Communication with Friends/Family during Labor

[madDawg228]

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable about how much information I want to share once I head to the hospital for L&D.

My preference would be to only inform my work, H's work, and our friend who is taking care of our dog when we head to the hospital for L&D. Like many others, once we start the laboring process at the hospital, neither H or I will be allowed to leave the delivery & recovery room we're assigned. H will be in our room just as long as I am.

I do have an induction date, which we have shared with friends and family, but I don't want to update ANYONE with how labor progresses (before or after the induction, if it comes to that). I would rather wait until after the baby is born to share the news - and the news being that he's here, not how he got there (my laboring experience).

H wants to text/talk to his family after we arrive at the hospital whenever he has time when I'm laboring. I don't want my labor progress to be discussed with anyone outside of H and the medical staff, nor do I want to share what ends up happening until I'm mentally ready. I get the radio silence could be annoying to family and H might want to chat to pass the time, but I really don't want H on the phone and letting anything "slip" about how hard the labor is, that I might need a C-Section, etc.

I want to keep my birth story to myself, and let myself process it before I decide if I want to share it. Am I an asshole, if I tell H to NOT communicate with his family while I'm in labor? 

[lemoncupcake]

I don’t go here, but read your post and wanted to respond.

It sounds like this is all centered around concerns that things won’t go smoothly? Do you generally have good, healthy relationships with your family that he wants to communicate with or are there existing issues with boundaries and judgement?

In my personal situation I couldn’t imagine not telling my immediate family the barest of updates - “going to the hospital, send us good thoughts” and then maybe an update every 4-5 hours. If there’s a risk that he will be tied to his phone talking/texting to everyone he knows then that’s a definite No.

[madDawg228]

Jul 5, 2020 22:16:50 GMT -5 lemoncupcake said:

I don’t go here, but read your post and wanted to respond.

It sounds like this is all centered around concerns that things won’t go smoothly? Do you generally have good, healthy relationships with your family that he wants to communicate with or are there existing issues with boundaries and judgement?

In my personal situation I couldn’t imagine not telling my immediate family the barest of updates - “going to the hospital, send us good thoughts” and then maybe an update every 4-5 hours. If there’s a risk that he will be tied to his phone talking/texting to everyone he knows then that’s a definite No.

We have good relationships with his family (whom he wants to update), my ILs live on the other side of the country so communication is limited to phone/internet currently anyways. I want him to inform them after the birth, so there can be less room to discuss any of the in-between stuff - just the exciting NEW BABY stuff.

I think Labor Time should be ME time, and I don't like sharing my personal information when I'm in a vulnerable place normally so I'm assuming I will feel the same way whenever I start labor. 

I don't plan to inform my family when I head to the hospital; my dad and I aren't super close and my mom passed away a few years ago. My preference to not inform any family is probably biased because of that, and because I don't plan to be on my phone while I labor (part of my "birth plan"). Though I will definitely be calling/texting my dad, ILs, extended family, and close friends shortly after the baby arrives. I'm looking forward to sharing the news of the birth.

Thank you for your questions/advice, it's helpful to see other thoughts and it helps me evaluate my position. I'm 38w, and it's been a difficult time to be pregnant and my emotions are all over the place right now. Thank you, again.

[lemoncupcake]

You definitely get the veto here and whatever you want is what you guys should do.

[jennistarr1]

I think there is room to compromise

somewhere in between radio silence and "she is bouncing on the ball, the nurse came in to check her and she's still only 2 inches, they're going to up the Pitocin once she's back in the bed but she says she needs to poop first"

my induction went all night and well of course not according to plan which was to call our families when we were getting close so they could make their way to the hospital. we ended up calling them to come up midnight because that's when a csection decision was going to be made, I delivered at 2...and they still didn't get to see baby because she was sent to NICU. Some where in there, i felt like i had lost all control, yelled at my mom (guilt guilt guilt because she has since passed away)

i would try to find a way to use the excitement for good...there may be "good' times for him to call and just give updates that are vague "she's doing well but the doctors are telling us it could still be a while"

[macmars45]

It's your body and your experience. You are pushing a human out of your body so I think whatever you are comfortable with should be what happens.

I was induced so my immediate family and close friends all knew the date. The hospital I gave birth in has their maternity ward in the basement and cell reception is nil. So my mom called my room 2x during the hours I was laboring and just after I gave birth. I told her beforehand that the reception was bad and we'd let her know when our DS arrived and yet...  

In hindsight, things progressed quickly after DS' 7:20pm birth and he was checked constantly and then taken to NICU around 4am so I never got a chance to talk to her like I probably should've. In between being stitched up, eating, bfing, doing skin to skin and DS' blood sugar plummeting time flew by. It was all overwhelming/scary and fast. DS was not a sleepy newborn either.

[lovesherheels]

Vote: you are not an asshole if you ask your DH to not communicate with his family during your labor.

My DH and I had a lot of conversations like that -- he wanted to tell everyone, I didn't -- prior to having our DS. I wound up winning because I had an unexpected c-section and he didn't have time to call anyone, lol. Afterward, we waited a few hours to call people to tell them -- at his decision. FWIW, he's told me a number of times in hindsight that he's glad we didn't call anyone when we went to the hospital because he would have been distracted.

I think generally you get the veto here, but there is probably a compromise to be found if you want to find it (and if you're nicer than I was at the end of my pregnancy lol). 

[Susie]

Jul 6, 2020 9:31:28 GMT -5 macmars45 said:

It's your body and your experience. You are pushing a human out of your body so I think whatever you are comfortable with should be what happens.

I'm here.  

Your labor progress is your medical information.  It's sweet that your H is excited, and that his family wants to know, but it's your information, body, and privacy, and if you say no, then that should be the answer.

Is he the kind of person that usually passes time by texting, so it's just a habit?  If so, maybe try to help him think up some things he can do to pass the time that aren't texting.  Reading can be tough, but load some movies/shows on an iPad?  Mindless games?  (Books are good, but I can never concentrate on them at a time like this.)  His desire to be free to text with his family throughout is just so very backseat to what is central and important on this day.  

I had one baby spontaneously MOTN, so I was totally spared all of these worries, but #2 was an induction and everybody knew the date bc we were coordinating care for DD.  We did not share progress with anyone until DS was safely born.  I felt like L&D was a very personal, private, and intense setting and time, especially because both of my labors were relatively short, and I didn't want anyone in that bubble with us, even just via text.

[clseale]

It seems a little extreme to me, BUT I think it is your call to make. With that said, if things take a really long time, it might be a nice courtesy just to send a quick message saying things are ok, but taking longer and you’ll update when ready. I only say that because we were sent to the hospital for decels dd was having and my mom would have been a nervous wreck if we went radio silent for the 44 hrs it took for dd to arrive. But again- your body, your labor, your call.

[pinkly]

I didn’t want to contact anyone until after my kids’ births either. I knew his family would show up at the hospital, which I did NOT want, and it seemed unfair to tell my family and not his.

So we told no one. Even with #2, which was a bit more difficult to accomplish, naturally.

I’m happy we did it that way, and no one has tried to make us feel bad about how we handled it.

[verycontrary247]

I don't think it's unreasonable.

We are texting the family "heading to the hospital, will update once baby is here!" and leaving it at that. I told my H I don't want him giving everyone a play by play, and that I need him to focus on supporting me during labor.

[jennistarr1]

madDawg228, how are you? Getting close!

[madDawg228]

I had my 39w appt today and I'm only 1cm dilated.... the induction is still scheduled for Friday if labor doesn't start beforehand. I'm eating 6 dates a day, lots of spicy food, and long walks. I might even try sex, even though it's not super appealing to me right now. I really hope I can get labor to start naturally, but we'll see.

H & I are now on the same page for labor outside communication, so that's good!
Thanks for asking

[jennistarr1]

I hadn't heard that dates can bring on labor...but I learned last year that I'm allergic to them!

eggplant?

I think it's good you're only 1 cm dilated...I feel like I hear better success stories of inductions starting from 0 or 1 cm then 2 or 3

[boiler717]

I 100% think your body, your labor, your wishes. It doesn’t harm your husband any time wait until the baby is born to share news.

[jennistarr1]

madDawg228 , checking on you!!!!!!!!!!

[madDawg228]

Jul 18, 2020 16:15:15 GMT -5 jennistarr1 said:

madDawg228 , checking on you!!!!!!!!!!

Baby is here! He arrived on Sunday morning, July 19th. I'll get a birth story thread out shortly!