Dating men with kids

[doriswe]

I don't have a ton of experience so take this for what it's worth!
~XH was also "how high" when XW1 needed something (fixing stuff around the house, dealing with computer issues, etc). I strongly encouraged him to get some serious boundaries and he did, mostly, but they still emailed probably every other day....mostly kid stuff, but still, it seemed a bit excessive.

Now that I'm XW2, our contact is limited to only kid stuff and usually can be handled in less than weekly emails. They are short and to the point....and I like this. It's a business arrangement now.

~I dated a dude last fall and he had the 2-2-3 schedule, so any conversation took place during drop-off/pick-up.

[chrissie3416]

I generally only text my Xh when it is about our daughter and her schedule typically. Occasionally Ill text him about $ or the dog or let him know something that happened with her. But if Im with my BF I dont text him unless absolutely necessary and hes the same way.

[jojoandleo]

My parents only talked if it was about us-like one of us was sick, in a play, made honor roll, etc. Usually they only talked and recapped at pick up/drop off. Early on in the divorce, contact was more often to settle things about property/tax returns/etc. How long have they been divorced?

I think his answering numerous texts was excessive. I would give him a pass for one just to say "I will be there at X time for the couch" but what more needed to be said?

[jojoandleo]

Sept 24, 2012 7:42:28 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

Sept 24, 2012 7:41:05 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

My parents only talked if it was about us-like one of us was sick, in a play, made honor roll, etc. Usually they only talked and recapped at pick up/drop off. Early on in the divorce, contact was more often to settle things about property/tax returns/etc. How long have they been divorced?

I think his answering numerous texts was excessive. I would give him a pass for one just to say "I will be there at X time for the couch" but what more needed to be said?

C&P from my other post:

5 and 8. Divorced a year because she left him after cheating on him. She and the kids live about 10 mins away. He's in construction and very handy so he DIY'd a lot of the house--hence why the bathroom construction was in the divorce. He spends a lot of time at the house fixing up his kids' play room. He was there all day Saturday.

He agreed to take the thing back to Ikea because he passes it everyday (it's about 45 mins away so I can get that).

Here's a weird part: his XW went away for a week and he stayed at their house (his former marital home) for a week with the kids. I'm sure it was easier with school drop off/pick up because neighbors were helping him out, but that was still weird to me.

Eh, I have a guy friend and when they separated it was in their TO that they would rotate every week who lived in the house with the kids rather than shuffle the kids. So, he lived there for a week, then she did. Now that the divorce is final, they have sold the house, though, and that agreement is over. However, I could see him doing this, especially because one of their kids is special needs and has issues with change.

Here, though, he seems to do her a lot of favors. So what if he passes Ikea? It's not his problem. He can do the playroom for the kids, but there is NO REASON to run errands for HER.

[cfc1chelsea]

As a divorced mom, I only text XH about things that are necessity, and he's the same way. We very rarely talk on the phone, and that's only to clarify something (such as me telling him that my mom would be dropping off DD this past Friday). He's 4 hours away, so I will text him pictures of DD from time to time, but not on a regular basis, and I never expect a response.

I think some women can't "let go" and enjoy the feeling of power, so they want to get their XH to do anything/everything they can. I would hope not every situation is this way, so I'm hoping your 2 guys are "outliers".

[stephbfan]

I try to see both sides of the coin.

I have a great relationship with my ex and there are some weeks where we email several times a day or there are some other times where we email maybe once a week. Im teaching him Spanish so that is the reason but besides Spanish and DD, we dont talk about anything else.

I do think highly of a guy who has a good relationship with the mother of their child. It speaks volumes of the person as long as there are boundaries.

I think your date is going way too far and is way too involved with the ex. I get him trying to help around and I dont think its weird for him staying at her house when she was away, but answering texts during a date? Hell no.

[kaneen]

Your story sounds so similar to mine that I was almost worried we are dating the same guy.

So, I've been on about 5 dates with this new guy. Have not had sex yet but did have a sleep over. He's been divorced 1.5 years and has two kids ages 3 and 6. He has a very good relationship with the EXW but sometimes I think they are too involved. His mom has breast cancer and starts chemo the day after he leaves for a 10 day trip. The ex is going to stay at his house (also former marital home) with the kids and his mom while he is gone. The idea is its easiest for everyone involved. It was nagging at me before but reading your story made it really slap me in the face. This bugs me and I'm now worried it will just bother me more down the road....

[roselis]

I can also see both sides. XH and I are a lot better. 99% of our interaction is in regards to A. Its been a lot lately because he is going out of town for a week so we are rearranging things for A.
He has offered to watch my/our dog if I need someone to so we have been discussing that lately too (when I go out of town).

I guess the question for me is.... is E offering or is XW asking? XH has offered to help me out with things and I am careful not to ask favors unless it is about A.

[chrissie3416]

Its a very fine line. I also think this changes more too as time passes, relationships with other develop more, and the kids get older. I'd say it took a year or so for all three of us to completely adjust. I mean, my XH was still calling me to ask questions about how to fill out certain paperwork, insurance, etc...albeit he's a dumbass.

[wrathofkuus]

Gaadamn. If this is just what it's like to date a guy with kids, then why does ANYONE bother? These men are so laden with baggage that they're undatable.

[blackkitty]

For me, I keep discussions to co-parenting issues and I don't let thoughts of him enter my life otherwise. That's the extent of his involvment in my life and that's what I look for in another guy with kids. I mean I am open to talking about past relationships in an appropriate manner (i.e. not bitching but what you learned from it) and I really have no interest in anyone that speaks in a derogatory manner about their ex. Their current involvment needs to be based on the kids alone and they need to be able to handle that interaction that is necessary.

[achase123]

I think that less is more. There's no reason to communicate beyond the kids. The only reason I've been communicating with XH more is because he's come to my house to do his visits a few times. It's much easier if he doesn't.

It's a business relationship. I would say that there's no reason to constantly check in with eachother. I've checked in with him when I was on a date before and he was watching P, but that was the FIRST time he had an unsupervised visit so I was nervous.

I cannot imagine what would be urgent enough to interupt a date for. I think it's generally bad manners to be answering texts on dates, unless it's for emergency purposes. I could see seeing how the kids were one time or something but it sounds like that wasn't what this was at all!

[turtle1120]

It's hard for me to imagine the constant contact thing because my Ex and I have almost zero contact. If something brief needs to be discussed it's at pick up or drop off. Anything else is handled via email.

I'd be annoyed if a guy I was dating was that wrapped up in his Ex's life still. You divorced for a reason. Just because you have kids doesn't mean there's a need for constant contact. Especially during a date.

The only time I would ever interrupt a date would be for an emergency. Anything else can wait.

[prettyinpearls]

I’ve never dated a man w/ kids so I can only speak from a mom perspective. I RARELY communicate with XH in the 2 weeks he goes between his EOWE visits. If I do, it’s strictly related to DS. If XH calls to talk to DS (which is basically never), I’ll let it ring if we’re in the middle of dinner or something. I always call him back. That being said, I can’t imagine texting him while cuddling on the couch…especially for a non-emergency.

[leahmel]

My BF's XW has a boyfriend who does things for her and their son when he is there, so she doesn't really "need" him for anything besides the care of their son. I hardly even know anything about her existance because he really keeps the communication to a minimum and related to their pick up/drop off schedule for their son. I don't think it has to be super complicated.

[hainesherway]

L's communication with his XW revolves around their DD's schedule and pick up times. They only really communicate via text, which is fine except for when you need an immediate answer and there's no reply. One time I asked L to call her to confirm dates when we were trying to book our cruise and he did, only to get bitched out about random things that had nothing to do with him.

[5kg8rgirl]

My STBX and I have a lot of contact. A lot of people think it is abnormal, but I am fine with how things are. However, I have never contacted him on a date unless it is to say "is it an emergency?" I would also change things if I got into a serious relationship. If you like the guy or see any potential, I would probably talk about it one time. He may not realize there are serious boundary issues if he is a really devoted dad. I find being upfront and honest is the best way to approach things if it is worth it. I had a guy I dated briefly bring up some issues I didn't realize were present (not parenting related). They were things I was unaware of and realized he was right and corrected them. We didn't work out, but I realized he was right and really appreciated his insight.

[doriswe]

Sept 24, 2012 14:10:33 GMT -5 5kg8rgirl said:

I would also change things if I got into a serious relationship.

Totally curious, why would you wait until you got into a serious relationship to change this?

[heavenly]

This post got me thinking about my "relationship" with eh. I would never text him; call him or anything while I am with company of any kind unless it was a real emergency.

With that said, my relationship with my xh is "unique" as we behave as we always have except we are not physically intimate and do not spend time together unless it was a family function such as DS's birthday party, Christmas and ect. However, he does come to my birthday party and the like as friends. He also helped me hang up some artwork that required 2 people to do. It is not like he goes out of his way , he drops ds off at my home 2 times a week offered his help at that time. We are friendly and warm to each other and I am okay with that and I like how DS can see in person how mommy and daddy work things out as a team. I don't see my xh as a love interest, best friend or anything the like but he is more than a "business arrangement". He is one of the many people in my life who is on my support network team. He supports my son, which also translate that he is supporting me because he is sharing the burden of parenting that which also helps me.

But I have yet to be in a relationship so I am not sure how it will work out. I do know that whether I like it or not, I am always going to need my xh because of DS. If a guy is bothered by my "relationship style" with my xh, then he is not the right guy for me. Though I am pretty sure then when I do enter in a relationship with someone, he'd be the first I ask for help (non-ds wise).

[jojoandleo]

My issue isn't that they are close, or friendly or anything. I think it is great if you can be friends with your ex, ESPECIALLY if you have kids. HOWEVER, he is taking time away from his dates with MCC in order to help out his ex-wife with something non-kid related. If you are on a date and your ex texts you asking for a favor, you should either send a quick-"can't talk about this now" text, or ignore it. interrupting your date to 1) listen to a message (understandable, it COULD have been about the kids, but once he discovered it WASN'T communication should have stopped here) 2) answer multiple text messages 3) ACTUALLY STOP AT HER HOUSE AND LEAVE MCC IN THE CAR! This part annoys me the most. We are on a fucking date and you are leaving me alone in your car to do a favor for your ex? Hell to the no!

[formerlyak]

The whole thing about xw "needing" the ex to do stuff around the house for her is bull shit in my opinion. Doesn't she have a father/brother/neighbor/local home depot she can call if she doesn't know how to do things? I learned how to repair a ton of crap on my own when ex left because there was no way in hell I was calling him and making him feel like I needed him for anything. Even if I didn't have my dad and my brother locally who helped me learn a few things, when my ex moved out, several of my neighbors told me to call if I ever needed help with those kinds of house things (including several wives who either knew how to do a lot on their own or who said they'd send their husband over to teach me). Calling your ex for those things should be a last resort.

[wrathofkuus]

Sept 24, 2012 14:16:50 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Sept 24, 2012 14:10:33 GMT -5 5kg8rgirl said:

I would also change things if I got into a serious relationship.

Totally curious, why would you wait until you got into a serious relationship to change this?

As a corollary, how in the world would you ever get into a serious relationship before actually changing this? Like, why would the other person get serious about you at that point?

[5kg8rgirl]

Sept 24, 2012 14:16:50 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Sept 24, 2012 14:10:33 GMT -5 5kg8rgirl said:

I would also change things if I got into a serious relationship.

Totally curious, why would you wait until you got into a serious relationship to change this?

Well, our back story is that my ex suffered from addiction issues. Prior to that we were great friends and he treated me well. Things spiraled out of control when he became addicted to Xanax, had multiple arrests, and missed out on our sons life until a few months ago. (My son is turning 2 this week). I am really proud of the strides he has made in his recovery (sober for 7 weeks). We have agreed that it is best for him not to work now and focus on his sobriety until the intensive part of his program which lasts 3 months is complete. He currently has supervised visits 1 day per week and that is it. He wants to become closer to our son and he does not pay child support, so he does other things to help out like mow the grass, clean the pool, paint, clean up, etc. So, he if he wants to spend time with him and it is convenient for me, I allow him to come over. I fell out of love with him a long time ago and harbor little resentment toward him. I view him as a friend and he feels the same. There is nothing there romantically and I will never get past all I went through for us to get back together, but I am fine with him as a person and casual friend. I realize our situation is unique and if I get into a serious relationship the person prob. won't be cool with my ex hanging about, so it would be more of a respect for them kind of thing.

[5kg8rgirl]

Sept 24, 2012 14:39:51 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

Sept 24, 2012 14:16:50 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Totally curious, why would you wait until you got into a serious relationship to change this?

As a corollary, how in the world would you ever get into a serious relationship before actually changing this? Like, why would the other person get serious about you at that point?

Fair question and I guess I haven't thought about it extensively. I am very casually dating around right now and don't want anything serious. I am dating a number of people and am enjoying the company of a few hot men lol. I have no intention of getting serious anytime soon. I guess if someone peaks my interest enough, I will go back to the drawing board. For now, I just like making out with a few sexies. ;D