Bedroom quandry

[jade]

We live a in a ranch.  There are 2 bedrooms on the main floor, a sorta bedroom in the basement, and an unfinished part of the basement that could be turned into a room, but no egress window so not legal.

Before DD, DS had one bedroom, H and I used the other as the master, with H sleeping in the basement when I snored or whatever.  The plan before DD was born was that she would share with DS.  But that has turned out to be unworkable since DS is 8 and stays up late reading to his stuffed animals or building forts in there.  Plus he as keen on the idea of sharing now as he was before she was born.  For the past year DD has been sleeping in a PnP in my room, and H has pretty much moved into the basement since he prefers it down there.

Few weeks ago I moved to the couch so I could get DD to STTN, which has worked (yay!).  Now I am afraid to move back in in case we backtrack on the sleeping or whatever.  Plus, her being in the PnP is not a long term solution and we have no room for a crib in that room.

So, the arrangement that makes the most sense is to turn the second room upstairs into DD's room and H and I officially move into the basement.  But I tried to sleep in the basement last night and couldn't.  My mind kept racing that I was so far away from both kids and what if I was cut off from them during a fire or intruder or whatever.  So I moved back to the couch.

DS doesn't want to move to the basement, H doesn't want to move upstairs, and I probably don't want to sleep on the couch forever.  It looks like these are my options:

- Get over my anxiety of basement sleeping
- Figure out a long term room sharing arrangement for me and DD
- Try to get the kids to share
- Move
- Try to turn what used to be the third upstairs bedroom back into a bedroom, which is now a kind of sitting area with a woodstove in it
- Finish the basement and convince DS to move down there and DD take his room

I know plenty of people have a main floor master with the kids upstairs, but for some reason that feels different than the kids on the main floor and us in the basement.  At least in my head it does.

Moving is problematic because real estate in this town is super overpriced right now and H and I can't even agree on how much or what kind of house to buy.  Plus I like this location and house otherwise.  I don't know if I can sell H on remodeling the upstairs.

So basically I am stuck.  I thought I would have figured this out by now.  WWYD?

[sdlaura]

We’re having bedroom issues now too, since DH and I both need a home office, and I’m not sure our DS2 is ready to move in with his brother, and our oldest really wants her own room.

Anyway, if I were you I’d probably try to turn the other upstairs space into a bedroom. Seems like that would sleep you close fo the kids and hopefully solve the other issues? I wouldn’t move with everything going on.

[keweenawlove]

Could you look at putting a legal egress window in the basement? Or would you still have fears of being separated?

[isabel]

Can you remove the wood stove from the third main floor bedroom? It’s hard without pictures to know what you’re describing, but that’s my initial inclination.

I agree that being in the basement with the kids on the main floor isn’t the same as you being on the main floor with them upstairs and I wouldn’t be thrilled with that. That said, if the third bedroom idea isn’t workable, I would add an egress window to the basement and either move DS down there (with a good video monitor) or you guys (with a video monitor for both kids and an alarm system).

[waverly]

Turn third bedroom back into a third bedroom. When they are small all they need is a crib. Once they are bigger, if the room is small you could do a loft bed.

If the master or 2nd bedroom are a large size you could potentially split the bedroom.

[kershnic]

My initial reactions it that re-doing your third bedroom on the main floor is the obvious answer. Do you use that space for much? Is there room to have a safe bedroom (sounds like maybe a bedroom just for you?) with the wood stove still in there, or would it have to go? What are the downsides to making that space a bedroom?

[SusanBAnthony]

I would just make DS move to the basement (or move DD since she is too young to care) as a short term solution. If you move DS entice him with new bedding or decor or whatever. I would make it a legal egress though if I was having a kid sleep downstairs.

Personally long term I'd convert the 3rd bedroom back to a bedroom.

[pierogigirl]

I'd convert the third bedroom back to a bedroom and make a sitting room out of the unused part of the basement, if you need a sitting room/office. I would not move a kid down there when they're little.

[sometimesrunner]

I follow a blogger who has 2 small kids in a 1 bedroom apartment and their solution was to add a murphy bed to the living area for the adults. Would that be possible in your space?

[jade]

The 3rd bedroom walls were removed by the previous owner to open up the space. So we would have to move the wood stove and build some walls to make it back into a room. This is my preferred solution but H is going to be a hard sell.

Putting an egress window in the basement would mean tearing out the back deck. Eventually I would like to finish that space and make it an office/second playroom/potential bedroom.

[tiki]

FWIW my DD slept happily in a PNP until well past 2 years (Starting at around a year I did add a pillow and make it considerably more cushy). It worked so well that we never bought a crib, just went straight from PNP to floor bed. Just something to consider as you think about how much space you need.

[penguingrrl]

I’d convert the third bedroom back into a bedroom.

We lived in a cape with us on the main floor and the kids upstairs for 18 months and none of us were comfortable with the arrangement even with older kids (they were 7, 5 and 2 when we moved in there) DS didn’t sleep well being separated by stairs from me and H, and H and I were nervous as well. I know a lot of people don’t mind that arrangement at all, but we didn’t like it.

[krystee]

Given the big changes that would need to be made, my inclination would be to move if you don’t adore your house and neighborhood, but I am a real estate junkie and check listings daily even though I have zero intention of moving.

[Mrs.flang]

The best solution sounds like converting the bedroom back so I’d try to start working on DH for that as a long term solution, and until then KOKO. Maybe something else will give before you get around to it.

[pinkly]

Given your current concerns, I’d vote for the 3rd bedroom back into a bedroom as well. Our youngest moved into the basement bedroom at around 8 or 9, I’d say. She’s nearly 13 and I still worry about the fire/intruder thing. I don’t think that’ll go away for you easily.

[Blue Moon]

I definitely don't blame you for not wanting to be in the basement with the kids upstairs. That would definitely give me anxiety too.

I would definitely vote for the making the third bedroom your DD's room. At one year old, all she needs is a crib or even just the pac n play. My second choice would be to figure out how to get the kids to room share. If you son is used to staying up later, maybe he can readjust to spending his time reading in the sitting room before going in his bedroom when he's ready to sleep. Plenty of kids with different bedtimes share rooms. My third choice would be to figure out how to room share with DD- maybe a partition of some kind between her pac n play and your bed, even if it's just an opaque sheet or something.

[ssmjlm]

I would convert the 3rd bedroom back. Would it be possible to do it w/o construction? What about a big Ikea bookcase that blocks a good chunk of a "wall" area. I think they're doing curbside pick-up now.

www.ikea.com/us/en/p/kallax-shelf-unit-white-70301537/

I would probably see if I could just do some type of room divider setup and get her into a crib in her own area.

[icedcoffee]

Turn the 3rd bedroom back. I don't blame you for not wanting to be in the basement. I agree it's different than a main floor master with kids upstairs.

I also don't love the idea of an illegal basement bedroom as a long term solution. And I'll be clear that we have one of these and use it as a guest bedroom, but I don't like it as a "permanent" thing and I'm not sure I would let someone stay down there long term.

[brooke77]

I would convert the third bedroom upstairs to DD’s bedroom. I would also seriously look into moving. It sounds like in a couple years, you need a different house layout.

[Velar Fricative]

Jun 9, 2020 8:45:49 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

I would convert the 3rd bedroom back. Would it be possible to do it w/o construction? What about a big Ikea bookcase that blocks a good chunk of a "wall" area. I think they're doing curbside pick-up now.

www.ikea.com/us/en/p/kallax-shelf-unit-white-70301537/

I would probably see if I could just do some type of room divider setup and get her into a crib in her own area.

We were in a 1BR apartment when DD1 was born and used this (plus a smaller one on top of it to extend up to the ceiling) to separate her nursery from the living room (we converted our dining room into her nursery) and it worked really well. It did double-duty and provided much needed shelving. This would be a good way to create that temporary third bedroom until you do something more permanent. 

But yeah, my top choice would be converting that space on the main floor into a third bedroom. Basement egress isn't generally good enough (or existent) for me to be comfortable with that. Moving for what I think is a solvable issue isn't ideal unless you already wanted to move for other reasons too.

[SusanBAnthony]

The more I think about it, I'd either have you sleep in the open 3rd bedroom, and each kid in a bedroom. Or I'd make the kids share rooms. Divide their room in half with shelving, and have your son play in your room in the evening until he is actually ready to go to sleep.

[statgirl]

Here is my (completely made up) opinion:

1. DS and DD get the two “real” bedrooms.
2. You move all your stuff to the basement and set up your/your husbands room in there.
3. Buy a nice daybed for the sitting room and have it be your sleeping space. You can put up shelving if you want it more “room” like or not if the daybed looks good enough. You could also do a modular sectional that could function as a bed or a sitting space. Heck, put a loft bed in if it brings you joy and allows for a sitting space.
4. As your kids age, you may get more comfortable with the basement. Or you may not. The kids may decide to share or other solutions may arise. I get hung up on the perfect solution a lot when the good enough for now will suffice.

I say this as someone who is desperate for my “own” space right now.

[jade]

Well, as expected, H looked at me like I was a crazy person for suggesting we rebuild the third bedroom. He thinks it is too radical a suggestion when I could just "get over" my "irrational" fear of basement sleeping.

I think I am going to see what rearranging could happen with the current master. It isn't huge, but maybe I can set it up so it is more like two separate spaces.

The only real downside to couch sleeping long term is H has a tendency to leave the house early on weekends to snowboard and mountain bike, and wakes me up.

[sdlaura]

jade would he rather move? I think that would be crazier. If you do ever decide to move, I imagine you’d get more for your house if it was a true 3 bedroom. Maybe he’d see the financial benefit.

[minniemouse]

I’m with you - I would not like sleeping in the basement with the kids on the main floor. If it’s too much work to rebuild the 3rd bedroom I would want to move.

[cricketwife]

Jun 9, 2020 11:09:26 GMT -5 jade said:

Well, as expected, H looked at me like I was a crazy person for suggesting we rebuild the third bedroom. He thinks it is too radical a suggestion when I could just "get over" my "irrational" fear of basement sleeping.

I think I am going to see what rearranging could happen with the current master. It isn't huge, but maybe I can set it up so it is more like two separate spaces.

The only real downside to couch sleeping long term is H has a tendency to leave the house early on weekends to snowboard and mountain bike, and wakes me up.

I think you’ve been doing this too long to realize that your H waking you up isn’t the only real downside to sleeping on the couch longterm.   This is your house. This is your family.  I’m sure you will find the solution that is right for you. But I feel strongly that the right solution is highly unlikely to be you sleeping on the couch for the long term.  Please don’t do that. 

[MDmomof2]

I'm not living in your house so I understand it's hard for me to fully understand, but converting the 3rd upstairs bedroom TO AN ACTUAL BEDROOM seems to make the most sense. Short term, sure, set up a couch or space to sleep elsewhere. But long term I think you should really look at making the 3rd bedroom functional as such. I know you bought the house with only 2 real bedrooms but it will help your resale value to have 3 functional bedrooms on the main level. AND it seems to fit your current family lifestyle a lot better!

[wildrice]

Jun 9, 2020 13:10:43 GMT -5 cricketwife said:

Jun 9, 2020 11:09:26 GMT -5 jade said:

Well, as expected, H looked at me like I was a crazy person for suggesting we rebuild the third bedroom. He thinks it is too radical a suggestion when I could just "get over" my "irrational" fear of basement sleeping.

I think I am going to see what rearranging could happen with the current master. It isn't huge, but maybe I can set it up so it is more like two separate spaces.

The only real downside to couch sleeping long term is H has a tendency to leave the house early on weekends to snowboard and mountain bike, and wakes me up.

I think you’ve been doing this too long to realize that your H waking you up isn’t the only real downside to sleeping on the couch longterm.   This is your house. This is your family.  I’m sure you will find the solution that is right for you. But I feel strongly that the right solution is highly unlikely to be you sleeping on the couch for the long term.  Please don’t do that. 

Yeah this sounds crazy to me. So the adults just won't sleep in beds indefinitely? You'll never have a shared bed or shared private space with your H? If you continue sharing with your DD, what happens when she gets older and doesn't want to sleep with mom forever? What if you are down with a flu or something else where you need a quiet, private space to rest? What if you want to have sex? 

I think you need to either somehow build a third bedroom, whether it's converting the 3rd bedroom space or creating one downstairs. Or you need to move. The current situation isn't sustainable for the long haul, even if it's manageable right now. 

[tacom]

I would give my 8 year old the choice to share with his sister or move to the basement, secretly hoping he would move to the basement and force my husband back into our shared bedroom.

I wouldn’t be ok with sleeping in the basement with my kids on the main floor since that feels like it leaves them more vulnerable to an intruder. I think I would be ok with an older child in the basement though

I would not want to do any construction for recovering the bedroom or ripping out the deck unless I was sure we were staying long term and / or would recoup the $$

[jade]

I will try to address some comments:

So this house was actually purchased by H when he graduated college and I moved in when we were dating. So not purchased with family in mind. We actually used the basement as our master until DS was born and I wanted to be closer to him upstairs. There is a full queen bed down there, but now that room is also a den with the big TV and the gaming computer.

The first floor has a living room as you enter, a kitchen/dining area and then a family room, which we use as the kids play area. The other side is the bathroom, bedrooms, and yet another open area with a woodstove, the cat litter box, and right now my temporary desk. I have always thought this space was wasted, how many places do you really need to sit in a house. We have a few chairs in here so we can sit in front of the stove but for the most part it is just pass through space.

The space used to be almost completely taken up with a massive stove/brick thing built by the previous owner. I at least convinced H to tear it out and make the space more useable with a smaller stove when we redid the kitchen and all the floors.

I think he is attached to the house the way it is because he bought it and it works for him, so he has a hard time seeing how it might work better for everyone.

He actually does want to move. He wants a lot more square feet with a three car garage and I just want the same size but with a different layout. He also wants to move out of our town and I don't really want to, so we just stay here.