mae0111, when I gave exH the ultimatum of couples counseling and his response was to flip it back on me, insist I needed solo counseling instead, and told me he "didn't have time to fit that in" it was when I really checked out and just kind of gave up on my marriage. To me, his response to my cry for help for "us" made it very clear that he was not seeing it as "us" anymore. I know the alternatives are heartbreaking and not where you want to go, but don't keep yourself in a bad situation because it's "not that bad" and "other people have it worse."
I highly recommend listening to or reading UnTamed and Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle. I also really liked Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed. Those books helped me a lot when I was processing everything.
All I can say is I hear you 100% mae0111. Move forward with that marriage counselor. Do a little googling on Gottmans 4 Horseman. It’s really eye opening.
mae0111, glad to hear you are in therapy, I was not thinking that your anxiety is causing the problem. I am worried that your H is causing your anxiety. Not all of it, but maybe being on edge with the DD and H issues are throwing you into hyperdrive.
anyway saying this as a random internet person with no real insight to your life. Just a concern for someone I have "known" for awhile.
Good Luck, hopefully he will respond better after this trip.
xctsclrx - I think you made some really good points. I’ve felt for a while that DH doesn’t understand my anxiety, but hadn’t considered that he triggers it. I work so hard to hide it from him that it causes more anxiety. The glimpses that I give him... I end up feeling so much worse. Most of it is unintentional on his part. He’s selfish by nature, and my anxiety is an affront to him somehow. Like he’s failing somehow. He can’t comprehend that it might not have anything to do with him... because everything has something to do with him. I use the phrase “It’s not about you” a LOT.
The drinking around his family is a major issue. Personally I would not be attending any more vacations that involve his family. I realize they invited themselves but all your H had to say was this is a vacation just for us, so no you can’t rent the house next to us.
As far as the selfishness I don’t know if people always see it. I would try to point it out- not trying to get into a fight but hey did you realize. Sometimes we make a joke of it. I would not say DH is inherently selfish though, but he has moments of OK back to me, and I tease him about it sometimes.
mae0111, I hope it's okay if I chime in here. I don't know your personal back story, but I always like to try to offer help and perspective if I can. It's also possible that I am totally off base, so please feel free to ignore me! This is something I talk to my friends who are married about a lot (husbands being selfish and not considering the needs of others) because something always happens when any of them take family vacations. One thing I encounter all the time with my friends who are in relationships is the amount of emotional labor women have to take on (accommodating others, packing, getting things prepped and planned, organizing everything for the kids, making appointments, scheduling car repairs, and so on and so on!). It just seems that some men (A LOT!) just assume that women will take care of things and be okay with whatever happens. (I didn't get to see your original post before it was gone, so again I may be way off base!) However, if you are feeling anxiety and stress, and going on a family vacation makes it worse I think that is something to think about. I for one cannot imagine having a vacation planned and then suddenly being told that my in-laws and other family members are also going to attend and be with us all the time. That would be a solid no go for me! I'm sorry you are dealing with this and that things were so stressful on what was supposed to be a vacation for you! I agree that counseling (individual and/or couples) would be beneficial. However, I also think couples counseling would be important because he needs to hear how he is negatively impacting you! The fact that you say he is selfish by nature makes me think it would be important for him to know that, hear that, and have someone else affirm that! I know if my spouse told me that and an outside third party agreed with them, I would definitely want to make that something I work on and try to improve. I hope this helps!