Surprise visit or no? Updated

[circa1978]

Updated: I caved and told my mom after she promised me three times she could keep a secret. We'll see! She's thrilled - except she thinks my dad might have a heart attack he'll be so shocked - and wants him to stay with them so I was worried about nothing! (As I so often am.) TY for the advice because it was really fun telling her!



I posted last week that I conspired with my ex-SIL and stepnephew (23) and bought him plane tickets to come up the week of Thanksgiving (arriving a week from today) as a surprise to my parents.

They (SIL/SN) live across the country. He hasn't seen my parents in several years due to COVID/generally being that age where grandparent visits aren't super fun and I wanted to make sure they got time together, especially since my dad's cancer isn't going so well. Stepnephew is all for this and everything is all set but now I'm starting to second guess if we should tell them? I made sure their schedule was clear and my idea was that I'd pick him up from the airport and call them on the way home and tell them that a gift arrived for the holiday early and could I swing by with it?

I know my dad will totally love this and lose his mind but my mom has anxiety and will probably be worried that she wasn't ready for a visit. She'll love it LATER but it's going to take her a minute, I know. But if I tell her, she will DEFINITELY tell my dad.

Also, I am very bad at secrets. Personally I hate most surprises but I'd be ok with say, my BFF just showing up because she loves me and this is their grandkid. They get excited when he posts on FB much less shows up at their door.

So, tell or no?

[wanderingback]

I honestly don’t think anyone can decide this for you.
Unless I were to know that someone absolutely hated surprises then in general I think surprises like this are fun and would go for it.
It’s not like you’re doing something embarrassing to them out in public. I’m not really sure what you mean your mom will be worried that she wasn’t ready for a visit. Do you mean because of covid concerns?
So I can’t really tell if your mom hates surprises or not? If she does, then obviously don’t do it.

[bee20]

I would want someone planning this type of surprise to clue me in a little bit. Like, don't be all "oh, can I drop off a gift at your house" because they might think you're just stopping by and not have the house ready for a guest or be properly attired. If you say "hey, can I stop by for dinner on Tuesday night?". They still get the surprise of the guest but they are mentally prepared for entertaining.

Is this the only time in the week they will see him? If so I bet they'd especially want to mentally be ready for company and not mentally planning other errands or stuff for the holiday.

[circa1978]

She'll be worried her house isn't ready for visitors. He's vaccinated and they are boosted (so are we) so I'm sure they won't be worried about that.

I know no one can make the decision for me but you know, I overthink things, lol.

ETA: And sorry, to be clear, he's coming specifically to see them, not us! He's welcome to stay with us of course (we live 5 minutes from them) but my parents will want him there and this is about him being able to be with them. He's staying a 5 days. I updated OP to be clearer.

[nicolewi]

This is SO individual. Personally, I would want to know. I'd want to look forward to it, be mentally prepared, have snacks/meal plan, etc. I have no idea what the right move is for your family, though.

[heygrey]

If there is a possibility he will stay at their house I would tell them. They will still be excited to see him and part of that joy is the anticipation of his arrival.

I would not handle this surprise well, and I love hosting and having people at my house. I just want a couple days notice to prepare.

[waverly]

I would keep it as a surprise.

We surprised my Grandpa and it was really fun. My grandma knew. He didn’t have anxiety but unless the anxiety is severe I think they would be fine. If he is staying at their house I would offer to help clean or with arrangements after he shows up.

[cville]

Can you keep it as a surprise but find a way to make her get her house ready? Like how when my mom wanted to make sure I felt I was dressed well for the surprise party my friend was throwing for me, she lied and told me that she was taking me to a movie and that she heard my crush was going to be working at the theater

[goldengirlz]

Do you think your mom’s anxiety would be lower if he stayed with you the first night?

I think most people prefer their houses to be “company-ready” when they have guests over. The one exception might be if they’re hosting Thanksgiving — because they’re probably already planning to shop and clean. OTOH, the two days prior can be hectic.

Yeah, this is a tough one. And I can totally see how women absorb more of the guest panic than men. 😀

[jinkies]

I would not enjoy being surprised by a houseguest for 5 days, even if it was my grandson. Sorry. Its a shame that you can't trust your mom not to spill the beams to your dad-- it sounds like he would love the surprise but she would do better with a heads up.

Could you think of some clever way to "surprise" them with the news a day or so before he arrives?

[sadlebred]

Nov 16, 2021 22:41:34 GMT -5 jinkies said:

I would not enjoy being surprised by a houseguest for 5 days, even if it was my grandson. Sorry. Its a shame that you can't trust your mom not to spill the beams to your dad-- it sounds like he would love the surprise but she would do better with a heads up.

Could you think of some clever way to "surprise" them with the news a day or so before he arrives?

This. I can't have houseguests without advance notice. (nothing to do with anxiety). If you do have to surprise them, consider getting a hotel, so that they aren't stuck putting everyone up at their house with no notice. It also gives the "kids" space away from the grandparents for a while and vice versa.

[wanderingback]

Oh, this guest is gonna stay at their house?
I mean I guess that's odd to spring a 5 day house guest on someone without telling them.

I would have your parents come to your house, make up an excuse and have the guest surprise open the door. Have the guest plan to stay at your house at least that first night and then play it by ear for the rest of the visit.

[latte]

Can you tell just your mom, so she can be prepared for a houseguest, but still surprise your dad?

[circa1978]

Nov 16, 2021 22:51:44 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Oh, this guest is gonna stay at their house?
I mean I guess that's odd to spring a 5 day house guest on someone without telling them.

I would have your parents come to your house, make up an excuse and have the guest surprise open the door. Have the guest plan to stay at your house at least that first night and then play it by ear for the rest of the visit.

That's a good idea. To be clear, be is totally welcome to stay at our house or I could get him a hotel but I'm 99 percent sure they will want him to stay there. And he's stayed with them for weeks in the summer most of his life so I don't want him to think they don't want him there or something.

But yeah, that's the aspect worrying me. I don't want to spring a guest on them. He's an easy going kid so I know he'll roll with whatever. I'm hosting Thanksgiving, FWIW and made absolutely certain their schedule was clear (I made up something about DS wanting to come over that week.)

[circa1978]

Nov 16, 2021 22:56:21 GMT -5 latte said:

Can you tell just your mom, so she can be prepared for a houseguest, but still surprise your dad?

In an ideal world yes. In this world, she would tell him immediately.

[wanderingback]

Nov 16, 2021 23:06:04 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

Nov 16, 2021 22:51:44 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Oh, this guest is gonna stay at their house?
I mean I guess that's odd to spring a 5 day house guest on someone without telling them.

I would have your parents come to your house, make up an excuse and have the guest surprise open the door. Have the guest plan to stay at your house at least that first night and then play it by ear for the rest of the visit.

That's a good idea. To be clear, be is totally welcome to stay at our house or I could get him a hotel but I'm 99 percent sure they will want him to stay there. And he's stayed with them for weeks in the summer most of his life so I don't want him to think they don't want him there or something.

But yeah, that's the aspect worrying me. I don't want to spring a guest on them. He's an easy going kid so I know he'll roll with whatever. I'm hosting Thanksgiving, FWIW and made absolutely certain their schedule was clear (I made up something about DS wanting to come over that week.)

Yeah so it seems like an easy solution….
Have your parents come over to your house for the surprise. Then tell them he’s staying with you for the night so your family can hang out. That way your mom won’t be anxious and then he can stay with them for the rest of the time.

[lacey]

Nov 16, 2021 23:06:04 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

Nov 16, 2021 22:51:44 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Oh, this guest is gonna stay at their house?
I mean I guess that's odd to spring a 5 day house guest on someone without telling them.

I would have your parents come to your house, make up an excuse and have the guest surprise open the door. Have the guest plan to stay at your house at least that first night and then play it by ear for the rest of the visit.

That's a good idea. To be clear, be is totally welcome to stay at our house or I could get him a hotel but I'm 99 percent sure they will want him to stay there. And he's stayed with them for weeks in the summer most of his life so I don't want him to think they don't want him there or something.

But yeah, that's the aspect worrying me. I don't want to spring a guest on them. He's an easy going kid so I know he'll roll with whatever. I'm hosting Thanksgiving, FWIW and made absolutely certain their schedule was clear (I made up something about DS wanting to come over that week.)

I think you could get away with a surprise if you plan with your mom as though your son will be staying at their house for several days, starting the day your nephew is coming. If they are prepared for your son (house in whatever shape they are comfortable with, sheets on the bed, food planned with an extra mouth in mind) having your nephew be the one staying instead of your son seems like a great surprise. If that won’t work for some reason, I wouldn’t surprise them with a house guest.

[mountaingirl]

Nov 16, 2021 23:22:24 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Nov 16, 2021 23:06:04 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

That's a good idea. To be clear, be is totally welcome to stay at our house or I could get him a hotel but I'm 99 percent sure they will want him to stay there. And he's stayed with them for weeks in the summer most of his life so I don't want him to think they don't want him there or something.

But yeah, that's the aspect worrying me. I don't want to spring a guest on them. He's an easy going kid so I know he'll roll with whatever. I'm hosting Thanksgiving, FWIW and made absolutely certain their schedule was clear (I made up something about DS wanting to come over that week.)

Yeah so it seems like an easy solution….
Have your parents come over to your house for the surprise. Then tell them he’s staying with you for the night so your family can hang out. That way your mom won’t be anxious and then he can stay with them for the rest of the time.

I also think this is a great option. I don’t have room for a guest really so I would need to do a bit of rearranging for someone to stay. If I did have the room I think I would welcome him as a surprise guest. To me, a single male would give me less anxiety than say my MIL or even a BFF.
Surprise them this once! Please let us know how it goes

[jennybee1018]

We did this for my mom - I live overseas and my sister and I planned it out so that I was able to fly home, stay super quiet about it on social media, and then when my sister came over, I was there too. She was super happy and it was definitely worth the surprise! I think somehow we may have got it on video, but I can't remember, lol.

Maybe that was slightly different since I had a hotel - but I think as long as they know that he can stay with you if needed (even for 1 night while they get things set up) hopefully it'd be ok!

[VillainV]

Oh, don’t spring a surprise houseguest on them. They’ll be just as surprised if you tell them NOW. Then you can discuss before he arrives if he’ll stay with you, or a hotel, or if you’ll help them get the house ready.

I say this as someone who has been the surprise guest before (without my knowledge— MIL was supposed to tell them we were coming and decided not to) and it was awkward AF. And I also say it as someone who genuinely hates surprises like this.

[wise_rita]

I'd say no surprise in this case, and I'm generally VERY pro surprise visits.

That sucks your mom can't keep it from your dad because that's the perfect solution!

[ECB]

I think the surprise sounds fun. Can you say that you have an early gift and can you stop by with lunch/dinner and bring the gift too?

And then plan on him staying with you the first night to give your mom time to get the house in order?

[Pilsy]

I like the idea of surprising them at your house. Plan to have your nephew stay with you, and if they request otherwise, he can stay there instead. You say he's easy-going, and he'll be living out of a suitcase for a few days either way, so that seems simple enough. At 23, he's old enough to recognize your mom might be unnerved by a surprised houseguest, no matter how beloved he is. It's really not atypical for people to want some notice before hosting guests.

I hope you all have a great visit!

[twinmomma]

I'd go with a surprise visit. I get that a surprise houseguest might not be perfect because your mom is going to wish the house was up to whatever her standards would be. But it sounds like she and your dad will be so genuinely happy and surprised that you should just go with the original plan. Especially knowing that your house is a back up option if needed.

[yourmother]

Nov 16, 2021 23:08:03 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

Nov 16, 2021 22:56:21 GMT -5 latte said:

Can you tell just your mom, so she can be prepared for a houseguest, but still surprise your dad?

In an ideal world yes. In this world, she would tell him immediately.

Can you tell her the day(s) right before his arrival?  That way, your mom can prepare the house or whatever.  Beg her to keep quiet about this and how important it is to your nephew to surprise your dad.

[cattledogkisses]

Nov 16, 2021 22:41:34 GMT -5 jinkies said:

I would not enjoy being surprised by a houseguest for 5 days, even if it was my grandson. Sorry. Its a shame that you can't trust your mom not to spill the beams to your dad-- it sounds like he would love the surprise but she would do better with a heads up.

Could you think of some clever way to "surprise" them with the news a day or so before he arrives?

Same, I would not enjoy a surprise house guest, even if it was someone I loved.  I keep a pretty clean house, but I'd still want a day or two of advance notice so I could do a bathroom deep clean, make sure the guest room sheets were fresh, do a last minute pass with the vacuum, and make a grocery store run to stock up on essentials (H and I don't drink coffee and I only buy it if we're having guests, so a surprise guest at our house would be spending the first morning without coffee, lol).

That's me though.  If your mom is more of a roll-with-it kind of person, then she might feel differently.

[ssmjlm]

Can you facetime the day before or something? So she knows, but it's only a day ahead?

[dexteroni]

I like the plan of him staying at your house the first night and having them come over for the surprise. But also, do you know what your mom will need to do to feel ready? I wouldn't want to spring a multi-day house guest on my mom if it meant she would have to go to the grocery store the day before Thanksgiving. So if she would need to buy food and snacks for your nephew, can you get that stuff in advance and have it at your house? He can bring it to their house when he goes. If it's about having a bed made up, go over with nephew the next day and do that yourself. If she shoos you away, fine, but at least you offered.

[wildrice]

Oh, this is a tough one! I genuinely think most 23 year old men I've met wouldn't even notice if the house was a disaster (based on the many homes of male peers that age that I visited when I was young, lol). I know my mom would in general prefer to get ready for a guest, too, but also my parents' house is usually very clean and all that would really be required would be a quick change of the sheets to be ready for a guest. Like my mom might be bummed that she didn't dust the bedroom first, but a 23 year old boy is never going to notice that. So maybe it would be less stressful for her than if someone else showed up.

I kind of like the idea of the face to face surprise. It is true she will be surprised now if she's told, but that feeling you get when someone you don't expect to see walks through the door is just very different.

[Bad Dingo]

It really depends on what you want, but I personally would tell your mother. I don't get why she'd insist on telling your father, but either way, it's still a fun surprise no matter when he finds out.

I'm sorry that your father isn't doing well, this is an awesome gift for him and your nephew.