@ Gender fluid families and kids

[sonrisa]

What are your favorite books/websites/resources/tips for supporting gender diverse children? 

I'm always looking for new ways to create a safe, supportive space

[imojoebunny]

Our local bookstore has very well curated book list, including one for Gender Identity.

www.charisbooksandmore.com/booklists

[Vespasia]

Please add an @ to the title. I know it says kids but we've covered why the symbol is still needed before.

[sonrisa]

Dec 15, 2021 14:40:11 GMT -5 imojoebunny said:

Our local bookstore has very well curated book list, including one for Gender Identity.

www.charisbooksandmore.com/booklists

I've already found new books!  And my current favorites list is long so that's great

[sonrisa]

Dec 15, 2021 14:43:58 GMT -5 Vespasia said:

Please add an @ to the title. I know it says kids but we've covered why the symbol is still needed before.

Sorry. blarg. I was going to post on ML and thought here would be a better resource, but didn't fully shift my brain. It's not deliberate. My mind is stupid sometimes. 

[seeyalater52]

This may not be useful, but my biggest allyship tip is to seek perspectives from as large and diverse groups as possible of trans, non-binary, and gender fluid people. It’s a substitute for expanding my own “real life” circle (where I have maybe only a dozen or so adults of varying ages and identities who are willing to dialogue about this stuff and with whom I’m close enough that it doesn’t feel like an intrusive use of their emotional labor) - which is also helpful, but can be limiting.

Something I’ve been learning a lot about recently is hearing the experiences of gender diverse adults and the kinds of supports that would have benefitted them as children/young people. Of course my own loved ones have some ideas about this but it’s also great to hear from people who have different experiences and opinions on it as well. Keeps me from getting insular.

Ask me I'm LGBT+ (https://www.facebook.com/groups/568160180841723/?ref=share ) on Facebook is a good one but there are others as well.

[seeyalater52]

Tips in no particular order: (some of which you don’t need, sonrisa but in case others find it helpful)

There is never a harm in allowing a child, no matter how young, to self-identify and to take that identity seriously. The inverse is not true, and LOTS of harm can occur when you brush it off or act like it’s a phase/fad/they’re too young/whatever.

Adults nearly all remember their own coming out experiences. To a T we can recall how our families reacted, some of us decades later. It stays with you, for better or worse. Even if you eventually come around, those initial reactions cannot fully be undone so choose your words and actions wisely.

You must be your child’s advocate. Enlist other helpful adults as necessary. This means at school, with your own families/extended families, in therapy etc. If you don’t ally with your child and allow others to treat them poorly you’re enabling what amounts to abuse. This kind of abuse literally kills trans youth.

Gender expression and gender identity are not synonymous. You can be femme/masc presenting and be non-binary, bigender, demigender etc. Don’t assume things about people’s identities based on how they look, act, or dress.

For the love of god do not tell your bixesual/sexually fluid/pansexual kids that they can’t ever have sleepovers because they’re hypothetically attracted to all people. Punishing your kids for being honest with you is a terrible idea. Do not hypersexualize queer kids.

All parents should be helping their children to become exposed to the idea that gender and sexuality are a spectrum. Yes, when kids and young people have this language they’re more likely to self identity as something other than cis-het. Teaching them about all of the possibilities for expression, identity, and fluidity (which are changing all the time!) doesn’t make them queer. But the immense relief that so many feel to be able to put words to their experiences and know that there are people out there “like them” is huge and important. Queerness is so much bigger than can ever truly be captured in our world of compulsory heterosexuality and cis supremacy. We are just scratching the surface now. I do acknowledge that it’s probably easier for me as a queer parent to access the nuances and knowledge of this stuff than it is for some random cishetero parent but do your best, it makes a difference.

ETA: not at all to frame myself as an expert, just someone who has more than your average exposure to this topic!

[gretchenindisguise]

“ Gender expression and gender identity are not synonymous. You can be femme/masc presenting and be non-binary, bigender, demigender etc. Don’t assume things about people’s identities based on how they look, act, or dress. ”

This one is huge right now in my circle. I feel like kids have completely divorced clothing and gender expression from gender identity in a way that is confusing lots of my parent friends and generally people over about 35. I hear lots of “but wait, I thought P was trans but he’s wearing a skirt today/makeup today/etc.”

[mala]

seeyalater52, Thank you. My neighbor's youngest came out as non-binary last year. They're 10, be 11 in Jan. They're also my oldest's best friend and I love them like a nibbling. What you've written has basically reaffirmed how I've - approached the subject sounds so clinical but its the best way I can think of to articulate it - when discussing it with my oldest as well as trying to work through and alter my own actions to be supportive of who they are.

[underwaterrhymes]

Our youngest’s favorite book right now is “I am Jazz.”

[erbear]

Dec 15, 2021 16:49:07 GMT -5 seeyalater52 said:

There is never a harm in allowing a child, no matter how young, to self-identify and to take that identity seriously. The inverse is not true, and LOTS of harm can occur when you brush it off or act like it’s a phase/fad/they’re too young/whatever.

Adults nearly all remember their own coming out experiences. To a T we can recall how our families reacted, some of us decades later. It stays with you, for better or worse. Even if you eventually come around, those initial reactions cannot fully be undone so choose your words and actions wisely.

You must be your child’s advocate. Enlist other helpful adults as necessary. This means at school, with your own families/extended families, in therapy etc. If you don’t ally with your child and allow others to treat them poorly you’re enabling what amounts to abuse. This kind of abuse literally kills trans youth.




I want to amplify this. I do not identify as queer but as a middle school teacher, I see how crucial parental reaction is to kids’ well being. I tell parents in the regular that it doesn’t matter if you think your child’s exploration is a phase (most do). It is not hard to change pronouns or names. If children realize later that they were just exploring, fine. They will remember that their parents supported them, or not.

[redheadbaker]

What Are Your Words is a picture book about pronouns by a non-binary author. 

[nellgirl]

Dec 15, 2021 21:57:58 GMT -5 redheadbaker said:

What Are Your Words is a picture book about pronouns by a non-binary author. 

My daughter is sleeping with this book tonight. We have really been enjoying it!

[redheadbaker]

Dec 16, 2021 1:11:02 GMT -5 nellgirl said:

Dec 15, 2021 21:57:58 GMT -5 redheadbaker said:

What Are Your Words is a picture book about pronouns by a non-binary author. 

My daughter is sleeping with this book tonight. We have really been enjoying it!

I actually know the author, and I think they'd be thrilled to hear this -- can I tell them? 

[macmars45]

Dec 15, 2021 20:11:22 GMT -5 underwaterrhymes said:

Our youngest’s favorite book right now is “I am Jazz.”

I read this to my DS last year when my nibling/his cousin came out as trans. It is a really good book.

What are Your Words is another great book I've read to my DS. My oldest sister is a librarian in my city and will put LGBTQ+ affirming books on hold for my DS as they come in.

[charlive]

Have you seen "City of Ghosts"? It's an animated series on Netflix for younger kids. The title makes it sound scary, but it's actually a lovely series that follows kids as they learn about different parts of Los Angeles via these puffy, friendly, little ghosts. There's a great diversity in the characters, including a non-binary kid who uses they/them pronouns.

One of my favorite podcasters has a trans child and his wife wrote a kids book called, "It feels good to be yourself".

[nellgirl]

Dec 16, 2021 8:46:04 GMT -5 redheadbaker said:

Dec 16, 2021 1:11:02 GMT -5 nellgirl said:

My daughter is sleeping with this book tonight. We have really been enjoying it!

I actually know the author, and I think they'd be thrilled to hear this -- can I tell them? 

Absolutely! It’s a huge fav here, and I’ve read it with my ‘big kids’- my grade 5/6/7 class, and they loved it, too. We have been recommending it to people since we discovered it

[seeyalater52]

One more great Facebook group: educating caregivers of trans and non-binary people

www.facebook.com/groups/caregiversoftransfolk/?ref=share