TW: TTTC @@@

[blondemoment123]

How do I support my friend? She’s having a terrible time TTTC and my heart hurts for her. Failed IUI and IVF and miscarriages have her so upset (understandably).

Besides listening, I don't know how to help. Any ideas?

[followyourarrow]

Really, just listen. Acknowledge hard days for her, like Mother's Day, an anniversary of a loss, etc. Please don't say things like, God's plan, it will be your turn soon, etc.

[amandakisser]

I agree - just listen, and only respond with, "I am so sorry." Don't give her advice and don't try to make her feel better - it won't work (I suffered infertility so I know how much those well-meaning comments can hurt).

[purplepenguin7]

I think this is really so friend dependent but a good friend of mine went through similar struggles. As everyone said, listening (and not trying to commiserate or give advice) was really helpful. Also, I always tried to talk about non ttc/non kid things that were going on with her and also myself. Not in a way to minimize her pain or ignore it but for so long every conversation she had was about how her fertility treatments were going that I think she really appreciated being able to hold conversations not related to that all at. She was really public with her struggles but it made it so every one of her friends was asking how her treatments were going. I was not trying to take her mind off of TTC of course, but I think it really helped that she could be more than just the status of her uterus.

[starburst604]

I agree with just being there for her to listen and let her vent. The key thing is to not try and offer solutions because a person who is deep into TTTC has likely already researched and considered every option out there. Some people meant well but it was frustrating, especially comments like "just try and relax, it will happen". Thankfully none of my close friends said any of those things, they listened and asked questions about what I was going through treatment-wise. I appreciated that they cared and didn't try to pretend that they understood it.

[winnied]

If you have kids, plan some time with her without your kids. That might sound obvious, but many of my friends were incapable of doing that and it was truly painful for me. I wanted to see their kids (frequently even!) but there were times where I really couldn't handle it and I needed to feel like I wasn't "left behind" or that I wouldn't be their friend anymore because life didn't turn out the way I hoped it would.

If she's into it, maybe plan a little spa action, yoga, a hike, etc. - something that can honor her body, if you will. Fertility treatments make you feel like absolute shit physically and mentally you hate your body because you feel like it failed.

[Jalapeñomel]

Just relax is about the worst thing you could possibly say so never say that under any circumstance.

Let her do the talking, don’t bring it up unless she does, and give her a heads up if you know someone is gonna announce, if there’s a FB post etc.

[blondemoment123]

Thank you for this! I’m guilty of saying “it will happen”. Really I didn’t know what else to say, but you’ve offered some great suggestions.

It’s hard seeing someone you care about want something so badly and there’s no way you can help.

[fivechickens]

When I was going through IF, I was the only one of my closets friends who were having issues, so my biggest thing was needing grace from friends when I heard news if someone was pregnant. At one point I was usually not thrilled to hear the news and, one time, cried right after I was told.

You (general) don’t have to understand why the news doesn’t make me happy but don’t judge me for my reactions.

Dealing with IF is very lonely, even within the marriage, so just having patience and compassion is key.

[shauni27]

one thing that helped me IMMENSELY when I was going through this was connecting with other women going through it. I loved talking to people about it who understood what I was going through because they could fully understand my pain.

When she bring it up, ask her if it would help to speak to others who experienced the same thing. I would be more than happy to exchange emails with her if it would be helpful to her.

Just let her know you are there for her and listen without telling her it will be ok. Tell her no matter what happens, you will be there for her to support her and love her.

[Poeticxpassion]

You can send her a comfort kit at

Throughtheheart.org