Is honesty always best?

[BlueBayou]

I am hurt. A few weeks ago a good friend of mine found out that her fiance cheated on her. They are set to marry next month. She has two children from a previous relationship and has been dating this man for a year and a half.

She asked me for my opinion. I asked her if she was sure she wanted my opinion because I was going to be very honest with her. She said yes.

So she asked me if she should still marry him next month. I told her that this affair was a sign that obviously there were problems with the relationship and that she should at least postpone it. She responded with saying that her thinking is if she marries him and it doesnt work out, then at least she is entitled to something. If she stays with him and doesnt marry, then she is not entitled to anything. I told her that was a poor reason to drag her children into another potential failed relationship, when there is already clearly a problem. There were no mean words said from either of us.

However, now she does not text me anymore, return my calls, or acknowledge me. What did I do? Was I wrong for saying anything at all? Arent friends supposed to help or show friends that what they may be doing could be wrong? I just feel like I am being punished and Im hurt over it.

Have any of you ladies been punished for being honest with a friend?

[wrathofkuus]

You were right, and she doesn't like hearing that she's being an idiot. And yes, you're right, being honest in this way is a responsibility of friendship.

[Deleted]

Well she had clearly made up her mind and didn't want your honest opinion. Now she's decided to stay with him and feels awkward having you around.

I think you did the right thing.

[turtle1120]

Ummm wow. I can't believe she said that. I would've responded exactly as you did. That's fucked up and a really shitty thing for her to put her kids through.

I know it's hard to lose a friend, but if you can't be honest with her when she's being an idiot, what is your friendship based on?

[Deleted]

I agree that it's important to be honest with a friend, but the sad news is that she will probably not want to be your friend until she realizes that it is/was a mistake on her own.

[stephbfan]

You did the right thing. She is hurt now but she will come to you sooner or later, saying how you were right.

OR

She stays married to the cheater.

[livinitup]

So, she disagreed with your advice and now doesn't want to be friends?

Do you? I mean, do you want to be friends with her during what is likely to be a big fat mess? Becuase if someone thought I was about to make a huge mistake, and I thought they were probably right, I wouldn't really want them around to watch it unfold.

But if they told me - hey, I want good things for you and want to support you - even if I gave you different advice. Then, i might feel okay about being friends and the likeliness that they watch me and help me cope with a big, fat mistake.

So, if she's still getting married - then you need to tell her you're okay with her decision and all that blah, blah stuff. Becuase leaving it like this is awkward for both of you. Even if you were right to say it.

[starburst604]

She asked for your honest opinion and you gave it, no wrong on your part. Knowing how often people choose the easy thing vs the right thing in those situations, I usually add in "but I'll support you no matter what" after I say what I really think.

[Deleted]

Was she really a friend? People like this are a lot like people who come on the boards, ask for advice and then call us all bitches when we tell them the truth.
Do you watn friends like that?
Honestly do you want a friend who would marry someone for that reason?
I wouldnt be attending that wedding.

[lookingup]

I agree with everyone who said that you told her something that she just didn't want to hear. You are a good friend; I'm sorry that she's not.

[achase123]

She asked for your opinion and you gave it. My guess is she knows deep down she's being ridiculous to stay with him and marry him under those conditions. So she doesn't want to talk to you and face the truth!

[naeljun]

I'm glad you were honest with her. Maybe she is just trying to figure things out right now, now that she knows what she should do. I would give her a couple of days and give her another call or send her an email.

[BlueBayou]

All excellent points ladies, thank you. And you are right, not much of a friend if im going to be punished for giving her what she asked me for. Just hurt and confused. I love her little girls and am worried i wont get to see them anymore either thankyou all so much for the feedback, helped me alot!