Navigating school crap

[mae0111]

I can’t believe I already need help navigating school Bullsh!t.

The kid that left the school has told everyone that DD1 bullied her all year, and she had to leave because she was scared. I have proof of this in writing.

I don’t have clarity about whether the mom is still employed with the school. I thought she was, but now I’m unsure.

DD1 has been totally iced out from her friends at school. I know that none of them are isolating, and they’ve all refused outdoor play dates and meet ups with her.

I’m considering emailing the parents that I know in the grade and setting the record straight. Nicely. Vaguely. Just “I know there are rumors about DD1, if anyone is interested I’d be happy to clarify. I hope you won’t let these lies affect her relationship with your kids.”

I will certainly get in touch with the principal if she is still employed.

DD1 struggles with navigating this stuff.

What do I do??

[mommyatty]

I would call one or two parents you know and ask if they know what’s going on. It might have something to do with that girl but it might not. And I would ask the parents about a meet up or play date.

[mae0111]

I have reached out to parents to set up meet ups. All have declined. DD1 has also reached out to kids - and they’ve declined.

I don’t have any parent that I could call a friend in the class. Other parents in other classes love DD1 and love the way she interacts with their kids. There were no issues before school closed. She was invited to houses and had kids over. So this is sudden.

I knew it would happen and my heart hurts for her. She was hoping to stay there for a few more years, but I really have to see how things go. School officially starts tomorrow.

One awesome thing about this summer was that she cultivated relationships outside of her school. I’ve got about 20 kids running around my yard right now playing Capture The Flag. So maybe that will make it ok...

[vasc]

They’re all going back F2F right?

I guess I’d wait and see how the first two weeks go for her in school before taking action. Friendships at any age, any school, can be very fluid. Some years you’re with kids who “stick.” Some years you’re not. It’s not necessarily because of anything you’ve done, but everyone’s interests change, access to each other has changed (COVID has separated many friends who I’m sure only saw each other at school, or maybe a new friendship is sparked by intersecting extracurricular activities). When I’ve spoken to kids about this at my school (I’m a school counselor), I try to frame it as a temporary slump in friendships rather than a forever thing.

If the girl who has spread the rumors has left, then I find it hard to believe her words will leave an impact that will last that long. Your DD’s everyday interactions with the kids will hold much stronger power in rebuilding friendships than an ex-classmates final parting words.

I’d have your DD focus on the current neighborhood friends she has rather than dwelling on the school friends for now.

[mae0111]

vasc I hope you’re right that the kids will forget. It’s a small school - 20 kids in the whole grade, and they were all on the text exchange where someone accused DD1 of bullying this kid so badly that she left because she was so scared. In reality, she tortured DD1 all year and we have every incident documented.

I don’t know if DD1 should respond to the accusation or let it go. I will sit tight.

[mustardseed2007]

I would sit tight. No matter what, I don't think you can respond via email.

I wouldn't send an email. It could come off too strong.

The most you could do if this continues after in person learning starts, is to call a parent that has a kid your daughter does like and just say - hey, I hope you will consider getting together with us some time this month...DD loves this school and really got on with your kid. I know we had issues last year with Other Kid, but we tried hard to always go high in that situation and keep civil on our part. This year its so important to us to start off on the right foot with everyone etc. etc.

Don't focus on them lying about you, focus on saying - yes, there were issue, we did not engage, we will not have that issue this year, we want to have a good year and we want to be friends. I never had issues with you guys so I hope we can be friends. That kind of thing.

[mustardseed2007]

Sept 7, 2020 16:49:26 GMT -5 mae0111 said:

vasc I hope you’re right that the kids will forget. It’s a small school - 20 kids in the whole grade, and they were all on the text exchange where someone accused DD1 of bullying this kid so badly that she left because she was so scared. In reality, she tortured DD1 all year and we have every incident documented.

I don’t know if DD1 should respond to the accusation or let it go. I will sit tight.

I think if it was said in a text chain that your DD was on, it would be weird if she didn't say something. 

Something to the extent of - That is not what happened. I don't know why you think that, but remember there are two sides to every story. I'm not going to get into it on here, but if you want to call me I'm happy to talk to you about it more. I've never had any serious problems with you guys so I hope we can start this year on the right foot and you can judge me by your own interactions with me. 

[mommyatty]

I agree with mustardseed2007. She should address it and defend herself. I think it’s okay for you to help her navigate that. I would say that “I wasn’t the bully. X was really mean to me and I think a lot of you saw it happen. I don’t know why she left school, but it certainly wasn’t because she was scared of me. I tried to be her friend until her bullying just got to be too much. Then the school told us to stay away from each other, and I did. She didn’t.”

[mae0111]

Thank you ladies. DD1 left the text conversation because she didn’t want to engage. The kid that left the school added her back in. So when she comes home, I’m going to help her address it.

[mommyatty]

Oh man. I would put that in there. “Just like I left this conversation because I have zero interest in engaging with Mean Girl, but Mean Girl added me back because she wants to continue bullying me even though she’s gone.”

Screen shot it and send it to the principal. Cc the mom and say her daughter continues to harass yours and if the parent is still employed at the school you want to understand what the employee is doing to control her daughter’s cyber bullying.

[phdmomma]

What mommyatty , said.

[madringal]

I think at this point, you have no choice but to pull her. I can't imagine any scenario where your DD thrives at this school. These people and their children are awful. You have spent so much emotional and mental energy on this and it is not good for anyone.

[mommyatty]

I know you pulled her out of public school, but is that where her neighborhood friends are going? Maybe you’d have a better experience now?

[mae0111]

So... yes, we did pull her out of public. The neighborhood kids are all different ages, and there are 5 classes in each grade. So even the kids that are her age - they were never put in class together, and the school will not take any requests to place kids together. I've heard through FB moms groups that our local school is notorious for bullying, that people don't like to deal with our district's kids on sports teams, etc.

I could have her placed in a different school (6 in the town), but the only schools with any room sent all of the 5th graders to middle school this year. That would be a totally overwhelming change where she would know no one. And she would only get 2 half-days in person, with the rest remote... and the district has not figured out how to do remote yet (school starts in a week... seems fine). The district did next to nothing in the spring - the kids went over a month with no work at all, then random bits of work (about 1hr/week) after that. No google meets until end of May, and none were mandatory. So they went essentially 3.5 months with nothing, and they don't seem to have any sort of a plan for the 20-21 school year.

Almost all of the other Catholic schools around us closed in June, making DD's school highly sought after since they're back in person and relatively affordable.

We are kind of stuck this year. The kid is gone. I'm not certain that the mom is still employed there, and no other parents seem to know.

She came home happy today. She said that there weren't any issues. We talked about her responding to the text, she agreed that it's a good idea, but she removed herself from the conversation again. If she gets put back in, she'll respond. If not, we will keep trying to let it go. I have already sent inquiries to my high school alma mater (which starts in the 5th grade) regarding a spot next year. It's $$$$$$$$ but I think it will be a good place for her. I am kicking myself for not going through the application process last year, and now it will be super competitive. But, we will see...

[Mom2Be08]

Sept 8, 2020 15:52:46 GMT -5 mae0111 said:

So... yes, we did pull her out of public. The neighborhood kids are all different ages, and there are 5 classes in each grade. So even the kids that are her age - they were never put in class together, and the school will not take any requests to place kids together. I've heard through FB moms groups that our local school is notorious for bullying, that people don't like to deal with our district's kids on sports teams, etc.

I could have her placed in a different school (6 in the town), but the only schools with any room sent all of the 5th graders to middle school this year. That would be a totally overwhelming change where she would know no one. And she would only get 2 half-days in person, with the rest remote... and the district has not figured out how to do remote yet (school starts in a week... seems fine). The district did next to nothing in the spring - the kids went over a month with no work at all, then random bits of work (about 1hr/week) after that. No google meets until end of May, and none were mandatory. So they went essentially 3.5 months with nothing, and they don't seem to have any sort of a plan for the 20-21 school year.

Almost all of the other Catholic schools around us closed in June, making DD's school highly sought after since they're back in person and relatively affordable.

We are kind of stuck this year. The kid is gone. I'm not certain that the mom is still employed there, and no other parents seem to know.

She came home happy today. She said that there weren't any issues. We talked about her responding to the text, she agreed that it's a good idea, but she removed herself from the conversation again. If she gets put back in, she'll respond. If not, we will keep trying to let it go. I have already sent inquiries to my high school alma mater (which starts in the 5th grade) regarding a spot next year. It's $$$$$$$$ but I think it will be a good place for her. I am kicking myself for not going through the application process last year, and now it will be super competitive. But, we will see...

I think the multiple classes at the public school is a good thing because there are lots of people she can get to know. You say DD has a hard time navigating these situations but it seems like most kids in elementary school don't seem to stress about this stuff, they move on to the next person and do their own thing. It seems like the current school is too small and cliquish for for your liking.

Out of curiosity, why did you pull her from the public school originally?

You seem to spend lots of time and energy worrying about your daughters' social groups and discussing what other parents say and do, is it possible that they are picking up on your stress? I know if I start asking my kids too many questions about something, they get more anxious if they think I am anxious.

[mae0111]

@mom2be08 - there was a real reason for removing DD1 from the public school. After a full year of physical bullying, coming home with bruises, and the administration doing nothing, we pulled her. We were told by the school counselor that the principal wouldn’t address the issue, and it was best if we left.

The new school was awesome until one kid targeted DD1 last year. She was repeatedly pulled into the principal’s office and warned to leave DD1 alone. She didn’t. She left. I don’t know if the school told her to leave or if the family chose to leave. But she’s leaving a mess in her wake.

It’s a much longer backstory but I have a reason to be concerned 🤷‍♀️

[mommyatty]

mae0111- this seems extreme, but I would consider having your attorney send a cease and desist letter to her family. No contact. No texting. No emails. No physical contact. No coming to activities at her school. Basically threaten them with a harassment suit. Because it’s insane that she keeps targeting your daughter even now that she’s gone.

[mae0111]

mommyatty - YESS!!! It is insane! All of it!! I was thinking the same thing. He takes a while to respond - he focuses on white collar crime and does this on the side. So I might just kind of plant the seed with him and see what he thinks.

I’ve also considered reaching out to the principal in a few weeks and calmly ask for her advice with the other kids if I feel like she’s still being iced out. I can do it in a non-accusatory way, I think. But I’m going to sit with it regardless.