Being separated from a spouse because of work

[dancingirl21]

I posted here awhile back about DH getting the opportunity to go to Columbia, SC for his company for 1.5-2 years, which we ended up doing. We kept our house in IL and planned to go back and forth a couple of times throughout the year. We have been fully moved into the house in SC for the past 2 weeks, and my older son is supposed to start school on August 18.

It is a law here that school districts cannot force a mask mandate. With Delta raging, we are very nervous about sending our kids to school here. The Governor of IL instituted a mask mandate for P-12, regardless of vaccination status, just today. DH got home from work tonight and told me he thinks the boys and I should go home to IL. Being without DH for an extended period of time was never the plan. He specifically said he didn’t want to do this unless the boys and I were with him, when we first started talking about moving. But now he’s concerned about their health and the stress of this for me. Now that he’s here and has started on the project, he can’t up and leave. He’s here for a minimum of 12 months. He would fly back and forth every other weekend.

So…have you lived apart from your spouse for an extended period of time? Tips/suggestions (especially with little kids)? Or tell me if you would do this. Basically we are both leaning towards the kids and I going back. We are trying to think of their health and safety first. Being with their father only sporadically for a year or more will suck but I’m hopeful we can make it work.

[devonpow]

We did this for about 6 months- it ended due to Covid shutting everything down. DH was in Florida, we live in Boston. Kids were 7 and 12.

It was ok. We missed DH but the general day to day stuff wasn’t much different (I’m a SAHM and he has always worked long hours/traveled). There was a really tough period where our dog got super sick and I was really overwhelmed by everything but regular days were fine. He flew back and forth every weekend.

I think the benefit you have is that you would be in your familiar area with I’m assuming a support system of friends etc. That’s a huge thing. My sister in law/niece and nephew are in Illinois and she was so thrilled at the mask mandate coming down - it’s a huge consideration.

[dancingirl21]

Aug 4, 2021 21:46:04 GMT -5 devonpow said:

We did this for about 6 months- it ended due to Covid shutting everything down. DH was in Florida, we live in Boston. Kids were 7 and 12.

It was ok. We missed DH but the general day to day stuff wasn’t much different (I’m a SAHM and he has always worked long hours/traveled). There was a really tough period where our dog got super sick and I was really overwhelmed by everything but regular days were fine. He flew back and forth every weekend.

I think the benefit you have is that you would be in your familiar area with I’m assuming a support system of friends etc. That’s a huge thing. My sister in law/niece and nephew are in Illinois and she was so thrilled at the mask mandate coming down - it’s a huge consideration.

It really is something we have to consider. When there was no mandate there for this upcoming school year, we decided we all should come. But now…this definitely changes things.

[mcsangel2]

How old are your kids? How many friends and family members are close by enough in IL for you to call on if you need something?

[Wines Not Whines]

My husband and I sort of did this many years ago, but it was before we had kids, so it was different. We didn’t live separately, but we both traveled for work a lot, so we went long periods where we only saw each other on weekends, and sometimes we wouldn’t come home for weekends. It was fine, but it was easier because we didn’t have kids.

When I was a kid, my father was a new university professor and sometimes took jobs teaching at out-of-state schools for a semester or a year. He was gone for months at a time. I missed him, but the time away definitely didn’t hurt our relationship at all. From my perspective as a kid, it wasn’t a problem at all.

[dancingirl21]

Aug 4, 2021 21:57:08 GMT -5 mcsangel2 said:

How old are your kids? How many friends and family members are close by enough in IL for you to call on if you need something?

8 and 5. DH’s whole family is there (his parents, 3 siblings, extended family, etc). My sister is 30 minutes away. My parents are 4 hours away but my dad is retired so he could be there if I needed him. Basically our support system is there, no one here.

[jennybee1018]

So we’re doing this now - only it’s not different states but different countries! We’re currently expats living in the ME, and DH got a teaching job in the US (he’s a Philosophy professor so you can’t pass that up)!

It made the most sense for me to keep my job a little longer & do a slower transition back to the US, so that’s where we currently are. I’m aiming to be back in the US permanently by June 30. I just got back from a 2 month trip & I’ll go back in October & December. It’s a lot of flying but is worth it.

We don’t have kids so I can’t speak to that but I can say it’s been a bit easier for me since I have a good support network here. DH is making friends but he’s an introvert so not super social right away (until he gets to know people). It’s not ideal but we’re making it work, knowing it’s only temporary!

It seems like in this instance, it may be best for your kids safety. I know these are unusual decisions to be making (stupid Covid) so I hope you can find what works for you!!!

[mcsangel2]

Disclaimer, I don't have kids.

On the weekends your DH would fly home, when exactly would he fly? Would he be home before bedtime on Friday? Would he fly back on Monday morning? Or would he be coming in late Saturday morning and leaving Sunday night?

2 weeks at a stretch is a long time for your DH to be alone with no family or friends. I'm a super introvert, and I hate the idea of being alone like that. And I love alone time.

I think it's important to realize that stuff is still fluid with COVID, everywhere in the country. We've got another wave coming that'll be peaking in a month or so; I would not bet that the no mask mandate in SC would stay intact, and I wouldn't bet that kids won't be sent home to do schooling online.

I really would not want to leave DH alone like that. If it were me, I would be committing to SC at least to the holidays.

[ellipses84]

We had to do this for a few months and it’s not for us. I was actually ok with it (although working full time and being 100% on kid duty sucks). The times we flew to see each other were great! DH was really lonely and got all in his head about it, even though he was staying with a friend. I was SO busy and he had nothing but spare time aside from working so it caused conflict. There was a two hour time difference and our schedules weren’t aligned very well. I take the kids alone to my family for 2-3 weeks in the summer and 1 week at the holidays and he is totally fine with that. Maybe knowing it’s temporary will help.

My dad travelled for months at a time for work and now it’s so much easier to connect on FaceTime daily. I was fine when he was gone and it had no negative impact on our relationship or closeness. It’s just not a life I’d choose (DH was in the military and got out before we got married and had kids, mainly for this reason).

I’d worry that his flying to visit every 2 weeks is creating as much risk to your family for contracting Covid as staying there. Any chance you could do a virtual option for either school?

[al dente]

My H was gone for probably 18mo of the first 2 years of my daughter's life, so I was alone with an itty bitty. Having some sort of childcare set up so you get a break is needed. If you're kids are older it might not be as bad, but 24/7 of the two of us was rough esp when sleep regressions hit.

I personally think it would be really hard to work with a spouse gone. Between kids and just the random stuff that pops up you need a flexible job.

Another hard part is the time difference. We always had a 6 hour difference so getting a chance to talk and connect can be hard.

I'd also look at cases in the two areas. I feel like kids are kinda eh on wearing masks, even if mandated so if cases are much higher in that area it may not really make a difference. Also vaccination rates in both areas. If anything you could move back for a few months it doesn't need to be the whole time he's working there.

[dancingirl21]

Aug 4, 2021 23:09:01 GMT -5 al dente said:

My H was gone for probably 18mo of the first 2 years of my daughter's life, so I was alone with an itty bitty. Having some sort of childcare set up so you get a break is needed. If you're kids are older it might not be as bad, but 24/7 of the two of us was rough esp when sleep regressions hit.

I personally think it would be really hard to work with a spouse gone. Between kids and just the random stuff that pops up you need a flexible job.

Another hard part is the time difference. We always had a 6 hour difference so getting a chance to talk and connect can be hard.

I'd also look at cases in the two areas. I feel like kids are kinda eh on wearing masks, even if mandated so if cases are much higher in that area it may not really make a difference. Also vaccination rates in both areas. If anything you could move back for a few months it doesn't need to be the whole time he's working there.

I don’t work. I’m a SAHM so that alleviates that concern. My kids are 8 and 5. Older is in full day school and younger will be half day. We will be a 1 hour time difference apart. We can’t move back and forth with schools (DS2 would be in a private Pre-k program back home so I would need to commit to that for the full year since they don’t really do Pre-k for 5 year olds in SC). Vaccination rates pretty significantly higher in our suburb outside of Chicago than they are in South Carolina.

[Aquatica]

My husband is military so there are ranges of times we make the best of it without him. Longest period so far was 6 months, and he frequently does 29 day training exercises, especially when the weather is nice (spring to fall), usually every other month. I do not have a support system anywhere I've lived so my advice would be:

-Have a schedule/routine. This has helped DD with the adjustment period when he's gone. This includes video chats at bedtime, game night, movie night, slumber party night, etc. We have specific days and plans marketed on the calendar so DD can look forward to them that week.

-Get some 'you' time, however this may be. Kid-free time, I've found, is very important for me. I'm anxious and have a hard time trusting anyone (babysitters included). So, I found a gym that had childcare for $30 a month. I went 5x a week for 2 hours a day. I didn't even work out hard every day, even if it was walking on the treadmil for 2 miles while watching Netflix. It just felt nice to not be needed in that time.

Try to remember when you're having a difficult day, you're amazing and you're doing the best you can. This is what has worked for me so far.

Edit:

Just to add, if you haven't talked about finances, make a plan for it before tensions/frustration rises. Not sure about your situation but my H went a little spending wild being solo to try to fill the loneliness void (e.g. video games, eating out, treating other people out, etc.). We had to set a very strict budget to stop the madness such as he pulled out x money in cash each payday and that was his fun money. Once it was out, too bad. I was in super penny pinch mode from us moving so I had to learn to let go a bit as well and treat myself.

[dancingirl21]

Aug 4, 2021 22:54:09 GMT -5 ellipses84 said:

We had to do this for a few months and it’s not for us. I was actually ok with it (although working full time and being 100% on kid duty sucks). The times we flew to see each other were great! DH was really lonely and got all in his head about it, even though he was staying with a friend. I was SO busy and he had nothing but spare time aside from working so it caused conflict. There was a two hour time difference and our schedules weren’t aligned very well. I take the kids alone to my family for 2-3 weeks in the summer and 1 week at the holidays and he is totally fine with that. Maybe knowing it’s temporary will help.

My dad travelled for months at a time for work and now it’s so much easier to connect on FaceTime daily. I was fine when he was gone and it had no negative impact on our relationship or closeness. It’s just not a life I’d choose (DH was in the military and got out before we got married and had kids, mainly for this reason).

I’d worry that his flying to visit every 2 weeks is creating as much risk to your family for contracting Covid as staying there. Any chance you could do a virtual option for either school?

We could do virtual school but we’re not going to, ha. DS1 does so drastically better in school than at home. That’s a non-starter.

[sillygoosegirl]

It doesn't necessarily need to be for 12-18 months. You could move back to DH and transfer the kids after they get vaccinated, which could well be less than 6 months away, or if not then, for school breaks and next summer at least.

[expatjen]

We are doing something very similar now due to COVID.

My kids (11 and 4) are in full-time in-person school here in the US (Hawaii) and my husband is back in India (we live there, but moved back to my home state of HI in October of 2020 because of the worsening conditions in India). We plan to stay in Hi for the full school year.

We make it work, but it’s hard on all of us. The kids miss my H and his parents (and our dogs) back in India, but thankfully we have a lot of family here in HI. We are trying to make the best of it since we’ve never had so much time together with my family before (we’ve been in India for the past 15 years).

The key to staying connected for us is daily FaceTime calls with MH (ours is a 15.5 hr time difference - so we talk 2x a day at breakfast and dinner). We also FT with my in-laws 1-2 times a week to stay connected.

MH also flies back and forth every 2 months. So he’s here for 2 months then goes back to India for 2 months (rinse and repeat). If your H flies back to IL every weekend or every other weekend, I think that would be very doable.

[af1212]

Aug 5, 2021 0:41:56 GMT -5 @kar said:

I think physical and emotional health is important. My kids would have a difficult time being separated from their dad for so much time, even for health reasons. I also feel like, while there is risk, this is a disease that’s clearly having significant peaks and going up and down pretty much everywhere, just at different times. Since there are at least some breakthrough cases, I’d still be worried about DH bringing the virus in with all of the travel, plus, even though some schools are bringing back masking, at least here, they are removing distancing. And delta seems so contagious and kids will still be eating and aren’t reliable maskers, so I’m just not sure how much less at risk they’ll really be. Both kids are young enough that I’d probably just stay put in SC and be comfortable holding the kids out of school for a bit if there’s a large spike.

Some people seem to be misunderstanding the OP school situation (or maybe I am!). I have seen a couple of people say maybe the school will bring back masking. The OP is in a state where the governor has made an order that does not allow districts to require masks. So nothing is going to change for the OP between now and this school year. Also, I obviously don’t know the specifics of the OP state law but I doubt she can just “hold the kids out of school for a bit” - this is truancy in any place I am aware of.

So I think when discussing it’s important to be realistic about her choices.

Choice A - Go to school in SC where there will not be masks and stay together as a family

Choice B - Go to school in IL where there will be masks and have the family be apart.


OP I currently live in a place where masks are not required (and there is no distancing but honestly I wasn’t aware anywhere in US was still doing distancing in schools). If I had the opportunity to move my kids somewhere else for school right now I would. If I was in your shoes I think I would prob decide to try it for first trimester/semester. If it didn’t work out or was too awful you could go back. I know it’s not ideal to switch schools mid-year but really nothing about the last two schools years or this upcoming one is ideal. It’s about choosing between two rotten options.

[vasc]

My husband was away for roughly two months, in Europe leading a study abroad college group (pre-pandemic). I solo-parented during that time and it was fine. DD was in school with after school care, DS had daycare, I continued working. I leaned on my neighbors and “village” when I needed to. We FaceTimed and texted with DH anytime (he was largely flexible on time despite the time difference). My children are far more attached to me than DH, so although they missed him, mostly they were just “meh” about it.

From a married standpoint, I will say that being 100% in charge of everything and not having to negotiate/compromise with DH over stuff (nothing huge, just day-to-day stuff that is typical in marriage) was…liberating. 😂. The day he flew out I literally cleaned and put away all of his bathroom sink junk, picked up all his laundry from the floor, and decluttered his spaces. My house stayed so clean while he was gone. I’ve told DH he needs to lead study abroad again when travel is normal.

All this to say, I really leaned into the solo-parenting and focused on all the positives. 🤪

I’m sure I’d fee differently if the circumstances were for a longer amount of time and/or we couldn’t communicate with DH anytime.

[dancingirl21]

Aug 5, 2021 5:45:30 GMT -5 af1212 said:

Aug 5, 2021 0:41:56 GMT -5 @kar said:

I think physical and emotional health is important. My kids would have a difficult time being separated from their dad for so much time, even for health reasons. I also feel like, while there is risk, this is a disease that’s clearly having significant peaks and going up and down pretty much everywhere, just at different times. Since there are at least some breakthrough cases, I’d still be worried about DH bringing the virus in with all of the travel, plus, even though some schools are bringing back masking, at least here, they are removing distancing. And delta seems so contagious and kids will still be eating and aren’t reliable maskers, so I’m just not sure how much less at risk they’ll really be. Both kids are young enough that I’d probably just stay put in SC and be comfortable holding the kids out of school for a bit if there’s a large spike.

Some people seem to be misunderstanding the OP school situation (or maybe I am!). I have seen a couple of people say maybe the school will bring back masking. The OP is in a state where the governor has made an order that does not allow districts to require masks. So nothing is going to change for the OP between now and this school year. Also, I obviously don’t know the specifics of the OP state law but I doubt she can just “hold the kids out of school for a bit” - this is truancy in any place I am aware of.

So I think when discussing it’s important to be realistic about her choices.

Choice A - Go to school in SC where there will not be masks and stay together as a family

Choice B - Go to school in IL where there will be masks and have the family be apart.


OP I currently live in a place where masks are not required (and there is no distancing but honestly I wasn’t aware anywhere in US was still doing distancing in schools). If I had the opportunity to move my kids somewhere else for school right now I would. If I was in your shoes I think I would prob decide to try it for first trimester/semester. If it didn’t work out or was too awful you could go back. I know it’s not ideal to switch schools mid-year but really nothing about the last two schools years or this upcoming one is ideal. It’s about choosing between two rotten options.

Yes, exactly right. This very succinctly states our two (not ideal) choices.

And I do appreciate that we could move them mid-year but that’s not a likely scenario. DS2, who recently turned 5, will not be going to public kindergarten. In IL we would be sending him to his preschool from last year, where they also do Pre-k.

SC doesn’t really do Pre-k. I found one private school that does half day K. If you send to public, it’s full day K. So….schooling at the two locations for him won’t be apples to apples (K to K). And that’s not something we are willing to compromise on - if we go home to IL he is doing Pre-k, which was always the plan prior to the move.

I also don’t think I can just pull my kids out of school if there is an outbreak. That is considered truancy. DS1 was in school in IL the full year last year and it went wonderfully. Our school did an awesome job with Covid protocols and mask mandates. I know they will again. I don’t know how the SC schools did things but I have emailed the principal for more information. However with the Governor here making that order, there will certainly be lots of kids not in masks. And we aren’t sure if that is a risk we should take, when we have the option not to.

[felicity]

Will your feelings change once the kids can get vaccinated? If I was in your shoes, I would do either virtual/homeschool until the kids vaccine comes out or go to your other house until the vaccine comes out. The last I saw said it would be ready by "early winter" which I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I am hopeful by the end of the year.

Can private schools enforce masks in your area, and if so, are any requiring them?

[dancingirl21]

Aug 5, 2021 6:53:34 GMT -5 felicity said:

Will your feelings change once the kids can get vaccinated? If I was in your shoes, I would do either virtual/homeschool until the kids vaccine comes out or go to your other house until the vaccine comes out. The last I saw said it would be ready by "early winter" which I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I am hopeful by the end of the year.

Can private schools enforce masks in your area, and if so, are any requiring them?

Yes, probably but getting them vaccinated right now isn’t an option (as you know, I’m not being snarky) so we are trying to work with the information we have right now.

We won’t do virtual or homeschool. It didn’t go well at all when we had to do it and my kids really need to be in school.

No private schools in SC are requiring masks to my knowledge. In fact, the University of SC tried to do a mask mandate and are having to reverse course and say never mind because the attorney general here got involved and said “you can’t do that”. So. More and more I’m realizing we don’t belong here.

[origami]

As long as my kids were allowed to wear masks I’d stick it out since I keep hearing a kid vax is coming this winter. But that’s just me. It’s completely understandable to temporarily switch states. My DH worked in a different state for 9m one year. It was manageable but we didn’t have kids at that time. When we lived overseas I brought the kids back to the US for a few months at a time. DH haaaaated being apart from us that long and his mental health deteriorated at one point because of it. That experience is coloring my opinion.

[devonpow]

Just thinking more about this. Does your DH have any flexibility in working remotely? Even if he can do 4 days in the office in SC and Monday or Friday remote that makes a big difference (and he can get full weekends with you). Also, are you able to afford frequent flights? If you can so you and the kids can do all the three day weekends/school vacations etc in SC (giving your DH a break on flying plus making it seem like SC is more of a second home base) I think it’s definitely doable. It sucks and isn’t fun, but Covid is forcing some really shitty choices right now

[cricketwife]

dancingirl21, I’m so, so sorry you are having to make this decision.  We just returned last night from “vacationing” for a few days in Greenville, SC and it was so, so stressful for me.  It’s a different world in terms of Covid. We haven’t had to be separated for long term as a family so I can’t offer you advice on that front.  If your/his family that is in IL will be an actual support system for you (practically helping you and giving you breaks), then I would strongly lean toward that option.  But ugh, I realized doing this little solo vacation without DH how much I just like having him around, so it’s such a hard choice. 

[notsopicky]

Disclaimer, I am not in your position, but I am a teacher in a district that has mandated masks, regardless of vaccine status. I also have a 10 year old, so elementary school (like your 8 year old). I think we as a country are going to be smacked hard in the face with Delta upon return to school (with the higher level of children being infected, unlike w/ Alpha); for schools/states/districts that are not mandating masks, we're going to see it spread like crazy. I also have close second hand experience w/ South Carolina; my brother and SIL (military--this is relevant) lived there until 2 months before the pandemic hit. Re: no masks, it makes no sense for them to be optional, b/c if they are not mandated, they are not going to be widely worn, either b/c of peer pressure, parental choice not to mask their kids, or COVID-deniers/anti-maskers. And if they're not universally worn (at least on the ES level with NO vaccine protection), Delta is going to spread. A lot. If masks had not been mandated in my district, I would have taken a leave of absence at my job to homeschool my son. That's how serious it is. I know I am coming from an extreme place of privilege to be able to say that. It wouldn't have been ideal either, but that's how strongly I feel about the misguided trajectory of any school or school system that can't (by state decree) or won't (by sheer idiocacy) mandate masks for schools.

If you have the opportunity/choice to move your kids back to IL for at least the start of the school year, I would do it in 3.5 seconds flat. These states that prohibit mask mandates, and these districts that won't implement them, even if they can, are problematic. If you have a choice (even if the choice is way less than ideal), go to a place where you know your kiddos have to wear a mask to in-person school.

Once kids can get vaccinated, you can re-evaluate. That could be end of September, or it might be December. But at least there's a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel--the vaccines for kids are coming.

Lastly, like as at least one PP mentioned, we lived apart from my dad for months at a time several times in my life b/c of moves for jobs. It was ok. Not ideal, but ok. We survived. My SIL is also gone for long stretches b/c she is in the military, and again, not ideal, but they are surviving.

I wish you the best as you navigate this tough decision.

[dancingirl21]

Aug 5, 2021 7:14:53 GMT -5 devonpow said:

Just thinking more about this. Does your DH have any flexibility in working remotely? Even if he can do 4 days in the office in SC and Monday or Friday remote that makes a big difference (and he can get full weekends with you). Also, are you able to afford frequent flights? If you can so you and the kids can do all the three day weekends/school vacations etc in SC (giving your DH a break on flying plus making it seem like SC is more of a second home base) I think it’s definitely doable. It sucks and isn’t fun, but Covid is forcing some really shitty choices right now

He cannot work remotely. He’s a general contractor and is on a building site so he’s critical to the operation and actually being there in person. However, he has a team under him that can pick up the slack if he’s not there for 1/2 days. His company would pay for flights back and forth. It’s not uncommon for his position to travel and their families to stay in one location and the GC would travel back and forth. We just always said we wouldn’t do that.

Yes, when we have longer breaks (such as a week at Thanksgiving), the boys and I could potentially come back to SC but without them being vaccinated, I’m not thrilled about them flying.

We talked again this morning. We both know the right answer and what we will do. It’s just convincing ourselves to actually do it and go home without him. He said he knows it will suck for all of us but he’s thinking about our kids first and he will be fine.

[stemmie]

I would do it in a heartbeat.

If he has flexibility to be "home" EOW, I'd make it work for the 9-10 months of school not just to keep the kids safer but to avoid the emotional assault of navigating the pandemic among a majority of people who aren't taking things seriously. I would rather be around people who want to keep the kids as safe as possible.

[dancingirl21]

Aug 5, 2021 7:20:15 GMT -5 notsopicky said:

Disclaimer, I am not in your position, but I am a teacher in a district that has mandated masks, regardless of vaccine status. I also have a 10 year old, so elementary school (like your 8 year old). I think we as a country are going to be smacked hard in the face with Delta upon return to school (with the higher level of children being infected, unlike w/ Alpha); for schools/states/districts that are not mandating masks, we're going to see it spread like crazy. I also have close second hand experience w/ South Carolina; my brother and SIL (military--this is relevant) lived there until 2 months before the pandemic hit. Re: no masks, it makes no sense for them to be optional, b/c if they are not mandated, they are not going to be widely worn, either b/c of peer pressure, parental choice not to mask their kids, or COVID-deniers/anti-maskers. And if they're not universally worn (at least on the ES level with NO vaccine protection), Delta is going to spread. A lot. If masks had not been mandated in my district, I would have taken a leave of absence at my job to homeschool my son. That's how serious it is. I know I am coming from an extreme place of privilege to be able to say that. It wouldn't have been ideal either, but that's how strongly I feel about the misguided trajectory of any school or school system that can't (by state decree) or won't (by sheer idiocacy) mandate masks for schools.

If you have the opportunity/choice to move your kids back to IL for at least the start of the school year, I would do it in 3.5 seconds flat. These states that prohibit mask mandates, and these districts that won't implement them, even if they can, are problematic. If you have a choice (even if the choice is way less than ideal), go to a place where you know your kiddos have to wear a mask to in-person school.

Once kids can get vaccinated, you can re-evaluate. That could be end of September, or it might be December. But at least there's a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel--the vaccines for kids are coming.

Lastly, like as at least one PP mentioned, we lived apart from my dad for months at a time several times in my life b/c of moves for jobs. It was ok. Not ideal, but ok. We survived. My SIL is also gone for long stretches b/c she is in the military, and again, not ideal, but they are surviving.

I wish you the best as you navigate this tough decision.

Thank you. You are really saying all that we are thinking but don’t want to admit. I keep saying I wish we had a crystal ball 4 months ago when we made this decision. He would have said no and none of us would have come. But, that’s not what happened so we need to deal with it now.

The boys and I will very likely go home. We have that choice, I don’t work, and our house is there waiting for us. It makes the most sense.

[chickadee77]

I would do it. Especially since it sounds like your plan initially was to move back to IL when this job was done (right?). My H used to travel extensively for work prior to covid - not the same, I know, but I would often spend a month or more at a time with one or both girls; and that was working full-time with no friends or family nearby.

It'll be tough, but you get into a rhythm and it becomes sort of fun (did for me, anyway). Especially since you have family nearby (assuming you're on good terms), I'd do it in a heartbeat.

[brooklyn]

I would 💯 stay in IL with the kids. It sounds like a much safer school environment, and you have great friend and family support there. You can set up weekend visits and daily FaceTimes with H.

[momof2]

We did this numerous times when I was a kid. Typically, my dad would take a new job in December or January and then we would move end of school year. But we also had times, we moved with him in January. Both these scenarios worked just fine with me and my sisters. We moved basically every two years.

In your situation, I would move back. But I would urge you not to get too locked into your “we won’t move back mid school year” position. Just keep an open mind if you can. You just don’t know what will happen and it may be that you end up with more positive factors towards being together once kids are vaxxed that could outweigh the need for a full year of preschool. You just don’t know.