Supporting someone after loss TW: suicide

[letsgetweird]

My brother's girlfriend of 7 years took her own life yesterday. He's 27, she's 24. He was the one to find her and she did it in a traumatic way.

How can I best support him while also grieving myself? She was like family. I honestly am not even sure what to say. My family has been here at my mom's house as well as a couple of his friends. His best friend has been here since yesterday. Those two are drinking alot and smoking, basically acting normal. If I found my partner dead, I might want to numb myself too.

How do I support a very typical man that doesn't show much emotion through a very traumatic event?

I'll also accept any other advice or resources as I'm also so, so sad and mad. I can't wrap my head around it and I don't think I'll be able to make sense of it for awhile, if ever.

PDQ

[cleo29]

Oh, I am so sorry. And so sorry that he found her. I think just be there to listen when he wants to talk, about whatever, and let him know however he feels it is valid. And down the road, if he wants to, don't be afraid to talk about her. I think people fear mentioning the person because they don't want to upset the person, but a lot of times they do want to talk about them because they don't want them to be forgotten and there is comfort in recalling really good times.

Suicide makes me so sad, saying that as a person who has fought suicide ideation for the last few years. It feels so helpless and the monster wins, in that it makes me mad. Not at the person, but at the beast they are fighting.

I know you are angry as the person here in the aftermath and angry, perhaps, in a protective way for your brother, and that is ok. Sometimes anger can be more comfortable than the pain. Shit, 24. I don't think there are any wrong ways to feel. Grief is a bitch and people process it the way they need to, I think the brain really does help in this process. numbing when the reality is just too hard to face.

Be kind to yourself.

[letsgetweird]

Jul 27, 2021 19:36:42 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Oh, I am so sorry. And so sorry that he found her. I think just be there to listen when he wants to talk, about whatever, and let him know however he feels it is valid. And down the road, if he wants to, don't be afraid to talk about her. I think people fear mentioning the person because they don't want to upset the person, but a lot of times they do want to talk about them because they don't want them to be forgotten and there is comfort in recalling really good times.

Suicide makes me so sad, saying that as a person who has fought suicide ideation for the last few years. It feels so helpless and the monster wins, in that it makes me mad. Not at the person, but at the beast they are fighting.

I know you are angry as the person here in the aftermath and angry, perhaps, in a protective way for your brother, and that is ok. Sometimes anger can be more comfortable than the pain. Shit, 24. I don't think there are any wrong ways to feel. Grief is a bitch and people process it the way they need to, I think the brain really does help in this process. numbing when the reality is just too hard to face.

Be kind to yourself.

I'm mad that she would do this to my brother knowing we went through another loss (my dad). Her own family has had two losses in recent years. I'm also mad she did in a way that my brother would be the one to find her.

And I'm so sad she felt the need to do this. That she was in so much pain in that moment that she chose this. I really don't think she was planning to do this, I feel like it was a fast decision on her part.

[mysteriouswife]

I have no advice on suicide loss. I do know when our very close friend lost his father he stayed drunk for days. When he finally sobered up it hit. So just be there for him when he sobers up.

Loss and grief is such a weird emotional roller coaster. I remember being so lost when my mom died. I carried her clothes around for two days and did not sleep. It was a confusing time for me. So be prepared for abnormal behavior and emotions.

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope for peace and light in coming days.

[mysteriouswife]

Being angry is a very real emotion to have. Be patient with yourself.

[winecat]

This isn't a 'right now' thing but please look into trauma therapy, like EMDR. I'm happy to talk about it when you're ready but it's so helpful. I wish I had done it earlier than I did. I waited years and the PTSD consumed me.

I read books about surviving suicide and went to support groups. People who hadn't experienced it said the dumbass shit that was much more hurtful than helpful. Ignore any of those "she's in a better place" bullshit comments. Most people do not understand why someone would die by suicide.

I'm so, so sorry.

[mcmel]

I’m so, so sorry.

[cleo29]

Jul 27, 2021 19:52:25 GMT -5 letsgetweird said:

Jul 27, 2021 19:36:42 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Oh, I am so sorry. And so sorry that he found her. I think just be there to listen when he wants to talk, about whatever, and let him know however he feels it is valid. And down the road, if he wants to, don't be afraid to talk about her. I think people fear mentioning the person because they don't want to upset the person, but a lot of times they do want to talk about them because they don't want them to be forgotten and there is comfort in recalling really good times.

Suicide makes me so sad, saying that as a person who has fought suicide ideation for the last few years. It feels so helpless and the monster wins, in that it makes me mad. Not at the person, but at the beast they are fighting.

I know you are angry as the person here in the aftermath and angry, perhaps, in a protective way for your brother, and that is ok. Sometimes anger can be more comfortable than the pain. Shit, 24. I don't think there are any wrong ways to feel. Grief is a bitch and people process it the way they need to, I think the brain really does help in this process. numbing when the reality is just too hard to face.

Be kind to yourself.

I'm mad that she would do this to my brother knowing we went through another loss (my dad). Her own family has had two losses in recent years. I'm also mad she did in a way that my brother would be the one to find her.

And I'm so sad she felt the need to do this. That she was in so much pain in that moment that she chose this. I really don't think she was planning to do this, I feel like it was a fast decision on her part.

That is a lot of loss in a short span of time, and again, I am so sorry.  

The hard part is you don't know what was going on in her head. How it was rationalized that this was the better choice. It is so fucked up and sad and terrible. 

[goldengirlz]

I’m so sorry. I can relate to the anger. But anger is a scab. It’s your heart’s way of protecting you from feeling the pain all at once. Anger sucks. But it’s so normal.

I second the recommendation for therapy, for both of you. Grief counseling has been really instrumental for me, and if there’s someone who specializes in this area, I’m sure it’ll be even more beneficial.

[cville]

My god, I'm so sorry. I'm no expert on grief, but I think so long as you love him, share with him, and allow him to express or not the full range of what he's feeling without judgment, that's probably a good start.

[ste]

I also second the anger. I still have moments (sometimes days) when I am just so fucking full of rage at XH for dying. The emotions vary so dramatically and widely.

I’m so sorry.

ETA and yes therapy. For everyone.

[namasteak]

Anger is a totally normal grief response.

I’ll echo a pp, as someone who has had suicidal ideation off and on for a long time (and gotten scary close at times) it truly is the monster winning.

I don’t know if it helps to hear from someone you “know” but In my darkness moments it really did seem better for everyone if I was dead.

[NewOrleans]

Oh wow. I am so sorry for your family’s loss. How horrid.

[rebneen]

I’m so sorry. Grief is incredibly complicated and a beast of its own. Give your brother and yourself space to feel so many things and nothing at the same time.

Grief counseling has been helpful for me. You may not be able to do it all - deal with your own grief and your brother’s. Hopefully he will get help, too. There are support groups for survivors of suicide. My friend found them helpful when they lost a sibling to suicide.

I’d probably tell my sibling I love you no matter what, that it’s not your fault, and you’re here for him.

[letsgetweird]

Jul 27, 2021 20:41:15 GMT -5 goldengirlz said:

I’m so sorry. I can relate to the anger. But anger is a scab. It’s your heart’s way of protecting you from feeling the pain all at once. Anger sucks. But it’s so normal.

I second the recommendation for therapy, for both of you. Grief counseling has been really instrumental for me, and if there’s someone who specializes in this area, I’m sure it’ll be even more beneficial.

thankfully I'm in therapy already and have an appointment on Saturday

[rosiebear]

How horrible. My god, they are both so young. I am so very sorry your family and hers are going through this.