Is this legit mildly irritating or is this just BEC?

[cville]

Like half the time when I text my MIL photos, which I do because she loves her grandkids and I am a goddamned nice person, she will text me back "thank you for doing [whatever it is that's in the photo]" (the other half of the time is "send more pictures").

I'm always very 🙄 about it because, like, I didn't do it for her. I did it for them. Or me. Or my husband.

I don't say anything. I just move on. But it's weird, right? Have I asked this before?

[sonrisa]

Both? It's probably her way of trying to show she appreciates your mothering.

[mx27]

Weird and annoying! The only acceptable response to receiving a picture of a kid is, “Adorable! Thanks for sending!” Or something similarly positive and complimentary.

[starryfish]

its better than NO response which is what I get from my FIL/SMIL when I send my DD pics to them...i get ANNOYED by that

[cville]

Jun 8, 2020 15:02:11 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Like ‘thank you for giving them nice cream’? Weird!!

Yes. Today it was thanks for taking them to a protest. Yesterday it was thank you for taking them swimming. Last week it was thank you to me for taking my own kid to her end of year car parade.

[jenna]

I sent a photo to MIL of our youngest son in snow bibs and a hat, and wearing gloves -- as he was getting ready to play in the snow.

MIL text back "where is his coat?"

[carmenere]

That is weird. I'm not sure what the right word is but I can see why it rubs you the wrong way.

[cville]

Jun 8, 2020 14:58:45 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Both? It's probably her way of trying to show she appreciates your mothering.

Huh. I didn't think of it that way. I thought of it as her being all "your efforts are for ME". Which is my BEC filter.

[VillainV]

I’d vote mildly annoying. Does she often say/text awkward things? My MIL does. I think she knows she should say something but doesn’t know what to say, so she ends up saying something awkward.

[sent]

I used to be highly sensitive to BEC with my MIL but this doesn't fall into BEC territory for me. Mainly because my MIL knows that I care a lot more about exposing my kids to regular kid-friendly activities and events than her son and will be more likely to send her photos from that stuff than he will.

[goldengirlz]

It’s a weird response because it’s not how most people would phrase it. So it’s impossible to know what she means without doing some armchair psychoanalysis.

Like if it were MY mom? She would mean, “It’s about time you did something with your child instead of working all the time.”

Or sonrisa could be right that she legit means, “Thank you for giving them all these wonderful experiences.”

Tl;dr context probably matters here. Text-based communication does not appear to be her strong point.

[doctoranda]

What pops in my mind right away is that she thinks that you want/need praise and are sending the picture to show her what you did. That would irritate me. But I also like whatever else people have offered up. I would just diplomatically ask about it sometime or say "if all my picture sending bothers you just let me know, I just thought you might want to see what DS is up to/cute pictures of DS".

[cville]

Jun 8, 2020 15:19:45 GMT -5 goldengirlz said:

It’s a weird response because it’s not how most people would phrase it. So it’s impossible to know what she means without doing some armchair psychoanalysis.

Like if it were MY mom? She would mean, “It’s about time you did something with your child instead of working all the time.”

Or sonrisa could be right that she legit means, “Thank you for giving them all these wonderful experiences.”

Tl;dr context probably matters here. Text-based communication does not appear to be her strong point.

Yeah, thinking about it more I think if I'm being honest she's like 33% thinking I'm doing it on her behalf because they're HER grandchildren and 66% just awkwardly trying to be nice.


I'm going to just let it go and make up my mind not to be annoyed. Whoo-sah.

Thanks everyone.

[waverly]

I think the way she phrases it is a bit weird. I don't get a ton of requests for pictures and don't send a lot but usually I just get back "cute!" or a question on what we were doing. I think she appreciates what I do, but she doesn't phrase it like thanks for ....

[tacokick]

It’s very odd phrasing and she (over the years) seems like a pain in general so I personally wouldn’t assume it is innocent but I admit I am petty.

[picaflora]

My Grandma-in-law posts comments like that when my SIL puts pictures of her kids on Facebook. So I'm leaning towards awkward old(er) people responses.

[isabel]

Jun 8, 2020 14:58:45 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Both? It's probably her way of trying to show she appreciates your mothering.

I agree with this. I still think it’s annoying, but maybe coming from a place of appreciation. Like, “thank you for engaging with your kids” kind of thing. Which, frankly, I’m kind of sensitive about personally because I feel pretty inadequate on that front, so it would really bother me if my MIL did that. Lol

[wildrice]

I don't have kids, but my mom says that not infrequently too. It's usually when I've done something nice or helpful to others (oh you made a donation to something totally unrelated to me? Thank you for doing that. You helped a new employee find their way? Thank you for doing that. You volunteered for an organization? Thank you for doing that). I've always found it an irritating quirk but I've never thought she meant she thought I did it actually FOR her. More like thanking me on behalf of humanity. Lol. I don't know.


I would try not to take it personally. I doubt she actually thinks you are doing it FOR her.

[wildrice]

Jun 8, 2020 16:02:48 GMT -5 @heyitsme said:

My mom does this and I’m with you - it’s weird. I don’t have kids but here is an example - if I tell her I’m giving blood for example, she thanks me for giving blood.

Obviously not a big issue and I love my mom but no less annoying.

Hey, sister! We must have the same mom.

[Patsy Baloney]

My mom and my MIL do this. I think it’s their way of acknowledging their background? Neither grew up with many opportunities, so when we do something like, “Here’s us on the train to Chicago,” or, “Here’s us planting flowers in the back yard,” it’s very, “Oooooh my sweet grand babies shall want for nothing,” with the, “Thank you for doing that,” response.

It’s odd. But it’s better than, “I miss you so much we never hear from you,” blah blah blah.

You have my blessing to be like, “What an annoying twit,” and move on with your day.

[Pilsy]

I recently lost my MIL and find myself thinking about all the things that used to annoy me for no real reason at all, so take this with a grain of salt, but I think it's entirely innocent and her way of responding positively. Like someone else said, I think it's odd phrasing but an attempt to say you're doing a good job and how nice it is you're doing whatever it is you're doing. In no way do I think she thinks you're doing those things for her.

starryfish, I hear you! My SIL ignores most of my texts, which I think is pretty rude, but now my husband and I just laugh about that, too. Still rude, mind you, but no longer getting me down. It's taken me a long time to reach this mindset. lol

[SusanBAnthony]

My initial read is she is complementing you for being a great mom.

[cinnamoncox0]

Jun 8, 2020 15:12:05 GMT -5 cville said:

Jun 8, 2020 15:02:11 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Like ‘thank you for giving them nice cream’? Weird!!

Yes. Today it was thanks for taking them to a protest. Yesterday it was thank you for taking them swimming. Last week it was thank you to me for taking my own kid to her end of year car parade.

I can see it coming off kind of weird almost like you’re doing it for her, like it was supposed to be her taking them wherever or doing whatever with them, but you stood in for her. I hope I’m saying that right.

How do you reply? “You’re welcome!”? Or something else.

Maybe she’s just awkward in text and doesn’t know what to say and doesn’t want to not say anything?
Definitely weird vibes for sure. Maybe with a dash of BEC?

[starryfish]

Jun 8, 2020 16:16:50 GMT -5 Pilsy said:

I recently lost my MIL and find myself thinking about all the things that used to annoy me for no real reason at all, so take this with a grain of salt, but I think it's entirely innocent and her way of responding positively. Like someone else said, I think it's odd phrasing but an attempt to say you're doing a good job and how nice it is you're doing whatever it is you're doing. In no way do I think she thinks you're doing those things for her.

starryfish, I hear you! My SIL ignores most of my texts, which I think is pretty rude, but now my husband and I just laugh about that, too. Still rude, mind you, but no longer getting me down. It's taken me a long time to reach this mindset. lol

I’m sorry for your loss.


Yea I’m mostly over it, I just send them less pics Bc of it. I send more to my family and mi
Mil/sil who are amazing!

[steph96]

So weird! How does she respond if your husband sends a picture?

[Pilsy]

Jun 8, 2020 17:59:06 GMT -5 starryfish said:

Jun 8, 2020 16:16:50 GMT -5 Pilsy said:

I recently lost my MIL and find myself thinking about all the things that used to annoy me for no real reason at all, so take this with a grain of salt, but I think it's entirely innocent and her way of responding positively. Like someone else said, I think it's odd phrasing but an attempt to say you're doing a good job and how nice it is you're doing whatever it is you're doing. In no way do I think she thinks you're doing those things for her.

starryfish , I hear you! My SIL ignores most of my texts, which I think is pretty rude, but now my husband and I just laugh about that, too. Still rude, mind you, but no longer getting me down. It's taken me a long time to reach this mindset. lol

I’m sorry for your loss.


Yea I’m mostly over it, I just send them less pics Bc of it. I send more to my family and mi
Mil/sil who are amazing!

I'm glad you have a winning MIL and SIL. If all the in-laws were pains in the ass, that would be too much. lol

ETA: Thank you. 

[cville]

Jun 8, 2020 18:20:54 GMT -5 steph96 said:

So weird! How does she respond if your husband sends a picture?

I send 90% of the photos. He handles the business end of our relationship so she typically uses anything he sends as an entre to set up a call, discuss their next visit, etc.

[cville]

Jun 8, 2020 17:51:45 GMT -5 cinnamoncox0 said:

Jun 8, 2020 15:12:05 GMT -5 cville said:

Yes. Today it was thanks for taking them to a protest. Yesterday it was thank you for taking them swimming. Last week it was thank you to me for taking my own kid to her end of year car parade.

I can see it coming off kind of weird almost like you’re doing it for her, like it was supposed to be her taking them wherever or doing whatever with them, but you stood in for her. I hope I’m saying that right.

How do you reply? “You’re welcome!”? Or something else.

Maybe she’s just awkward in text and doesn’t know what to say and doesn’t want to not say anything?
Definitely weird vibes for sure. Maybe with a dash of BEC?

I don't. I just pretend I didn't see it and move on to the next topic.

[felicity]

I think it depends on who is saying it. I can imagine certain people saying this where it would come off sounding superior and as if they think they have a bigger stake in raising your kids than you do. This is the kind of person who probably makes a lot of things about themselves that really aren't.

Other people I could see it being a way to thank you for caring so well for the future generation. MIL would say things like this sometimes, and I usually saw it that way since she had some trauma in her life before meeting FIL.

[Roc A Bee]

I understand. I sometimes send pics of my step kids to their mom doing an activity. She always responds by thanking me or appreciates me. In my head I always think, I don’t do any of this for you! I do it for them or our family. But she really is BEC to me and makes everything about her. I could go on and on. But just letting you know, you aren’t alone lol.