Back story: my mom adopted a dog last year at the beginning of Covid. To say the dog is incredibly anxious would be the understatement of the century. Despite tons of visits with behaviorists and specialty vets and several different medicines, she basically can’t be left anywhere but in her own home without my mom and if my mom goes somewhere, there’s only one other person who can stay with her for an extended period of time.
My mom bought a camper van and booked a campsite to take the boys camping in a couple of weeks. She called me tonight to chat about it and asked if her dog can stay at our house while she takes the kids camping. I said no because a) I’m going to be out of town for three days so it will just be DH to deal with it and b) the dog literally does nothing but pace and whine for hours on end. We know this because it happened when my mom was here for a month at Christmas and would leave to take the kids somewhere. DH loooooves dogs, but this dog is the opposite of enjoyable to be around.
So I asked why she wasn’t taking the dog camping and she said it’s because DS1 doesn’t like the dog, which is true. And in a van that size, they’re going to be on top of each other. She’s also concerned because, again, she’ll have to take the dog everywhere and that will be hard to manage with a kid in tow.
The one person who can stay at my mom’s house with the dog isn’t willing to stay with her because she has family in town. So basically my mom said she could maybe come out here in august.
I am frustrated because I feel like this is going to be an issue for however long the dog lives and what used to be quarterly visits of her coming to see her grandkids will now turn into much less frequent visits because her dog can only be left under very specific circumstances.
When she said she might not be able to make the trip work this month, I just filled her in on dates we have stuff going on and told her to let me know what she decides. I’m frustrated, but I’m not angry and I didn’t get mad.
She just texted me and said “I am so sorry about messing up the plans. I am trying to think of a solution.”
Part of me wants to me like “it’s ok, don’t worry about it.” But it’s really not ok and I don’t think there’s anything I can say that doesn’t make me seem very selfish. Which I probably am.
So, I don’t know, tell me how you would feel about this and how you would respond because I’m struggling to be objective. And if your response is “wow, you’re an asshole” that’s ok too and probably something I should sit with and think about. Again, I’m struggling with objectivity here.
I wouldn't say you are an asshole and feeling frustrated is valid. However what do you want your mom to do? Her dog sitter is not available, she asked a back up (you) who is not available. Aside from rehoming do you have any suggestions (not that you said that but the "as long as this dog lives...")? She is likely frustrated too.
I think you did the right thing in telling your mom you can't take the dog. You know your house wouldn't be the best place for it. It's not great that your mom has a challenging dog, but unfortunately, she had to know getting a dog was going to make things more difficult for her, even if she didn't anticipate anxiety issues.
I might respond, "I understand you've got some difficult stuff to figure out. Let me know if you're able to make it work."
I don't think you should tell her it's ok/don't worry about it if that's not how you feel. You're frustrated and bummed about this, and that's not unreasonable. She is in a tough bind though. I'm sure she didn't envision this when she adopted the dog, and it sounds like she's trying to make responsible decisions. If you feel like it's warranted, maybe "thanks for thinking/working through any potential options," or something similar, might be closer to the mark than "don't worry about it"?
I have a very anxious velcro dog too. Granted she is almost 11 now and has gotten WORLDS better about it.
But, I looked high and low for a kennel that 1. did multiple long walks a day on top of normal walks 2. was owned by or had reputable trainers on staff 3. had experience with highly anxious dogs. And I found one and though kennels still were not enjoyable for her, she no longer injured herself from trying to nose her way out or got so upset that she'd get sick. Those 3 things really really helped. I pay a lot for it when we go away but it is worth it.
Otherwise, she can try pet sitting services that come to her home and get the dog used to them so they can be alone without so much anxiety when she wants to go on vacation.
Anxious dogs are a huge frustration but you have to change your life for them when you get one and for your Mom that might mean cutting down on travel. Does it suck? Sure. But the dog is a living creature and can't just be a 2nd thought to daily life.
I feel like your mom is being responsible and considerate here. She's not forcing the dog on DS1 and is looking for a good solution to care for her pup. It sucks but I absolutely have to pass up opportunities because of my dogs, and that's the right thing to do. Maybe she can't do 4 times a year any more and it's 1 or 2 times. Especially while she continues to love on the dog and make her/him comfortable and work out good vacation options for herself.
“With sorrow—for this Court, but more, for the many millions of American women who have today lost a fundamental constitutional protection—we dissent,”
Who is this person who can stay with the dog and why is it only this person? I think she needs to find a backup sitter. Unless this special person spends a ton of time at your mom's house, i don't see why the dog can't get used to someone else if they got used to this person. Maybe if the dog is high maintenance she can just pay a sitter extra? Unless the dog will literally die if left with someone else, I kind of think the dog will just have to deal.
I have a very anxious velcro dog too. Granted she is almost 11 now and has gotten WORLDS better about it.
But, I looked high and low for a kennel that 1. did multiple long walks a day on top of normal walks 2. was owned by or had reputable trainers on staff 3. had experience with highly anxious dogs. And I found one and though kennels still were not enjoyable for her, she no longer injured herself from trying to nose her way out or got so upset that she'd get sick. Those 3 things really really helped. I pay a lot for it when we go away but it is worth it.
Do you have any advice on finding a place like this?
Who is this person who can stay with the dog and why is it only this person? I think she needs to find a backup sitter. Unless this special person spends a ton of time at your mom's house, i don't see why the dog can't get used to someone else if they got used to this person. Maybe if the dog is high maintenance she can just pay a sitter extra? Unless the dog will literally die if left with someone else, I kind of think the dog will just have to deal.
Yeah, I have a handful of people who know my dogs, and if they're not available - I don't go.
If one of my dog is unhappy/anxious, it's not pleasant for anyone... my pups or the sitter. And I won't put someone through that.
She absolutely should work up to finding a larger group of people who can look after the dog but with COVID it's not surprising she doesn't have a deep bench for this.
“With sorrow—for this Court, but more, for the many millions of American women who have today lost a fundamental constitutional protection—we dissent,”
Who is this person who can stay with the dog and why is it only this person? I think she needs to find a backup sitter. Unless this special person spends a ton of time at your mom's house, i don't see why the dog can't get used to someone else if they got used to this person. Maybe if the dog is high maintenance she can just pay a sitter extra? Unless the dog will literally die if left with someone else, I kind of think the dog will just have to deal.
My mom's housekeeper who is there to clean once a week. She's been coming an additional two times a week to walk the dog, so now Sadie is pretty comfortable with her, I guess. My mom just went to Connecticut for a wedding and the housekeeper stayed at my mom's house. Apparently that went relatively well.
This is all good and I think it's a good solution, but my mom actually travels quite a bit for work, so I'm not sure how tenable it is long term. She probably needs at least one other person who Sadie is used to, you know?
Who is this person who can stay with the dog and why is it only this person? I think she needs to find a backup sitter. Unless this special person spends a ton of time at your mom's house, i don't see why the dog can't get used to someone else if they got used to this person. Maybe if the dog is high maintenance she can just pay a sitter extra? Unless the dog will literally die if left with someone else, I kind of think the dog will just have to deal.
My mom's housekeeper who is there to clean once a week. She's been coming an additional two times a week to walk the dog, so now Sadie is pretty comfortable with her, I guess. My mom just went to Connecticut for a wedding and the housekeeper stayed at my mom's house. Apparently that went relatively well.
This is all good and I think it's a good solution, but my mom actually travels quite a bit for work, so I'm not sure how tenable it is long term. She probably needs at least one other person who Sadie is used to, you know?
She travels quite a bit for work? Is the dog coming with her for work?
Who is this person who can stay with the dog and why is it only this person? I think she needs to find a backup sitter. Unless this special person spends a ton of time at your mom's house, i don't see why the dog can't get used to someone else if they got used to this person. Maybe if the dog is high maintenance she can just pay a sitter extra? Unless the dog will literally die if left with someone else, I kind of think the dog will just have to deal.
I don’t disagree, but it sounds like until the dog is used to someone else it would be pretty miserable for that person with the dog’s anxious behaviors.
Yep. This is why I don't want her here. I'll be out of town, so it will just be DH to deal with her. And she will literally do nothing but whine and pace the whole time. She can't be consoled or distracted. We've tried so hard. She also barks (very loudly lol) if you so much as get up or move to another room. She was here for a month with my mom at Christmas and she barked like that for a solid three weeks of that stay. As someone who startles easily, it was...unpleasant.
My mom's housekeeper who is there to clean once a week. She's been coming an additional two times a week to walk the dog, so now Sadie is pretty comfortable with her, I guess. My mom just went to Connecticut for a wedding and the housekeeper stayed at my mom's house. Apparently that went relatively well.
This is all good and I think it's a good solution, but my mom actually travels quite a bit for work, so I'm not sure how tenable it is long term. She probably needs at least one other person who Sadie is used to, you know?
She travels quite a bit for work? Is the dog coming with her for work?
I don't really know what her plan is. I know she wants to cut back to 80%, which will help a little. Maybe she partially bought the camper van so she can take the dog when she has to travel? I haven't asked.
I have an anxious Velcro dog as well. I agree with everyone else who said yes it’s frustrating but it sounds like your mom is trying. Has she tried doggy daycare? My girl does better with that than having people come to the house (the distraction of other dogs/she’s more anxious in our home without us etc) and we are able to board her with the people who run the doggie daycare.
Id suggest her posting on rover.com about her needs and see if she can get a few reliable people. Also does her vet board? That can sometimes work. Our old vet let the anxious dogs sit in their laps at reception all day
Yeah, it will continue to be an issue for as long as the dog is around, so while it sucks I think you and her are just stuck, at least in the short term. I'd also be annoyed, but I think this is just part of having a pet, you need to figure out a plan when you want to leave them and if you can't then you can't go. If this were my mom, I'd call and say "Mom, I'm not mad, but I'm frustrated with this situation. My kid was really looking forward to spending this time with you. I understand the dog needs special care, but I'd love for us to figure out a long term solution for times he needs to stay home" or something along those lines. Is there a pet sitting service she could try out on short trips over the next few weeks to see if the dog can be left with someone else? I don't know much about dogs, but I assume it would take the dog a few months to work up to longer trips, but in the long run she'd have a backup. So this summer might be a bust, but maybe by fall, her visits could pick back up.
Susie and sofamonkey, thank you. That was helpful. I know this is a bigger issue long term for her to figure out. I just wasn't sure how to respond in the moment to this specifically.
She just asked about boarding the dog up here, which I think could be a good solution. Last time she boarded her, it was a disaster, but that's mostly because the people were incompetent and didn't make sure she got her medications. Hopefully I can help her find a place like TrickyBob suggested.
I have a very anxious velcro dog too. Granted she is almost 11 now and has gotten WORLDS better about it.
But, I looked high and low for a kennel that 1. did multiple long walks a day on top of normal walks 2. was owned by or had reputable trainers on staff 3. had experience with highly anxious dogs. And I found one and though kennels still were not enjoyable for her, she no longer injured herself from trying to nose her way out or got so upset that she'd get sick. Those 3 things really really helped. I pay a lot for it when we go away but it is worth it.
Do you have any advice on finding a place like this?
I looked for a facility that trained dogs and at least around here, a good portion of them will also kennel. I would look up local training facilities and see who also boards and then look at the trainers reviews to make sure they are good. They won't train your dog but a training staff/owner should be able to handle/have tips and tricks to get the dog through it and maybe offer some advice.
I know around me (central PA) more and more kennels are popping up with trainers on staff or owned by.
I'd just google...dog training facilities in X town
Do you have any advice on finding a place like this?
I looked for a facility that trained dogs and at least around here, a good portion of them will also kennel. I would look up local training facilities and see who also boards and then look at the trainers reviews to make sure they are good. They won't train your dog but a training staff/owner should be able to handle/have tips and tricks to get the dog through it and maybe offer some advice.
I know around me (central PA) more and more kennels are popping up with trainers on staff or owned by.
I'd just google...dog training facilities in X town
Thanks. I would not have thought to look for trainers, but that makes a lot of sense.
Which meds did she try? Did she take the dog to a veterinarian behaviorist? Has she had a behaviorist in her home? (Probably hard w/ COVID but thought I'd ask.)
It sucks for the people involved but it also sucks for the dog to be that anxious all.the.damn.time.
I’d probably say DS will be disappointed if you can’t go on the trip and ask her what she plans to do for future visits / work trips, then kindly suggest she find some more dog sitters. I think someone who can come stay at her home will be better than taking her anywhere which might increase anxiety. Someone with dog training experience will be even better.
Which meds did she try? Did she take the dog to a veterinarian behaviorist? Has she had a behaviorist in her home? (Probably hard w/ COVID but thought I'd ask.)
It sucks for the people involved but it also sucks for the dog to be that anxious all.the.damn.time.
I truly feel like she's tried everything. She is seeing a behaviorist vet that specializes in anxiety. My mom said she's on prozac, zylkene, clonidine, gabapentin, and xanax when it storms. She said she's been thinking about asking the vet about extended release xanax. She said the xanax works really well when she takes it and the gabapentin seems to have made a meaningful difference too.
I'm not sure if she's had a behaviorist in her home, but she has done sessions with a trainer at a local park and she met one on one with a behaviorist who assessed the dog and they did subsequent sessions after that.
When my mom first got her, she couldn't even get her to leave the driveway. Since then, she's gotten to a point where she can walk her most of the time, but she frequently has setbacks where a situation scares her and puts her right back where she started. If I tried to walk her at my house without my mom, there's basically no chance she would go on a walk and she would be highly anxious the whole time (this was my experience in December, but maybe she'd be better now with these new meds?). She actually does ok around our kids, but basically all adults seem to stress her out. I don't think she's aggressive around other dogs, but also don't think she particularly likes them, so a dog daycare situation isn't really helpful for her either.
I think the best solution is to find a few people who the dog is comfortable with so she can stay at home, but my mom just reminded me that she is leaving from here to go to Texas for a month, so that's not an option for this trip anyway. I had totally forgotten she intended to go to Texas after she came up here.
Which meds did she try? Did she take the dog to a veterinarian behaviorist? Has she had a behaviorist in her home? (Probably hard w/ COVID but thought I'd ask.)
It sucks for the people involved but it also sucks for the dog to be that anxious all.the.damn.time.
I truly feel like she's tried everything. She is seeing a behaviorist vet that specializes in anxiety. My mom said she's on prozac, zylkene, clonidine, gabapentin, and xanax when it storms. She said she's been thinking about asking the vet about extended release xanax. She said the xanax works really well when she takes it and the gabapentin seems to have made a meaningful difference too.
I'm not sure if she's had a behaviorist in her home, but she has done sessions with a trainer at a local park and she met one on one with a behaviorist who assessed the dog and they did subsequent sessions after that.
When my mom first got her, she couldn't even get her to leave the driveway. Since then, she's gotten to a point where she can walk her most of the time, but she frequently has setbacks where a situation scares her and puts her right back where she started. If I tried to walk her at my house without my mom, there's basically no chance she would go on a walk and she would be highly anxious the whole time (this was my experience in December, but maybe she'd be better now with these new meds?). She actually does ok around our kids, but basically all adults seem to stress her out. I don't think she's aggressive around other dogs, but also don't think she particularly likes them, so a dog daycare situation isn't really helpful for her either.
I think the best solution is to find a few people who the dog is comfortable with so she can stay at home, but my mom just reminded me that she is leaving from here to go to Texas for a month, so that's not an option for this trip anyway. I had totally forgotten she intended to go to Texas after she came up here.
I looked for a facility that trained dogs and at least around here, a good portion of them will also kennel. I would look up local training facilities and see who also boards and then look at the trainers reviews to make sure they are good. They won't train your dog but a training staff/owner should be able to handle/have tips and tricks to get the dog through it and maybe offer some advice.
I know around me (central PA) more and more kennels are popping up with trainers on staff or owned by.
I'd just google...dog training facilities in X town
Thanks. I would not have thought to look for trainers, but that makes a lot of sense.
That's a very good idea. When we went on cruise and had MIL here we did a board-and-train at a facility not far from us for two weeks. Our dog came out great at the end of it. Another time we had him do a couple overnights at our doggy day camp, which doesn't necessarily sound ideal if doggo doesn't have a regular place she goes and isn't familiar with the facility. OTOH, maybe she'll do better, be less nervous and clingy at a facility where she can run free with dogs rather than be with people, particularly on an individual basis, for periods of time, if she's not dog-reactive.
If there is any chance of working with the dog to get him to be calmer in your house so you could watch him I would exhaust those options. Here me out though. I think this is the most beneficial for everyone in the long term. You get your kids to be entertained by grandma and she has a place she trusts for her dog.
Don’t be me. My H complained one too many times about my in laws old dog and now they won’t watch ours and it really sucks. I’m hopeful we can repair this misunderstanding now that they have a new dog but it sucks.
Maybe you can try to work with a behaviorist or something to get him to chill out in your home.
Is your mom local? If so, I may have a suggestion of someone who might be able to help. She’s one of my shelter friends and has been a behavioral therapist for years.
Your poor mom and this poor dog! Sounds miserable for everyone.
The only thing that solved this for me when I had an anxious mess of a dog was getting a second dog, but that’s not the solution for every dog or every owner, of course.
I agree with finding a vet that boards. They are likely better equipped to handle anxiety. They might even give your mom a call during the pup's stay to talk about medicating. <3
Post by cinnamoncox0 on Jun 2, 2021 7:25:44 GMT -5
I’m sorry, that sounds tough on the humans and the dog alike. I think the kennel at the vets or a local boarder with anxious dog experience is the answer. I agree it’ll be hard on a pet sitter since the dog is anxious and what not, but a kennel should be able to handle that much better than a random pet sitter. It does sound like your mom feels badly and is open to suggestions to make it work so that’s good at least, some are all not my dog when it comes to others being uncomfortable around it. Good luck I hope you all can find a safe solution for all.