Post by keweenawlove on Aug 5, 2021 8:20:28 GMT -5
I'm sorry for the decision you have to make. It sounds like the decision is made but I also wanted to chime in I'd consider giving yourself the freedom to pull your kids for a week once or twice throughout the year to stay in SC if you really need a break.
I would do it. Especially since it sounds like your plan initially was to move back to IL when this job was done (right?). My H used to travel extensively for work prior to covid - not the same, I know, but I would often spend a month or more at a time with one or both girls; and that was working full-time with no friends or family nearby.
It'll be tough, but you get into a rhythm and it becomes sort of fun (did for me, anyway). Especially since you have family nearby (assuming you're on good terms), I'd do it in a heartbeat.
Yep. The boys and I were likely going home permanently after this school year anyway. DH will be 12-18 months.
I would go home and have your H commute. It’s not ideal but there’s no way my kids would be in a building that didn’t require masks for unvaccinated people if I had any other options.
I think you know what you're going to do, so no advice. I'm just sorry you're in this position. Were I in your shoes, I would figure it out and do what I had to do, but I would want to let out a primal scream.
My dad was military and then a defense contractor. Most of my childhood, he’d fly out Monday morning and fly home Friday night. Or he’d be gone 6 months at a time without the option to fly home weekly. We missed him and it sucked sometimes, but we made it work. My dad would help me with Calculus homework on the phone. My mom made my brother and I learn to cook when we were about the same ages as your kids. We’d each have one night we were in charge of cooking for. My brother did a lot of boiled hot dogs and Mac and cheese and I usually made pasta or French toast - but we did it ourselves and felt very accomplished! Lol.
The good news is, you’d see him regularly and there is an end date.
With the info you've given here, it seems like going back is the best option right now, given the current climate. Since you talk about your husband potentially flying back and forth frequently, I assume money isn't too huge a concern, so if you get back home for the start of the school year and find yourself struggling or if the covid situation improves enough for you to feel comfortable, you could change your mind and all fly back to where your H is living.
It seems to me like any decision you make now doesn't have to be permanent, if that makes sense.
I think you know what you're going to do, so no advice. I'm just sorry you're in this position. Were I in your shoes, I would figure it out and do what I had to do, but I would want to let out a primal scream.
Thank you. We thought it would be ok when we decided to move (that was, perhaps, short-sighted). I’m so sad. I really, really like my H a whole lot and we are so much better together than apart. It’s for the health of our kids, though, and that takes priority right now.
Since it seems like you have decided to make the move, I also had a mom growing up that traveled most weeks.
Two things she did that were special - She would help me pick out all of my clothes for the week on Sunday. She would then seal them in fedex envelopes in my drawer so I could open them each day. I’m sure there hs a more environmentally friendly way to do this now 🤣
She would usually leave for the airport way early before I was awake. She would put fresh lipstick on and kiss my cheek so when I would wake up I could see her lip-print and know that she said goodbye to me.
If I think of any others I’ll let you know.
She traveled most weeks for most of my childhood. I do not remember any resentment or bad feelings. I felt loved snd cared for. And we are perfectly close now.
Since it seems like you have decided to make the move, I also had a mom growing up that traveled most weeks.
Two things she did that were special - She would help me pick out all of my clothes for the week on Sunday. She would then seal them in fedex envelopes in my drawer so I could open them each day. I’m sure there hs a more environmentally friendly way to do this now 🤣
She would usually leave for the airport way early before I was awake. She would put fresh lipstick on and kiss my cheek so when I would wake up I could see her lip-print and know that she said goodbye to me.
If I think of any others I’ll let you know.
She traveled most weeks for most of my childhood. I do not remember any resentment or bad feelings. I felt loved snd cared for. And we are perfectly close now.
Post by thebreakfastclub on Aug 5, 2021 9:26:04 GMT -5
I personally would not be able to handle that amount of time apart. My state does not have a mask mandate, and my school district is deciding what to do next week.
I will be sending my 8yo in a mask regardless. The daycare has dropped the mask requirement, but he still wears his when inside there, and it's been fine.
I feel like there will be a vaccine within the next few months, and he can get by at school with a mask until then. He's been at daycare or school since May 2020 and cases were pretty minimal during that time.
Since it seems like you have decided to make the move, I also had a mom growing up that traveled most weeks.
Two things she did that were special - She would help me pick out all of my clothes for the week on Sunday. She would then seal them in fedex envelopes in my drawer so I could open them each day. I’m sure there hs a more environmentally friendly way to do this now 🤣
She would usually leave for the airport way early before I was awake. She would put fresh lipstick on and kiss my cheek so when I would wake up I could see her lip-print and know that she said goodbye to me.
If I think of any others I’ll let you know.
She traveled most weeks for most of my childhood. I do not remember any resentment or bad feelings. I felt loved snd cared for. And we are perfectly close now.
Aw.
My dad traveled a lot too when I was growing up. He'd always send a postcard from wherever he was, talking about what he was doing, what he'd had for dinner, and little stuff like that. I always knew he was thinking about us when I'd get one of those postcards. (This is something I do now with my nieces whenever I travel, even in today's digital age. There's something special about getting a physical piece of mail.)
He usually left early in the morning too, and my mom would get us up so we could all take him to the airport together. The airport near our house had an observation tower before the security checkpoint where you could go sit in comfy chairs and watch the planes take off and land, so we'd go sit up there and watch his plane take off, and then my mom would bring us to school.
I too am very close to my dad, and have no resentment about him traveling so much back then.
DH travels a lot for work, and there have been a few times where it's been 6 months straight with minimal ability to call home, let alone come home, with missed holidays, birthdays, milestones, etc. It's not my first choice, and of course we miss him, but we get into a routine and it works. I push a little more on the kids to be independent/helpful, prioritize differently and let go of what I can, and let myself enjoy the alone time. I'm also extremely lucky to have both my parents and good friends nearby as a safety net. I try not to lean on that too much, but just knowing I have options if I need them is a big weight lifted.
All this to say that while it's not optimal to be apart, it'll be ok!
I see you've decided to go back to IL, and that was going to be my advice as well. Don't be hard on yourself for moving there; I remember when you were trying to decide whether or not to make this move, and at that time no one imagined that Republican governors would start throwing their state's children to the wolves. I'm glad you're able to get your kids out of that scary situation, and hopefully knowing it's temporary will lessen the negative aspects of being apart from your DH.
We haven't experienced it, but I work with the military and even on the civilian side, it's not uncommon. My current mentor actually was in Europe with her daughter and her husband was stateside working. I've had a few bosses/coworkers that are what we call geo-bachelors because it's easier sometimes to not disrupt the whole family.
DH and I have discussed it because I probably should do a 6 month rotation for work and/or one of my exit strategies if my boss' replacement is awful is to get into teaching at the federal level and that pre-COVID could be a lot of travel.
Post by gretchenindisguise on Aug 5, 2021 9:44:43 GMT -5
I just wanted to add to the chorus not to beat yourself up over the decision to move there. I remember that conversation, and given what we knew then - it seemed sensible to have you guys move to SC.
My dad also traveled a lot when I was a kid. Sometimes he was able to come back on weekends, sometimes he wasn't. It worked for all of us, and we're all still close today.
Just wanted to chime in as another kid who had a parent who traveled.
We were kind of in a similar situation in that we could have moved so that we lived where my dad’s office was located (major city), but my parents decided it was best for us kids to stay where we were. I knew even as a kid that my parents were both sacrificing a lot to act in our best interest, and I really admired that. We made the most of our times together.
I will say that I’m not as close with my dad as I am my mom, but there are a million reasons for that…and traveling for work would be at the very bottom of that list. Plus, he had that job from the time I was 4 until I was a senior in college. That’s a LOT different than just a year!
In your shoes, I would do the same thing. And I’d also closely look at the budget to see if there was room to hire a cleaning service, at least every other week, the day before he comes home. Not because you want/need to have a clean house for him, but so you can relax more and enjoy your time together when he’s home without home chores hanging over your head.
My dad lived in another country or state from 7th grade through college and all 4 of us turned out okay. One kinda weird perk was I would turn down social invites on weekends to hang out with my dad. I’m not sure exactly how my mom did it but they’re still madly in love to this day. They’re sickeningly adorable lol.
That being said, it’s scary and it’s new but it’s possible!
Post by cheeseplease on Aug 5, 2021 9:59:31 GMT -5
I would do what is best for the kids, which seems to be to take them back to a mask mandated school. Can you travel back to your husband for holiday breaks and perhaps a few long weekends as well? I think I just found found this forum when you posted about moving. Sucks that we are still dealing with all this.
Given how Delta infects/impacts kids, I'd head to IL with the kids. Since you're a SAHM and your younger child will be in school half days, you'll likely get enough down time that you'll be able to swing things. And, if you need an additional break, you've got a good support system in IL.
Just wanted to chime in as another kid who had a parent who traveled.
We were kind of in a similar situation in that we could have moved so that we lived where my dad’s office was located (major city), but my parents decided it was best for us kids to stay where we were. I knew even as a kid that my parents were both sacrificing a lot to act in our best interest, and I really admired that. We made the most of our times together.
I will say that I’m not as close with my dad as I am my mom, but there are a million reasons for that…and traveling for work would be at the very bottom of that list. Plus, he had that job from the time I was 4 until I was a senior in college. That’s a LOT different than just a year!
In your shoes, I would do the same thing. And I’d also closely look at the budget to see if there was room to hire a cleaning service, at least every other week, the day before he comes home. Not because you want/need to have a clean house for him, but so you can relax more and enjoy your time together when he’s home without home chores hanging over your head.
We do have a cleaning service, at both IL and SC homes. So that will certainly help with the burden!
I would do what is best for the kids, which seems to be to take them back to a mask mandated school. Can you travel back to your husband for holiday breaks and perhaps a few long weekends as well? I think I just found found this forum when you posted about moving. Sucks that we are still dealing with all this.
I will say I would not do this mostly because it would stress me out so much to be traveling with my kids to a place hat is not being responsible re covid.
I would be fretting on the plane and everywhere we went while visiting.
But I have an anxious personality. So you may be way more chill than me.
You are in Columbia right? The mayor just issued a state of emergency and is requiring masks in schools. It will be a battle with the governor, but something to consider. At least you have a strong mayor.
I have family in SC and today was day one of lower elementary school (private). Classroom drop off showed approximately 30% masked/70% unmasked (I asked). I think they’re just holding their breath, masking, and keeping their fingers crossed until kids can be vaccinated. 😬
I would be kind of worried about all of dad’s exposure on the plane rides. He’ll be on there with many South Carolinians, who today have a 40.8% vax rate...
You are in Columbia right? The mayor just issued a state of emergency and is requiring masks in schools. It will be a battle with the governor, but something to consider. At least you have a strong mayor.
Columbia address but the schools are Irmo. Lexington-Richland 5. I have emailed the superintendent and the principal of the school but haven’t heard back yet. We need to make this decision in the next couple of days and I don’t see it changing before then.
As you know I’m in the area as well. My H is in the military and we’ve always stayed together when possible just bc there’s times we don’t have a choice. However, it feels like impending doom here right now so if I had a choice I’d probably go too.
I’m really sorry you are faced with this. As long as you have good support there (thinking about what I would need if the kids and/or I got covid) then you will survive the time apart I’m sure. There’s so many ways the kids can stay connected to your H, and you will be able to as well.
Also don’t beat yourself up too much - we make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. I’m not sure anyone could have foreseen what is happening right now. We were all so hopeful even a month ago!
You are in Columbia right? The mayor just issued a state of emergency and is requiring masks in schools. It will be a battle with the governor, but something to consider. At least you have a strong mayor.
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This unfortunately only applies to schools in city limits. So, just Richland 1 schools.
It’s certainly a tough decision to make. DH and I were long distance for a few years prior to marriage and kids due to education. I’ve known several other couples who have done long distance for some reason or another, some with kids and some without. What I’ve noticed from everyone: - It’s doable when you have a clear purpose and a limited time (even if that’s not a concrete timeframe, but you do know that ultimately you’ll be back in the same location). Break the time up into smaller chunks and reassess on occasion to make sure you are still on the same page. - Prioritize connecting regularly and putting the effort into the relationship (both between spouses and between the kids and the away parent). - Get creative with how you connect while away and what you do while together. One friend is in a similar situation as you - husband took a job for 2 years out of state, she and the kids were maybe going to move with him, but then decided to stay here. They’ve been going on covid-friendly outdoor adventures - in dad’s state when they are all together and also in home state both when he’s here and without him when he’s gone. The kids then share pictures and stories of the adventures they have done without dad as a way to connect. They’ve put a really positive spin on it and that is helping the time pass quickly.
I live in Illinois. Prior to the Governor's announcement, masks were optional in our school district. I wasn't super happy with that and figured with peer pressure even if I asked my kids they probably wouldn't wear them. I have to send them in person though because that is also what is best for them. E-learning went OK but only because we hired a nanny and even then once they went back to school it was so much better. Everyone that I talked to that did extended e-learning has regretted it, and 99% of them sent their kids back in the final trimester.
So anyway, I was super happy when the Governor made his announcement because otherwise I figured they were guaranteed to get Covid. So unfortunately, yes I think I would do school in Illinois. DH traveled for work, and it sucked a lot of the times, I am not going to lie. But we made it work for years when I had babies and no support system. So yes you can make it work with older kids and a support system/babysitter.
Post by mustardseed2007 on Aug 5, 2021 11:34:03 GMT -5
I would do it. It's not forever.
We are in a private school that is requiring masks so maybe that's another option. But you have a home and access to a public school and you've always gone to public school so I'd probably do it.
Post by sparkythelawyer on Aug 5, 2021 11:39:44 GMT -5
My sister and I have commented throughout the plague that we're all just out here making the best bad decision available with regards to our kids, as there are absolutely no good options available.
I'm going to be honest, and probably inflamatory - I wouldn't trust a southern red state with my children's health, safety or education these days. Every time they have a chance to step up and do the right thing, whether its masks, curriculum, treatment of students, etc., they trip and land smack in the Trumps. They do the wrong damn thing every time. We were supposed to move to Alabama in 2019 and I remain glad my daughter is not growing up in that region of the country. She's safer here in Illinois.
If the plan is not to stay as a family long term in SC anyway, I'd do the remote/long distance/fly Dad home a lot approach for at least this semester.