if your SO lives elsewhere, how has it been for you?

[georgeharrison]

My husband pretty much hates his job right now.  He was looking at opportunities at his old employer which he liked, but was looking for more money.  He came across a higher level position for his old company that is out of state.  He applied.  He had a phone interview and the hiring manager called him back a couple hours later saying they were putting together an offer and relocation package and he should hear from HR by the end of the week.

We have talked about this generally, but figured getting an offer was a long-shot.  So, now we have to have a serious discussion.

I would not relocate.  We moved from WA to AR in 2017.  We have a teen son.  My parents just moved here the latter half of 2020 to be close to us.  Those are the reasons why I would not go.  But, I'm not going to tell or ask him not to go.  He's been so miserable at his job, and I know that sucks.

What we have discussed is him getting an apartment and alternating visits.  I work remotely and for now, my son is doing online school.  So, we would be able to go to him as often as we felt like we could afford it (it would be flight expense and the expense of paying a dogsitter).  After my son goes back to on-site school, it would be much more difficult and restricted to holidays and the summer.  He would only be able to travel to us for holidays/vacation as his work does not allow for remote.  

What things would you consider in this situation?  

[W.T.Faulkner]

I would not be comfortable living like this forever. For me, there'd need to be an end date for living apart.

Edit: I just read again and I think I initially misunderstood the visiting schedule once your son is back in in-person school. If you'd only be able to visit on holidays and in the summer, I would not do this.

Edit again after mofongo's comment: Given the history/context, this is an even more emphatic no, unless I am comfortable with actual separation and divorce.

[waverly]

Feb 9, 2021 14:08:07 GMT -5 W.T.Faulkner said:

I would not be comfortable living like this forever. For me, there'd need to be an end date for living apart.

I agree.  I wonder if it makes sense to think about moving once son has graduated.  Or put an end date on his end of 1-2 years to say OK you need to try to find something more local ish.

DH and I lived apart but we were not married then and didn't have kids.  We were young, and I was finishing up college.  Eventually I moved to be with him, and then we moved back for his grad school and his job afterwards.  Then, I said I wasn't planning to move again.  He did look at jobs in other places, but he only got one offer.  On the offer he did get, I suggested he get an apartment for 3-6 months and then the family would move after we knew the new job was a success.  But he turned the job down, so we didn't experience that.  He has a history of starting jobs and then the jobs sucking, so I wouldn't have moved right away and not until I knew he was all set in his new job to be happy and be there long term. 

[dcn]

My H is in the military and we have spent plenty of time apart and I would never choose it. It is really hard. It’s hard on him, it’s hard on me and it sucks for the kids.

Would you do this forever? Until you son is out of school? I know plenty of couples who have chosen a geo-bachelor situation but there is a time
Limit on it - 1-2 years so kids can finish high school or spouse can keep her job while her H finishes his last assignment or one in the middle of nowhere.

Eventually you will need to figure out what the long term plan is.

[wildrice]

How out of state? Is it a short (like 4 hours or less) drive or would you have to fly or take off entire days of work in order to travel? ETA: I'm dumb, it didn't register that his old company would have been in your old state. That's FAR. I would not do this. 

If it was short, and he could go there for the work week and come home on the weekends (or you guys could go out there and visit), I'd maybe consider it. If it would be a matter of only seeing each other a few times a year, there is no way. I know it works for some, but my H and I are pretty attached at the hip. A few days apart here and there, no problem, but essentially living separate lives would be a no-go. I wouldn't really even be in favor of doing it for a year, but if there is no end date? Absolutely not.

[cleo29]

I could do this if it was for a set amount of time. Say, temporary and then you join him when your son starts college, but given that your parents moved to be close to you, this would not work.

[IndiaInk]

Not quite the same situation, but I've been in a romantic relationship for the past year with a colleague who lives in another state 2000 miles from me. We began dating in January 2020 and saw one another a couple times and then the pandemic shut everything down. I haven't seen him in 13 months because we haven't been able to travel safely.
Despite the fact that we both can work remotely, we both have young kids in our respective states and probably won't be able to relocate to live with one another anytime soon, so in talking through the long-term future of our relationship the things we think may be challenges are: pandemics causing travel restrictions (hah), kids sports and extracurricular activities making it hard for us to travel because we don't want to miss those important events, having to pay for pet sitters, the expense of maintaining two separate homes and lives, each of us building our own separate lives that don't overlap in a meaningful day-to-day way...

I wouldn't choose this situation. It's extremely challenging. We are also in the early-dating madly in love with one another stage so any distance whatsoever is excruciating, and I recognize you are at a slightly different place in life with an older child so your proposed situation might be more tolerable.

[Roc A Bee]

Has he applied for jobs locally? Why did you move in 2017?

Based on your history, my gut reaction is a big fat nope. But I may be projecting.

[mich1]

DH and I spent the first 8 years of our relationship flying across the US. If my medical nightmare hadn’t have occurred, our pull date (where I could retire and receive medical benefits) was 4 years later, then I’d move out to him.

TBH, it was difficult. Both of us had plenty of vacation time and very flexible bosses, but it was still hard. We were flying almost monthly, which on a cheap month was an $800 outlay between us (almost 1700 miles). Delta got a LOT of $$ out of us. For both of us, our jobs were specialized such that I could not get a job where he lived, and he couldn’t get a job where I lived. We rehashed this regularly, coming back to th3 same conclusion.

[lemoncupcake]

Ditto the PP who asked if he applied for jobs locally. If he only looked at one employer that’s clear across the country, particularly if there are reasonable amount of opportunities closer, then this would be a No for me and my marriage. Us living apart would have to be temporary and an absolute last resort.

[ssmjlm]

Based on your history, I would say no. Why isn't he looking locally? What was the reason to look that far away? That's not even like weekends back at home distance.

We've had a few people with spouses with job out of town, but it was from here to DC, so they could easily see each other on weekends.

DH and I have discussed possible work opportunities for me that are 6m, so at least there's an end date and my per diem would cover housing/living costs while away.

[celeste]

Nope. I did this with no end game in sight, other than a plan that my H would look for jobs in my new city (he is in a field/job with very limited opportunities). My new city is a short direct flight or a long drive from where he lives.

4.5 years later, we are still living separately and there is no end in sight. It’s exhausting trying to stay connected when there is no daily shared experience.

We don’t have kids. I definitely wouldn’t have done it with kids.

ETA: Sorry, I see that you were looking for things to consider. I would look into whether direct flights are available and the timetables. It makes a big difference to be able to arrive Friday night and leave Monday morning for a weekend trip. I would consider the cost of maintaining two houses. It definitely affects our bottom line. And I would consider whether your personalities are such that talking on the phone every day is a reasonable expectation; without that contact, it’s easy to lose intimacy.

[lurkie22]

I know I'm just a lurker, but I've been lurking a long time and remember your previous posts and always think you sound like a kind, reasonable person, so I'm taking a chance here.

I think before I'd jump ahead and try to figure out how to make the logistics of a move work, I'd take a big step back and want my H to figure out if/why he would be willing to be less present as a husband and father for the sake of a job. Especially because he already has a job. To me that would tell me a lot about his commitment, values and priorities. Instead of problem solving it for him, I'd be looking for some honest answers from him about what kind of living situation he's okay with, and why. The answers might be kind of painful, but he's kind of putting you between a rock and a hard place and it makes me wonder why. Yes, it sucks to be miserable at your job, but asking your wife and son to move or have to fly to visit you is pretty extreme.

It sounds like you've put your cards on the table, so when you do have a discussion, I'd let him do the same. If his response is to move and let you sort out how that works, to me that says a lot. I'm really sorry you're in this situation. I'm also saying this as someone who has had to adjust my expectations of marriage and has been disappointed by my H's lack of involvement and effort, and I totally understand that sometimes there is no good answer, and you end up tolerating the lesser of two evils. No judgement here if a distanced marriage is what works, I just think it's something that needs 100% honesty from him about why he wants that, and what he sees happening in your future.

[momof2]

I would only consider this on a schedule where either myself or my husband flew back every weekend. I could end up for my own career reasons working several states away. But I would only do it if I could fly up for just a few work days a week. My husband and I have discussed it and it would suck, but we would probably do it if it got me in the C suite or one step below. At that point, our income could absolutely support flying every week.

My sister has done this at least twice. But she was SAHM, her husband was gone only Sunday- Thursday. I’m also pretty sure it never lasted more than 18 months. Her husband was also doing it to make C suite type money.

[georgeharrison]

He has looked locally, but he is growing very impatient and unhappy at his current company. I am pretty sure that he didn't set up to find an out of state job. He was looking at the openings at his previous employer and was very interested in this position and it happened to be out of state, but he thought he'd throw his hat in the ring anyway. I don't think he actually considered that he might get the job. Not because he's not qualified, but because he was just casting a wide net with no real expectations. Then he got a call for an interview and we started talkin about what that would look like. That was when I told him that I would not go. He had assumed that since I work remotely, that I would move, too. But, because of my parents and the kid and our recent relocation, I am not interested in that at all.

[expectantsteelerfan]

Another former military person here who would never choose to live apart if there was any other option. I think the only reason we survived the military life was because I knew my dh wasn't a lifer and we had an end date. And to be honest, the long deployments where he was gone with limited contact were actually easier than the workups to deployment where he would be home for a month working regularly, then gone for a month, then home, then gone. With the deployments I (and somewhat the kids, but they were really young at that point) knew what to expect and prepared for it and got through it. But with constant here/gone schedule, it was constant disruption and we could never really settle in to a new normal.

[hbomdiggity]

Temporarily (6mos -year even)? Sure. But in your scenario, none of the reasons do you list for not moving are likely to resolve themselves in the near term, esp if you want your kid to stay in current school.

Unless your parents are willing to move again, then the only way I’d consider it is if he can stay in current location and travel back to WA as needed. Like 1 week/mo.

Depending on the relo package, it may be cheaper for him to stay in AR. The salary bump, relo costs, etc are not cheap.

[wanderingback]

My partner and I are like this but only 1.5 hours apart.
I don’t have time at the moment to respond more, but generally it works for our relationship and I think we’d be ok if we were further apart and could see each other once a month. Of course I’d love to be around him all the time, but overall it’s not horrible and I still feel very connected to him and we truly support each other.

I do think there should be talks about long term planning.
We haven’t exactly figured that part out yet, but we’re tentatively planning to "figure things out more" early next year. However, for our relationship I think he’ll always have a component of travel and us being apart, so I’ve just come to embrace it and it works for us.


Would you consider moving there after your son graduated high school?
My dad and his partner were in a relationship like this for 2-3 years but he got laid off due to COVID so now they’re back together and getting married soon. So it seemed to work for them!

[nsl]

I know several couples who have attempted this, and in every case at least one spouse went into it with the idea that it was really a trial separation. All of them later got divorced.

Speaking as someone who has had to spend 2.5 years away from my own spouse (broken into several chunks) due to military assignments and deployments, being on your own is hard. With kids, it is even harder. It's not just the day-to-day stuff either, because for me doing those things on my own always felt more "normal" after a few weeks; it's reintegrating him back into my/our life after a lengthy absence. I've gotten used to doing something one way, and he comes back and wants to do it differently. We forget how to make some decisions together, and have to get used to being in one another's physical space again. We're coming up on our 18th anniversary and are very happily married, but I'm honestly not sure I could have done another deployment. It's one of the biggest reasons why he got out of the Army last spring.

[rebneen]

XH and I lived apart multiple times during our marriage. It always had an end date of less than a year total. We didn't have kids during any of it. It was ok for us, but I'm very independent and we didn't have any type of boundary or trust issues. He had also done whatever possible to stay local but his field is way better in the SF Bay area. He wouldn't have been looking there unless I was on board with moving.

My parents did it when there were no jobs in our area during the early 90s recession. It was a contract gig and my dad lived in an apartment that was an easy drive away (2 hours). I would go stay with him during school breaks but he came home every weekend.

I would not sign on for your plan. When XH proposed moving cross-country without me, he only intended to do so to get started working ASAP (he was unemployed). I planned my move to follow a few months later because I needed to wrap up loose ends.

[hocus2]

So I've thought about this since jobs in DH's area are rare and moving could happen if the right job came up. I have WAHed for a decade so I could likely move as long as we're near a major airport. We do have some unique educational concerns that would give me a lot of worry about moving but I think what I'd really want is a 4-6 month trial to see if the new job worked out and then we've move to the new region over the summer or long winter break. I would not want an indefinite separation like you're describing.


I think what you're describing might end up being extremely hard on your marriage. It isn't just the time apart that creates emotional distance. It is the costs of maintaining 2 households, travel and the possible potential emotional fallout like resentment that can happen. Teen age years is a little broad but if you're son is in 11th or 12th I might try to hold out those 2 years but if you have an 8th or 9th grader I'd plan on making a move eventually. Kids can start over even if it is hard at times.


ETA - our life hear is very supported. We have family and friends that form a great network and I'd be very sad to leave that all behind. I do get why you want to stay. I think your desire to stay maybe very hard for your DH to process and accept especially if the current job situation is toxic. There is no offer yet and for many reasons this may never need to be addressed but I think a long conversation between you 2 and possibly with a counselor who can guide you guys to a positive resolution may need to happen.

[isabel]

There’s no way I would do this without an end date in mind. I don’t really see how you get to that point given that your parents just moved out there to be with you. It would be one thing if you could freely move back when your son starts college, but that’s not the case here.

DH and I have had a couple periods where he worked in another state during the week and flew home on weekends. It was never more than six months at a time. Now, we have young kids, which made that hard, but it was also weird to feel that disconnected. I can’t really imagine how much more difficult that would be if we were only seeing him for holidays.

We have also had some really rough points with my H’s career that came close to marriage-ending. Thankfully, I think he hit rock bottom and finally realized that he didn’t need to love every minute of his workday in order to be productive, provide for our family, and enjoy life. As part of that time period, he had an offer that would have taken us to another state. I basically flat out told him no. If he had pushed back on that, I think it would have ended our marriage. There’s no way I would have gone along with him moving out of state for the foreseeable future.

I agree with a PPer that I would want him to really examine the options and why he’s willing to do this. That’s a huge commitment that will absolutely create challenges in your lives and marriage.

Also, I don’t know your financial situation, but as I recall, this move to AR significantly lowered your cost of living and you just took a job with a hefty pay raise... is there a reason he can’t just quit and spend some time looking for alternatives? I mean, obviously it’s never ideal for a dual income household to go down to one income, but if it wasn’t a huge financial hardship, I would consider that idea far more than my H moving to another state.

[georgeharrison]

Feb 9, 2021 14:58:46 GMT -5 hocus2 said:

I think what you're describing might end up being extremely hard on your marriage. It isn't just the time apart that creates emotional distance. It is the costs of maintaining 2 households, travel and the possible potential emotional fallout like resentment that can happen. Teen age years is a little broad but if you're son is in 11th or 12th I might try to hold out those 2 years but if you have an 8th or 9th grader I'd plan on making a move eventually. Kids can start over even if it is hard at times.

My son is in the middle of 10th grade.

[pisces]

H and I did this for 8 months in 2013/2014. I would not do it again. This was also before kids. We were an 8 hr drive/2 hr flight and saw each other maybe 2ish times a month for extended weekends.

[rubytue]

I’ve done it. Kind of. Not nearly as extreme as your post. But I did take a job that was two hours away. I was home every weekend and eventually we split the difference. But for about two years, I got up at the ass crack of dawn Monday morning, drove to DC, worked there M-W, spent nights in a friends guest room (then she divorced and it became an air mattress in her living room), and Wednesday night, I drove home to wfh Thursday and Friday. Even with that, it was hard. And we we finally agreed to move to a midpoint, and we were living together again, it was like being newlyweds again. Not in the sex aspect, but the “who is leaving this shit everywhere” aspect. H more so than me, as I had “roommates.”

If I had gotten the second to last promotion I applied to, I would have bought a condo next to the office, as it would have been over an hour in commute. And we would have done that again.

But again, that was together every weekend.

[georgeharrison]

Feb 9, 2021 15:07:12 GMT -5 isabel said:

Also, I don’t know your financial situation, but as I recall, this move to AR significantly lowered your cost of living and you just took a job with a hefty pay raise... is there a reason he can’t just quit and spend some time looking for alternatives?

I have suggested this as well.  I have encouraged him to figure out what he REALLY wants to do regardless of the pay.  I don't know if it is a pride thing for him to feel like he can't do this or what.  He talks about it casually, but doesn't seem willing to pull that trigger.

[ste]

This would be a hard, hard no for me. XH and I lived LD a few times, and it was fine. But... we’re divorced for a reason. Under almost no circumstances would I be ok living separate from MH now. He briefly considered a job with 80%+ travel, and I’m SO glad we didn’t do it (at the time I thought I would be ok... I wouldn’t have been).

[mcppalmbeach]

I get that he wants to make more money, but is it THAT much more money that it will cover setting him up in a furnished apartment, separate utilities, regular plane costs?

I honestly think if it were just H and I we could make this work, but with kids? No way! I have two friends who had husbands who were gone Mon-Thurs weekly and heir marriages did not survive. Granted their kids were younger so more “work,” but there was so much resentment on the part of the spouse left behind every time they came home and had to reintegrate into a family unit after being alone the first part of the week. Things you would think of as stupid became this huge boiling point...I remember one of them would argue over eating out. The H had eaten out most of the week and wanted to entertain at home and the wife would be sick of cooking all week and want to go out and it would cause terrible fights!

[pandorica]

I would never ever do this if there was any way to avoid it. We were long distance for a while when dating, and it sucked. There's no way I would do it willingly now. We do have a young kid, but also dogs and a house to take care of. Also, I want to live life with him not apart.

[georgeharrison]

Feb 9, 2021 15:11:13 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Feb 9, 2021 15:09:00 GMT -5 georgeharrison said:

My son is in the middle of 10th grade.

Is your H saying he’s gonna do this??

He just found out today that he is getting offered the position.  He told me and said it was time for a serious discussion about this and that it needs to be all three of us.  At 15.5, I think our son really should be able to share his feelings on this.  I told my son as soon as my husband told me, and my son was pretty excited and thought it would be nbd.  I told him that he really needs to think about how he feels, this is not something to have a knee-jerk response to.  About an hour later, my son came to me and solemnly said, "I don't think I want dad to take that job."  He feels like he's being selfish wanting him to stay, which is hog wash.