Post by goldengirlz on Jan 13, 2021 11:23:32 GMT -5
Thank you so much, everyone. I’ve read and appreciated every comment.
Re: not “saying goodbye,” I think one difference is that I DID get to do that the night before he went into surgery. We had him on FaceTime and we had opened a bottle of wine and were toasting him. He was making jokes. I knew he had a lot of conditions that made this surgery extra risky for someone like him; it was why I took the risk of flying in.
People (like my out of state aunt, who can’t visit anyway) are so furious at “Covid rules” because “he needs to hear familiar voices.” But the truth is, he gets agitated when he hears our voices (his blood oxygen drops and he starts thrashing). So we gave the nurse a playlist of his favorite songs instead.
My dad has always had really good taste in music. I remember that 12-year-old me used to be proud that my dad was seemingly the only father cool enough to like The Offspring in the 90s, ha. 😀
I'm so sorry. My mom was on life support for the last week of her life so I understand how you feel. I, too, had a hard time seeing her like that and chose not to hold vigil beside her bed (precovid obviously). I did stand in the doorway when they turned off the machines and we said goodbye but otherwise I did not want to remember her that way. I have no regrets 16 years later.
Post by simpsongal on Jan 13, 2021 13:17:25 GMT -5
I'm so terribly sorry. My father died in August, he was supposed to have heart surgery but his doctors didn't schedule it in time. In the meantime, he seemed fine and lived his life as normal. One day he went to sleep and didn't wake up - he was 68. I hardly ate or slept for a week after it happened. It's still devastating and surreal for all of us. I'm reading a daily meditation about grief, and after a few months life feels somewhat normal (until it doesn't and the pain is very fresh).
I'm so terribly sorry for what you're going through. Know that this experience will change you, even if your father pulls through. I've found it somewhat comforting to consider myself bound to others who have experienced such a devastating, difficult time. We've also talked more frankly in my family about all aspects of life and death, with our kids, and it's helped me focus on the things that truly matter.
I’m so sorry to hear this! I had been thinking about you and him.
My mom died when I was 14. I went to the hospital once to say goodbye. I was asked to tell her that it was ok to pass, and I did it. After that, I requested not to return, and I didn’t. I will say that experience was very traumatic even 22 years later, so I say only you know what is right for you.
Post by simpsongal on Jan 13, 2021 13:27:14 GMT -5
goldengirlz - I'll add, you know your dad and yourself better than all of us. As much as I wish that I got to say goodbye, whether it was before a surgery or some other circumstance, I know my dad wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
Our last visit was weeks before, he was like something out of a hallmark movie - he cooked dinner for us all every night, we watched family movies, he played with the kids, and went to the beach. And his last day on earth was poetic - he worked at his rental house, had a brandy, watched his favorite shows - Jeopardy and Perry Mason - went to bed and didn't wake up. Maybe he's chatting w/Alex Trebek now...
I'm so sorry. I've been thru similar situation with my Mom and it was hard. You have to do what feels the most natural to you and if that means not saying goodbye with him hooked up to everything that's okay. It sounds like you had a really nice time with him before the surgery. ((hugs))
I’m glad you had a happy visit with him before surgery. I had a similar visit with my mom and while I did end up seeing her again after she got home for hospice (when she was bedridden but surprisingly articulate during my visits), it was nice to have had a good time with her when things were “normal” to remember.
If he is showing signs of distress at visitors it doesn’t sound like a visit is benefiting him. In his situation visits are for the well family members not him so if you aren’t getting anything out of it, I don’t see the point (to be blunt). In my mom’s final days I always just thought she’d want me to be taking care of myself and was actually getting my eyes examined when they called. I was glad I had some good visits with her when she seemed like herself and it seems like you did too. It’s going to be rough either way but I am glad I don’t have to remember her in the hospital hooked up to machines and if you can avoid that, I don’t blame you.
Hopefully this isn’t the end but it sounds like he knows how much he means to you already.
Post by picksthemusic on Jan 13, 2021 15:18:32 GMT -5
This must be so hard. I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. As others have said, please try to take care of yourself as best you can. We are here for you.
goldengirlz, my heart is with you. It is so hard. Your feelings and thoughts are completely valid. Give yourself a lot of grace throughout this entire process. If you have questions, let me know. I know you're surrounded by a lot of knowledgable people, but sometimes it helps hearing from random. Big big hugs.