I'm about to be in the same boat with in laws but without the Dh problem, this was a mutual decision.
You need to talk to Dh. I've said several times leading up to this trip, this is my vacation too and I am tired of trying to facilitate everyone else's good time and I come home more stressed than I started. My goal is to do what I want and not spend the entire time catering to others.
rere - I’ve come to that perspective with some sleep. DH actually went home this morning (90 mins each way) to get a better air mattress. Either he will sleep on it or DD1 will claim it and I will get her bed.
When he gets back, I’m leaving. Anyone is welcome to join me, but I’m going for a walk at a local nature reserve. He will be annoyed, I won’t care. I’ve come to terms with the fact that he won’t be engaged at all, that this is not my vacation. My vacation will come when he takes the kids camping in August.
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
Oh man, that’s tough. I’d be tempted to grab the kids and leave. That sounds like too much to put up with on a “vacation”. Hope you’re able to get some relaxing time.
Ugh I’m so sorry. I’m glad he went to get another air mattress. If it’s only 90 minutes to your house, I think I’d consider legit leaving this arrangement. Drive home and stay there.
mae0111, Can you lay down the law and tell your DH that you get a day to yourself? Sounds like he owes you, since he's getting a 14 hour boat trip day with the guys. It's the least he can do.
I get not rocking the boat with the ILs. Sort of. I really think that you should book a girl's trip for just you (no kids or DH) for a week. I think you need it.
I have already told DH that when the kids are used to him again I am taking a me myself and I vacation. That I need some time where someone doesn't want or need something from me. To be my own person and enjoy myself.
I get not rocking the boat with the ILs. Sort of. I really think that you should book a girl's trip for just you (no kids or DH) for a week. I think you need it.
I have already told DH that when the kids are used to him again I am taking a me myself and I vacation. That I need some time where someone doesn't want or need something from me. To be my own person and enjoy myself.
Already planned - DH takes the kids camping for a week in August. I’m left alone. I may go away, but with all the COVID stuff I will likely just stay home and enjoy the silence. Maybe dinners or a girls evening at my house. Looking forward to it.
Ugh mae0111. I took the kids to the beach Sunday and this group of older women first started to set up their beach tent directly in front of a walkway/entrance onto the beach. They finally realized that was a bad idea when people kept having to nearly step on them to enter and exit the beach. So then they move 20ish feet and set up directly in front of my beach chair, so I can’t see my kids boogie boarding while I sit with the baby and toddler. Some people are so clueless!
sdlaura - that makes me nuts. My kids would do that if left to their own devices... which is why they’re not allowed to pick the beach spot. But grown people making that decision makes me crazy. On par with people that stop their shopping cart in the middle of the aisle, or stop walking in the middle of a crowded sidewalk to check their phone. BE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS!!
Post by mustardseed2007 on Jul 7, 2020 14:52:42 GMT -5
Yeah when we were at the beach recently we left when some teenagers set up immediately next to our tent. Like they had a shirt that was under our tent.
Our beach house was on the beach though, so we just went inside and came back out when they left (early evening).
I am so sorry, this sounds awful. Have you expressed ANY of your frustrations with your DH? Back when it was all booked? When the inlaws decided the come the night before? When the nephew came to stay? Either your DH doesn't care about you and your feelings at all or he has no clue how you feel. Not sure which one is better. ((HUGS))
My Dh vent. On vacation. We went to do some of the activities the kids want to do. They had a blast. But it was hot. And everyone gave me their phones, glasses, tickets etc. Plus I had the money, masks, hand sanitizer . Dd can find her sun glasses after it was over. She gets mad, I get frustrated that she is mad, plus trying to keep up with everything, then end up finding them in the truck. DH's contribution was to tell me to chill out and then say, do I need to take you home. Because that will make it better. I told him he disrespected and embarrassed me in front of the kids. His response was if you want to stay mad, stay mad. So I am. Instead of a nice day, I really just want to avoid everyone.
madringal - yes, I expressed frustrations all along the way. My feelings 100% do not matter at all in this situation.
It is what it is. I don’t get a say in “family” vacations. So when he takes the kids away, I get my time. And I plan different things for me and the kids.
I’m not in a good place today. On top of everything else, DD1 didn’t take her meds again (because I wasn’t here to supervise her breakfast - DH was) and now she’s off the rails.
rere - I have started announcing before we leave the house that I will not be responsible for any things that I don’t recommend bringing. So i will pack water, but if you insist on bringing your silly sparkly purse to the beach, you will carry that silly, sparkly purse the whole time or you will dump it on the sand and ruin it.
This came after years of everyone dumping stuff on me and then becoming incensed when I can’t reproduce the objects fast enough.
So I hear you. It’s a common point of frustration in my house.
mae0111- you still have a therapist, right? You might want to explore the fact that without him around, you all had a great day. With him around, every day sucked. This vacation might not have been ruined by your in laws’ presence but your husband’s.
I also think you guys need to try couples counseling. Because what’s happening now is beyond merely unacceptable. You don’t deserve this. And you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You’ve done nothing wrong.
I just want to second what mommyatty said. When life is better and more enjoyable as soon as he's not around, it's pretty telling that maybe he's the issue here, not you and your expectations.
We're here for you, but I think talking to a couples counselor or your own therapist to unpack what happened this week would help a lot.
I'm going to disagree with the couple's counseling for now, and suggest straight up individual counseling with an emphasis on exploring wether or not your anxiety issues are being triggered and exasperated by your husband. You have been on the board for a long time with a successful career. You took a break because of the stress, but you seem to be so much more stressed after you left.
I know you only share part of the story here so ignore me if I am way off base and I am only saying this because I see a lot of warning flags;
The stories you share about your H seem like emotional and verbal abuse. I remember an incident a while back that almost had you out the door, and I remember you saying your felt rushed to forgive and let him know you were staying and moving back in the room with him. (No respect for your boundaries)
In the 12 year relationship I have had with my H, we have fought and yelled and cried, but I never once had to worry about him waking up not talking to me. We have woken up not talking, but we both knew why.
I am not saying your husband is a bad person, or even being malicious about any of it. He sounds immature on the communication in front, but also acting like a bully.
I think you need tools to help you communicate with someone like him before committing to couple's counseling. Someone you resonate with and can support you. Then find someone who can support both of you.
I 100% agree that we need couples counseling. I’ve suggested it in the past. And he flat out refuses every time.
I have tried to get better about the way I argue. He cannot have an argument/discussion in a productive way. When I suggest counseling again, if I can assume that past performance is indicative of future results, he will pout and turn it around on me. He can’t see couples counseling as a way for us to improve our communication. He sees it as him failing at another marriage.
But I’m going to try. Because the alternatives are really sad to me.
xctsclrx - I’ve been in therapy for a while. Like you, she only hears my side of things, but her perspective is that he’s a very selfish person. I would agree with that. In many little ways, he puts himself first. Things like... we go to the beach, he sets up an umbrella. He will put one chair directly under it, and makes sure his cooler of beer has a good spot. Then the other chair is only half under. Guess which chair he takes? Once, I beat him to it and say I’m the good chair. He said nothing, but stood there not knowing what to do. Almost like it hadn’t occurred to him that the other option wasn’t a good one.
Stuff like that sounds petty and hard to pinpoint, but it adds up.
My therapist has suggested tools and techniques to push back, but not necessarily new ways to communicate. That’s why I was leaning toward couples counseling. We need a mediator to help us discuss things productively.
And I also think my anxiety plays a huge role in all of this. He doesn’t understand how it affects me. He thinks I can just turn it off, and he only seems to see how it affects him.