Do you get involved in your partner’s parenting?

[shakinros]

Multiple times in the past couple weeks, DH has gotten sucked in to a “yes, you did” “no I didn’t” power struggle with DD, who is 8. I hear from friends that it’s super common for 8yo’s to “well actually...” their parents all the time so I expect more of this to come. I don’t think he’ll be able to handle it without continually blowing up. It’s actually like listening to two children pick on each other. I’ve been trying to keep quiet so as to not undermine his parenting. But I also want to tell him to be an adult and stop letting an 8yo bait him into stupid arguments.

WWYD? Have you ever told your partner they’re parenting wrong?

[waverly]

Yes. We try to be on the same page in major parenting issues and have those discussions elsewhere.

But DH gets yelly sometimes, and I often don’t feel there is a good reason to yell. So I will step in and say stop yelling or defend the child to him. If I’m right he usually pulls back. If I’m wrong he pulls back and explains to me what they did. Sometimes the yelling is kind of warranted because they did something really dumb that would result in injury, so then both parents talk to the kids. Sometimes the yelling is he’s taking everything more seriously then it needs to be, and he needs to chill.

In your case I might have a private conversation with him suggesting he doesn’t get sucked into the arguments and suggest an alternative.

[k3am]

For most things, I try not to get involved in front of the kids. If dad says something, has a punishment, whatever, that I don't agree with, we can disagree with it later, when the kids aren't around. He tends to do the same thing with me. We try to be a united front... in front of them.

[mae0111]

We will step in for one another when things are ramping up with DD1. She escalated quickly and when I’ve already handled several of such meltdowns, it’s tough to reset quickly and I’m often frayed by the bedtime tantrums. DH will gently step in and move me out of the situation.

Similarly, I have nearly infinite patience for DD2 for some reason, so I step in to diffuse stuff between them.

I will point out if I think he was out of line, and he does the same for me. But we do that part alone, after the kids are in bed.

[mustardseed2007]

I have intervened by saying "ok dad has said what's going to happen, now we're not discussing it anymore. That's done."

I see it as backing him up but I don't have to listen to bickering and they don't have to deal with my head exploding.

[shakinros]

Aug 11, 2020 20:09:36 GMT -5 mustardseed2007 said:

I have intervened by saying "ok dad has said what's going to happen, now we're not discussing it anymore. That's done."

I see it as backing him up but I don't have to listen to bickering and they don't have to deal with my head exploding.

Oh I love this. This might be a real lifeline for me. DH is generally not wrong in what he’s trying to accomplish (“get off the computer” or “its too close to dinner for a snack”) but the way he leans into bickering with the child is the thing that drives me bananas.

[sdlaura]

I’m in the same boat as waverly. I think my DH is too quick to yell and sometimes I point that out but I try not to do it too much in front of the kids.

[mellym]

DH doesn't yell but he gets caught in the cycle of bickering with DD1. It drives me crazy because then it turns into him arguing why he's right and she needs to listen to him. He loses the whole point of the request or direction. Sometimes I jump in to say something like, the answer is no and you need to find another choice or go to your room. Less talk is better! Then, DH will give me that look, like I know I got sucked into it again!?

[rere]

I really, really try, but it is hard. DH is usually the more mellow, until he is not, then he is really mad. He also gets very loooooooooong winded. To the point, I don't even want to listen and you know the kid has tuned him completely out. But I try to stay out of it, because he gets very offended if he thinks I am undermining him, but it is hard. Partly because I am the one here the most, so I handle everything when he is gone, so it is difficult to pull back when he is here.

[librarychica]

rere, my dad was like that. My brother would even fall asleep. 🤣🤣🤣

[sandandsea]

Similar to rere. Dh is mellow until he isn’t and can have unrealistic expectations (you know how something “should” be but it’s never actually like that irl) and then blows it all up by saying something harshly that ds thinks is mean (even though it’s true) and that puts DS over the edge of no return. So little things get blown way out of proportion between the two of them. I am too Lenient and usually try to talk ds down so he doesn’t explode and comes around on his own to apologize and make better choices. We both try to back the other one up but sometimes it’s soooo hard to keep my mouth shut.

ETA. It’s also hard because DS has a BIG temper like my dad and brother and DH and I aren’t like that so he’s hard to parent and not exactly “typical”.

[librarychica]

I am twitching trying not to get involved in the schooling H is taking most of. Twitch, twitch, twitch.

I think he’s pushing the 5yo is way too hard.

Twitch.

[186momx]

DH and DD do this and have done this since she could talk. DD wins 99% of the time. DD will try this with me and I just don't engage and stick with 1 word answers. If anything DH butts into me parenting. So I tell DD to shower and she starts to debate and he will then engage her and the debating proceeds and I still win and just tell her to go shower.

[xctsclrx]

The only time we interfere is to back up the other parent. So if I'm getting in to DS and he talks back or something DH will chime in with you will not talk to your mother that way.

If we disagree about something I'll text him in the middle, or after the fact. But we never interfere in the middle.

My H isn't a yeller and neither of us spank. We are pretty much on the same page

[ECB]

Aug 11, 2020 20:18:16 GMT -5 shakinros said:

Aug 11, 2020 20:09:36 GMT -5 mustardseed2007 said:

I have intervened by saying "ok dad has said what's going to happen, now we're not discussing it anymore. That's done."

I see it as backing him up but I don't have to listen to bickering and they don't have to deal with my head exploding.

Oh I love this. This might be a real lifeline for me. DH is generally not wrong in what he’s trying to accomplish (“get off the computer” or “its too close to dinner for a snack”) but the way he leans into bickering with the child is the thing that drives me bananas.

I think this is great for "in the moment", but I think this garners an offline conversation with your DH.  When I've done something like this with DH, I always approach it from "DS is at that age now where ___ is goign to start happening more.  We need to figure out how to best handle this....".  I'll even mention an article I read, or something along those lines, and I approach all of it from a "so that we're on the same page" POV.  Just to keep DH from feeling like I'm questioning him and to make it about DS and what is (often) developmentally appropriate behaviors.