won't matter if she gets a zero.

I'd only involve the higher ups if you actually see that it impacted her final grade or if they come hunt you down for the assignment. 

[mae0111]

So I ended up having a very pleasant conversation with the principal. I was very respectful, said I knew she had a lot on her plate, but that we just didn’t know what to do. I said that I didn’t want anyone to feel bad in the end. I didn’t want DD1 to get upset if she was left out again, but I didn’t want the other kid to be upset if we did one or we didn’t - if that makes sense.

I finally said, “we will do whatever you think is appropriate in this situation. Just let us know what you think that is.” She seemed to appreciate my stance and said she would talk to the teacher to figure it out.

I also used the conversation to plant the seed about next year’s safety plan, which was put into place to protect DD1 against her bully. Again, very respectfully said that I thought it was important to have it in place upon re-entering the building - whenever that may be. I said we were willing to do whatever was needed, we could just re-sign the existing plan with new dates. Since the other family never signed, I said that we wanted to be sure there was plenty of time to get it addressed.

She was way more annoyed by the safety plan. But we only have 5 weeks left in the school year. I wanted it at least discussed before the kids might be back together. I think there are going to be a ton of issues and stressors upon re-entry, and I want this wrapped up. The other family sat on it for 6 weeks before school was canceled, and I don’t want all of the old bullish!t going on all fall while the principal hides behind the idea that they never signed the doc.

[traveltheworld]

campermom, echoing everyone else - that's really shitty of your DH.

[campermom]

PDQ again.

poof

[xctsclrx]

campermom anything we can do to help. I am so glad you are reaching out for help.

[waverly]

I’m glad you are reaching out for help. Telehealth is a great option for everyone.

[mommyatty]

campermom- you are such a rock. How you stay so flipping steady is beyond me.

ETA same for xctsclrx. God, woman, you are a rockstar.

[mae0111]

campermom - I’m just so sorry all of this is happening, and I’m really glad you set up an appointment. This time is so stressful and your H needs so snap out of this. Good luck!!

[twinmomma]

campermom, I'm glad you are able to get in with a counselor! That's great news. But please remember, actions speak louder than words. If he continually "gets better" and then reverts back to old ways, just know that it's not your job to fix him. And it may not be possible to "fix" him to be the supportive partner you need. Just be sure to listen to your gut and take care of you in all this.

[vasc]

campermom I just saw your private message today. I responded. Sorry I am so slow!