Husband is using and I need advice

[lurkingae]

Hi everybody, I post here occasionally but have been lurking for 10ish years.

H and I have been married for over 10 years. He’s had trouble with alcohol in the past and stopped drinking for years. Slowly he reintroduced it and will occasionally binge drink.

Our relationship was always super close….until Covid. He was angry with how strict I was about it, and my controlling nature went into overdrive. He started staying up late after I went to bed and he wouldn’t get up until the afternoon. I thought he was depressed.

A few months ago, a few of his friends told me they were worried about him and his c*caine use. I had no idea.

I confronted him about it and told him I wanted to start over with him: both of us in therapy and no more fighting. He cried and said I would never forgive him. A few days later he said he wanted a divorce. I was completely blindsided by this, as we’ve always worked things out in the past.

We’re still living together as neither of us are able to move right now. We thought we could get along and I started therapy immediately. Overall, I’ve been calmer and am trying to work my own issues. My husbands behavior has not changed.

I have seen some real darkness creep in to my husband. The other night, he did some c*ke while we were out with friends (didn’t hide it) and completely turned on me when we got home. I was nothing but calm and he just started calling me the worst things imaginable and just vile insults. It was horrible and probably the worst night of my life.

Yesterday, he blamed that outburst on me, that I “provoked” him. That he’s completely fine when I’m not around but that I trigger him. He claims he doesn’t use that much or only “a little bit,” and that I’m blowing it out of proportion. To me, he’s had a complete personality change. This is not my sweet, loving husband who would never speak to me this way.

He left to visit family this morning, but I know he will also see his party friends. He’ll be gone a few weeks.

I guess I needed to vent. I’ve been listening to Al-Anon meetings online for the last two days. I dont know if that’s that route to take. I am so sad my marriage got this way, but I truly miss the man I married. Somebody tell me this gets easier, please.



ETA: I’ve read Codependent No More and saw myself in it. Is there another book anyone can recommend?

[Wallflower]

lurkingae, I have no advice but I couldn't read your post without reaching out and offering internet-stranger hugs. I hope things get better soon.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry, I wish I had advice. I'm glad you're seeking help with therapy and Al-Anon. He's deflecting and blaming you, but HE'S the one CHOOSING this lifestyle. It's not your fault.

[flex]

I"m so sorry this is happening to you. Addiction is a progressive disease. It gets worse--never better.

I suspect the reason why he's lashing out to you is because he wants to be left alone so he can use uninterrupted.  He views you as "Debbie Downer" and he's reacting with anger because you're getting in his way.  Typical addict behavior.

[lurkingae]

Nov 19, 2021 10:55:24 GMT -5 @psugrad said:

I'm so sorry, I wish I had advice. I'm glad you're seeking help with therapy and Al-Anon. He's deflecting and blaming you, but HE'S the one CHOOSING this lifestyle. It's not your fault.

That’s the part that’s sticking in my head: I told him that things go sideways when he drinks or uses, and he got angry and said the problem is ME. That he’s “completely fine” when I’m not around. It keeps replaying over and over in my head.

[lurkingae]

Nov 19, 2021 10:58:16 GMT -5 flex said:

I"m so sorry this is happening to you. Addiction is a progressive disease. It gets worse--never better.

I suspect the reason why he's lashing out to you is because he wants to be left alone so he can use uninterrupted.  He views you as "Debbie Downer" and he's reacting with anger because you're getting in his way.  Typical addict behavior.

Thank you for this. I need to read this again and again.

Does it just run its course until there are consequences? I know people do c*ke casually for years. He’s been very restless and unfocused, so I figure he’s been doing quite a bit.

[sonrisa]

I'm sorry you are dealing with all that. You are in a tricky position because you are the one who wants both (1) the marriage to continue and (2) his behavior to change. Both of those need his cooperation and neither of which he agrees with. That really sucks.

Do you guys have kids?

[dexteroni]

Nov 19, 2021 11:04:02 GMT -5 lurkingae said:

Nov 19, 2021 10:55:24 GMT -5 @psugrad said:

I'm so sorry, I wish I had advice. I'm glad you're seeking help with therapy and Al-Anon. He's deflecting and blaming you, but HE'S the one CHOOSING this lifestyle. It's not your fault.

That’s the part that’s sticking in my head: I told him that things go sideways when he drinks or uses, and he got angry and said the problem is ME. That he’s “completely fine” when I’m not around. It keeps replaying over and over in my head.

My guess is that you’re the only one saying anything to him about it, so of course the addict mind thinks you’re the problem. You aren’t, and I’m so sorry this is happening. What needs to happen in order for you to not live together anymore? I’d probably work on expediting that as much as possible.

[starburst604]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm glad you have a few weeks that he'll be away and hopefully give you time to clear your mind a bit. This may be a time for you to figure out what needs to happen for you to live apart and put something into place. I know the divorce isn't what you want but you can't continue to live like this, it also sounds like the lines are blurry because he wants a divorce but you're still going out socially together and living together. Living apart isn't filing for divorce, but it's a start in setting boundaries and not allowing him to blatantly use around you then mistreat you when he does. I also just want to echo others who have said that his outbursts are NOT your fault. The person you loved is not the person you're living with right now. 

[lurkingae]

We have no kids, thankfully.

He is refusing the leave our house. We live in a HCOL city and he has a lot of “stuff.” My home is my refuge, and I am standing my ground there. I don’t think it’s right for me to move when he is the one making all of the changes.

I thought I wanted the marriage to continue, but after the other night, it’s clear it cannot. I need him to move out. I’m a little stuck on it.

[sparkythelawyer]

He'll be gone a few WEEKS?

Great. Use that time to change the locks, get your lawyer hired and get this over with. You cannot save him.

[starburst604]

lurkingae have you consulted with an attorney? Now is the time. Get a separation order in place.

[sonrisa]

PDQ I gave a successful ultimatum once.

But (1) he wanted the relationship to continue. (2) There had been major consequences that were causing him unhappiness and problems. (3) He hadn't admitted the link to himself before that conversation, but he knew it was real and didn't feel I was "making it up" (even though he felt like I was a party pooper before that point for not participating/encouraging him, once we talked about issues with his job (getting fired) and mental health, those had nothing to do with me or our relationship.) He could see that link. He knew he was at a personal rock bottom he just hadn't thought of it as a substance caused rock bottom.

Even with all those things in place, I was ready to walk and really didn't expect change but thought I should ask for it before ending things (as much for his sake as mine). It wasn't easy but he made lasting changes.

Your husband doesn't sound like he isn't there on any front - (1) he talked about divorce which is a shitty move but also means he's willing to burn it all down. (2) He hasn't had major external consequences yet. (3) he doesn't see a link between his using and the consequences on your relationship and his personality.

You face a much harder situation. If he wants the divorce, he can get a storage unit for his stuff. (He may not feel like he is the one changing if he's been using in secret for a while. For him, the change is that you know and you are "harping" on it. Which is bullshit of course.)

[Bernadine]

Can you afford your place on your own?

Talk to a lawyer, but if he has an outburst like that again, you may want to consider getting the cops involved. I regret not doing that with my alcoholic xh, because I think it could have forced him out of the house.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

[sofamonkey]

Nov 19, 2021 11:24:05 GMT -5 sparkythelawyer said:

He'll be gone a few WEEKS?

Great. Use that time to change the locks, get your lawyer hired and get this over with. You cannot save him.

Please don’t do this. It might be quite illegal. I really wish people would stop giving this advice.

[sofamonkey]

Nov 19, 2021 11:04:02 GMT -5 lurkingae said:

Nov 19, 2021 10:55:24 GMT -5 @psugrad said:

I'm so sorry, I wish I had advice. I'm glad you're seeking help with therapy and Al-Anon. He's deflecting and blaming you, but HE'S the one CHOOSING this lifestyle. It's not your fault.

That’s the part that’s sticking in my head: I told him that things go sideways when he drinks or uses, and he got angry and said the problem is ME. That he’s “completely fine” when I’m not around. It keeps replaying over and over in my head.

Except it’s not even fine when you’re not around. One of his friends is concerned about it, and you were nowhere near that mess!

I’m sorry he’s doing all this. Not just the substance, but the misplaced blame and responsibility too. He’s a big boy making choice which come with ownership of them, and repercussions. He’s trying to skirt all that, and it just doesn’t work that way.

I’d talk with a lawyer about ways to secure your finances. It’s highly likely he’s got some debt somewhere, or might be using funds without your knowledge. Please protect yourself. Even if you don’t file, meet with a lawyer. Keep yourself and your future protected.

[momin2013]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I was with a gaslighting abuser for many years, and what you're describing sadly sounds very familiar. I agree with PP's that say this sounds like typical addict behaviour.

I'm sorry to say it, but if I were in your situation I would take advantage of the three weeks to call a lawyer, find out what your first steps should be, and get the ball rolling on separating. I know you say that moving will be difficult, but honestly, I think that continuing to live this will very likely end up being worse.

[mcmel]

Yes, seriously get a lawyer today. I'm so sorry.

[melmel48]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I agree with others who have said to seek out an attorney. Now is the perfect time; since he is away for a little bit.

You are not the reason he is acting this way. He wants you to think you are, but you aren't. When things happen, please remind yourself that this is about HIM, not you. I will be thinking of you.

[sonrisa]

I can understand feeling like you should get to stay in your home. And I hope you can. But after it's all over that feeling might change anyway.

[Leeham Rimes]

Get a lawyer and ask about a temporary restraining order regarding his drug use and outbursts. Like, now.

[purplinsky]

Nov 19, 2021 11:23:52 GMT -5 lurkingae said:

We have no kids, thankfully.

He is refusing the leave our house. We live in a HCOL city and he has a lot of “stuff.” My home is my refuge, and I am standing my ground there. I don’t think it’s right for me to move when he is the one making all of the changes.

I thought I wanted the marriage to continue, but after the other night, it’s clear it cannot. I need him to move out. I’m a little stuck on it.

I know right now it's probably hard to think outside of this and get unstuck, but I would take some time to really think about what is more important. Is it more important to stand your ground and remain in the house or is it more important to separate yourself from this person who has become toxic? I completely understand the desire to stand your ground and get stuck in this mindset, but going through my own divorce allowed me to decide what was really important and worth fighting for. For me, it was my daughter and my dog, everything else that was community property I was willing to give up. I was in a position where I could start over if I needed to, but my hills to die on were my kid and my dog since I needed to protect them. It took me time to get to that point and my divorce was still very messy, but I didn't waste time, energy, or money fighting my XH on things that I could get again later.

I know that's easy for me to say from the outside, but my mental health and daily stability is more important to me than staying in a house.

All that being said, I do think you should consult a lawyer ASAP and get their feedback on ultimately how to proceed and protect yourself while you H is away. Good luck!

[HRH Queen Dick I, Orphan]

Nov 19, 2021 11:32:27 GMT -5 sofamonkey said:

Nov 19, 2021 11:24:05 GMT -5 sparkythelawyer said:

He'll be gone a few WEEKS?

Use that time to change the locks, ...

I really wish people would stop giving this advice.

For real, especially actual lawyers.

[laterz]

1 - Get lawyer. Take lawyer's advice.

Some of the things I would think about (none of these are irreversible, but may be really smart in the short term.)
*change your passwords to things he knows, especially finances or email.
*cancel shared credit cards -and take a close look at your finances. if you are direct depositing into a joint account - stop. you can transfer money if you need to, but then its somewhere he can't access.
*make copies of any important documents and store them somewhere he can't access.

This is not your fault. Just take it one foot in front of the other.

[dexteroni]

Ditto the advice to get a lawyer asap. Like look up some names and make calls today. Find out what your options are and plan your steps.

*Is* your home currently a refuge? Stuck in a house with a coked up spouse who verbally abuses you and refuses to leave sounds like an awful situation. A new home of your own can become a refuge too. Yes, it’s not fair that you should be the one to go when he’s the one who wants to end things, but you’re the only person thinking clearly right now and you have to make decisions in your own best interest. I’d at least give it some consideration (taking your lawyer’s advice into account, of course). I wish you the very best and I know there are better times ahead for you.

[Patsy Baloney]

Oh wow, yes, definitely use this time to speak to a lawyer and start separating what you legally can, especially finances.

If you're done, you're done, and that's just fine. I'm sorry he's choosing to do this and hurting you.

[Deleted]

You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. Al anon is perfectly fine for you to attend...especially with the binge drinking past. It really helped me in the past. Alcoholic abuse or addiction can go hand in hand with other drug use. He is projecting his problem(s) onto you for sure. Obviously it is not your fault.

I gave my alcoholic ex-boyfriend an ultimatum.... work a program to get sober or I'm done. And he is an ex. There are plenty of ways to set boundaries, ask to work on the marriage, etc. But I am unsure that your husband is in that headspace. What your husband did by berating you is unacceptable. And unacceptable behavior is always unacceptable... sober or not. There are consequences to his actions.

Talking to my ex-boyfriend about his alcoholism was like talking to a stranger even when he was not under the influence at the time (it was akin to Jekyll and Hyde). He would rationalize the dumbest shit. Literally he told me that daily drinking is good for you... NO. Feel free to reach out. I am happy to talk to you here or via the al anon app. Dealing with a substance abuser is very much a mindfuck and I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

[sonrisa]

And to reiterate what everyone has said: He's an asshole. You are not the problem. You deserve better. We are all sorry that the person you trusted pulled this shit. Again: He's the problem. His gaslighting doesn't change that.

[lurkingae]

Thank you for the replies, I am truly grateful.

I have called an attorney friend of mine for a contact. This was the push I needed.

My problem with the house is California: we bought it for 400 and it’s worth almost a million now. I can afford it on my own now, but it will be a struggle if I have to refinance or find a comparable place the way real estate is now.

[Patsy Baloney]

Nov 19, 2021 12:33:33 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

And to reiterate what everyone has said: He's an asshole. You are not the problem. You deserve better. We are all sorry that the person you trusted pulled this shit. Again: He's the problem. His gaslighting doesn't change that.

Bingo. You trusted him. You love him very much. He threw that in the trash. That really fucking sucks.

Addicts are ill and you don't recognize them or their behavior. They'll deceive and hurt people to feed the beast. It's all horrendous collateral damage.

My H is not a substance abuser, but a gambler. When I discovered the extent of the damage and his addiction, I felt like I was living with an evil stranger. How can someone you love so much do that? I don't know. There's likely not an answer more meaningful than - they're addicts. 

He's damaged you and it takes a lot of time to recover from that kind of trauma. I'm really sorry. Please tread carefully and protect yourself. Use this time to plan a way forward, as hard as it may be. Things will be better with time and action to make sure you're safe.