I need your opinions on a situation with a friend...

[shamrockshake]

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[abs]

You are not overreacting. She’s not a friend.

I’m sorry I would be hurt, too.

[memenee]

She’s the worst.

Normal response would have been - “yes! I’ve been dying to try new sushi place too. I’m actually going Thursday with co-workers - meet us there!”.

I’m sorry, that sucks.

[luckyno7]

Friendships need to be 2 sided. I’d be upset too if I asked a friend to dinner, they don’t respond and then go to the place we talked about going the same week we were supposed to have plans. It seems highly suspect…but I’ve had too many people in my life like this so I could just be sinister.

Based on having friends like this…my guess is you don’t have to do anything and the friendship will slowly fade away. I had a friend that always told me how busy was she was but found out she would make time for other people just not me.

It’s not worth it. If she’s not one to put in an effort ever I would just let the friendship fade. This girl told me I was one of her best friends too.

[Deleted]

Your feelings are absolutely valid. Knowing someone for 20 years does not require you to keep them in the friend circle. I would just stop making plans and cancel this week. It seems like this has been brewing awhile.

[Deleted]

That would probably rub me the wrong way, given the history of her wishy-washy-ness over the years. I guess you need to decide if you want to continue to make plans with someone who is likely to flake out on you on a regular basis. Has the friendship run its course? Have you ever talked to her about how her tendency to leave you hanging bothers you? I tend to lean towards if a friendship is creating more angst and upset feelings, then it's not really worth continuing to pursue it and being contionually disappointed. But I also think before you walk away from it, it's worth having a conversation with her about how you feel.

[maudefindlay]

She doesn't sound like someone who values you or your friendship. Many people would be done with her for the thoughtless and rude 50/50 canceling. I'd send her a text saying you cannot meet and let it go. My guess is she won't reach out to reschedule or invite you to anything.

[Deleted]

Taking your post at face value, it's possible she thought you just wanted to catch up and didn't know you wanted her to wait to try the new restaurant with you., like she didn't know that specific restaurant was important for the visit. If it had been planned for weeks, if that's the truth, I would try to understand that.

I'm honestly not extremely scandalized, sorry

[sunnysally]

Let her go. I'm sorry she was so crappy to you.

[cleo29]

I would reply, "Right, like our plans to go there were made weeks ago..."

I would not buy what she is trying to sell. I'm sorry.

[calico]

I don’t think you’re overreacting. You know her best, but if you wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, *maybe* she meant she had the dinner plans with those people for weeks and the place was a last minute choice? Whether she tries to make amends or not, would be how I decide to proceed. If she takes offense to your comment or feelings then I would probably write her off and not make an effort again.

[TR]

Jun 28, 2021 12:59:37 GMT -5 @stevia said:

Taking your post at face value, it's possible she thought you just wanted to catch up and didn't know you wanted her to wait to try the new restaurant with you., like she didn't know that specific restaurant was important for the visit. If it had been planned for weeks, if that's the truth, I would try to understand that.

I'm honestly not extremely scandalized, sorry

Then why wouldn’t she have said, “Actually, I’m already going there next Thursday, could we go somewhere else?”

ETA: ALSO, she would have mentioned she wasn’t free Thursday night.

[starburst604]

Being friends with someone who is always looking for the better thing is exhausting by itself and she's definitely full of shit about already having plans at that restaurant. The "better thing" came along and she decided to go to that restaurant with them. Not saying they ARE better than you, just for whatever reason these other 2 people were higher on her priority list at the moment. I wouldn't want to have lunch with her either.

[Deleted]

Jun 28, 2021 13:08:05 GMT -5 TR said:

Jun 28, 2021 12:59:37 GMT -5 @stevia said:

Taking your post at face value, it's possible she thought you just wanted to catch up and didn't know you wanted her to wait to try the new restaurant with you., like she didn't know that specific restaurant was important for the visit. If it had been planned for weeks, if that's the truth, I would try to understand that.

I'm honestly not extremely scandalized, sorry

Then why wouldn’t she have said, “Actually, I’m already going there next Thursday, could we go somewhere else?”

ETA: ALSO, she would have mentioned she wasn’t free Thursday night.

I'm personally good with going to a restaurant more than once for visits with friends. They could have still gone there. And she said let me see and I'll let you know right?

I don't think the friend owed her to tell her honestly. I don't think her going to the restaurant, assuming it was truthful it was already planned, was a slight against OP. Especially since the friend reached out herself and said I'm sorry I've been busy let's try next week.

That's why I'm saying the friend may not have known OP wanted her to wait for her for that specific restaurant.

Eta but if OP doesn't want to be friends and finds this person exhausting then break it off. Don't spend time with someone that upsets you

[eddy]

Yeah I wouldn't bother scheduling a follow up. Maybe it was an innocent mistake. I just have such low energy for friendships that aren't easy these days. As in if I have to ask more than once to hang out with you, then it probably isn't worth it. Doesn't mean I wouldn't consider saying yes if they reached out in the future, but I am definitely not putting the effort in.

I hope you find someone to try the new sushi place!

[MixedBerryJam]

She sucks. If the other visit had really been planned for weeks a normal response would have been something like “I have a work thing there next week so I’ll let you know how it is.” I’d be hurt too, tbh. I might/probably would cancel the sushi date myself and just not reschedule.

[icedcoffee]

I doubt this was personal against you, but it is certainly thoughtless and rude. I wouldn't put any more effort into the relationship and see what happens.

[shamrockshake]

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[meowmaps]

I'm sorry. I'd be really put off/hurt as well. And like you, I wouldn't be in the mood for our lunch date anymore. Based on what you've mentioned about her I think she'd be pretty easy to ghost. She's likely to not follow up if you don't follow up.

[acuore]

Dump her. She’s not only flaky, she’s dishonest. 

[mcmel]

I would also be irritated and probably wouldn’t reach back out regarding any future plans.

[mambo123]

Don’t go back and forth with her, just ditch her. You already told her how you felt, no real reason to argue. You knew she was sadly a 50/50 ‘friend’.

[wildrice]

Was it HER instagram story? Because if so, not only is the whole thing rude, but she is both dumb and thoughtless for posting something. Rule #1 of using social media is that if you cancel plans with someone, you don't post about doing something fun with someone else.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt otherwise, I know I personally can be bad at managing my schedule and screwing up by saying yes to everything and then realizing I've over or double booked myself. It's quite possible that she didn't think these other girls were BETTER than you for hanging out, but maybe she did a bad job of trying to fit everyone into her schedule and thought you'd be easier to reschedule with for whatever reason.

Even if that's the case and she wasn't intending any harm, that doesn't change the fact that she was thoughtless and that you don't have to be friends with someone who is thoughtless. If you want to hang out with her, by all means do, but don't feel bad if you feel like this was your last straw and you want to cancel.

[Deleted]

Jun 28, 2021 13:21:30 GMT -5 shamrockshake said:

Jun 28, 2021 13:13:04 GMT -5 @stevia said:

I'm personally good with going to a restaurant more than once for visits with friends. They could have still gone there. And she said let me see and I'll let you know right?

I don't think the friend owed her to tell her honestly. I don't think her going to the restaurant, assuming it was truthful it was already planned, was a slight against OP. Especially since the friend reached out herself and said I'm sorry I've been busy let's try next week.

That's why I'm saying the friend may not have known OP wanted her to wait for her for that specific restaurant.

Eta but if OP I ant to be friends and finds this person exhausting then break it off. Don't spend time with someone that upsets you

I do not care where she went or that she went there with other people, had she said I am already going there lets go somewhere else, that's fine. I will go get sushi with DH, I just wanted to catch up since it's been 16 months since I have seen her. My issue is solely with the fact that I am 95% sure I was blown off for better plans 

Then I don't see a reason why I'd continue the friendship.

I don't think I'd automatically assume that, personally, because she may have had no problem going to the same restaurant twice. But you have history with her doing this so I don't ever see a reason to hold onto a friendship that causes constant grief.

[waverly]

I don't like when everyone jumps on and says she is a bad friend dump her. Because I did that several times, and it turned out the friend was very hurt and still wanted to be friends. However, it is true that they were not really putting in the effort.

I am not sure that I would try with someone that has a 50/50 chance of cancelling plans anyway, regardless of friendship status or how they brag on social media (this is one reason that social media sucks because you would never know otherwise, but people have to brag). What I am learning is that Friendship can be hard sometimes, it shouldn't always be hard, and so someone who doesn't really want to get together makes it difficult to the point of it not getting together unfortunately.

So I am not saying never talk again, but I wouldn't be making plans with the person unless they initiate.

[cjcouple]

She's full of it IMO. I wouldn't reach back out tbh. Go and enjoy the new place with your husband. If she calls you could go ahead and make plans or not but either way I'd take that opportunity to say you're tired of having her cancel plans half the time. IMO if someone is important to you, you make the time.

Maybe it'll help, maybe it won't. Either way, I'd be done waiting around at this point

[Deleted]

You deserve a better friend. Her behavior is not that of a caring and kind person. You are making an effort for her that is not being matched. Put your time and efforts into people who treat you with mutual respect.

[sparkythelawyer]

I would simply turn some of the motor off on this friendship. Match the level of effort she is making, no more than that.

[FastHands]

Jun 28, 2021 13:21:30 GMT -5 shamrockshake said:

Jun 28, 2021 13:13:04 GMT -5 @stevia said:

I'm personally good with going to a restaurant more than once for visits with friends. They could have still gone there. And she said let me see and I'll let you know right?

I don't think the friend owed her to tell her honestly. I don't think her going to the restaurant, assuming it was truthful it was already planned, was a slight against OP. Especially since the friend reached out herself and said I'm sorry I've been busy let's try next week.

That's why I'm saying the friend may not have known OP wanted her to wait for her for that specific restaurant.

Eta but if OP I ant to be friends and finds this person exhausting then break it off. Don't spend time with someone that upsets you

I do not care where she went or that she went there with other people, had she said I am already going there lets go somewhere else, that's fine. I will go get sushi with DH, I just wanted to catch up since it's been 16 months since I have seen her. My issue is solely with the fact that I am 95% sure I was blown off for better plans 

But she didn't say "I'm free on Thurs" initially and then suddenly had plans.. maybe she was thinking of going with you on Tuesday and then got busy and forgot to confirm the plans. It's hard to judge from the outside, but it sounds like, regardless of the intentions, you want more from the friendship than she can/will give.

I don't understand being passive aggressive, though. If you genuinely care, tell her you were hurt/disappointed and ask if you can talk about it. If you don't care, then just let it go and either schedule the get together later or just stop contacting her. This is too much drama.

[Deleted]

Jun 28, 2021 13:59:19 GMT -5 FastHands said:

Jun 28, 2021 13:21:30 GMT -5 shamrockshake said:

I do not care where she went or that she went there with other people, had she said I am already going there lets go somewhere else, that's fine. I will go get sushi with DH, I just wanted to catch up since it's been 16 months since I have seen her. My issue is solely with the fact that I am 95% sure I was blown off for better plans 

But she didn't say "I'm free on Thurs" initially and then suddenly had plans.. maybe she was thinking of going with you on Tuesday and then got busy and forgot to confirm the plans. It's hard to judge from the outside, but it sounds like, regardless of the intentions, you want more from the friendship than she can/will give.

I don't understand being passive aggressive, though. If you genuinely care, tell her you were hurt/disappointed and ask if you can talk about it. If you don't care, then just let it go and either schedule the get together later or just stop contacting her. This is too much drama.

*applause*

This is what I wanted to say but I suck at words