Nephew living with us...questions

[starryfish]

Quick background: he is 11yo. Has a history of cancer (he beat it!!!) and was abused which is why my MIL had custody.

MIL has moved into our garage apt and brought our nephew with her (they live 8 hours away). She’s having a hard time with him and is hoping we can help and eventually get custody (his mom has to agree).

So at this point he is living in our house and me and my DH are in charge of him, but it’s mostly me Bc I’m on ML (just had second child).

So....I have a newborn and almost 4 yo plus now the 11yo nephew.

I need basic help Like bedtimes, screen time rules etc. his bedtime he’s used to I personally think is too late (electronics off at 11).

Any other tips I welcome!!! Thank you!

[Dznyprnces]

You’re probably going to get a range of answers here.

My DD is 11, will be 12 in February. Bedtime is at 8, she can read until 8:45. We typically don’t monitor screen time too much, because she’s good at not spending too much time on it, pre-COVID at least. Now that she’s so isolated, she gets a lot more time, because it’s her only lifeline to her friends. She is in school, but her school does hybrid. Most of her friends are in the other group, and a few are 100% remote. So while she is in school a couple days a week, she’s still not seeing her BFFs.

In general, our screen time rules are that all schoolwork and chores must be done before they are allowed on screens. We restrict who they can interact with in Minecraft and roblox, the 2 games they play the most. We also cut off screens an hour before bedtime. iPad/phones are also the first privilege lost when they are in trouble. My 11 year old is very much a rule follower, so this mostly applies to my 8 year old, who only has an iPad and loses it quite frequently.

[CrazyLucky]

DS is 10. Bedtime is 830 or 9. With the way school is now, he doesn't have to get up until 7. Pre covid, he got one hour of screen time per day on weekdays, two on weekends. With covid it's a lot more. Agree with PP about loss of screen time being the first consequence. My kids are expected to keep their rooms reasonably neat, put their dishes in the dishwasher, and other age appropriate chores. One tip that seems to work with us is discuss inappropriate or unacceptable behavior and the consequences he can expect before he's actually in trouble. He feels like he had a say, so we hear a lot less "that's not fair!!!!"
What a tough life your poor nephew has had so far. I'm so glad you are willing and able to help him. Was he removed from his mother's care? If so, you don't need her permission to get guardianship.

[ellipses84]

That is tough. I’m not sure what exact challenges you are having but I can share ours. I have a 9 year old boy who went through a major rebellious phase this summer and I have lots of nephews of all ages. The best thing you can do is set ground rules and consequences and be consistent, just like you would with a toddler, but encourage him take responsibility for his actions and the result.

Sit down and come up with ground rules as a family. So instead of saying our house, our rules, and now you have to go to bed at 8pm instead ask what he thinks is fair, come up with a compromise, he could have electronics until 8 if all homework/ chores are done, go to bed at 8:30 to read, lights out by 9. Kids that age are smart, can be reasoned with, and put importance on fairness, but also like to have privileges the younger kids don’t get, so maybe let him stay up a little later on weekends.

For DS, we implement a consequence sequence for defiant behaviors. It’s the same every time for certain behaviors. One example is if he acts defiant and refuses to listen or deliberately disobeys what he is told, he loses screen time for the rest of the day. The next day he has the option of doing 9 things (# of his age) to earn it back - they are chores, kind deeds like playing a game with his brother or writing a letter to someone, drawing a picture, reading, etc. He can choose to do them to earn screen time back sooner, or choose not to, but if he complains it’s unfair or he’s bored, I remind him it is his choice. This prevents stubborn power struggles. He gets screen time back the following day automatically, as long as his regular chores / responsibilities are taken care of. If the poor behavior repeats an hour after he’s earned screen time back, the cycle repeats. Sometimes you can see a kid just needs a hug and love more than a punishment for wrong behavior, but there can still be consequences and love. Sometimes I make the 9 things pretty easy and a lot of times he chooses not to do them, but less screen time is good in my eyes and he does what he wants to occupy his time.

Give a lot of positive and loving reinforcement. Kids that age are usually pretty hormonal even if they aren’t showing signs of puberty. Give him some grace considering his background and how tough this year has been. It’s hard with Covid, but put him in physical and social/creative/expressive activities with peers as soon as you can.

Beware of how dangerous technology can be especially to a curious kid that age who could be exposed to dangerous things on the internet. It’s also very addicting. We typically had a two hour per day screen time rule but would make exceptions for a family movie on the weekend. That all went out the window for Covid and DS1 spends like 4 hours a day on zoom for school, which definitely impacts his behavior (hence the system above with school as the exception) Put kid safety monitoring on all devices and/or your wifi router.

[SusanBAnthony]

Figure out how to lock down internet access and time on devices. You can always become more lenient over time.

My kids are 10 and 13 and they get in bed around 8 and read. No wayyyyyyy are they staying up until 11. Lol for days.

Biggest battle at our house is 1. Don't be a jerk (to your sibling or talking back to parents) and 2. Clean up after yourself- there is a constant steam of crap left all over like dirty socks, scraps from art project, etc.

1. Is just consistency, setting expectations, consequences (losing screen time usually) and sometimes knowing they need a hug and cuddle and sympathy because their raging hormones are making them act like a monster.

2. You got me lol.

Online school is a whole nother ballgame if you are dealing with that.

[expectantsteelerfan]

My ds is 11. He's in bed at 8, can read till 8:30 and then light's out, but he has the earliest bedtime of most kids we know. He also has ADHD and so a strict routine and early bedtime are part of our management plan for that, so we stick to it unless he has an activity.

Other rules that are important to us are that he does homework as soon as he gets home and doesn't get screen time until everything is done. He only gets 30 minutes of 'video game' time unless he earns more by doing chores, reading, going outside and being active, etc. During quarantine, he gets pretty much unlimited time to chat with his friends though. He also gets tv time before bed. Those are the things that get taken away if he refuses to do what is asked, gives attitude, etc.

I had a rough time at his age, mainly because my parents weren't around at all and didn't notice I was struggling socially, and I pretty much felt like I was left to deal with everything on my own. And then when I was a teen, they weren't happy with what I was doing and tried to impose a bunch of rules after not being around at all. So my biggest advice would be to take it slow. Maybe have a family meeting about the most pressing issues, and ask for his input on rules that you are going to try to impose (so if him using electronics and staying up till 11 are the biggest issues, I'd have reasons for why it's a problem and ask him why he does that, and what you could do to change it (so if talking to his friends is important to him, can he find another time to do it? or can he be allowed to stay up till 10 to do it? what would make him happy while still allowing him a more appropriate amount of sleep?).

One other thing...at our house we start with an expectation of rule following and trust. We take people at their word. But if we find out they lied, it takes a while to earn back the trust. Ds is just starting to get a decent amount of independence. He's allowed to ride bikes with a neighbor friend without too much supervision, but he has areas he's not allowed to go past. He has a gizmo watch and an ipod, so I can track him and call him. He has to answer when we call, come home when we ask, and if we see he's gone past the boundaries, he wouldn't be allowed to go again until he finds a way to earn back trust. But luckily so far he hasn't tried to test the boundaries too much. But I would have a clear plan in place for what to do if your nephew does.

[lemoncupcake]

Nov 7, 2020 0:23:13 GMT -5 mofongo said:

maybe a therapist to help you guys with the transition?

That was going to be my only piece of advice as well - it sounds like he has had a lot of trauma and change going on in his short life. If he's not in individual therapy, definitely that, but maybe also some sessions with all of you. I think building trust and stability would be the first things to focus on.

[krystee]

I think 9 is a reasonable bedtime for that age and will sound like a more palatable decrease than 8.

I think the most important thing to do is let him know that you adore him and are so so happy he is with you. Let him really feel that love and stability.

And then I would involve him and the four-year-old in setting family rules together with you so he is part of the process and feels more accountable since he helped come up with them (obviously you get final say on rules and consequences, but getting participation will help).

[outnumbered]

I would set up individual and family therapy. An outside adult helping you set boundaries might be easier for him to listen to.

My 11 year old is in bed between 8:30 and 9:00. One hour of screen time per day. If you has a Ipad or Iphone it is very easy to set up limits and filter out content. Go into settings and select screen time. You can set downtime, app limits, communication limits, filter out x-rated content, etc. I also set it so my son cannot add or delete apps. It is really helpful.

[maudefindlay]

My 11 yr old must play outside (weather permitting), do all schoolwork plus 20 min of reading before getting electronics. We have parental controls on devices and monitor usage. Electronics are charged at night outside his room. He falls asleep around 9pm each night, so we haven't had to set a hard and fast bed time though we are OK with him staying up later on weekends. He wakes up around 630. In normal times he participates in one activity per season.

[minniemouse]

My 11 year old’s bedtime is 9:30 these days. She doesn’t have to wake up until 8 though. School starts at 9. Many of her friends are up to 10-11 each night so I’m surprised so many here get their kids to bed so early. Definitely set rules for electronics.

[starryfish]

Thank you all! Just read all the responses.

This is all super new as he just moved here last week.

The custody thing is “weird”. My MIL has medical and legal custody but the mom is able to still see him. Her rights have not been fully terminated I guess. Mil wants us to get full custody/adopt him but the mom has to sign off/agree I guess?

I’m now also in charge of his online school work (he is behind and failing) so we have to play catch up and omg 6th grade is tough! Trying to learn all this online stuff.

I think we will need to sit down and have a family talk to discuss rules and expectations. My DH is also leaving tomorrow for 2 weeks for work. It’s all just a lot happening in our lives at once. Luckily mil helps with my two kids a lot and I’m super thankful for that!

[ohgillian]

No electronics in room overnight.

My 10 yo goes to bed to read at 8 or 8:30 but I agree with whoever try 9 since he’s currently at 11.

[lolalolalola]

My 13 yo has her screens shut off at 10 and she needs to be in bed at 10:30
At 11, it was 9 I think, with bed at 10.



My kids has t had an 8:00 bedtime since they were very young.

[mrsGreeko]

I have an 11 year old DD (and a 14 year old DD and an almost 9 year old DS).

First definitely therapy to address the past trauma.

Second my 11 year old’s bedtime is 9:30. School (virtual at the moment) doesn’t start until 9am for her so she doesn’t have to wake up until 8 or so. However, that being said my older kid had trouble with sleeping (always has) and we probably did things a little different with her.

I have screentime set up on my 11 year old’s iPod and my 14 year old’s iphone. This is a MUST in my opinion. I also have Disney circle to further restrict and filter the wifi. Also, a must in my opinion. We used to be super strict about screens, but covid has made that a disaster so now it’s something of a free for all. I wouldn’t beat yourself up too hard about things like that at the moment with covid and a newborn. We do not allow screens in bedrooms period and definitely never in bedrooms at night time. We also don’t allow social media (14 year old has tiktok. She wore me down on that one, but no Snapchat or instagram or whatever).

I think it’s very important to have scheduled family time. We have family TV night on Fridays where we all watch certain shows together. This may be more difficult with your age spread. I’d be very very careful to treat the 11 year old like a “baby.” That’s what you are familiar with at the moment. So instead I’d probably try very hard to have time set aside every week at a specific time where you and DH do something with nephew after the littles are in bed or something. TV night, movie night, game night. Something where he’s the special one and getting the attention. Also have family time set aside for sure.

I’d make sure to get him out and active as much as possible. That also probably helps with sleeping. But that can also be hard in the winter and with a newborn. I’d make sure he has and knows how to ride a bike. Maybe a scooter or something like that.

As for school. The virtual stuff is really hard. Make sure to set up an office for him somewhere that’s not his room, but is quiet and sort of out of the way so he can focus. My 11 year old has a card table in our loft with room divider screens set around it to make it more private, my 14 year old has a spot at the dining room table with a big cardboard trifold set up to keep distractions to a minimum. Make sure he has everything he needs right there, pencils, notebooks, chargers, power strips, headphones, sticky notes, ruler, markers or colored pencils, highlighters, whatever he needs. Tape the bell schedule up near him with his classes and maybe zoom passwords or office hours or whatever also on it. Anything to make it super easy for him to be successful.

[outnumbered]

Nov 7, 2020 10:32:49 GMT -5 starryfish said:

Thank you all! Just read all the responses.

This is all super new as he just moved here last week.

The custody thing is “weird”. My MIL has medical and legal custody but the mom is able to still see him. Her rights have not been fully terminated I guess. Mil wants us to get full custody/adopt him but the mom has to sign off/agree I guess?

I’m now also in charge of his online school work (he is behind and failing) so we have to play catch up and omg 6th grade is tough! Trying to learn all this online stuff.

I think we will need to sit down and have a family talk to discuss rules and expectations. My DH is also leaving tomorrow for 2 weeks for work. It’s all just a lot happening in our lives at once. Luckily mil helps with my two kids a lot and I’m super thankful for that!

Wow, that sounds like a lot.  I imagine it is a big step to jump in and parent an 11 year old when your oldest is 4.  He might seem 'big' to you, but 11 is still really young.  Keep reaching out if you have any more questions.

Just a quick comment about screen time.  We do not have screens in the bedroom and screens are off at least one hour before bedtime.  Luckily my kids like to read so they read in bed before lights out.  If he is reluctant to read audio books are a great way to relax.

[lolo]

I would encourage you to read one of Dr Greene's books on collaborative problem solving. It's something that you might not have done yet with your four year old, but for the 11 year old, it will be such a great tool! It will help him to feel heard and give you a framework to solve problems, like trouble turning off the light at bedtime/difficulty bringing dishes to the sink/difficulty when Aunt needs to care for baby, in a way that is mutually agreeable.